Taking each other for granted ...

Last night RJ and I tackled another section of our devotion book ... it was intense ... but beautiful and essential at the same time. After the short reading there are questions to discuss with each other ... here are last night's questions:

What specifically does having a "happy marriage" mean to you?

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What can I do to bring happiness to your life?

It's easy to give a trite little pat answer to these questions and smile and go on your way. It's harder after almost 10 years of marriage to honestly sit down and answer those questions from the heart. RJ and I answered from the heart last night. We talked a great deal about taking each other for granted simply because we are together almost all the time. We work together every day and we are off together (well, ok it's been a while since we've been off) ... and yet ... we realize that we have grown complacent in so many ways and with that comes selfishness.

One of the key things that we recognized in ourselves was a selfishness and indifference or a taking for granted our relationship with each other and thereby not putting in the effort we once did in serving and appreciating each other. Patience is in much shorter supply. And even sometimes there have been resentments that crop up over each of our selfish decisions.

This is not to say that we have a marriage that is full of strife or arguing. To the contrary ... RJ and I never have huge fights and we don't go to bed "angry" at each other. Still ... there is a real lacking in our zeal and appreciation and love for each other that we both miss and want to rediscover in our relationship. We don't sacrifice for each other the way we once did and we both realized that last night. It wasn't an easy conversation because the Lord really revealed to us some shortcomings that we haven't wanted to face or talk about. You know, if you admit it ... talk about it ... process it ... then you are accountable to change it. Sometimes I think we'd rather continue on auto-pilot or "glide" mode than to have to face the fact that there is work we need to do.

We talked alot about first loves and being first in each other's lives. We talked about self seeking actions and about self sacrificing ones. We talked about having appreciation and love and patience with each other like we once did. We talked about having an ACTIVE love verses a taken for granted, passive love. It was probably the best conversation, as uncomfortable as it was to see some of the stuff the Lord revealed to us about ourselves, that we've had in years. But last night as we went to bed and I was cuddled next to RJ there was an intimacy that I haven't felt in a long, long time. An appreciation and a closeness that made me realize how much we have just been settling for "life" or "living" rather than savoring "love" and "loving".

I realize that a great marriage takes work ... it takes dedication ... it takes renewing one's mindset to keep love fresh and vibrant and growing. RJ and I talked about how much we had both changed in 10 years but it's been I can't count how many years since I have really taken the time to talk to RJ about his views or his interests or his dreams. We just go along ... doing our "thing" ... but not talking like we did in those days when we couldn't stand to be apart for even an hour. In some ways I know him better than any other soul on earth ... and in other ways ... it's time to get to know him all over again.

I realized that I'm not willing to settle for security and comfort growing old with my buddy. I want to savor all of my life with me lover, my best friend ... and that means seeing him with those same eyes that I had for him in the days when he was my all consumption ... it means hearing him with those same ears ... it means treating him in those special ways that SHOW him that he is so important and special to me.