Sometimes I think too much energy and time has been wasted in my life -waiting for perfection- and excusing anything that comes short as simply not perfect yet so it doesn't matter. Sound goofy? Yeah ... I guess it kinda does. I'll try to explain a little bit ...
I've been interested in Asian painting for a while now ... sumi-e (Japanese) and Chinese brush painting. I've spent a pathetic amount of money on books, brushes, rice paper, ink, ink stones, palettes, and paints. I've sat down and STARTED many things. I have not a single solitary picture that I've actually kept to show for my work and efforts. This is not to say that I've spent hours every day at my painting ... but it is to say that I can't even settle on a single piece as remotedly successful even as a -first work-. I have all kinds of fancy rice paper and stuff for when I finally get good enough to actually -create- something worth saving ... but I haven't even been able to be satisfied with the stuff I've done on my cheaper practice paper. I've saved nothing.
I have gone through almost an entire set of paints, a whole ink stick and a whole roll of practice paper. But when I look at it ... I can't find anything redeeming in what I paint. To me it's all glaring imperfection and it's all trash. I spent time ... really trying to create or follow the instructions but at the end of the time ... I only see trash ... nothing worth saving.
It's the same with my poetry. I will write for a season ... decide that it's mostly all garbage and never share it with anyone. I just throw it away or hide it on my computer and never look at it again. It's never good enough to share. It's never anything that I feel that I can -risk- opening up myself for rejection over ... so I reject it first.
I've decided that my artistic frustration/intolerance/cowardous/criticalness is perhaps symptomatic of the rest of my life. Art is a personal creation ... it's an expression of self right? If we aren't happy with ourselves ... we'll never be happy with our creations. Or at least I think that may be true for me. I tend to view myself the way I view my artistic efforts. I reject myself ... I discount me ... I find the imperfections in me and condemn them and myself ... before anyone else can. If that makes sense. I am not kind to myself. Or perhaps I am too indulgent of mistakes as eraseable. Or maybe I'm too afraid of having my mistakes seen so I try to hide them.
Now perhaps I just lack artistic flare. Perhaps I lack that -something- that allows an artist to be free and creative. But perhaps too, I am simply a coward. I am afraid of just being who I am or of just putting down my interpretation on paper ... because then ... someone can critique it and destroy it. If I'm not brave enough to embrace myself ... AND my artistic work ... then I don't give myself room to experience the joy that is supposed to be found in creating something.
I was thinking ... I don't expect much from me ... and perhaps I don't find anything redeeming in my artwork or poetry because then ... failure hurts less. Insults, critical comments, disagreement seems removed and is less personal. And maybe too ... if I always view things as being painted on a canvas that can simply be thrown away when I screw up (which of course I expect to) then ... I don't always make the best decisions. I don't look at the outcomes as being more important ... when sometimes they certainly are. I tend to view too many things as inevitable failure from the start or something that I can simply ball up and throw away or hide on my computer or in a notebook. I don't want the pressure nor do I have the confidence always for a -live- show. Funny how that seems to be ...
I've been interested in Asian painting for a while now ... sumi-e (Japanese) and Chinese brush painting. I've spent a pathetic amount of money on books, brushes, rice paper, ink, ink stones, palettes, and paints. I've sat down and STARTED many things. I have not a single solitary picture that I've actually kept to show for my work and efforts. This is not to say that I've spent hours every day at my painting ... but it is to say that I can't even settle on a single piece as remotedly successful even as a -first work-. I have all kinds of fancy rice paper and stuff for when I finally get good enough to actually -create- something worth saving ... but I haven't even been able to be satisfied with the stuff I've done on my cheaper practice paper. I've saved nothing.
I have gone through almost an entire set of paints, a whole ink stick and a whole roll of practice paper. But when I look at it ... I can't find anything redeeming in what I paint. To me it's all glaring imperfection and it's all trash. I spent time ... really trying to create or follow the instructions but at the end of the time ... I only see trash ... nothing worth saving.
It's the same with my poetry. I will write for a season ... decide that it's mostly all garbage and never share it with anyone. I just throw it away or hide it on my computer and never look at it again. It's never good enough to share. It's never anything that I feel that I can -risk- opening up myself for rejection over ... so I reject it first.
I've decided that my artistic frustration/intolerance/cowardous/criticalness is perhaps symptomatic of the rest of my life. Art is a personal creation ... it's an expression of self right? If we aren't happy with ourselves ... we'll never be happy with our creations. Or at least I think that may be true for me. I tend to view myself the way I view my artistic efforts. I reject myself ... I discount me ... I find the imperfections in me and condemn them and myself ... before anyone else can. If that makes sense. I am not kind to myself. Or perhaps I am too indulgent of mistakes as eraseable. Or maybe I'm too afraid of having my mistakes seen so I try to hide them.
Now perhaps I just lack artistic flare. Perhaps I lack that -something- that allows an artist to be free and creative. But perhaps too, I am simply a coward. I am afraid of just being who I am or of just putting down my interpretation on paper ... because then ... someone can critique it and destroy it. If I'm not brave enough to embrace myself ... AND my artistic work ... then I don't give myself room to experience the joy that is supposed to be found in creating something.
I was thinking ... I don't expect much from me ... and perhaps I don't find anything redeeming in my artwork or poetry because then ... failure hurts less. Insults, critical comments, disagreement seems removed and is less personal. And maybe too ... if I always view things as being painted on a canvas that can simply be thrown away when I screw up (which of course I expect to) then ... I don't always make the best decisions. I don't look at the outcomes as being more important ... when sometimes they certainly are. I tend to view too many things as inevitable failure from the start or something that I can simply ball up and throw away or hide on my computer or in a notebook. I don't want the pressure nor do I have the confidence always for a -live- show. Funny how that seems to be ...
2 comments:
The most amazing thing about it is... I have read several of your poems. Some brought me to tears and you never even knew it. Your writing is one of the most amazing gifts I have ever witnessed. You have great ambition and accomplish such great things... you just don't believe it is good yourself so you discount it. BUT IT IS! Trust me! You are so amazing! I wish you could see yourself through my eyes for even just a few minutes, and see how awesome you really are!
If painting and writing is something that you enjoy and brings you happiness or relief in some way, it matters not how full your trash can gets or how much paint you use.
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