Thursday, May 31, 2007

Konnichiwa II

So I leave in a few moments to get more work done on Midori. I have been thinking a great deal about my last session with Shane and I feel like I am supposed to give him a CD with the Rescue song on it (the one that is playing here on my blog with the introduction). I don't know why exactly but I feel that I'm supposed to so I've burned a copy and I'm going to take it with me today.

I am praying that he isn't offended and that maybe sometime he'll listen to it. I think he will ... he's not easily offended but you know how the best intentions sometimes go. Anyways ... I put a number of songs on it ... so I hope it will encourage him in some way. Of course, I titled the CD - "I Dare You" ~laughing~ so I guess sublty isn't my strong suit ... but anyways ...

be praying for me today please. More pain ... and more opportunity ...

Blessings!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

My girl ...

Any one have any idea who in the world this might be?


Without giving it totally away ... I write this post with tears in my eyes. In fact ... right now I can't write it ... I'm going to have to step away from this one for a while just because I'm so overwhelmed with emotion ...


So I'll let you guys take a guess or two at who this gorgeous, talented, intelligent, God-loving young woman is ...


while I just go and thank God a few moments ...









Monday, May 28, 2007

Add another POW/MIA from the Iraq War to the previous list

SSG Matt Maupin was born on July 13, 1983 in Batavia, Ohio. He was a 3.5 grade-point-average student and football player at Glen Este High School in Union Township, Clermont County, Ohio. He graduated in 2001 and joined the U.S. Army Reserve and was assigned to the Army Reserve's 724th Transportation Company, from Bartonville, Illinois.
On April 9, 2004, Maupin's fuel convoy came under attack near the Baghdad International Airport. He was reported as disappeared (technically missing in action) along with Sgt. Elmer Krause and a small group of private military contractors from Kellogg, Brown and Root, which included hostage Thomas Hamill, who was later rescued.

On April 16, 2004, the face of Maupin was broadcast on a videotape by the Arabic-language TV network Al-Jazeera. The tape, reportedly delivered to the U.S. embassy in Doha, Qatar, raised hopes that Maupin was still alive. In the video, the soldier identified himself as "Private First Class Keith Matthew Maupin," a standard procedure followed by prisoners of war which protect their rights under the Third Geneva Convention.

On June 28, 2004, Al-Jazeera reported that Maupin was executed by a group identifying itself as the Persistent Power Against the Enemies of God and the Prophet. The method of execution in the alleged report was a gunshot to the head.

Maupin has been promoted twice since he was declared missing in action, first from Private First Class to Specialist, and then to Sergeant. As of April 6, 2005 he is the only U.S. soldier unaccounted for in Iraq.
http://www.bluestarmothers.org/documents/maupin.htm

His parent's website is: http://www.yellowribbonsupportcenter.com/index_pow.html

DO SOMETHING


Memorial Day. This Memorial Day we still have at least 2 American Soldiers who are MIA and presummed held by the enemy. There are 3,441 confirmed by the DoD (Department of Defense) Men and Women of our Armed Services in the Iraq War who have died. Around 60,000 died in the Vietnam War, over 135,000 were wounded and there are still 2,099 still unaccounted for (POW/MIA). In the Korean War, 33, 686 died in a combat related death, 92, 134 were wounded, 8,175 unaccounted for included over 4,000 MIAs, and there were 7,225 POWs. In WWII almost 400,000 died and 700,000 were wounded. In WWI over 100,000 died and over 200,000 were wounded.

We all know 591 POW/MIAs came home during Operation Homecoming, but did you know that in September 1972, the General of the N. Vietnamese Army, Gen. Quang, told the North Vietnamese Politburo that they (the North Vietnamese) were holding 1,205 Americans as POWs and only 368 had been acknowledged or were to be acknowledged to the American authorities? The document was uncovered just after Clinton's first inauguration and the first thing his administration did with the document was classify it.

Our nation can never honor enough those who have sacrified their lives for the freedoms we enjoy today. We can never thank their families enough. And we can never thank our Veterans enough for their sacrificial service to our country. As the Average American grows more and more apathetic and indifferent if not outright hostile towards those who serve our country, it's incumbent on us more than ever before to DO something to support our Men and Women of the United States Armed Forces who currently serve as well as the many Veterans who have given so much for US!

PRAY! PRAY! And then, PRAY! I beg you to pray for our marines, soldiers, sailors, and airmen! Pray for those who are returning from War that no amount of military training can prepare you for. Pray for our MIA's and POW's -- that God will supernaturally intervene. Pray for the those still on the ground, facing death with every roll of the tires on their vehicles and in every exposed contact with a national.

ADOPT A SOLDIER, MARINE, SAILOR, or AIRMAN. If you can't commit to adopting one regularly ... then I invite you to join Rich and I in supporting the 5 troops that we have adopted on behalf of our boys in Emergency Care. We send them packages and mail monthly if not more but postage is VERY expensive. We have had many items donated that we can't send yet because we just don't have the funds. The average cost of shipping one package is $25. DO something ... join together with others to donate or adopt a troop as a family project. Let me know if you need links to good places to get an assigned military member.


VISIT a VA facility with your family or alone and THANK THEM! SUPORPRT Legislation and News media outlets that are supportive of our troops and are not seeking to subvert their safety and compromise their mission. Write a letter to your representatives in Government to urge them to pass the bills that will fund our troops so that they may have the equipment and supplies they desperately need.


This year ... do more than take a few moments to consider what holiday allows us to be home from work and soaking up the sun ... barbequing with family and stuff. Really commit to doing something to support those who make our days off in leisure possible. Those who are laying their lives on the line for the defense of our country all over the world. They keep a watch so that we can close our eyes in safety and peace.

Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and curse the Marines; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

-A Few Good Men

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Dance as David Did????




This isn't a joke ... as shocking as the pictures of a Hasidic Jewish man seems in martial arts stances ... it's legit! The above pictures are of Grandmaster Yehoshua Sofer who is a world reknowned martial artist who has several world leaders' personal protection/security personnel under his instruction and guidance from the President of Moldova to the Prime-Minister of Israel. He often oversees high profile events from behind the scenes. He is a multi-disciplinarian martial artist who holds 7th degree black belts in Korean Kuk Sool Won, Hapkido (think Steven Segal here) and a 6th degree black belt in TukGong Musool (designed for elite military and intelligence agents in S. Korea). He also holds a 3rd degree black belt in Taekwondo as well as black belts in Taesoodo and Tangsoodo. In his youth he experimented with western boxing, Full Contact kickboxing, Choy Lay Fut, Tai Mantis, White Crane and Hung Gar styles of Kung Fu. Above all of these disciplines however, he is the founder of two Abir schools in Israel which are based on the principles of Israelite Warriors of Ancient times.

Abir בִּיר is a Hebrew word meaning powerful, a warlord, palace guard, protector of royalty, warrior, bodyguard, or a defender. It is derived from the three letter Hebrew root א-ב-ר, which means to soar above protectively. Biblical references for the word include the following sections of the Tanakh (an acronym that identifies the entire Hebrew -Bible- including the Torah תורה, Nevi'im נביאים, and Ketuvim כתובים) Genesis 49:24, Psalms 76:6, and Psalms 68:31.

While there aren't exact details of a martial art or system of fighting there are Biblical, Midrashic (Midrash is a Hebrew word referring to a method of exegesis of a Biblical text), and Rabbinic accounts that testify to fighting and combat styles used by the ancient Israelites as well as legendary depictions of Israelite combatants.

For example, According to Sefer haYashar (midrash) 56:9, it was no less than the request of Jacob on his deathbed to his son Judah that the Hebrew combat art be passed down to his progeny forever:
ויאמר יעקב אל יהודה: ידעתי בני כי גביר לאחיך אתה ומלך עליהם ובניך ימלכו על בניהם עד עולם.
אך למד נא את בניך קשת וכל כלי מלחמה למען ילחמו את מלחמות אחיהם המלך בכל אויביו
And Jacob spoke to Judah: 'I know, my son, that you are a master to your brothers and king over them, and your sons will reign over their sons forever. However, please teach your sons qashath [the Hebrew weaponless combat art] and every weapon of war, in order that they will fight the wars of their brother the king, against all his enemies.

It is regarding this timeless request of Jacob that King David, in the book of 2nd Samuel, was referring to in the opening line of his dirge over the deaths of King Saul and Jonatan his son:
יז וַיְקֹנֵן דָּוִד, אֶת-הַקִּינָה הַזֹּאת, עַל-שָׁאוּל, וְעַל-יְהוֹנָתָן בְּנוֹ. 17
17 And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son,
יח וַיֹּאמֶר, לְלַמֵּד בְּנֵי-יְהוּדָה קָשֶׁת, הִנֵּה כְתוּבָה, עַל-סֵפֶר הַיָּשָׁר. 18
18 and said: [It is mandatory] to teach the sons of Judah qoshath—behold, it is written in the book of Yashar

The nation had just suffered a terrible defeat at the hands of the Philistines, in which both king and crown prince had perished. The wise king knew the only answer was to train the army in the foundation of Hebrew warriorship, Qesheth--the tradition of the Avoth (forefathers).
This fighting tradition was the very distinguishing mark of a Hebrew from an Egyptian. When Yoseph, whose identity was unknown to his brothers, orders that Shim`on be incarcerated (Bareshith 42:18-24) and his guards attempt to seize him, Shim`on lets out a roar that utterly confounds and frightens them. Finally, Yoseph orders his own son Manashe to arrest Shim`on: Manashe deals him a blow that humbles Shim`on instantly. As he is being taken away before his astonished brothers, Shim`on calls out to them (Sepher HaYashar, parasha Miqetz):
איש מכם אל יאמר כי מכת מצרי הוא, אין זאת כי אם מכת בית אבי
Let none on you say that was the strike of an Egyptian; this is none other but a strike from the house of my father.

In the book of Samuel, David the son of Yishai and his men are said to have been fierce warriors able to take on hundreds of men. David's chief of the captains, Josheb-bas-sheboth killed 800 men in a battle (2 Sam. 23:8). Another commander, Abishai, killed 300 men in a fight (2 Sam. 23:18), and Jashobeam, another "mighty man" of David, killed 300 in one battle (1 Chron. 11:11).

Aluf Abir (grandmaster in Hebrew) has organized the Abir martial arts training based on bits and pieces of the art handed down through hidden, ancient Jewish communities. These techniques were used by his Israelite ancestors, to which there are direct references in the Bible, Talmud, and the Midrash, particularly Sepher HaYashar (Book of Jasher).

Abir is based on fighting techniques that he learned from his grandfather and father. The history is the idea that at one time ancient Israel had a martial art form using both hand to hand and weapons combat. As with all fighting styles, these techniques were both borrowed and learned from various cultures that the Isaelites encountered as well as creating their own using religious and cultural symbols. While all Jewish communities did not continue to train in these fighting styles, it is believed that some exotic Jewish communities in Arabia and in parts of Asia continued to maintain elements of the techniques, which for some become elements of ethnic Jewish dance.

The Twelve Tribes Principles and The Ten Emanations (These are very esoteric and intricate educational tools to understand the nature of combined movement and force in an application of the other principles directed into specific points of energy, mass or “targets” as well as the use of telepathy and hypnosis to direct or disable one's adversary)

This science as described in great depth in sources found throughout The Holy Torah are taught to “performers” of Abir, who regardless of their background in Jewish study and Torah Life, commitment/observance (or the lack of these) can begin training in this dance form that houses a deadly form…or formless system of self defense that is as effective today as it was in defeating the ancient military forces of Median, Ai, Eglon, Lah’ish, Canaanim, Khittim, Amorim, Prizim, Yebusim and Girgashim.

An Abir can be viewed as one who defends the palace that houses the Neshama (the soul), the Ruah (spirit), and the Gouf (physical body) within a circumference that is called one's Dalled (four) Amoth (designated spaces used as measurements) as commanded by G-d to defend; because inside a true Abir is housed a living Torah, for through its study the Abir seeks to internalize its wisdom, to become holy, pure, and to exemplify the very virtues that indeed describe the Abir of Israel that comprises the initials of this ancient Hebrew word (Aleph, Bet, Yod, Resh).

The Abir approach is based on a combination of the following elements.
Judaic principles found in the Torah
The
Ancient Hebrew alphabet.
Philosophical principles and movements based on symbols surrounding the 12 Tribes of Israel.
Techniques passed down by Jewish communities such as the (Habbani Jews and Daghestani Jews)
Jewish dances from various exotic or ancient communities, which anciently were a part of the ancient Abir combat system.

The Hebrew Alphabet consists of 22 consonants and five word ending letters bringing them to a total of 27 letters in all that are assigned 7 special categories.
They are;
Choking
Locking
Throwing
Take downs
Primary initiated attacks or
Secondary responsive attacks and
a natural flowing blend consisting of any two of these six categories or any one or more combined with another letter

This gives a unique and familiar way to quickly assimilate complex dynamic martial arts combat techniques using these most familiar visual memory tools that give us 189 techniques. These 189 techniques are then learnt in conjunction with an additional 176 techniques that are designed to solve the most commonly encountered types of attacks with effective counters to various applications of those same seven categories performed.

Smikha level
The Musmakh (Instructor) refines his skills by learning an additional 248 techniques corresponding to the number of organs within the human body. This gives us the total of 613 (Taryag) techniques that correspond to the 613 positive and negative precepts that Jews must observe and keep in accordance with Jewish Law as required of us by The Creator in the Torah.
Recoil Principle
It maintains that every return action of a limb returns as if propelled by the laws of gravity toward the torso with greater speed and virtually no stress in direct opposition to the same limbs stressful energy employed to launch an attack directed away from the torso. Recoil attacks are therefore the preferred choice of attack since they are stealth weapons which strike the indefensible anterior zone at the opponent’s hind or blindside while positioned directly in front of them face to face.

The Haetz-Lula’ah (Arrow-loop)
Full- circle/never-lock striking with the arms or legs This is a totally unique method of striking. Use of the arm/leg as the striking surface is not limited to a specific area of the hand/foot but actually employs any surface from the fingers/toes to the elbow/knee at any angle along its circumference.
A strike can be initiated at point zero with the fingers pressing into the opponents liver only to curl in thus striking in deeper with the back hand and pressing consistently deeper as it flows into a driving lateral elbow strike across the gallbladder and pericardium to the spleen points in one circular scooping motion. Conversely, this attack which was executed with the right arm directed right to left could have equally been initiated at point zero with the elbow at the opponent’s kidney or liver culminating with the fingers in a left to right motion. Limbs stick to the never-lock principle to avoid joint damage due to hyperextension. The Arrow when launched as a frontal attack is actually vertical or horizontal and travels in a broad or narrow circle as opposed to the classical front kick which snaps between two stopping motions and moves in a short half circle if we look at it from the side view. The classical front kick and the side kick, whether snapping or thrusting, come to two full stops along the way to their completion and endanger the knee joint by exposing it to hyperextension when the leg is locked straight at the end of its trajectory. Another danger is encountered when such techniques are aimed at higher target zones as the body is placed in a very compromising balancing act that exposes the groin to counterattack, and the lower back to severe injury when and if impact is made. When contact with its target is missed there is even more danger of tearing the muscles ligaments or tendons.

Takedown and submission hold
With The Arrow, the leg never fully extends or hyper extends since it is never theoretically straightened. From the very initiation of each wipping circular motion, The Arrow never stops. On the contrary, it continues to build momentum and speed and can strike its target with virtually any part of the leg from the knee down to the toes depending only on the distance from the opponent and whether contact is made on the more vertical, horizontal or lateral phase of its circular axis. The ball of the foot, instep, inner or outer blades of the feet, ankle, shins or knee are all satisfactory striking surfaces as are the back, sides, and bottom of the heel when striking at various angles, to the sides or to the rear. The leg need not be stretched out since care is taken not to straighten the leg and full power is only achieved when the Arrow is launched with total relaxation. In fact, the act of releasing this deadly weapon tends to relax the limbs while strengthening them and gaining flexibility and mobility of the muscles, ligaments, tendons and joints with each additional execution. Ruakh Khayuth or Life -spirit pumped into the limb directed by Rahtson (guiding will) is all that is needed to launch this deadly weapon in an instant with maximum power.

18 Khai Rikudim
These are the 18 choreographed fighting dances that tie together the 12 tribes movement and fighting attributes (12 weaponless and 6 weapons forms) necessary to master Abir's 613 techniques. These 613 can be built upon to incorporate thousands more and are a mere guide to the keys behind achieving a balanced harmonious life steeped in holiness and purity with an integrated mastery of ones spiritual and physical matter (or khomer) embodying the virtues that make up the initials of an Abir.

Pretty interesting stuff. Unfortunately not a lot has been written about this martial arts form yet and there is a good dose of skepticism outside of the Jewish community as to it's validity. Surprisingly, some of the most vocal defenders are Arabs who will honestly say that it's a legit martial arts form but they are happy that others don't wish to take it seriously because of it's serious contention as a hard core fighting style. They are happy that Jews aren't interested in learning it. It has also been defended by a number of Rabbis and those who are familiar with the Holy Texts in the native language of Hebrew which I thought was pretty cool.
From the official Abir website:

What is an ABIR®?

ABIR®: Hebrew word meaning omni-powerful, a warlord, palace guard, protector of royalty, warrior, or bodyguard, a defender of those important to the very preservation of the nation and it's subjects, for without the people of Israel, there are no others to guard and keep the laws of The Holy Torah….the very reason that The Holy One, Blessed be He, in all of His loving kindness, created this universe and all things in it.

An ABIR® can be viewed as one who defends the palace that houses the Neshama (the soul), the Ruah (spirit), and the Gouf (physical body) within a circumference that is called one's Dalled (four) Amoth (designated spaces used as measurements) as commanded by G-d to defend; because inside a true ABIR® is housed a living Torah, for through it's study the ABIR® seeks to internalize it's wisdom, to become holy, pure, and to exemplify the very virtues that indeed describe the ABIR® of Israel that comprises the initials of this ancient Hebrew word (ALEF, BETH,YOUD, RESH) אביר .

The first letter א stands for אמונה (Emunah), this means FAITH and means that the ABIR® is faithful to The Al-mighty One and is himself worthy of his fellow people's belief in him since he is truthful.


ביטחון (Bitakhon), signifies the second letter בwhich stands for Trust. Trust is also Security and the Abir® trusts in G-d above all. He is secure since he provides an atmosphere of trust and security because the ABIR® is trustworthy himself.

The letter י stands for יראה (Yirah), meaning FEAR signifying the ABIR®'S fear and reverence of G-d. An ABIR® fears nothing and nobody else …but he is feared by the wicked who have wronged or threaten the weak, elderly, helpless, righteous or otherwise innocent for the ABIR® embodies רחמנות (rahmanuth) which means compassion and mercy.

It is spelled with the ר (resh)
representing the last initial. If one seeks peace and harmony, surely the last person he/she can expect to confront in battle would be a kindred soul who is compassionate and merciful .It is for this reason that this initial so befits being last in order. There are three types of people an ABIR® has no mercy for-
they are:

murderers, swindlers, and evildoers

The ABIR® guards The King (or מלך “melekh” in Hebrew) who represents The Creator who is The King of the universe. However in modern times students of ABIR® the ancient Israelite warrior or “martial” art can also see themselves protecting the essence of their own internal being in proper safety and balance as the'' king'' in his palace (the body) since the word for king in Hebrew has three letters that signify three of the human body's most vital internal organs.

The Brain מח (moakh) מ

The Heart לב (lev) ל

The Liver כבד (kahved) ך

These three organs represent life itself within a physical body as they should appear in proper order. The brain represents authority or control by virtue of it's intellect and reason over the emotions represented by the heart and the liver which is the “motor” that generates force in the lower of the three organs that are all located in the center of one's body. The heart is just to the left and the liver is just to the right while the brain is directly in the center at the “crown“ illustrating its ideal vantage point to direct the lower two organs. This is a concept in the Torah which teaches us that a true leader must act with wisdom above emotion or force. Nowhere is this clearer than when at war. When we reverse the first two letters in the Hebrew with the heart placed above the mind, we have למך (lemekh) which means a fool .

The above example is a typical demonstration of how Jewish tradition and wisdom are intertwined with the esoteric side of ABIR® The Warrior Art. While the concept is mystical in nature, one can see purity of logic in a form of wisdom simple enough for anyone to apply in combat as well as in one's daily life. ABIR® makes continuous use of the Hebrew aleph-bet as without this, one could not receive the many beautiful lessons, concepts, laws and basic principles dressed so elegantly in the language of the ancient Israelite.
(to be continued ...)

Saturday, May 26, 2007

From Hagakure - The Book of the Samurai

Hagakure means "hidden by the leaves" or "hidden leaves". It's a collection of writings or a philosophy if you will by the Samurai Yamamoto Tsunetomo. He never saw actual warfare and after the death of his daimyō (master - a great feudal leader - leading figure of a clan - literally means "great name") he was unable to commit the ritual form of suicide following the death of one's master, called junshi, because it was outlawed by his Lord (daimyō). He then became a Buddhist monk and lived out his days writing in near seclusion.

From the Hagakure-

Every morning one should first do reverence to his master and parents and then to his patron deities and guardian Buddhas. If he will only make his master first in importance, his parents will rejoice and the gods and Buddhas will give their assent. For a warrior there is nothing other than thinking of his master. If one creates this resolution within himself, he will always be mindful of the master's person and will not depart from him even for a moment.

Moreover, a woman should consider her husband first, just as he considers his master first.

Pretty interesting in it's own right huh? Now what if we applied a little poetic license and some of that samurai determination and it read a little something like this ...

Every morning one should first do reverence to the Lord and then to others. If he will only make the Lord first in importance, others will give their assent. For a warrior there is nothing other than thinking of the Lord. If one creates this resolution within himself, he will always be mindful of the Lord's person and will not depart from Him even for a moment.

Sounds simple but the message is deep. Very deep. A disciplined life for the Warrior and a determination to always meditate on the Lord keeps us loyal and obedient.

Another --

Being a retainer is nothing other than being a supporter of one's lord, entrusting matters of good and evil to him, and renouncing self interest. If there are but two or three men of this type, the fief will be secure.

If one looks at the world when affairs are going smoothly, there are many who go about putting in their appearance, being useful by their wisdom, discriminations, and artfulness. However, if the lord should retire or go into seclusion, there are many who will quickly turn their backs on him and ingratiate themselves to the man of the day. Such a thing is unpleasant even to think about. Men of high position, low position, deep wisdom and artfulness all feel that they are the ones working righteously, but when it comes to the point of throwing away one's life for his lord, will get weak in the knees. This is rather disgraceful. The fact that a useless person often becomes a matchless warrior at such times is because he has already given up his life and has become one with his lord. ...

Loyalty is said to be important in the pledge between lord and retainer. Though it may seem unattainable, it is right before your eyes. If you once set yourself to it, you will become a superb retainer at that very moment.

Applicable to the modern Christian Warrior? I think so ...

The Way of the Warrior - Bushido

For those of you who are feeling a more Warrior bent to your lives these days ... indulge me a bit? For those who just aren't -feeling it- ... my apologies. This is just one of those posts I feel that I need to make.

As I've mentioned before ... I've studied a good deal about Warriors and Warfare in the past few years. I've studied Asian models of Warriors as well as Greek and Roman models of Warriors. I've looked closely at words such as Hero, honor, obligation, integrity, committment and such. I've looked at how those words apply to the life of a Warrior. My personal favorite IN SPITE of the strong Asian leanings is the life of the Samurai. Not all Men or Warriors of the ancient cultures are selfless ... some more determined by selfish forces than altruistic ones and certainly the Samurai are no exception. However ... I'd like to look at a few parallels if you can set aside the obvious religious or philosophical differences in motivation to see the common ground.

Bushido, literally translated "Way of the Warrior," developed in Japan between the Heian and Tokugawa Ages (9th-12th century). It was a code and way of life for Samurai, a class of warriors similar to the medieval knights of Europe. It was influenced by Zen and Confucianism, two different schools of thought of those periods. Bushido is not unlike the chivalry and codes of the European knights. "It puts emphasis on loyalty, self sacrifice, justice, sense of shame, refined manners, purity, modesty, frugality, martial spirit, honor and affection" (Nippon Steel Human Resources Development Co., Ltd. 329).

From Buddhism, Bushido gets its relationship to danger and death. The samurai do not fear death because they believe as Buddhism teaches, after death one will be reincarnated and may live another life here on earth. The samurai are warriors from the time they become samurai until their death; they have no fear of danger. Through Zen, a school of Buddhism one can reach the ultimate "Absolute." Zen meditation teaches one to focus and reach a level of thought words cannot describe. Zen teaches one to "know thyself" and do not to limit yourself. Samurai used this as a tool to drive out fear, unsteadiness and ultimately mistakes. These things could get him killed.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

For the Christian, we too have motivation that enables us to not fear death and to drive out fear, unsteadiness, and cowardly acts. We have the absolute of all absolutes ... we have an understanding of who our God is ... and of the price ALREADY paid for us by our Lord and Christ, Jesus. We have the same foundational motivations as the samurai though we derive that foundation in completely different ways religiously and philosophically.

Shintoism, another Japanese doctrine, gives Bushido its loyalty and patriotism. Shintoism includes ancestor-worship which makes the Imperial family the fountain-head of the whole nation. It awards the emperor a god-like reverence. He is the embodiment of Heaven on earth. With such loyalty, the samurai pledge themselves to the emperor and their daimyo or feudal landlords, higher ranking samurai. Shintoism also provides the backbone for patriotism to their country, Japan. They believe the land is not merely there for their needs, "it is the sacred abode to the gods, the spirits of their forefathers . . ." (Nitobe, 14). The land is cared for, protected and nurtured through an intense patriotism.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

While more asian philosophies and religious beliefs give the samurai a basis of loyalty and patriotism, we again have the ultimate source of motivation for loyalty. A loving God who has sought us, redeemed us, loves us and will spend eternity with us. A God who deals in grace and mercy is the highest motivational source of loyalty and we believe that our land isn't merely here to be robbed but that it is a part of God's creation and founded on Christian principles.

Confucianism gives Bushido its beliefs in relationships with the human world, their environment and family. Confucianism's stress on the five moral relations between master and servant, father and son, husband and wife, older and younger brother, and friend and friend, are what the samurai follow. However, the samurai disagreed strongly with many of the writings of Confucius. They believed that man should not sit and read books all day, nor shall he write poems all day, for an intellectual specialist was considered to be a machine. Instead, Bushido believes man and the universe were made to be alike in both the spirit and ethics.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

Christians also have strong mandates for the moral relationships in our lives ... including honoring our parents, obeying our parents, loving our spouses, and our relationships with our children and our friends. These are not foreign concepts within the Bible nor within the life of a believer who is dedicated to the word of God.

Along with these virtues, Bushido also holds justice, benevolence, love, sincerity, honesty, and self-control in utmost respect. Justice is one of the main factors in the code of the samurai. Crooked ways and unjust actions are thought to be lowly and inhumane. Love and benevolence were supreme virtues and princely acts. Samurai followed a specific etiquette in every day life as well as in war. Sincerity and honesty were as valued as their lives. Bushi no ichi-gon, or "the word of a samurai," transcends a pact of complete faithfulness and trust. With such pacts there was no need for a written pledge; it was thought beneath one's dignity. The samurai also needed self-control and stoicism to be fully honored. He showed no sign of pain or joy. He endured all within--no groans, no crying. He held a calmness of behavior and composure of the mind neither of which should be bothered by passion of any kind. He was a true and complete warrior.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

While I don't think this especially exemplifies the complete life of the Christian man with regards to emotions and with no mention of Faith or relationship to God ... I do think it's important and profound in defining what a Warrior should be. In times of battle a Warrior must suspend some of his emotions and he must endure what must be endured.

Interestingly, samurai were also known for their poetry and their love of the arts. I am not sure how a completely stoic man can embrace the arts with any love or passion but they were expected to. ~laughs~ There are many other facets of the samurai life that I do not subscribe to and were in deed hard to interpret even for the Samurai. The practice or relationship of shudo or bidō is of course, unacceptable to me. (Endorsed homosexuality among Warriors ... similar to the Greeks). And seppuku - ritual suicide to restore or protect one's honor as a warrior is certainly not necessary to the Christian who by grace may restore right standing with God through the blood of Jesus. Seppuku is also difficult in concept because it sometimes wars with other tennets of Bushido in terms of obligation or honoring parents. Is it more shameful to commit seppuku because of a botched decision in battle ... thereby leaving one's family without a protector and provider or is it better to live with one's shame and still provide for one's obligations?

My point in examinging this is not to give a history lesson on Japanese culture in the Samurai period but to examine concepts that make up the Warrior that we have little teaching on in our own culture. Our culture aside from military training is pretty vague about what morals or codes should guide a Warrior. We are not a Warrior society. Right? The Bible is a great basis for the codes of the Warrior without a doubt ... it'd be great if someone would write a book organizing some of those guidelines - using scripture to prescribe the Way of the Christian Warrior. I think it's difficult because we don't see NT Christianity as a warfare focused formula for life. And in some ways it's not ... still, it's helpful to look at the Warrior side of things in light of how we might gird ourselves for the fight that we will face in the Spirit.

I think that taking a look at other Warrior cultures can be a type of parable or analogy that is helpful in giving us a different perspective of the -fight- and the importance of the principles that make up the Man or Woman Warrior.

Or maybe it's just late and I'm babbling because I can't seem to communicate what I'm trying to say ... maybe I'll abandon this tommorrow ... or maybe I'll gut it out for another post or two. I dunno.

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Tats ...

As the only Shama Shama (I think this is a safe bet) to have tats ... I figured I'd share my ink ... including my gorgeous Konnichiwa (Midori) though she isn't finished yet ... I go back next Thursday to have her finished ...

Tat #1 : On my lower back ... this was the first -

The Original Picture:



The Tat:




Unfortunately with this picture you can't see the detail in the bottom flower but it's definitely a painful and memorable experience that your lower back inked! Time to complete - 2 1/2 hours

Tat #2 - left thigh -

The original picture:


The Tat:


We changed her hair color and again ... a lot of the detail is lost in shrinking the picture and with the low light in the room but she's my mermaid. Time to complete: 6 1/2 hours.



Tat #3 - right thigh -


The original picture:





The tat - in progress:



Her makeup has to be finished and there is some background color, design in her kimono and four kanji characters that will be added .. two characters for Loyalty and two characters for Sensuality ... together they carry a very deep meaning for me. I love this tat the best ... obviously it has lots of detail but it's far from finished. Time so far - 4 1/2 hours. It's maybe halfway done.

Could I? ... (and other ramblings)

Obviously the things you like reflect who you are on some level right? I was lying on the couch this morning with my feet in RJ's lap (yes yes I know, oh the life of a Princess right? ~laughing~) and I was thinking about a variety of topics from ... who the heck is Mike Huckabee to something that transpired last night at the dojo for RJ's jujitsu class. And then, out of the blue I was thinking about my favorite movies. I'll list them here ...

300 - If you haven't seen it ... you gotta see it! I didn't like the obviously computer generated effects or the strange -erotica scenes but ... with lines like this ... I can't help but love it :

Leonidas: "This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!"

Leonidas: " The world will know that freemen stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and that before this battle is done, that even a god king can bleed."

Dillios: " The enemy outnumber us a paltry 3 to 1, a match for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a world brighter than anything we can imagine, Give thanks, men, to Leonidas and the brave 300! TO VICTORY! "

Stelios: "It is an honor to die at your side."
Leonidas: "It is an honor to have lived at yours."

Queen Gorgo: "Spartan!"
King Leonidas: "Yes, my lady?"
Queen Gorgo: "Come back with your shield, or on it"

Messenger: "A thousand nations of the Persian empire descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun!"
Stelios: "Then we will fight in the shade"

Xerxes: "I will erase Sparta from the histories... The world will never even know you existed at all."
King Leonidas: "The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many."

Messenger: "Who does this woman think she is that she can speak among men?"
Queen Gorgo: "Because only Spartan women give birth to real men."

Queen Gorgo: "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrafice. The price is paid in blood."

King Leonidas: "My children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law and by Spartan law we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breaths to defend it!"


Fearless - phenominal Jet Li movie ... in my opinion one of the best martial arts movies that have ever been made

Gladiator - a must see ... I could watch it once a week or more

Hero - watch WITH the subtitles to catch it all ... It's a brain teaser of sorts but great action scenes for the genre and definitely a movie that has to be followed closely to -get- it ... again, another great martial arts movie

House of the Flying Daggers - Again, great martial arts movie with an intriquing storyline between the two main characters.

A Few Good Men - What is there to say? "You want me on that wall ... You NEED ME ON THAT WALL"! Good googly goo!

The Pianist - gut wrenching drama about a Jewish piano player during WWII ... hauntingly beautiful

Schindler's List - a must see ... WWII movie about a German who saves many Jews from the death camps

Top Gun - sue me ... it's THE BEST recruiting movie for the US NAVY ever!

Officer and a Gentleman - Just whoa! And I'm not even a Richard Gere fan! ~laughing~

The Guardian - powerful movie ... redemption of the fallen man through courage, faith, and friendship - gave me new respect for the Coasties!

The Shawshank Redemption - Tim Robbins, bless his anti-war protesting self and Morgan Freeman are really breathtaking.

Memoirs of a Geisha - my one true -chick flick- favorite - but what a beauiful movie!

Ok so ... it's a strange list perhaps and by no means is it complete. I could go on and on ... but what really go me to thinking about this is a proposition one of Sensei's instructors gave me last night. Since RJ has been going to jujitsu Brian has been teasing me about starting classes too ... and I've just been laughing and shrugging it off. I mean ... people my size ... WOMEN my size don't -do- martial arts ... right?

Yesturday in RJ's first class, while he was in the locker room changing out of his gi ... one of the real -tough- guys in his class was sitting on the mat stretching out ... He takes Tae Kwon Do, Brazillian Jujitsu and Japanese jujitsu (RJ's class). So we are sitting there in silence as I wait for RJ to get out of class ... and all of a sudden he comes out with, "So when are going to get you out here?" Of course I just laughed. I mean this guy is very serious about his martial arts and he's pretty impressive. They've all seen me a good bit as I go with RJ to class most days and watch but ... I was completely shocked when he asked me about actually -doing- it. I tried to blow it off but he looked squarely at me and said ... "you can do this -- if you want it ... many people aren't in great shape when they start ... but you CAN do this".

So then last night at RJ's second class for the day ... I'm sitting there watching a big group of very intimidating men taking their class and I look over to see this 5'2" very thick woman standing in the doorway next to Sensei ... in a white gi! I was thinking to myself ... there is NO WAY this woman is going to take this class with all of this super in shape guys. She easily weighs 170lbs. Her gi wasn't tied with her belt and I'm just watching ... when she pulls out her BLACK BELT and starts tying her gi. Turns out ... she is one of the school's instructors! ~laughing~ I'm sitting there thinking ... "No Way!"

In the middle of class as Sensei is walking through the groups of people practicing knife attack defenses, he stops beside me long enough to say ... "Makes you wanna get out here with a knife doesn't it Caroline?" I just laughed.

After class this woman black belt makes her way over to where I am again waiting for RJ to change into his street clothes ... there are a couple of men still grappling and she sits down a few chairs from me and comes out with, "So are you here considering taking a class?" Again, I just laughed and she goes, "I'm serious. You can do this you know -- if you want it." I was like ... "ummm no way, I could NEVER do that stuff." She looks at me dead serious and says ... "I'll make a deal with you ... you wear some sweats and a t'shirt and come to class and I'll work with you personally ... slowly." I was ... flabberghasted. She said, "You want to do this, you know you do. Everyone does at some point in their lives. It's one thing to watch it ... but to DO IT ... you CAN DO THIS".

So I left asking myself ... "Could I do this? ME??? I've never ever done anything so physical ... and I surely can't get out there with all those completely in shape people and even try to do this" ... but there is this soft voice inside of me going ... "but maybe ... "

So I listed the movies that I love to illustrate something ... there's a theme if you can find it ... that resides deep inside of me ... and I wonder this morning ... Could I?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Christian acceptability of mourning and other musings ...

RJ and I talked this morning about my blog entry from yesturday ... He has some really interesting things to say on the topic of mourning and it's acceptability in our -Christian- culture as well as our society in general. His synopsis was based on an article that he was reading recently about the Western uncomfortableness with mourning.

Mourn: 1. To feel or express deep regret for: mourned the wasted years.
2. To grieve over (someone who has died).
3. To utter sorrowfully.

In other cultures there are often distinctive periods ascribed to mourning and there is great respect for a family or a person mourning a great or deep loss. Expressions of sorrow don't make people in other cultures such as Asian for instance as uncomfortable as they do people in the West. Granted Asian people are rather reserved in some respects and are reknowned for their dignity and poise in the face of great hardships, however, they are in general, as a culture respectful and understanding of mourning periods. They do not expect people to quickly get over grief and they don't expect people to behave as though great loss is quickly behind them. They mourn with dignity, however they are supported in their mourning.

In Western culture ... especially American culture ... we want people to be over grief quickly. We are uncomfortable with symptoms of grief and sorrow. We dance around the pain of someone who has experienced a great loss because we are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, we often feel almost -put out- by someone's struggle with mourning. It's because we always feel that we must have SOMETHING to say, I think, that we find ourselves impatient with those who seem to be suffering and I submit that sometimes we are possibly misguided. I believe that in general we do want to make people feel better but our hurry to increase our comfort and to ease our uneasiness can often inadvertently alienate the one who is trying to make their way through a personal agony.

Most people in America report that the acceptable period for mourning or expressing sorrow over great loss or pain is over far more quickly than the person involved is relieved of their own burden to process and talk about the situation. Often we rush people ... saying to ourselves that dewelling on a mistake or a loss or sorrow is counterproductive to their lives and their need to move on. And of course, there is always that dreaded ... not knowing what to SAY that makes us accutely uncomfortable ourselves.

I think we can be especially guilty of this within the -church- as well. We as so quick to try to offer spiritual succor in the form of exhortations to move on ... to not look back ... to just give it over to Jesus and never look back ... that we unintentionally isolate and alienate someone who is deeply hurting and mourning. We inadvertently push for a Victory in the midst of a great defeat ... we are quick to pull a scripture or two that while well intentioned and TRUE ... may seem more like hollow platitutudes and can even seem condemning for the one who just can't wrap their heart and head around all of that victory in the midst of their own personal heartache. We mean so well ... we love so much ... we want to alieviate hurt and suffering ... but I think sometimes we unknowingly create a fake it 'til you make it environment for a wounded person. Again, I suspect that SOME of it isn't only that we love someone but I think we have to search our own hearts as well and make sure that some of our hurry with a hurting person isn't founded in our own discomfort with travail.

I was reading a blog that I found a link to by someone in our small blogosphere here and the person is clearly hurting. A mourning period is in effect if you will. And there were many well meaning people who shared vigorous and inspiring words of inspiration from the Bible to this man. However, it was clear from his responses that he wasn't ignorant of the scriptures and that at this time ... they weren't powerfully comforting to him inspite of the fact that he clearly WISHED that they were. He just isn't there yet. I'm not saying it's not appropriate to remind a struggling person that we are ultimately overcomers by the blood of Jesus ... not at all. What I am saying is that the man obviously knew how he SHOULD feel if he could just apply those beautiful and dynamic scriptures but he couldn't. As a result sometimes well meaning exhortations only end up providing more self condemnation and guilt because the hurting person just can't figure out WHY they can't simply drop the hurt and embrace the victory.

Finally at the end of 10's of responses ... a man (I assume it was a man) just simply said, "how I wish I could hug you" or something to that effect. He simply said he was sorry for the man's pain and that he knew that healing was a process and that he too grieved with his friend for the pain and struggle that he was enduring. Of all the things that were said ... this truly seemed to minister grace and a soothing balm to his tortured heart. It was as though he was suddenly relieved of some of the Christian guilt we -accidently- sometimes place on our own wounded.

Don't get me wrong. To everything there is a season and for every circumstance there must be an individual response. There is a time for attempting to correct. There is a time for exhorting in love. There is a time for restoration. There is a time to mourn. There is a time to cry .... AND there is a time to laugh. At time to dance and a time to be happy. (No, I refuse to launch into the whole song ~soft laugh~ though I confess it's tickling the back of my brain as I type this).

I guess sometimes I find myself guilty of uttering the same scriptures and phrases that I MEAN to be comforting without considering that sometimes ... I don't have to say a whole of anything at all. OR ... instead of being still until I really hear what it is the Lord would have me say ... sometimes it ends up being really off the wall.

I say all of this to say a few points of clarification about my own desert experience right now. I realize that my words shared here can seem to be very forlorn and lonely. Maybe even a bit defeatist. I assure you, they aren't meant to be. I am working through an enormously difficult situtation and I've struggled with making a -private- journal in which to document this ... however I think I am afraid of where I could wander to or what I could actually justify if I don't have some sort of accountability so ... I've opted to try to work out some things here. This is a work in progress and even on the days when I seem the most defeated ... I laugh ... I love ... I am grateful ... and I DO KEEP WALKING. I realize it's uncomfortable to watch someone else's pain ... but I want to tell you guys ... who I do love so very much ... please don't feel that you have to always respond or to tell me how much worth you see in me. It's not that I don't appreciate these statements ... they are beautiful and golden to me ... representing the hope that causes me to press on.

However, this isn't a quick process and I don't want you guys to feel like you have to tell me every day that I'm not a scumbag. I don't want to wear out my welcome or exhaust my family with some sort of -expectation- or -need- to be encouraged or reassured every day. I KNOW that you guys love me. How do I know? You are still here. period.

I need to press through this ... and sometimes I just need to write it ... so I don't want you to feel any sort of obligation to always have to respond with deep reassurance. My reassurance is that you are still here at all. That you haven't written me off as a great lost shama shama cause. I need to be able to vent and process here and I don't want to feel a pressure from the pit to cut that short because I am afraid that I'll be thought of as beating a dead horse. I don't want to be tortured with the guilt of feeling like the Christian failure because my struggle wasn't over yesturday. Believe me ... I want this struggle over. I laugh ... I spend amazing time with RJ and then ... in a moment alone ... in the strangest times ... I am slammed upside the head with the reminder of ... with the consequences of my sin ... and frankly it sucks. So please know ... no one wants this over faster than me. No one is more sick of it than me. Please know this.

It's not that I don't want to hear your thoughts ... the good, the bad ... the challenging ... the simple ... even if it's just a note that says ... "I'm still here" ... I covet your presence in my life right now more than you can imagine. I just don't want you to feel that you have to say something deep or reassuring every day.

I am still walking ... another 10 steps today ... another few small victories ... another day that I didn't just give up completely and stay in bed ... hiding ... ~soft smile~ so that makes today a great day ... and I am trying very hard to find the ways that I can rejoice in it ... . I am defining and mapping out a personal journey here but also, please know ... it's not my all consumption. It's not my constant focus. In fact sometimes the only times I really allow myself to dwell on it is here ... I write it and then ... shut off the puter and try to go find life ... if that makes sense.

I am so blessed ...

When Love Calls You Home
Commissioned

Waiting on the edge of your prodigle heart
Wanting for someone to save you from yourself
Out there on the edge dangling somewhere in the darkness
Doubting if anybody really cares
But then Love reached through the shadows
Whispering your name
And nothing will ever be the same again
Chorus:
For when Love calls you home
Forgiveness embraces a past you once owned
And all the mistakes that carried your name are gone
Cos that's what happens when Love calls you home
Craddled in Your mercy that has no limit
I've finally found a place where I belong
Now I can't imagine one moment without you in it
It's hard to believe I tried to make it on my own
But You picked me up from the ruins of my broken life
And when every chance was spent
You gave me one more try
Chorus

The Ugly Truth

I read ... I cry ... I cringe ... I cry ... I strain to hear the music ... I long to Dance (my sweet friend, Reed) ... but inside ... all I hear is the cacophony of my sin and regret and hurt slamming in my ears ... not that I can actually dance mind you, but I am not sure dancing is possible from the music inside of me right now.

I feel like the waves keep washing over my head ... like the shimmering hope in my desert is only a mirage ... ten steps closer today but the hope still seems just as far away. I long for an absolution that doesn't come. I am torn inside by a shame that is unrelenting ... it's kept me quiet ... reclusive ... ashamed ... hidden for so long. And I still don't understand it.

I read the blogs of others going through times of great confusion ... I see the struggles ... I feel them ... I hear the hurting cries ... deep inside of me ... I so understand ... and yet ... I often feel entirely alone which is utterly unfair because the Lord has been so faithful when I have been woefully unfaithful. He has surrounded me with such a host ... the most beautiful ... forgiving ... loving ... faithful friends ... and most of the time I think to myself ... if they only REALLY knew me ... if they only REALLY knew what I have done ... they would understand why there isn't music ... why there isn't Dance ... why there is only desert ...

I just sat and talked to RJ about this blog post ... about what I want to say ... and even know the fear stings my fingers and I can't seem to make myself even type the words ... I can't seem to MAKE myself explain ... confess ... offer you PROOF that I'm not deserving of ya'll's kindness and support ... I am afraid. I am afraid that those of you how know me know such much about my past sins that adding to the list is even more than you could bear ... and the fear keeps me in my desert while everyone else sails on their oceans ... that's the biggest thing you know ... the fear of not being loved.

I guess this started with my Mother's Day post ... the inevitible tripping along until I just fall flat on my face and come out with it. I see so much ALLUSION in the blogs of those we are connected with ... I see so much that can be inferred ... I see so much that is left unsaid ... for people to only wonder the worst ... but in my case ... that feels so false to me. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or maybe some brilliant psychiatrist would say that this confession I'm trying so hard to make is just another way of punishing myself and pushing people away ... so fearful am I of not being loved or of being abandoned by those I love.

I am neither brilliant or a psychiatrist. Mostly I am a wimp. Mostly I am a fraud. It just feels so wrong to read your encouragement to me when YOU don't have any idea what I am struggling with. I long to be able to sit in a room with all of you at once and to be able to pour out my guts to you. Then I would not have to have this additional struggle of a very public confession or the continued agony of feeling like I can't truly take your words to heart. God what a crappy place between the rock and the wall ...

I want to take on your loving kindness ... I want to embrace your exhortations ... I want to BELIEVE the good ... I want to taste it ... savor it like cold watermelon on a hot day ... I want to drink it into my soul ... I want to own it ... all of the beauty that ya'll offer me ... but I can't ... I just can't. I read ... and I cry ... I wrestle ... and I mourn ... and I can not find peace. I read my Bible ... I can -talk- about Biblical things with others ... I can give opinions or even some convictions ... but without telling the -whole- story ... I feel that I can't really tell you where I've been and without you knowing where I've been I feel that I can't really accept everything that you guys so richly and generously offer me.

I choose the music of courage and warfare for my website. I understand the concept of Warrior in crazy ways from reading so many martial arts texts ... and yet ... I find myself a coward among Lions ... and I don't even know how to overcome it ... I don't know how to make myself -do- whatever it is that I must do for me to be able to walk in the freedom I so envy in everyone around me.

I look at everyone else and they -look- so unencumbered and I feel that I am walking around dragging the anchor of hell with every step. Grotesque I know ... but I've run out of pretty ways to explain it ... pretty pictures that go easy on the eye ... and don't offend anyone's delicate sensibilites. And inside my heart wars with the forbidden and there is no one I can even tell ... it's not proper you know ... struggle ... victory is proper ... but struggle ... why that's just not Christian is it? We are supposed to be over it ... it's supposed to be done ... left behind ... no turning back ... no sneak peeks over the shoulder ... I am a ruined pillar of salt. I don't mean to seem bitter ... I am angry at me ... THIS is me. THIS is my fault. It's just so hard to keep trudging on ... picking myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and cowboying up ... when inside ... I equally mourn and cower in shame and regret. And everything that I read ... everywhere in our small corner of blogland is all about victory.

Tonight ... I long for a victory that I haven't yet worked hard enough for ... I haven't yet passed the time to experience ... I haven't served my discipline ... my consequences. I WISH I were in a church that I could go to and confess to and be given SOMETHING ... ANYTHING that I could put my hand to for a tangible act of repentence and contrition but that's just not the way it is. So instead ... I grapple ... and I wrestle ... and I cry ... alot. And every day I drag myself out of the hole of my shame ... and I force myself to answer the phone when Helen or Johnny calls ... and I force myself to read your blogs ... and I force myself to write something ... even if it's mostly just pathetic babbling and sounds far more woe is me than I feel. I imagine that brilliant but elusive psychiatrist would probably say that shame and self pity may be close familial connections ... but I can tell you ... for me ... right now ... it's not self pity ... it's self loathing that smacks me clean in the face when I manage to force myself to look in the mirror. I don't feel sorry for me ... I feel disgusted with me ... I feel shamed ... and I feel regret ...

I wish ... oh God I wish ... I could take it all back ... and then there is the true glaring question ... do I wish I could take it all back because of how it hurts God to sin against Him ... or just because it hurts me so badly right now ... serving the consequences of my sin?

And I remain ... too much of a coward to confess ... did I mention trainwreck lately?

nakedness
I am a newborn in Your eyes
as naked as creation day
and all I can feel is the coldness
of unrelenting winter in the spring of my birth


Catching her
And He was catching her as she was falling,
tumbling again from the dizzy heights
of lofty dreams and haunted nightmares
having bought more delusions,
than her frail arms could carry
daring to defy,
she had peered over the edge once more.
laden as she was with her pricey bouquet of seductive whispers
the gravity of reality, a sucking siren's call
pulling her over into helpless plummet,
the flowers of her self deception showering into emptiness,
she crashes anew into the safety of His actuality.
her own untrustworthy emotions still
wet in her eyes.


spring
the sun came up this morning
pulling itself up with agonizing slowness
spilling over the steep horizon with brilliant fanfare
to chase away my insinuating companion
shrouded in his mystery
even as he was whispering fears
to chill my heart
bring tears to my eyes.
the dawn burst forth illuminating
tiny shoots of green

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Another few steps in the desert ...

~smiles softly~ I'm still here ... sloughing my way along ... one foot in front of the other. Straining with all of my might to keep my eyes forward ... to keep lifting one foot and placing it ahead ... and then the other.

Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Reading so many people's thoughts causes many of my own to rush up and assail me ... the good ... the beautiful ... the bad ... the confusing ... the overwhelming. I am not sure any more if it's best not to speak or to go ahead and share from this broken place. What do I really have to say anyway? I wonder. I lack perspective right now ... in what I should and shouldn't say. Of course there is no derth of things that I CAN say ... but it's the should and shouldn't that have me tripping over my own feet. ~gentle laugh~ Not a very pretty picture is it? For that I am sorry.

It's rather like a trainwreck isn't it ... all the twisted metal and damage ... but you just can't keep yourself from looking anyways. I just keep telling myself ... even this Lord, You will use one day ... one day even this struggle will somehow be turned to glorify You. And I do believe that ... I'm just ready for the someday to be NOW. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way ... you know?

My heart is heavy for a number of reasons ... though I still see the sun shinning and I do feel the warmth on my face. I am thankful.

I have started the first steps in researching for my biological parents. In and of itself a daunting prospect. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. I think it seems like the right thing to do right now and so I am slowly going to move forward with that.

The missing soldiers in Iraq have been weighing heavy on my heart. I have a POW flag that is on the way right beside my computer here at home. It's been there for almost three years. "You are not forgotten." It gets so easy to forget. I pray that I won't ... I know that those who hold our Men aren't those who believe in mercy or in adherence to the conventions of POW's that we are supposed to embrace. I pray that God will strengthen them and that our nation won't forget them in this time that I can't even begin to imagine -- being at the hands of those who believe in such a gruesome treatment of the "enemy".

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Somewhere Out There ...

I have a biological mother who I have never seen nor spoken to that I can recall. I was adopted when I was 7 weeks old, I have no idea how much time I spent with my biological mother ... I'm told, it's likely she never saw me after she gave birth to me.

I have very very mixed feelings about this Mother's Day ... not helped at all by the fact that RJ is still up in Michigan and I really need him here with me. He will be home tommorrow.

Mother's Day ... I spent this week with two phenominal moms. My adopted mother who has been the only Mama I have ever known ... and Helen. It was great to get to spend time with my Mama ... we talked briefly about my adoption but nothing that hasn't been said before ... just remembering how chaotic it was to get a name, put together a nursery and buy clothes for a little girl in one week. ~soft laugh~ That's all the notice they got that they were going to get me. Talk about your instant families huh? Anyway ... it was fantastic to spend time with my Mama and get to talk and talk to her ... do some shopping ... more talking ... more shopping ... you know the drill. I then went to J & H's for Saturday and Sunday morning and then stopped back by my Mama and Daddy's to pick up a few things before heading on home to Thomasville.

It was hard to leave them ... both J & H and my Mama and Daddy. I have this acute need for family right now ... and spending the next 24 hours alone really seems like a nightmare eternity for me. So ... I was driving home and thinking about mother's day. RJ and I don't have any kids ... and I don't have any biological relatives that I know of anywhere in the world. Now, on the one hand that doesn't sound so bad ... until you really start to think about it. Yes, I've had parents that have loved me faithfully and without reservation my entire life ... but consider this ... for all you guys who have children and biological families ... consider just for a moment ... what it might feel like to have NO biological connection with ANYONE in the world. No parents and siblings to look at to see your own features or genetic traits. No children to see your own faces in ... or your own habits in. No one in the world connected to you in any way by blood.

I used to sort of have this common reality with my brother until he got married and had two little girls ... he now has a blood connection. Sometimes I want to ask him so badly ... "what does it feel like to have a blood connection with someone?" ... For someone who has never had that ... it's almost taken on mystical proportions in my own thinking ... I just want to ask someone sometimes who understands ... though my brother probably wouldn't understand. He's a guy and he's never been as outwardly vocal about being adopted anyway.

So it's Mother's Day ... and every one of my friends have turned out to be the most wonderful parents ... and I'm not a parent. My arms ache to hold a baby that came from me ... to know that bond ... to taste it for the first time in my entire life ... but there is no baby. I ache to share that miracle with my husband ... to get a mother's day flower or a goofy hand drawn card from my child ... but there is no child. After almost ten years of marriage ... no children ... no blood connection ... ~sighs~

I don't ever say it ... how I feel ... about being childless and biologically unconnected ... not really how I feel. Not about how lost I still feel at my age ... not about how I ache from an abandonment I've never understood. Not how I feel like I'll never be loved enough. Not about how I am sure anyone who does say they love me will certainly leave me ... or that God will take them away. Not about my failure to even give my husband a child. Not really ... sometimes there just aren't any words.

Don't get me wrong. I believe God gave me the best parents I could have ever hoped for. I believe He designed my family in a unique and purposeful way. I had a great childhood and I am very very thankful. But just because I am thankful ... and just because I believe God gave me my family in a special way ... does not erase the REST of how I feel.

I think I realized driving home today ... that I feel like a failure. And I think I always have ... maybe that's why I try so hard ... and then fail so miserably. Why else would I be so alone (biologically) in the world? It's not really what I think consciously most of the time ... but unconsciously ... maybe that IS how I feel sometimes. I realized today that I'm always waiting for the rejection ... kind of with my shoulders hunched to absorb the blow of rejection that I know will come. I think I'm not worthy of love or worth loving. And if the rejection doesn't come ... sometimes I still get so afraid of it ... that I just run away so that it doesn't get me first ... so if I control the loss ... it might be somehow less painful to me. But I'm always sure it's coming. It's really humiliating to say that ... even just type it. Rather pathetic really but today is a brutal day anyways so maybe if I'm honest about it ... something will break. And maybe ... I dunno ...

The craziest part? God has given me the most amazing husband who has never, ever, ever rejected me ... and yet ... I still wake up so many times and think ... maybe it will happen today.

Prolly I'll be deleting this pretty quickly ... I dunno ... it was probably way too much for a blog ...

Friday, May 11, 2007

A few words to my fellow Warriors ...

Hoddie, if ever there was a gift in my life that I didn't deserve ... besides RJ ... it's you. You have the spirit of a LION and I can never EVER EVER thank You enough for everything that you've given to me. You have a tenacity that calls to my own spirit and makes it impossible to forget who I'm meant to be ... I love you for not flinching ... for not falling back ... for never EVER failing to jump into the fray with me. You are the Jesus with skin to me that will NOT let me quit even when everything in me screams to give up. I could not possibly love you more!

J., You and Cubbie have always been the Warriors of my own heart in so many ways. I thank God for you my Mighty in Battle Brother. You have no idea what the love and support of your family has meant to me and You have no idea what YOUR own never say die spirit has inspired in my own. When I pray for you these days ... I have this very vivid image of you in full battle armour ... sweating ... dirty ... a bit breathless ... but ever on point ... your sword in hand ... ready ... . I remember one time you telling me that you will do whatever you have to do to protect your family and that I was included in that family ... and I feel the prayers of your Warrior spirit and I know that you've come to feel again that fire and passion and steel determination that is YOU. I am proud of you my precious friend and Brother. I respect you ... more than you know.

Cubbie ... lately you've been drilling me so hard I've been dumb and speechless. I can't express to you how profoundly God is using you in my life ... how much you are His mouthpiece to me as I struggle through some of the hardest stuff in my life. Stuff you and I haven't talked about ... I know you have no idea ... which tells me more than anything that Holy Spirit is using you in a mighty way. J and I laughed about it today ... how on point you've been. I didn't realize until recently how much I have needed you in my life still Cubbie and how thankful I am that God is so faithful to bring us to the place we need to be in ... whenever we are ready to hear Him. I hear Him in you ... and I love you both for the speaking!

Reed ... like water to a thirsty soul ... you have NO idea how your words have given me life lately. The first time you posted to my blog I had been looking for you on the net ... I was unable to find you but ... funny ... Daddy God had other plans. How I long to sit across from you with a cup of coffee or a mountain dew and some sunflower seeds and just pour my heart out ... because you ... how do I explain ... ? It feels like Daddy God is speaking to me himself with loving mercy and grace when I read your words. I can't explain it but everytime I read a post from you ... to anyone ... my eyes fill with tears and I can't seem to contain them. I still need you in my life ... probably more than I needed all those challenging intellectual debates of the past ... . You have a profound gentleness and wisdom in your words my friend ... I beg you to never forget that balm that a few words from you might be to a thirsty, hurting soul.

Rodney ... isn't it funny that sometimes God's gifts come to us in the most unusual ways. I feel like God has given me a new gift ... in your words to me. You have been more encouraging and comforting to me in a very difficult time than you can begin to imagine. YOU remind me that God still loves me enough to bring not only old friends into my path but to also give new voices to challenge and lovingly guide me along. I can never thank you properly ... but please know that your words are like gold to me ... precious and treasured.

Jan and Greg ... You remind me daily of the love and mercy and grace of God. I can't tell you how good it has been to see the pictures of your family and read about how your life is. It blesses me ... it makes me grateful ... that you still love me ... thank you.

I am humbled ... and thankful tonight ...

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

A rainy day at the beach ...

is better than ANY day at work, according to my brother Paul. ~laughs~

We've had some rain and some sun on day one here at Atlantic Beach so I guess I really can't complain! It's a glorious late afternoon outside right now and I'm just chillin with my Daddy and Mama. I just got finished showing Mama every's blogs and she loved getting to see the pictures of everyone.

Daddy is getting more and more quiet with each time that I see him. He seems to be in good spirits but is so confused alot of the time ... that really stinks. I wish there were something that I could do for him but right now ... all I can do is love on him and shed my tears in private. It's so insane ... watching someone just slip away.

I haven't had a chance to really gather my thoughts together for any real meaningful post ... yeah yeah ... I know ... what a shocker. BUT I have to say that Cubby's series on Egypt has had my in tears so badly that I've yet to finish a post. Every sentence is like a sledge hammer to me ... and I know that I have to sit down and face it ... and really examine what the Lord is showing to me ... but have you ever just had those times when things hurt so bad when you look them full in the face that you'd RATHER see through a glass darkly? If so ... welcome to my world!

I love you guys ... I love the presence of you in my life ... even know after all this time ... I realize ... there is no time or distance in the true meaning of the word friend ... and FAMILY.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Konnichiwa

As I sit here with blood and plasma trickling down my leg, I have to confess that I am not quite sure why I thought I needed another tattoo. She's halfway finished but it's such an intricate piece Shane couldn't do it all in one day so now I have to wait three weeks before I can go back and go through this ALL over again. I really wanted to get it done in one sitting but it just wasn't in the cards for last night. When it gets totally completed I'll post a pic up here of her and freak everyone out! ~laughing~

It was interesting being in Shane's shop with him yesturday. He's a very interesting guy ... and has always been great to RJ and I but you get the feeling he is sort of dangerous too. Anyways ... as we talked last night before and while he was working I learned so much about him. He told me about his relationship with the Lord and why he only let's religion touch him but so much. He had a very difficult childhood with an extreme amount of abuse from his mother. She married a man that ended up saving Shane from so much stuff and even starting going to church with Shane. Six months after they starting going to church, he was killed in a trucking accident. Shane was only 11 years old but it was the only joy and hope he had had and he hasn't ever been able to understand how God could take away his stepfather when Shane needed him so badly ... and leave Shane, a little boy, defenseless and alone.

As he told me the story I just starting crying. It was such a stark reminder sometimes of how hard it is to understand when we see young kids go through so much stuff. There aren't always easy answers to "defend" God in situations like that. Sure when you aren't faced with a person in pain, asking the question ... we can spout off all sorts of apologetics or philosophy or doctrine but in the face of a hurting person who is now an angry, hurting adult ... those flip explanations sort of ring hollow to me. Jesus was such a simple man in all of his complexity. Last night ... I didn't know what Jesus would do if He had been there sitting visibly in the chair beside me. I just didn't know. So I did the only thing I could think of to do and that was listen ... and cry some ... and tell him that I was so sorry that he had had such a difficult life but in spite of that, I saw some really fantastic things in him.

I didn't give him the big "come to Jesus" spiel ... I didn't press for some "decision" ... Shane told me that he prays every single night but that he doesn't want a shove it down your throat religion ... I just tried to be a friend. As I lay on the table getting my tattoo another friend of his came in who is a Christian as well ... and they talked about a number of their friends who are ... and I realized that God has him surrounded so to speak. He is knocking on his door. I just can't help but wonder if I squandered the opportunity yesturday to impart something significant ... I just for the life of me couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't seem so flip after hearing his story.

Anyways ... everytime he changed gloves and started working on my girl he'd say "Konnichiwa" and we'd all crack up. In my defense I was delirious from the pain ... and all I can think this morning as I look down at the seran wrap covered ooze is ... Konnichiwa which means good day in Japanese. I hope your day is blessed beyond measure!