It's Sunday ...

No fancy titles tonight nor any really catchy themes unfortunately! ~laughs~ It's been a while since I've posted though so I feel obligated to -pony up- something lest I begin to worry everyone.

So it's been crazy lately and I feel drained ... lots going on here with our kids at work ... with work itself ... with our friends ... and with me. I haven't been sleeping much and that stinks but it'll work itself out I am sure.

We went to church this morning and it was definitely the highlight of my week ... well that and last Wednesday night at church. You know ... it's been so long ... so incredibly long since -church- was home. We went YEARS with no church and trying to find out way through just the encouragement of friends and our praise CD's and what we -knew- to do. I am convinced the greatest point of suffering for us in the last ten years has been the lack of a good church home.

Granted ... we didn't have a great many choices in Havelock and the area after the -big burn- with FCF and the ensuing fallout ... but since then ... it's just been a long long valley that eventually gave way to a desert that was completely overwhelming. We didn't even really bother to try to find a church here when we moved ... just like we gave up on church in Havelock. We can only attend every other week so that's a daunting point in terms of trying to get committed and build relationships ... BUT ... we are finally home!

I love ... LOVE LOVE LOVE our church! I love the people ... I love the variety ... I love the music ... I love the ministerial staff ... I love the Word that is brought forth and expounded on ... I love Paster Whit ... I love that HE is finally someone that I think that I can -trust- from the pulpit again. We haven't had the opportunity or FOUND the opportunity in years to find a church that truly encourages and feeds us as well as clicks with our own convictions. Christian City Church of Greensboro is finally that place we believe. For years I've walked into church with more armour on mentaly, spiritually, and emotionally than anyone ought to have to. I have analyzed every jot and tittle ... every time of ministry ... every word spoken in the pulpit ... EVERYTHING to the point that it was an exercise in misery ... not a time of spiritual renewal.

Pastor Whit got the same level of skepticism and guardedness that I've given every other Pastor that I've encountered for the last 10 or more years. I basically walked in and said to myself but to him - "I dare you to prove that you can be trusted". I tore apart everything that took place in corporate ministry. I riffled through the webpages ... I looked ... I searched ... I WAITED for the shoe to drop. I don't mean that I've looked for problems with other people or whether or not there are ever difficulties but I mean ... I have examined the voice of the Man ... because I don't think I can stand to be burned like we were before.

Every test ... every question ... every point that means EVERYTHING to me ... God has answered at CCC. Paster Whit touched on church authority and trust on Wednesday night ... I bawled my head off. He spoke about trust being essential in allowing a Paster to lead the congregation. He spoke about needing to believe in the vision that God gives him as the leader of the chruch and the elders in confirmation of that vision. Normally this whole topic would have sent me to through the door without even bothering to hear the rest. I have been unable to trust ... utterly. HOWEVER ... He also spoke about the importance of ceasing that trust when there is a check in your spirit or there is a violation of your conscience taking place. This was freedom on a platter for me! I NEEDED to hear this from the Paster so badly. He stressed that it's important not to let our belief that we know what is best for the running of the church become a point of contention when it didn't match what he felt was the leading of the Lord for our church -- (hello John & Helen!) but he also pointed out that you can not blindly obey a man when there is a violation of true conscience or a serious check in your spirit.

Today he spoke about taking our cares to the Lord. This is a theme that he has been expounding on for several weeks. He was speaking of about Hannah and Eli in the temple and how Hannah took her cares to God ... NOT to the Priest necessarily. She let the Priest know that she was troubled but she WENT to the ALTER to take her burden to the Lord ... she knew that her problem was a God sized problem ... not a Man sized problem. He made the point that so many times we don't take God sized problems to God ... we mope around ... hoping someone at church will notice and that we can be ministered to. Or that we fall into being disgruntled and complaining and always seeking -counsel- but really seeking attention. He pointed out that many times we need to simply take things before the LORD ... and that it's great when a Pastor or minister knows that we are struggling to support us in prayer but that EVERYTHING doesn't need to be known in detail by the Ministry team. THIS was important to me because it shows me that he trusts GOD to be in control ... that he doesn't feel that he must be.

The church is very large ... which at first bothered me. There are about 700 people there on Sundays ... sometimes as many as 1,000. I felt that it would be so hard for us to get involved because of our schedule and it's so easy to be lost in a large crowd. Not so. We spoke to Paster Whit after service Wednesday night ... and this morning he remembered EXACTLY what we had told him and was surprised that we were there. He thought we were working this weekend. May not seem like much ... but it impressed me.

The church is great ... we leave encouraged ... challenged ... and ready to face our Giants. The messages are relevant and that push us ... while being comforting and inspirational at the same time. We've heard several people in leadership speak and that too has been great. Each person has brought solid word and insight. The worship is amazing ... it's ... Home. I am thankful.

As for the rest of my wrestlings this week ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... or maybe I'll just keep taking them to the alter and watch the Lord work as my faith grows.

Speaking of Faith ... Paster Whit touched on that this morning too ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... it was good stuff.

Anyways ... I love you guys. I'm still here ... we are still fighting ... but we know we aren't alone!

Bringing a weekend Warrior to a professional Fight ...

It's been a tough few weeks ... tougher than most ... when I haven't really understood the reason why. Things have been screwy in ways that make no sense and have left me questioning every emotion I feel and every -interpretation- of other's words that I perceive. Any break down in communication that could go wrong, has gone wrong. It's divide and conquer at it's simpliest ... yet most effective. I finally talked to Hoddie yesturday and the pieces just started falling together as we spoke. After we got off the phone, I heard God say ... this Caroline, is what happens when you bring a weekend Warrior to a professional fight. Can I say - ugh ... it was a kick in the gut. One that I sorely needed.

I was reminded of the movie 300 ... it's out on video now if you didn't have a chance to see it in the theaters. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie when the 300 Spartans are leaving out with Leonidas towards the Gates of Thermopalye ... and they meet up with their fellow countrymen, the Arkadians. Their leader complains forcefully that Leonidas only brought 300 men and that the Spartan contribution was not nearly as great as their own. Leonidas responds to the accusations:

Spartan King Leonidas: You there! What is your profession? [points to Arkadian soldier behind Daxos]
Arkadian soldier #1: A potter, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: Hm... and you, Arkadian - what is your profession? [points to another soldier]
Arkadian soldier #2: I'm a blacksmith, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: [turns to his soldiers] Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: Harooh! Harooh! Harooh! [simultaneous, followed and preceded by immediate silence]
Spartan King Leonidas: [turning to Daxos] You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.

Spartans were born for battle, bred for battle, and trained for battle every day of their lives. They were soliders first and all else a distant second. Battle was in their soul ... they were fearless, merciless, and unflinching in the face of the enemy.

I have been an Arkadian in a Spartan needed battle. We are in our own -Hot Gates- right now and I've been a mild mannered CCW by day and a sometimes reckless solider at night. THIS battles calls for the Spartan in me ... and I have responded with an out of shape, poorly equipped Arkadian. There is no excuse. There is no pacifying answer.

For such a time as this ... it is time to lay down the toys ... and take up the seriousness of the call ,.. on this earth AND in the heavenlies! I know that it's time to echo the words and sentiment of Leonidas in this battle - "This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. This is where they die. ... Give them nothing! But take from them everything!" And the words of Queen Gorgo - "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrifice. The price is paid in blood."

It's true, our blood price has been paid ... but that does not mean that there is no demand upon us to fight for the freedom to claim the victory Jesus won. We have battles to wage in the heavenlies for the souls of those who would know HIM and be HIS ... these battles aren't over in an hour and they aren't always pretty. That which is free for the taking from our Savoir cost Him everything ... how can I be willing to pay less of a price.

We sit and speak of spiritual things ... so casually ... so cavalierly as though it's just some simple little moment or two of prayer. The attack is real. The battle is real. And my own casual non-challance has brought me to my knees rather than on my feet ... sword and shield at the ready. My talk is the cheapest of rags this day ... it's training day ... today ... and every day. Though they make their bed in hell ... we will go after them ... praying for them ... reaching to them ... interceeding on their behalf ... standing in the gap ... head bloodied but un bowed ....

It's time to live the words ...

Take my quiz!

~laughing~ too funny! I found this goofy quiz thing and made one since I can't sleep for some reason ... thanks Jan for hitting it up! It just was one of those silly things I had so much fun doing ... anyone else up for creating one? I am down for getting quizzed on you guys! Pulllllleasssssssseeeeeeeeeee???? (NO I am not getting paid to solict traffic ~snickers~) I just thought it was fun and I REALLY needed a laugh today!

Ever just felt tired and frustrated?

~laughs~ Nawwww ... not you guys! ~sighs~ I am so tired right now ... my house is a wreck and I feel like all I do is clean up after cats. For someone who is NOT a reknowned housekeeper it stinks to begin with ... but to feel like you are cleaning up constantly after ANIMALS is another. Don't get me wrong ... I love my babies but ... holy enchilada batman ... they make such a mess. I'm not talking about the hair ... I'm talking about the fact that since we only LIVE in this house half the month ... it's THEIR house! Which means when we are gone ... they have full run of the joint ... and the STRANGEST things are treasures to a cat. I have walked around my house tonight picking up hair bows, Christmas bows (BIG FAVORITE), milk tops, bottle caps, assorted pieces of fluff, 47 hundred pre-made cat toys, cellophane wraps, bits of toilet paper and paper towels (yes they shredded an ENTIRE roll this week but that's usual), match sticks, ... pretty much every stupid thing under the sun and THEY have the audacity to sit and watch me and look offended that I am fooling with their supreme organizational masterpiece.

We have Nick in the guest room so there is stuff in boxes lining the hall of my already small house ... we pack and unpack every week so that's a chore in and of itself ... there are laundry baskets everywhere ... there were dirty dishes to tackle from when we left last week ... those STUPID 12 can boxes that soda come in to crush, a million and one pieces of junk mail to wade through after I JUST did that ... floors (only one room in our house is carpeted, all the rest are hardwood floors) to be cleaned that I haven't gotten to yet, a kitchen floor that NEVER looks clean because of course, it's the site of the daily, nay hourly cat fest complete with halftime food soccer and goalie action for entertainment, the fridge needs cleaning out ... AGAIN because of course I bought food we didn't eat and it's gone bad, cabinets to try to fit MORE food into and new drinking glasses with almost NO space ... books to put away with maxed out bookshelves ... strange fluids to clean up on the floors because cats throw up and they like to share that with as many rooms as possible (WHILE doing it ... so that everyone else can see the spectacularness of their show), a leaking toilet that I have to get fixed, NO room in the bathroom and about a jillion things to put away ... and ... I'm overwhelmed.

Add to that ... a new crack in our brand new car's windshield to get replaced, a great deal of personal crises and frustrations with our friends here ... trying to get to see my Mom and Dad sometime in the next century and already overwhelming fall plans ...

I would love to cry but there are no tears. I have been on two -emergency- errands this week to help out friends that live like ... 40 mins away ... and that has been taxing as well as just watching people we love struggle. I feel like Satan is just standing over the pot of our lives and stirring it with his little finger and laughing. Now I know that may sound silly ... it's just this feeling that I have. Nick, Rich and I fasted this weekend and it's like ... voila ... hell hath come for a visit!

I know that all this seems silly and trivial and I sound like a superficial blowhard ... I'm just venting ... I love my babies ... I love my friends ... I am happier than I have been in a while on one hand ... but on the other ... I feel like our lives are just being ... whipped into a frenzy because of our recent stands on spiritual things and frankly ... I'm losing my wind ... AND it's just too early in the -game- for me to be winded. I can think of a thousand things I am doing wrong or not doing enough of ... but in the end ... right now I'm just tired ...

love you guys!