It's Sunday ...

No fancy titles tonight nor any really catchy themes unfortunately! ~laughs~ It's been a while since I've posted though so I feel obligated to -pony up- something lest I begin to worry everyone.

So it's been crazy lately and I feel drained ... lots going on here with our kids at work ... with work itself ... with our friends ... and with me. I haven't been sleeping much and that stinks but it'll work itself out I am sure.

We went to church this morning and it was definitely the highlight of my week ... well that and last Wednesday night at church. You know ... it's been so long ... so incredibly long since -church- was home. We went YEARS with no church and trying to find out way through just the encouragement of friends and our praise CD's and what we -knew- to do. I am convinced the greatest point of suffering for us in the last ten years has been the lack of a good church home.

Granted ... we didn't have a great many choices in Havelock and the area after the -big burn- with FCF and the ensuing fallout ... but since then ... it's just been a long long valley that eventually gave way to a desert that was completely overwhelming. We didn't even really bother to try to find a church here when we moved ... just like we gave up on church in Havelock. We can only attend every other week so that's a daunting point in terms of trying to get committed and build relationships ... BUT ... we are finally home!

I love ... LOVE LOVE LOVE our church! I love the people ... I love the variety ... I love the music ... I love the ministerial staff ... I love the Word that is brought forth and expounded on ... I love Paster Whit ... I love that HE is finally someone that I think that I can -trust- from the pulpit again. We haven't had the opportunity or FOUND the opportunity in years to find a church that truly encourages and feeds us as well as clicks with our own convictions. Christian City Church of Greensboro is finally that place we believe. For years I've walked into church with more armour on mentaly, spiritually, and emotionally than anyone ought to have to. I have analyzed every jot and tittle ... every time of ministry ... every word spoken in the pulpit ... EVERYTHING to the point that it was an exercise in misery ... not a time of spiritual renewal.

Pastor Whit got the same level of skepticism and guardedness that I've given every other Pastor that I've encountered for the last 10 or more years. I basically walked in and said to myself but to him - "I dare you to prove that you can be trusted". I tore apart everything that took place in corporate ministry. I riffled through the webpages ... I looked ... I searched ... I WAITED for the shoe to drop. I don't mean that I've looked for problems with other people or whether or not there are ever difficulties but I mean ... I have examined the voice of the Man ... because I don't think I can stand to be burned like we were before.

Every test ... every question ... every point that means EVERYTHING to me ... God has answered at CCC. Paster Whit touched on church authority and trust on Wednesday night ... I bawled my head off. He spoke about trust being essential in allowing a Paster to lead the congregation. He spoke about needing to believe in the vision that God gives him as the leader of the chruch and the elders in confirmation of that vision. Normally this whole topic would have sent me to through the door without even bothering to hear the rest. I have been unable to trust ... utterly. HOWEVER ... He also spoke about the importance of ceasing that trust when there is a check in your spirit or there is a violation of your conscience taking place. This was freedom on a platter for me! I NEEDED to hear this from the Paster so badly. He stressed that it's important not to let our belief that we know what is best for the running of the church become a point of contention when it didn't match what he felt was the leading of the Lord for our church -- (hello John & Helen!) but he also pointed out that you can not blindly obey a man when there is a violation of true conscience or a serious check in your spirit.

Today he spoke about taking our cares to the Lord. This is a theme that he has been expounding on for several weeks. He was speaking of about Hannah and Eli in the temple and how Hannah took her cares to God ... NOT to the Priest necessarily. She let the Priest know that she was troubled but she WENT to the ALTER to take her burden to the Lord ... she knew that her problem was a God sized problem ... not a Man sized problem. He made the point that so many times we don't take God sized problems to God ... we mope around ... hoping someone at church will notice and that we can be ministered to. Or that we fall into being disgruntled and complaining and always seeking -counsel- but really seeking attention. He pointed out that many times we need to simply take things before the LORD ... and that it's great when a Pastor or minister knows that we are struggling to support us in prayer but that EVERYTHING doesn't need to be known in detail by the Ministry team. THIS was important to me because it shows me that he trusts GOD to be in control ... that he doesn't feel that he must be.

The church is very large ... which at first bothered me. There are about 700 people there on Sundays ... sometimes as many as 1,000. I felt that it would be so hard for us to get involved because of our schedule and it's so easy to be lost in a large crowd. Not so. We spoke to Paster Whit after service Wednesday night ... and this morning he remembered EXACTLY what we had told him and was surprised that we were there. He thought we were working this weekend. May not seem like much ... but it impressed me.

The church is great ... we leave encouraged ... challenged ... and ready to face our Giants. The messages are relevant and that push us ... while being comforting and inspirational at the same time. We've heard several people in leadership speak and that too has been great. Each person has brought solid word and insight. The worship is amazing ... it's ... Home. I am thankful.

As for the rest of my wrestlings this week ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... or maybe I'll just keep taking them to the alter and watch the Lord work as my faith grows.

Speaking of Faith ... Paster Whit touched on that this morning too ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... it was good stuff.

Anyways ... I love you guys. I'm still here ... we are still fighting ... but we know we aren't alone!

Bringing a weekend Warrior to a professional Fight ...

It's been a tough few weeks ... tougher than most ... when I haven't really understood the reason why. Things have been screwy in ways that make no sense and have left me questioning every emotion I feel and every -interpretation- of other's words that I perceive. Any break down in communication that could go wrong, has gone wrong. It's divide and conquer at it's simpliest ... yet most effective. I finally talked to Hoddie yesturday and the pieces just started falling together as we spoke. After we got off the phone, I heard God say ... this Caroline, is what happens when you bring a weekend Warrior to a professional fight. Can I say - ugh ... it was a kick in the gut. One that I sorely needed.

I was reminded of the movie 300 ... it's out on video now if you didn't have a chance to see it in the theaters. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie when the 300 Spartans are leaving out with Leonidas towards the Gates of Thermopalye ... and they meet up with their fellow countrymen, the Arkadians. Their leader complains forcefully that Leonidas only brought 300 men and that the Spartan contribution was not nearly as great as their own. Leonidas responds to the accusations:

Spartan King Leonidas: You there! What is your profession? [points to Arkadian soldier behind Daxos]
Arkadian soldier #1: A potter, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: Hm... and you, Arkadian - what is your profession? [points to another soldier]
Arkadian soldier #2: I'm a blacksmith, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: [turns to his soldiers] Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: Harooh! Harooh! Harooh! [simultaneous, followed and preceded by immediate silence]
Spartan King Leonidas: [turning to Daxos] You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.

Spartans were born for battle, bred for battle, and trained for battle every day of their lives. They were soliders first and all else a distant second. Battle was in their soul ... they were fearless, merciless, and unflinching in the face of the enemy.

I have been an Arkadian in a Spartan needed battle. We are in our own -Hot Gates- right now and I've been a mild mannered CCW by day and a sometimes reckless solider at night. THIS battles calls for the Spartan in me ... and I have responded with an out of shape, poorly equipped Arkadian. There is no excuse. There is no pacifying answer.

For such a time as this ... it is time to lay down the toys ... and take up the seriousness of the call ,.. on this earth AND in the heavenlies! I know that it's time to echo the words and sentiment of Leonidas in this battle - "This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. This is where they die. ... Give them nothing! But take from them everything!" And the words of Queen Gorgo - "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrifice. The price is paid in blood."

It's true, our blood price has been paid ... but that does not mean that there is no demand upon us to fight for the freedom to claim the victory Jesus won. We have battles to wage in the heavenlies for the souls of those who would know HIM and be HIS ... these battles aren't over in an hour and they aren't always pretty. That which is free for the taking from our Savoir cost Him everything ... how can I be willing to pay less of a price.

We sit and speak of spiritual things ... so casually ... so cavalierly as though it's just some simple little moment or two of prayer. The attack is real. The battle is real. And my own casual non-challance has brought me to my knees rather than on my feet ... sword and shield at the ready. My talk is the cheapest of rags this day ... it's training day ... today ... and every day. Though they make their bed in hell ... we will go after them ... praying for them ... reaching to them ... interceeding on their behalf ... standing in the gap ... head bloodied but un bowed ....

It's time to live the words ...

Take my quiz!

~laughing~ too funny! I found this goofy quiz thing and made one since I can't sleep for some reason ... thanks Jan for hitting it up! It just was one of those silly things I had so much fun doing ... anyone else up for creating one? I am down for getting quizzed on you guys! Pulllllleasssssssseeeeeeeeeee???? (NO I am not getting paid to solict traffic ~snickers~) I just thought it was fun and I REALLY needed a laugh today!

Ever just felt tired and frustrated?

~laughs~ Nawwww ... not you guys! ~sighs~ I am so tired right now ... my house is a wreck and I feel like all I do is clean up after cats. For someone who is NOT a reknowned housekeeper it stinks to begin with ... but to feel like you are cleaning up constantly after ANIMALS is another. Don't get me wrong ... I love my babies but ... holy enchilada batman ... they make such a mess. I'm not talking about the hair ... I'm talking about the fact that since we only LIVE in this house half the month ... it's THEIR house! Which means when we are gone ... they have full run of the joint ... and the STRANGEST things are treasures to a cat. I have walked around my house tonight picking up hair bows, Christmas bows (BIG FAVORITE), milk tops, bottle caps, assorted pieces of fluff, 47 hundred pre-made cat toys, cellophane wraps, bits of toilet paper and paper towels (yes they shredded an ENTIRE roll this week but that's usual), match sticks, ... pretty much every stupid thing under the sun and THEY have the audacity to sit and watch me and look offended that I am fooling with their supreme organizational masterpiece.

We have Nick in the guest room so there is stuff in boxes lining the hall of my already small house ... we pack and unpack every week so that's a chore in and of itself ... there are laundry baskets everywhere ... there were dirty dishes to tackle from when we left last week ... those STUPID 12 can boxes that soda come in to crush, a million and one pieces of junk mail to wade through after I JUST did that ... floors (only one room in our house is carpeted, all the rest are hardwood floors) to be cleaned that I haven't gotten to yet, a kitchen floor that NEVER looks clean because of course, it's the site of the daily, nay hourly cat fest complete with halftime food soccer and goalie action for entertainment, the fridge needs cleaning out ... AGAIN because of course I bought food we didn't eat and it's gone bad, cabinets to try to fit MORE food into and new drinking glasses with almost NO space ... books to put away with maxed out bookshelves ... strange fluids to clean up on the floors because cats throw up and they like to share that with as many rooms as possible (WHILE doing it ... so that everyone else can see the spectacularness of their show), a leaking toilet that I have to get fixed, NO room in the bathroom and about a jillion things to put away ... and ... I'm overwhelmed.

Add to that ... a new crack in our brand new car's windshield to get replaced, a great deal of personal crises and frustrations with our friends here ... trying to get to see my Mom and Dad sometime in the next century and already overwhelming fall plans ...

I would love to cry but there are no tears. I have been on two -emergency- errands this week to help out friends that live like ... 40 mins away ... and that has been taxing as well as just watching people we love struggle. I feel like Satan is just standing over the pot of our lives and stirring it with his little finger and laughing. Now I know that may sound silly ... it's just this feeling that I have. Nick, Rich and I fasted this weekend and it's like ... voila ... hell hath come for a visit!

I know that all this seems silly and trivial and I sound like a superficial blowhard ... I'm just venting ... I love my babies ... I love my friends ... I am happier than I have been in a while on one hand ... but on the other ... I feel like our lives are just being ... whipped into a frenzy because of our recent stands on spiritual things and frankly ... I'm losing my wind ... AND it's just too early in the -game- for me to be winded. I can think of a thousand things I am doing wrong or not doing enough of ... but in the end ... right now I'm just tired ...

love you guys!

Just a glimpse

So I'm still working on coming to terms with the new hair do thingie ... ~laughs~ Sometimes I'm ok with it and sometimes I'm thinking ... what have I done to myself. I've not come as far as I'd like in the self esteem department and believe me ... not having any hair as a woman is SOMETHING to overcome all by itself.

The strangest thing is ... I hate the feeling and I look at pictures and think ... "who is that woman" but other people CONSTANTLY tell me that I should keep it cut really short. I am thinking to myself ... "what in the world is wrong with you people???" It just doesn't feel like me yet but I have a feeling that by the time it DOES feel like me ... it will have grown out tremendously!

In the meantime ... I just remind myself how short my showers are and how much money I am saving on expensive shampoo and conditioner. ~laughing~ I have never been one to be overly fixated on looks ... maybe because I've never felt like I had anything much to offer in the looks department but boy let me tell you ... vanity takes on a whole new perspective when you are trying real hard not to look like you are batting for the -other team- so to speak. I find myself wearing much more feminine things ... less bulky t'shirts and more makeup and jewlery just so I won't be mistaken for some boy or some well ... *coughs* you know.

It's all been an adventure of sorts and I've been blessed with many affirming friends so I am very thankful! It's been a busy few weeks here at the house but I am hoping that things will settle down soon. We can't keep this all night long every night pace up forever, to be sure! We go back to work on Tuesday and I am sure it's going to be some more adjustments there as we got new boys in during the last week while we've been off.

You guys please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We love you all very much and miss you more than you can imagine. Soon guys ... we have to stop talking and start really planning to get together. I need dates ... I can make the arrangements but you guys need to start giving me real dates that you can get together so we can make this happen! We have access to the mountain home in Black Mountain, right outside of Asheville for mega cheap - $200 a week total with sleeping facilities for 19 and a kitchen to cook all our meals in. It has a huge back screened and glassed in porch with windows that open out the entire length and sides of it. It's a fantastic place with great location and enough solitude to really enjoy yourself. Alternatively ... we can always go the beach route and I can look into getting a place during the fall when the rent is cheaper for a week down there should everyone's schedule permit. Just let me know so I can get to working on it.

There's one in every house!

This is my baby Craver. He was a feral kitten, literally dying the day our boys found him outside the cottage. He was captured (they thought this was a generous thing) because he couldn't outrun our boys due to his pitiful condition. They came bursting into the cottage proudly holding this little ball of fluff that was so encrusted with congestion that his nose was totally sealed over with it and both eyes were nearly glued shut. He could barely breathe and he was terrified.

At the time we already had 5 cats and were NOT in the market for an addition to the family but one look at the poor thing and it was clear ... he was about 24 hours away from being history. So ... of course, we went into emergency vet mode, drug out all of our kitten saving supplies, cleaned the poor thing's face, and started dropper feeding him. He was between 3 and 4 weeks old then. He made it through the first night but it was fairly clear he wasn't going to last without serious meds so it was another HUGE chunk of change down the tubes for unexpected vet bills and viola ... the boy is a fighter! He survived.

And now ... we live in the constant grips of STORM CRAVER. I have never had such a hyper adolescent cat! He will be 1 in the late fall and I am telling you ... he is a destruction machine! ~laughing~ Feral cats are difficult to socialize and maintain if they are more than 6 weeks old when they are handled by humans. If they are even as much as 8 to 10 weeks old it's a good bet they will never be totally socialized at all. We've had good luck with both of our straight out of the wild ferals ... mostly due to the fact that we have so many socialized cats already that do must of the work keeping the little dickens in line! Young Master Craver however is just the epitome of -teenage- boy. He is filled with boundless energy that few of our more older and sedate cats appreciate. He compensates for their lack of zeal by waging intricate and highly technical sneak attacks on the most unsuspecting of them ... relying craftily on his ultra stealth and wiry speed to extract him from the claws of some of our more substantial babies who would happily rip him to bits like an inviting couch cushion if they could only maneuver their bulk with half his speed. He lives to spy the unsuspecting elder just lounging in the sun partaking in a few moments of their normal 20 hours of sleep a day ... and then moves in for the trauma. He lives for chaos and the ensuing grand mal proportion seizure he inspires in his unsuspecting victims seems to be his sustaining addiction. My poor babies.

Nothing is safe from my maniac boy ... he equal opportunity attacks wall hangings, boxes, dirty clothes, claw posts, my chair, the blinds ... you name it. Cats are suposed to sleep around 20 hours a day but I am thinking he has a secret stash of caffiene that he's mainlining these days. Add to that ... our second youngest, Nala (we believe his sister from another litter) is in heat and now ... he's discovered sex drive. We can't get her fixed when she is in a heat cycle so that's added a whole new element to the mix ... ~laughing~

I guess this was just the long way of saying ... I can't get any sleep ... Storm Craver is in full effect and there is no place I can hide. I put Nala in the room with me to protect her virtue and she squals like no tommorrow cause she NEEDS! I put Craver in the room with me to leave Nala unmolested and everything that can even be remotely mistaken for a toy is fodder for his limitless energy and if he can find nothing else ... he plants himself on my legs and chases his tail ... for HOURS. I am so tired ... ~pitiful whine inserted here~ ....

oh ... did I mention we cheered the sun up again this morning after a night of devastating spades ... experimental mojitos and melonballs, serious amounts of pizza, cheesecake, dr. pepper, and *coughs* Marlboros. Yes ... I started smoking at the end of last summer ... *sighs* ... we can discuss my quitting another day. Right now ... I feel the little hairs standing up on the back of my neck and I have this sinking feeling that something is about to jump on me ...

It's all good!

WOW ... I've been so busy lately that I am totally slacking in blog land. Kinda selfish of me in the sense that I feel deprived if you guys don't blog every day ... not that I assume that you're reading MY blog every day ... but I can't demand more than I'm willing to give ... right? ~grins~

Anyways ... we've had a great last few weeks ... a challenging but promising group of boys at the cottage ... a fantastic house guest and spades so hard core that someone might get a contusion one of these nights in the heat of the battle! ~laughing~ We've had some of our old residents come back to visit ... one of our cat's fathers on an extended visit ... more old friends coming this weekend ... a room to paint ... lots of socializing to do ... church ... jujitsu ... and did I mention spades?

In the midst of it all ... of the goodness and the blessed reprieve from my own desert slough ... I did find myself this morning with an I wish list. Not that I'm discontent ... just that I have a few longings that I really hope get fulfilled ... I'd like to think that doesn't mean I'm greedy! ~winks~

My wish list ...

*Reaffirming our wedding vows on our 10th anniversary in December with the Rev. Kevin Thomasson officiating and just our friends present ...

*One long balmy but not hot night on a porch (beach or mountains) with one pipe, two double old fashioned glasses, one bottle of Caol Ila, plenty of 7-up on ice, a pack of Nat Sherman's, some good Scots-Irish music, and conversation with my friend Reed Thomas ... I don't think there is anyone I'd enjoy that time with more ...

*One really balls-to-the-wall Boston trip with Molly and Dan and RJ complete with Fenway Park, a dip in the north Atlantic ... and all the other trimmings ...

*One weekend getaway for just the girls with Jan, Helen, Dar, Cindy, and Julie ... no kids and enough cash to do some impulse spending!

*An endless supply of Brouwerij Westvleteren (Sint-Sixtusabdij van Westvleteren), a beach house, one long weekend, great deck chairs, and Greg and Dan to discuss the finner points of BEER while I just sit at the feet of the Masters and take notes ~laughing~ I can not imagine what the two of them could unearth about beer, life, and quantum physics ...

*A missions trip to Asia with RJ, John & Helen, Dan & Molly, Greg & Jan, Andrew & Dar, Kevin & Christina, Kevin & Bond, Brian & Ashely (RJ's jujitsu sensei & his wife), Shane & Rachel, Rodney & Kim, and Reed & Tab ... I can NOT imagine what an amazing time that would be!

*An afternoon spying on John, Kevin, Reed, Rodney, and Andrew with their kids at the park ... with NO wives present ... ~laughing~ This image just cracks me up for some reason!

*A Shama Shama throw down night of prayer, praise, and ministry with all of the above mentioned folks ... plus THE RICKY, Nick, Monique, Baily, Caleb, and any of the other kids who can stay up that long!

These are just a few ... and I will note that I exercised CONSIDERABLE restraint in not listing Starbucks in any of my wishes *grins* ...

Anyways ... anyone else have a few to add?

The Fourth of July

Sometimes the best times come in the most unexpected packages or places. Yesturday we spent the day with Ricky, Sheri (his daughter), Tori (his daughter), Shane, Rachel, Nick, and Dan. We went to the church picnic in the park first and then headed back to Shane and Rachel's place. The guys got fresh cuts and we braved huge crowds to go watch fireworks at the lake. I think it was a lake ... we never got close enough to see the water! ~laughs~ Later, the fuzz busted up our home fireworks display due to the lateness of the hour but we had a great day none the less. Check out the montage if you wanna see the pics!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My finished Midori

Okay ... finally a real finished picture of my girl. The kanji on the side represent loyalty and passion.

I'm already wondering if there is anything else that I can get! ~laughing~ Actually I think RJ will be next with more work on his back and probably some Warrior stuff added to his arms ... should be pretty neat ... some of the coolest stuff is done in black and grey so I am thinking that's what he'll do.

*Update on the tattoo shop deal with Shane ... we went to look at the place that we believe that God is going to be opening up the doors for ... it was FAR and ABOVE anything to do with the current shop that has fallen through for Shane's shop. One of the things I spoke to he and Rachel about on Sunday was that the current shop is too secluded ... there isn't a way to easily socialize which I believe is going to be a huge part of Shane's ministry use of his business. Shane would be isolated in the back behind two closed doors. The place we looked at tonight has an OPEN floor plan with perfect space for EVERY THING! The plumbing is even already done to accomidate their needs! And perfect places to chill and share with folks who come back to just connect a little bit. We prayed last night that if the current shop wasn't the place that God would give us HIS best ... not what we thought was best ... and tonight ... well ... let's just say ... GOD IS GOOD all the time! We all joined hands and prayed at the new place tonight and asked that if this was the place ... that He would deliver it into Shane's hands and that Shane would give every effort within it to Him. It was amazing. Shane and Ricky were both in tears. Good stuff ...

Wine, Pipes, Tattoos and other objectionable things ...

I considered starting out this post saying ... "So I was sitting on the porch the other night sipping a glass of wine while RJ smoked his pipe and we discussed our newest plans for tattoos ... " but that wouldn't be the truth so I'll just say ... I imagined the scenario in the course of reading several other blogs recently ...

Which started me thinking about the -rules- so to speak. When we were in college (and over 21) several of us would have considered it a big issue or a matter of concern if someone were drinking. It was semi-considered a -sign- of trouble ... a hint of a deeper problem ... a rebellion of sorts. Same with smoking a cigar, pipe, or cigarette and well, tattoos hadn't come into fashion really so much yet so that wasn't something I think that we thought much about. You guys remember how it was though ... you didn't just tell people you had a tasty dark ale while watching a great old movie like Casablanca last night on TV ... either you didn't mention it at all which held a sort of hidden shame or deliciousness or you announced it boldly and dared someone to question it and still probably felt some sort of inner turmoil about it -- maybe secretly wondering whether it was really ok or not. The whole -what's my motivation- ruthless self examination that we constantly engaged in -- some for the good, some for the bad.

At any rate ... the -rules-. I used to think the rules were good. I used to think they were NECESSARY ... INTREGAL ... in the life of a Christian ... ESPECIALLY a young Christian. After all, if we didn't help them out with all the rules, they might slide right on back into sin ... not part from their evil friends and lifestyles and well, we truly cared for them so what gift did we give? RULES. Not grace and teaching and understanding about personal conviction and God's power to hold and mold those who give themselves to HIM ... but RULES.

Rules are safe -- right? Rules help you know where the boundaries are and help you to avoid trouble. Rules keep us on the path. To a point, that's very true. Parents laydown rules for children in order to nurture, discipline, and teach them the right paths and the safe roads. Funny thing is ... most of the time ... you don't see children in a group setting dictating too many rules on other children. Now occassionally you might get the "ohhhhhhhhh you aren't supposed to do that" from some child or another but who told them? It usually isn't enlightened advice peer to peer that sticks with young children. It's PARENTAL advice, guidance, and voice that molds and impacts young children most. Yes, there are exceptions and bad behavoir is certainly imitated among young kids but GOOD behavior and modeling comes from a parental figure ... not a peer figure.

As a child grows up ... then they are more inclined to take advice from peers than their parents and often suffer for those mistakes. Then ... eventually they get to be adults and realize how brilliant their parents actually were and have a whole new level of respect for them. Right?

What I'm driving at here is ... I think too often ... we jump in to play God in the lives of new or young Christians ... weighing them down with OUR rules ... taught to US other by other peers or in some cases by a personal conviction of our Father Authority figure - the Lord. We fail many times to consider that our rules MIGHT not be someone else's rules. We are so anxious to see success as WE perceive it that we want to do God's job for Him, you know ... give Him a hand in taking care of the flock. What we don't realize is that many times we burden young Christians with the rules that seem important to us but that are superficial to the Lord. Speak to a new Christian about the Lord's heart ... speak to him about learning to hear the Lord's voice in his Bible and private times ... and you are equipping him FAR more effectively than our list of Judeo-Christian socially accepted mores and rules. Sometimes in spite of all our lip service to God's power, we behave as though He is incapable of holding, keeping, or maintaining His own. Ultimately we forget that GOD is in control and that we aren't always needed as the well meaning but self appointed police force / parental brigade to new Christians.

This is not to say that I don't think accountability is important but if all your accountability relationship with someone is ... is rules ... then it's hardly as effective and meaningful as it's supposed to be. Accountability asks a person if God has spoken to them on a matter and asks what God's heart might be on a matter ... RULES ... well ... they just give rigid marks that are often more obstacle oriented than grace oriented.

I see a great deal more merit these days in allowing God's power and grace to do the convicting on a believer's life than imparting or inflicting MY rules ... maybe even my God given rules upon them. For example ... our friends Shane and Rachel. If you've been following my blog you know who they are. Shane is a new Christian who just gave his life to the Lord about 2 months ago. He doesn't know alot of the rules yet and frankly, I thank god for that. If someone had grabbed Shane the day he got saved and said, you know, you are living in sin with Rachel and you guys have to cut that out or you won't be right with God, I think it would have changed the course of his entire walk with God so far.(Shane was married prior and they can't get married until all the court stuff is finished, but they absolutely plan on it) It would have certainly been a burden, a worry, and a source of great conflict in his new life with the Lord. Instead, people ministered love, acceptance, and grace to him. They have started teaching him about the nature of God and about how to hear the Lord's voice, both in the Bible and his private times with God. He didn't get ruled to death ... literally ... in the midst of his new life. Interesting thing is ... without all those rules, he is making changes in his life and lifestyle. He is editing his language for example ... not because he was told to but because God is living inside of him and is convicting him. The Lord is doing the work ... not man's rules.

The funny thing to me is ... if you read what our friends are saying now ... they seem to enjoy their liberty in the Lord while not taking advantage of it. Their hearts are keen and open to the Lord ... their relationships with Him are intimate. They love with GRACE ... not the hand of authority or RULE ... they minister grace, forgiveness, and compassion while imparting deep truths that truly help through life's tough challenges and faith crises. They take the time to ask "What's God sayign to you about this" or to share their own struggles and lessons the Lord has shown them ... and less time telling me that my glass of wine is the gateway to damnation and that no self respecting God-fearing Christian woman would have a tattoo. They minister WHO God is ... NOT requirements for righteousness that God may or may not have given them ... they know now that in light of requirements and rules ... we all fall short. They understand more that grace is the extension that gives us hope, that gives us LIFE ... and that causes us to truly grow in the Lord and in HIS freedom.

Good gravy I am a babbler!

A Heck of a Day at Sea ...

So the last 48 hours have been quite a ride but you know ... that really IS how God rolls ... never predictable ... always astounding! Check out RJ's blog for the lowdown on church Sunday ... it was phenominal!

The REST of the story is that after our long lunch with Shane and Rachel we went home and I started researching their case through the North Carolina Real Estate Commission. I crafted a letter for him to send to his realator and we are believing for supernatural favor in the entire situation. Whether it's a new building that is more condusive to ministry or it's the existing building that gets re-zoned. We spent all day on Monday at the existing shop (not open for business) with Shane and Ricky and tons of people who just dropped by to check on the status of the shop, sorting receipts and working on our strategy. We dropped letters off at the real estate office AND sent them certified mail so please please please be praying.

The coolest thing was getting to SEE the changes that the Lord has made in Shane in EVERY way. He was sharing the Lord with everyone who came around ... not in a pushy way but in an -I am completely unashamed and committed- way. He has a friend that we met a few years ago named Red who is very close to him and VERY VERY anti-Christian on the surface. He is bitter and angry and defensive ... but honestly, when I see him ... I see a hurt little child who is afraid that he is going to lose all his friends to God. I think he was trying to be kinda hostile towards us yesturday but I didn't see it ... all I could see was hurt and fear. Shane just took him around back and talked to him about God and it was really fantastic. Red is afraid that he will lose all his friends and you know ... he's afraid of what he'd have to change and all that to be a Christian but ... it's clear, God is walking him down.

Anyways ... along with all our time at the shop working on the financial stuff ... we hooked up with one of our former residents, Nick. We have had many kids that impacted our lives over the last 3 years but I don't think anyone has touched us in quite the way that Nick did. We STILL have a picture of Nick on the fridge at the cottage. When he came to us he had long hair, he was angry, smoking lots of dope, and completely resistant. He was with us an unusual 119 ... we are only supposed to have them for 60 days but this really worked out in a fantastic way for us to ge to keep him so long. Long story sorta short, he returned to his family but still struggled with a number of issues and ended up going to Job Corps for a while but he has never really -found- his place so to speak.

We reconnected with him about a year ago through myspace which we frequently use to try to keep up with some of our kids ... but we only just exchanged a few messages in passing. He was busy and well you know ... one's former house parents may tend to cramp one's style. Anyways ... a few weeks ago I was reading his myspace and realized that he had enlisted in the United States Marine Corps and would be leaving soon. I sat and cried when I read it ... for a number of reasons ... pride and fear mostly I suppose. Of course the military has a very special place in my heart but it's always personal for me when we know someone going in. At any rate, we messaged Nick to get in touch with us and finally exchanged numbers and agreed to meet before he leaves in a couple of weeks. Well he called yesturday as we were leaving to go to the shop, so RJ went to pick him up while I met up with Shane and Ricky to start work.

During the course of our time hanging out and working I realized that Nick had already quit his job to go into the Corps but his departure date had been delayed. He was living in an apartment with no electricity and had been for two weeks. He didn't even have a job so I have no idea how he was eating ... he's already too skinny! ~laughs~ ... I had a quick conference with RJ which essentially consisted of me saying ... "Rich, Nick's electricity has already been turned off and he has been living there for two weeks with no phone and no electric" ... to which RJ responded by looking at Nick and saying, "So you'll be staying with us for a few weeks huh?". God, I love that man! Soooooooooo we have a house guest for a couple of weeks until he leaves for MEPS ... I am so happy to have him here ... he's a great young man now at 19 and he's so excited about going into the Corps. I believe that he is making a great decision for himself and that he needs this to gain a sense of accomplishment that he hasn't been able to attain previously.

The pic is of RJ and Nick this morning in front of the house. The way the Lord works ... it's indeed mysterious sometimes. Pray for us please ... for the tattoo ministry ... for Nick getting ready to go ... and that we will have the chance to say the things that God would have us say to Nick during this time before he goes.

I love you guys!

The next big -thing- ...

So today RJ and I splurged in a big way and bought almost $500 worth of paint and painting supplies. The paint is mostly Ralph Lauren and it's supposed to be quite the challenge to work with ... but hey we figure ... having NEVER painted a single room we have lived in ... why start small right?? ~laughing~

I was telling RJ last week while we were at work that I have never painted a single room that I've lived in my entire life. We moved a bit growing up but I was never allowed to pick the colors of my room and even as an adult, I have never moved into a residence and painted a room the way I really wanted it to be. My sister, Jennifer is a champ at this. She paints immediately when she moves in or gets an idea and I've always admired her courageous spirit. Maybe I'm just lazy and it always seemed to be so much work ... or many it's just that I always simply accepted what was there and worked around it. Last week I finally told Rich that I was sick of always having white walls and of never putting my real -mark- on our home. So ... we started planning ...

We have lived in this house for three years ... when we first moved in it seemed plenty big. Of course now, it feels way too small. We only have two bedrooms in this house and it's laid out in a pretty strange way. I won't get into all the deficits ... there are things I love about this house. We rent it because it's on the grounds where we work, but we have always been free to decorate it however we wished ... we just haven't done much beyond hang pictures and get furniture. Anyways ... we have used the second bedroom as a -guest room- for three years. Only we've had guests to spend the night a mere twice since we moved in. Once my sister and once my parents. Otherwise, the room acts as a command center for our going back and forth to work baggage. We just come home from a week at work and dump everything in there and live out of our suitcases in that room. The second room is the ONLY room in the house that our 5 furry babies have NO access to.

Now for those of you who don't live in a home managed by cats ... you can't really understand what I am getting at here. Our cats live here more than we do and frankly ... they let us know frequently that they are being highly generous by letting us stay here part of the time. Nothing is sacred to them and no surface is safe. I can't have any live plants in the house because they will eat them in a most disturbingly short time period. I can't leave unfinished things lying around because as they chase each other around the house, any surface is fair game and anything sitting out may well be an obstacle that gets clipped by a flying paw or tail with no looking back. We always come home from work to stuff being on the floor and I basically have to put away or put up very securely anything that I really must save from the potential destruction that is our wild kingdom. The cats are also kinda spiteful and they get annoyed when we aren't home enough so some damage is strictly to announce their general or specific displeasure with us. At any rate ... I can't leave stuff out that is valuable and I can't leave any projects ... -in process- so to speak because they have this uncanny way of sensing what is important and well ... standing there looking at you while they inch it off a table one nudge at a time, their definant gaze never leaving your face.

Soooo ... long story shortened a bit ... I want a study. I want a place to paint and write and read that isn't in the grand safari traffic pattern. I have very expensive painting materials that I must pack up and un pack every time I use them and that makes for a less than inspirational environment believe me. I already have to spend time mixing my ink and getting into the right mood but who wants to unpack everything from being fully put away before even starting on a project? And of course my babies feel that they need creative outlets too or simply MUST taste the colors on my palette so ... I can never really paint in peace elsewhere in our house. Mostly I hike it all to work and try to creat there. Rich and I agreed that after three years of no real company ... keeping a feline free bedroom just isn't a high priority for us. We want that space. I NEED that space ... and I need it cat free! ~grins~

After some debate and misgivings because I've never really designed or decorated a room just for me or rather for US ... that will have a specific purpose ... we have made the big decisions. Our king sized bed is so old it pathetic but we've hesitated to part with it because of course, it's big enough to share with all our furry babies. It's going. We are moving the kingsized bed to the curb, moving the brand new queen sized bed into our room ... gutting the small second bedroom and making an Asian themed study/ reading room/ art room. And I'm thrilled. We are painting that room red with black trim and I'm going to put tatami mat on the floor, a bonsai (Japanese cherry blossom), some Japanese art that I have, a low table for painting, a chair and good lighting for reading ... and bookshelves in there. I can't wait!

Since we are in for a penny now with one paint job on our plate ... we figured ... hey let's just dive in ... so we are painting our bedroom also ... it will be a light purple with a suede finish and dark trim. Likewise, we are going to paint the dinning room a bamboo green with dark trim also with a suede finish and our family room is going to be dark blue accent walls with opposing white walls for the Navy theme that we already have going there. It's going to be a huge undertaking but ... I figure ...we may as well go ahead and make it what we want it to be. We don't plan on moving soon and I think our home needs to be more -ours- and less like a motel we come and stay at every other week.

Today we bought all the paints, tons of storage bins for our junk that is now going to have to be carefully sorted, discarded, or stored in the attic as we are going to be losing our junk room now. There is a lot to be done ... but I am pleased that I am finally stepping out to put my mark on a space ... and I'm praying that it doesn't look hideous when I am done. If it does ... thankfully RJ isn't a complainer and he has been very supportive so ... we'll figure out a way to fix it!

Wish us luck!

By request ... the bleeding tat ...

I haven't posted a pic of my finished -Konnichiwa- tat ... but I'll post this one for Dan's gratuitous viewing pleasure ... this was taken on a break DURING the tattoo session ... she looks much better now. ~laughing~ Later today I'll maybe post a new picture of her as this one doesn't show a lot of her features.

Also maybe I'll post a classic picture of Shane hard at work on my girl ... he really enjoys his work ... .

I'm not going to lie ... this one HURT. Because I got the first part of it about a month before the second part, the skin was still very tender ... I haven't ever cried before when getting my other tats but this time, I cried ... actually I screamed. It was very tense and this was during the first 5 minutes of him starting to work. RJ said that he was sure I'd never get through it ... I had about 6 hours to go on the tat when I was really hurting ... so things weren't looking good. ~laughs~ Anyways ... I'll post her finished soon!

Woot Sox!

~laughing~ Ok ... Dan got it right ... it's music that is traditionally tied to the RedSox. Last night while RJ was too sick to move, we watched Fever Pitch on HBO. In short it's about a RedSox obsessed man who has to decide what is really important in life. It's a really cute movie but I think RJ and I enjoyed it most because our very close friends here in T'ville, Dan and Molly are die hard Rox Sox fans.

Okay, okay ... they aren't as die hard as the guy in the movie but they are very loyal. And I confess ... I just haven't -gotten- it until last night. They speak about the Red Sox and seeing a home game in Fenway Park -- Molly still has that Boston accent when she says it so it's Paak with no r. I just always nod and listen politely but I think ... while I wasn't looking ... that they've infected me! ~laughing~

Of course I've always been a huge football fan and fondly recall all of our outtings to see the Mountaineers play all over the place (remember West Virginia anyone???) but I confess, I've NEVER been to a major league or even a college baseball game. No home town minor league games. Zero ... zip ... zilch. But ... I am feeling this longing growing in my heart to see a game in Fenway Park of the Red Sox. It's kinda funny really but I found myself watching the movie and thinking about the way Dan and Molly's faces light up when they talk about Fenway Park and Boston and the Red Sox and I just ... want to go now. It's an historical experience and I've already found myself looking at silly Fenway Park trivia online so that I'd be prepared if we ever get to go.

It seems that we need to make a decision to at least go next year because it's not for certain how much longer the originial Fenway Park will be used before they knuckle under and build a new venue for them. Of course ... Dan and Molly can discuss this at great length - I've seen them ~grins~ ... but I definitely want to go to get the whole flavor of that great American pasttime. It appears to be WAY more than a baseball game and much of a life experience!

We may have a chance to go up to Boston in the fall and I am excited about that. I've never been and it's always been a city that really interests me. Of course ... in the fall there won't be any games for the Sox but ... it would be a great time with Dan and Molly to show us around, I am sure.

So enjoy the ode to the Sox music a little longer ... til I find my next source of inspiration!

bright blessings ya'll!

Anyone ... anyone ... anyone???

Ok so ... in the spirit of trying to liven things up while I'm doing sick duty here at the Outman Infirmary ... I decided to play with my music a little bit. Anyone have any idea what the theme or significance is of the music I put on my player today? ~grins~

Love Ya'll!

C

What in the World?

Cubby is down ... Courtney is down ... and now Rich? Rich and I have been at the doctor's all morning. He has pneumonia and is flat on his back. He RARELY gets sick but when he does it's usually a doozie! We are supposed to go on our mission trip next week and that is looking next to impossible now and it's just the worst feeling to see him so sick and helpless. He feels maybe the worst I've ever seen him feel aside from his horrible ear infection about 6 years ago. Please be remembering us, Courtney and Cubby in your prayers. I am not sure what is going on ... but this seems a bit much for such a small group of friends. We love you guys!

C

One Night With the King

Yesturday RJ and I went to church with Shane (our tattoo artist). It was like coming home after being away for a long time. He has been going to the Rock of Greensboro, now called Christian City Church and it was a wonderful experience for RJ and I and our boys from the cottage. It was really neat to see all of the people that Shane has started bringing to church ... we all sat together in one section which pretty much could easily be labled the -tattoo- section. ~laughing~

Most of the folks sitting in our section had piercings, tattoos, different hair or some other socially -outspoken- visual statement, for lack of a better term. We were all treated so warmly ... with so much genuine caring and welcome that it was like a breath of fresh air. The church is very multi-cultural and relevant but it's clearly also a place that welcomes -who so ever would cometh-. It was something else to see some of what our society would view as -radicals- praising God and learning about Him.

I suppose that I would have always thought of myself as one who would be the -nilla- or boring, plain section of the church by visual standards until I came home yesturday and looked in the mirror. I had to laugh, considering what a picture RJ and I must make these days. Me with fuzz on top of my hair, three earrings in one ear, two in the other, rings on my fingers and toes, a silver anklet, and two tattoos barely visible at the hem of my shorts. RJ with two gauged earrings in his ears, no hair, and tattoos in several places including his legs, and a goatee. ~grins~ I suppose to others we don't look so plain or -blend- as easily as we used to. At any rate, it was a fanstastic service and I can't wait to go back.

The message was "For Such A Time As This" and it was highly inspiring as well as challenging. If you haven't taken the time to see "A Night With the King", it might be an interesting sit down for -date night- or some other time. A lot of people think it's a chick flick but I think the message is profound regardless of gender, so guys, perhaps you'll score points with the Mrs. if you sit down and watch it with her! ~winks~

As I was thinking of the message today on my cherished drive to Starbucks for my daily fix of Iced Venti Caramel Macchiato, I confess that I had to wonder how it really applies to my life (both the message yesturday and the message of Esther). The sermon was delivered by an interesting and charismatic fellow named -Rock- and he spoke about the importance of understanding that God will use your gifts and talents for such a time as this to do His work in the Kingdom. He will use whatever means are needed to fulfill his work and that everyone has a purpose that God intends to use in His work. I think the message really spoke to Shane a good deal partially because not many people see a -tattoo artist- as someone who could be used greatly in the Kingdom, you know? I see it as an open mission field personally though and he is certainly bringing people to church and sharing with them. At any rate, Rock also talked about winning our entire generation to the Lord and this obviously ties in with God using whatever talents and gifts that we have in winning this generation to Him.

So ... I look around me and then I read the story of Esther again before starting this blog ... and I confess ... I'm no further along in some aspects of understanding what this really means for me ... but I'm definitely open to hearing from the Lord about it. ~grins~ In the book of Esther we see that there was a time (12 months) of preparation before she was to see the King ... including being oiled with perfumes and myrrh. Of course, we are told that in the Bible oil may be used to signify cleansing, self purification, and annointing. Also of course we know that it was used as a cosmetic because of the arid conditions of the region to keep skin supple and moist. At any rate, we see the time of preparation and then we see that she has ONE night, or ONE occassion in which to be choosen by the King. She will either have his favor or she won't. Interestingly, the Lord, through her obedience gives her favor with the King and she then comes into a position of power.

I have to wonder ... what is my -for such a time as this- Assignment. Is it to reach the kids in our care for the Lord? Is it to follow the part of my heart that longs to go overseas? Is it to discover some hidden thing that I've yet to uncover about myself ... a gift or talent and to use it? I don't know ... yet ...

What is yours?

Words of Inspiration ...

As I was researching quotes for my blog banner ... I started wondering about the quotes that others find inspirational ... from movies to books to public addresses. So ... I'm opening up the floor for contributions. What are some of your favorite quotes (aside from the Bible) that inspire or give you cause to pause and reflect? I'll share a few of mine here ...

-It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. *Anais Nin

-I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. *Anaïs Nin

-War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. *John Stuart Mill

-Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.*A Few Good Men

-Truth is generally the best vindication against slander.*Abraham Lincoln

-When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.*Anais Nin

-And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.*Friedrich Nietzsche

-It is one thing to show a man that he is in error, and another to put him in possession of truth.*John Locke

-Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one. *Friedrich Nietzsche

-You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.*Friedrich Nietzsche

-After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.*Friedrich Nietzsche

- Power Corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.*Lord Acton

-Come quickly! I am tasting stars!*Dom Perignon

-You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.*Margaret Thatcher

-"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."*Galileo Galilei

-"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
*Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

-"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." Sir Winston Churchill

-In True Love one finds Courage*Asian saying

- To see what is right and not to do it is want of courage.*Confucius

-Silence is a true friend who never betrays*Confucious

Nothing At All

Let the whole world fall away
And fall into my arms
Stay with me
I don't know how long we've got left
And so I'm asking you
To forgive me
I learn as I go
To float far away
Into silence
And just watch your face
And find some kind of grace
In that quiet bliss
Where will we go when we get old
When the bustle and the noise
Get too frightening
When each and every angry word
Is banished to the past
That's when I think…
We'll learn as we go
To float far away
Into silence
And I'll watch your face
And read of patience and grace
In each line there
Will you walk into the grave with me
Will you leave this empty world
Soft and wistful
To sink into the dark, dank earth
And never reappear would be blissful
To float far away
Into eternal space
And God's silence
Where I'll watch your face
And find patience and grace
In each line there
Can I stay and say nothing at all.
Work each day, all for nothing at all.
The few words I say they mean nothing at all.
Drift away into nothing at all.
Find the grace to be nothing at all.
Fade away and end up nothing at all. At all, at all, at all.
-Rob Dougan

Waiting for perfection ...

Sometimes I think too much energy and time has been wasted in my life -waiting for perfection- and excusing anything that comes short as simply not perfect yet so it doesn't matter. Sound goofy? Yeah ... I guess it kinda does. I'll try to explain a little bit ...

I've been interested in Asian painting for a while now ... sumi-e (Japanese) and Chinese brush painting. I've spent a pathetic amount of money on books, brushes, rice paper, ink, ink stones, palettes, and paints. I've sat down and STARTED many things. I have not a single solitary picture that I've actually kept to show for my work and efforts. This is not to say that I've spent hours every day at my painting ... but it is to say that I can't even settle on a single piece as remotedly successful even as a -first work-. I have all kinds of fancy rice paper and stuff for when I finally get good enough to actually -create- something worth saving ... but I haven't even been able to be satisfied with the stuff I've done on my cheaper practice paper. I've saved nothing.

I have gone through almost an entire set of paints, a whole ink stick and a whole roll of practice paper. But when I look at it ... I can't find anything redeeming in what I paint. To me it's all glaring imperfection and it's all trash. I spent time ... really trying to create or follow the instructions but at the end of the time ... I only see trash ... nothing worth saving.

It's the same with my poetry. I will write for a season ... decide that it's mostly all garbage and never share it with anyone. I just throw it away or hide it on my computer and never look at it again. It's never good enough to share. It's never anything that I feel that I can -risk- opening up myself for rejection over ... so I reject it first.

I've decided that my artistic frustration/intolerance/cowardous/criticalness is perhaps symptomatic of the rest of my life. Art is a personal creation ... it's an expression of self right? If we aren't happy with ourselves ... we'll never be happy with our creations. Or at least I think that may be true for me. I tend to view myself the way I view my artistic efforts. I reject myself ... I discount me ... I find the imperfections in me and condemn them and myself ... before anyone else can. If that makes sense. I am not kind to myself. Or perhaps I am too indulgent of mistakes as eraseable. Or maybe I'm too afraid of having my mistakes seen so I try to hide them.

Now perhaps I just lack artistic flare. Perhaps I lack that -something- that allows an artist to be free and creative. But perhaps too, I am simply a coward. I am afraid of just being who I am or of just putting down my interpretation on paper ... because then ... someone can critique it and destroy it. If I'm not brave enough to embrace myself ... AND my artistic work ... then I don't give myself room to experience the joy that is supposed to be found in creating something.

I was thinking ... I don't expect much from me ... and perhaps I don't find anything redeeming in my artwork or poetry because then ... failure hurts less. Insults, critical comments, disagreement seems removed and is less personal. And maybe too ... if I always view things as being painted on a canvas that can simply be thrown away when I screw up (which of course I expect to) then ... I don't always make the best decisions. I don't look at the outcomes as being more important ... when sometimes they certainly are. I tend to view too many things as inevitable failure from the start or something that I can simply ball up and throw away or hide on my computer or in a notebook. I don't want the pressure nor do I have the confidence always for a -live- show. Funny how that seems to be ...

More from the Hagakure ...

A few more interesting passages from the Hagakure ...

A Samurai with no group and no horse is not a samurai at all.
p. 32

In China there once was a man who liked pictures of dragons, and his clothing and furnishings were all designed accordingly. His deep affection for dragons was brought to the attention of the dragon god, and one day a real dragon appeared before his window. It is said that he died of fright. He was probably a man who always spoke big words but acted differently when facing the real thing.
p. 38

There is a way of bringing up the child of a samurai. From the time of infancy one should encourage bravery and avoid trivilally frightening or teasing the child. If a person is affected by cowardice as a child, it remains a lifetime scar. It is a mistake for parents to thoughtlessly make their children dread lightening, or to have them not go into dark places, or to tell them frightening things in order to stop them from crying. Furthermore, a child will become timid if he is scolded severely.
One should not allow bad habits to form. After a bad habit is ingrained, although you admonish the child he will not improve. As for such things as proper speaking and good manners, gradually make the child aware of them. Let him not know avariance. Other than that, if he is of normal stature, he should develop wll by the way he is brought up.
Moreover, the child of parents who have a bad relationship will be unfillial. This is natural. Even the birds and beasts are affected by what they are used to seeing and hearing from the time they are born. Also, the relationship between father and child may deteriorate because of a mother's foolishness. A mother loves her child above all things, and will be partial to the childn who is corrected by his father. If she becomes the child's ally, there will be discord between father and son. Because of the shallowness of her mind, a woman sees the chld as her support in old age.
P. 40

To hate injustice and stand on righteousness is a difficult thing. Furthermore, to think that being righteous is the best you can do and to do one's utmost to be righteous will, on the contrary, bring many mistakes. The Way is a higher place then righteousness. This is very difficult to discover, but it is the highest wisdom. When seen from this standpoint, things like righteousness are rather shallow. If one does not understand this on his own, it cannot be known. There is a method of getting to this Way, however, even if one cannot discover it by himself. This is found in consulting with others. Even a person who has not attained the Way sees others from the side. It is like the saying from the game of go: "He who sees from the side has eight eyes." The saying, "Thought by thought, we see our own mistakes", also means that the highest Way is in discussions with others. Listening to the old stories and reading books are for the purpose of sloughing off one's own discriminations and attaching oneself to that of the ancients.
p.26

It's this last quote that reminded me most of the Bible. Though the "Way" spoke of is the Way of the Samurai - Bushido ... I find some applicable parallels to the Bible as the Way in these words. I was first reminded of Romans, Chapter 7.

7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."8 But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I then thought of this passage
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. (Isaiah 64:6)

For the sake of brevity ~laughs~ I'll not include the entire text of an interesting page I found but will reference it here, for any who are interested - Filthy Rags

Basically what I thought was interesting is the fact that the samurai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo comes to the same conclusion in some respects as the writers of the Bible. In our own strength ... in our own way ... righteousness apart from God -- THE WAY is not enough. Even someone who doesn't know the Lord can see the Lord in us. Can learn of the Lord THROUGH us ... and can come to learn of THE TRUE WAY. Our own indignation at injustice is not enough nor is our own resolve to do what is right. Invariably ... we fail on our own power when it comes to executing righteousness. THE WAY of the Lord is far above our righteousness and often defies our understanding ... consider Cubbie's discussions on Dark Grace or Helen's ponderings of the Lord's directives.

While I don't subscribe to the believe that the highest Way is in discusisons with others ... I do agree that discussion can be challenging and enlightening in terms of understanding what the Lord is saying to us and in hearing His voice. It can also come by personal enlightenment however, sometimes our discussions based on personal enlightenment can round out what we believe that the Lord is privately speaking to us. And of course lastly, reading the Bible and scholars of the past is our way of putting off our own discriminations and learning THE WAY that those who walked with the Lord understood.

Just a little food for thought ...

It's Done ...

So ... it's done. The pinkness is gone ... and I'm bald. I can't begin to describe the chorus of emotions that are clamouring inside of me. I can't explain how exposed I feel ... how naked ... how ugly actually.

I can't take it back though ... so I find a way now to mush forward. It's been far more of a sacrifice than I thought. Far more. It was a good week though ... lots of fun with friends ... so much goofing around and joking that tonight was all the more shocking I guess, in it's stark anti-climatic finish. Zip ... it's gone. No novelty ... nothing to deflect the shock ... just ... nothing. ~soft smile~

I'm sure I'll finish my crying by the end of the week ... and it's certainly pushing me to find perspective. There are so many more important things in the world than hair right? So many more crucial things that how someone looks. I am guessing it's easier somehow when a really gorgeous person shaves their hair ... because they still have lots of physical bonuses ... I however am not loaded with physical bonuses to compensate ... yeah ... tough night.

Two last pictures of the pink mohawk crew ... for posterity ...

Classic!

No one says it quit the way Dennis Miller does!

And ... I'm Back!

It's been a heck of a week here ... lots going on ... and finally ... midori is finished WOOT! On friday RJ and I went to have the rest of my tat done which took about 6 hours and then headed up to the mountians to spend a couple of days with 3 other couples we work with. The pic on the left is from friday ... Shane really gets into his work! ~laughing~

It was cool to get to spend time talking to him ... he has been regularly going to church and he loved the bible we got him. It's neat to see what the Lord is doing in his life!

We had a great time in the moutians ... aside from the pain of my tat. We got lots of strange looks from people in Black Mountain with our strange, unconventional hair but it was cool to have some fellowship with our co-workers. We don't get much of a chance to hang out together so it was great to get to let our hair down.

We are reaching the countdown phase to our trip to Myrtle Beach for the missions trip over July 4th. Hopefully that will go well. I am sure I"ll have more to share later today ... just trying to get my bearings right now.

Bright blessings ya'll!

It's Just hair ... right? right??? RIGHT?????

Ok ... so ... that's me. Yeah ... ~coughs~ tonight ... at 1:02am. Sometimes there just aren't any words are there? I can only imagine your retinas burning on Thursday when you tune in for my lastest bizarro post and find this! ~laughing~

My hair is fast going ... on Monday ... it all goes. Until then ... it's a mostly pink mohawk that has succeded in making me look even more nutty than I even imagined. ~smiles~

Why the hair cut? No, no, no ... I'm not headed to rehab like Brittany or anything ... and no I wasn't cutting out my spectacular hair extensions. I shaved my head in support of one of the ladies that we work with here. She has breast cancer and is losing her hair this week. I have been wrestling with this for a while. I knew that I felt like I was supposed to cut it ... but I wasn't sure that I could really make myself do it. You guys might remember when my Mom had cancer ... I told her then ... that when the time came, that I'd shave my head with her so that she wouldn't have to go through being bald alone. She never ended up losing all of her hair because her chemo was cut short.

For a woman I can think of no more difficult thing than losing one's hair. You know ... a woman's hair is her glory and all that stuff ... and Lord knows that men love a woman's hair. So in addition to the fight for your life, when you have breast cancer especially ... including all of the trauma of losing your breast ... you lose the beauty of your hair. No changing your mind ... no turning back ... nothing. If you go with modern treatment ... the hair goes.

When I told our co-worker, Marisa that I was going to shave my head to support her ... that it would be a reminder every day to pray for her and to remember just a tiny piece of what she is going through ... I think she was really shocked ... but touched. Hopefully it will offer her some measure of comfort or ease that we will be bald together and we can share fashion head ware! ~smiles~ I am not stupid enough to think that cutting one's hair means that one understands what it's like to have cancer ... the fears or the struggles ... I know it doesn't mean that I understand anything but one single vanity. But I do know what it's like to be told that you have cancer ... in my case, I was blessed that it was a misdiagnosis. I know what it's like to have someone you love struggle with cancer, and people you love die from cancer. It's a horrible disease. No doubt. But ... I can make a gesture of support ... so ... I can't take it back now ... .

We aren't allowed to have radical color in our hair for work or anything like that ... so I colored it pink - for breast cancer awareness ... it was my way of trying to have some fun and work my way up to the big loss. Tonight I took the second step and had the sides and back completely shaved to a mohawk. Dan and RJ both shaved their hair into mohawks also in support. It was pretty funny actually. This weekend we are all going up to the mountain house for a get away weekend (with 4 couples from work) and then ... on Monday before we return to work, I'll have to shave this off and pretty much keep it covered until it grows out a bit.

And update on -Konnichiwa- : Shane had to cancel our appointment last week to finish her. He was sick, but we are supposed to finish up on Friday before we head up to the mountain house. He did tell me on the phone last week that he has started going to church! I was so excited about that ... I went and got him a new bible from RJ and I ... hopefully it will be used! He was very excited and we talked a while about all that has been going on with him. He is really happy with the church he is going to ... it's a non-denominational church in Greensboro and he feels VERY accepted there.

I'll try to write more tommorrow and bring everyone up to date on the rest of everything that's been going on. I've been off my blogging lately ... hopefully I'll get my groove back!

Monique ...

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Konnichiwa II

So I leave in a few moments to get more work done on Midori. I have been thinking a great deal about my last session with Shane and I feel like I am supposed to give him a CD with the Rescue song on it (the one that is playing here on my blog with the introduction). I don't know why exactly but I feel that I'm supposed to so I've burned a copy and I'm going to take it with me today.

I am praying that he isn't offended and that maybe sometime he'll listen to it. I think he will ... he's not easily offended but you know how the best intentions sometimes go. Anyways ... I put a number of songs on it ... so I hope it will encourage him in some way. Of course, I titled the CD - "I Dare You" ~laughing~ so I guess sublty isn't my strong suit ... but anyways ...

be praying for me today please. More pain ... and more opportunity ...

Blessings!

My girl ...

Any one have any idea who in the world this might be?

Without giving it totally away ... I write this post with tears in my eyes. In fact ... right now I can't write it ... I'm going to have to step away from this one for a while just because I'm so overwhelmed with emotion ...

So I'll let you guys take a guess or two at who this gorgeous, talented, intelligent, God-loving young woman is ...

while I just go and thank God a few moments ...

Add another POW/MIA from the Iraq War to the previous list

SSG Matt Maupin was born on July 13, 1983 in Batavia, Ohio. He was a 3.5 grade-point-average student and football player at Glen Este High School in Union Township, Clermont County, Ohio. He graduated in 2001 and joined the U.S. Army Reserve and was assigned to the Army Reserve's 724th Transportation Company, from Bartonville, Illinois.
On April 9, 2004, Maupin's fuel convoy came under attack near the Baghdad International Airport. He was reported as disappeared (technically missing in action) along with Sgt. Elmer Krause and a small group of private military contractors from Kellogg, Brown and Root, which included hostage Thomas Hamill, who was later rescued.

On April 16, 2004, the face of Maupin was broadcast on a videotape by the Arabic-language TV network Al-Jazeera. The tape, reportedly delivered to the U.S. embassy in Doha, Qatar, raised hopes that Maupin was still alive. In the video, the soldier identified himself as "Private First Class Keith Matthew Maupin," a standard procedure followed by prisoners of war which protect their rights under the Third Geneva Convention.

On June 28, 2004, Al-Jazeera reported that Maupin was executed by a group identifying itself as the Persistent Power Against the Enemies of God and the Prophet. The method of execution in the alleged report was a gunshot to the head.

Maupin has been promoted twice since he was declared missing in action, first from Private First Class to Specialist, and then to Sergeant. As of April 6, 2005 he is the only U.S. soldier unaccounted for in Iraq.
http://www.bluestarmothers.org/documents/maupin.htm

His parent's website is: http://www.yellowribbonsupportcenter.com/index_pow.html

DO SOMETHING

Memorial Day. This Memorial Day we still have at least 2 American Soldiers who are MIA and presummed held by the enemy. There are 3,441 confirmed by the DoD (Department of Defense) Men and Women of our Armed Services in the Iraq War who have died. Around 60,000 died in the Vietnam War, over 135,000 were wounded and there are still 2,099 still unaccounted for (POW/MIA). In the Korean War, 33, 686 died in a combat related death, 92, 134 were wounded, 8,175 unaccounted for included over 4,000 MIAs, and there were 7,225 POWs. In WWII almost 400,000 died and 700,000 were wounded. In WWI over 100,000 died and over 200,000 were wounded.

We all know 591 POW/MIAs came home during Operation Homecoming, but did you know that in September 1972, the General of the N. Vietnamese Army, Gen. Quang, told the North Vietnamese Politburo that they (the North Vietnamese) were holding 1,205 Americans as POWs and only 368 had been acknowledged or were to be acknowledged to the American authorities? The document was uncovered just after Clinton's first inauguration and the first thing his administration did with the document was classify it.

Our nation can never honor enough those who have sacrified their lives for the freedoms we enjoy today. We can never thank their families enough. And we can never thank our Veterans enough for their sacrificial service to our country. As the Average American grows more and more apathetic and indifferent if not outright hostile towards those who serve our country, it's incumbent on us more than ever before to DO something to support our Men and Women of the United States Armed Forces who currently serve as well as the many Veterans who have given so much for US!

PRAY! PRAY! And then, PRAY! I beg you to pray for our marines, soldiers, sailors, and airmen! Pray for those who are returning from War that no amount of military training can prepare you for. Pray for our MIA's and POW's -- that God will supernaturally intervene. Pray for the those still on the ground, facing death with every roll of the tires on their vehicles and in every exposed contact with a national.

ADOPT A SOLDIER, MARINE, SAILOR, or AIRMAN. If you can't commit to adopting one regularly ... then I invite you to join Rich and I in supporting the 5 troops that we have adopted on behalf of our boys in Emergency Care. We send them packages and mail monthly if not more but postage is VERY expensive. We have had many items donated that we can't send yet because we just don't have the funds. The average cost of shipping one package is $25. DO something ... join together with others to donate or adopt a troop as a family project. Let me know if you need links to good places to get an assigned military member.

VISIT a VA facility with your family or alone and THANK THEM! SUPORPRT Legislation and News media outlets that are supportive of our troops and are not seeking to subvert their safety and compromise their mission. Write a letter to your representatives in Government to urge them to pass the bills that will fund our troops so that they may have the equipment and supplies they desperately need.

This year ... do more than take a few moments to consider what holiday allows us to be home from work and soaking up the sun ... barbequing with family and stuff. Really commit to doing something to support those who make our days off in leisure possible. Those who are laying their lives on the line for the defense of our country all over the world. They keep a watch so that we can close our eyes in safety and peace.

Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and curse the Marines; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
-A Few Good Men