Got some extra prayers???

Hey ya'll. I'm unsure where to put this ... on my blog or here ... but I guess I'll put it in both places to cover it all and so my request can be seen by my amazing friends!

Some of ya'll know that I've had uveitis for the past four years or so ... which requires me to get steriod injections into my eyeballs to keep it from causing permanent blindness. Last Monday (a week and change ago) I had to go in to get another shot ... my right eye is almost completely clouded over with cells and my vision in both eyes is suffering tremendously. I was informed at that appointment that they could no longer give me the steriod injections ... there is ongoing permanent damange occuring in my eyes and they strongly insisted on a more agressive treatment. Previously the doctors had hoped that they uveitis which is an auto-immune deficiency disease, would simply burn itself out as it sometimes does. It hasen't.

Starting 10 days ago, I have embarked on an aggressive and potentially highly risky treatment schedule that involves a projected two year cycle of chemotherapy and immunosuppressants. Additionally I am on an aggressive course of steriods to attempt to deal with the current flare in my right eye that prevents it from dialating at this point. The goal is to take my immune system down to zero ... as one of my kids said ... "Oh you are going to have medically induced AIDS" ... and in a sense he is correct.

The course of treatment ...the timeline and potential side effects is daunting at best ... horrific at worst ... in my mind if not in my body yet. I have many fears and whys swirling inside me concerning this ... some dreams I think I'm going to have to let go of ... and alot to come to grips with in the course of feeling so incredibly vulnerable. I covet your prayers guys ... more than I can say.

I am struggling with this aweful sense of failure and I find that I'm having a hard time sharing this news with anyone ... I am humiliated and I can't really explain why. I guess a part of me feels like ... it's always me ... needing something ... screwing something up ... failing. Just before I went to the doctor this time I REALLY thought God had healed my eyes ... so ... it's an especially tough blow to find that it wasn't so ... yet. I felt more sure that I ever have in my life about physical healing ... so ... I just don't fully -get- it.

My church has been AMAZING! They have been positive ... supportive ... encouraging ... unflinching! We have to miss church half the month while we are at work but managed to get there last Wednesday night ... I needed that so badly ... God is so very good ... even when we don't understand.

Anyways ... that's where I'm at ya'll ... and again ... here I am ... humbled ...

I love ya'll!