Rome wasn't built ...

in a day. ~smiles~ How I wish that the consequences of our actions could just be swept away in the time it takes ... in the blink of an eye it takes for the Lord to apply the blood of Jesus to the sin itself. I know that sometimes we are given the grace of having those consequences swept away in the flood of forgiveness however, I know too that sometimes the lessons aren't the ones that are painless. Sometimes the lesson is in the consequences and we must press on rather than pray for a flood to wash away the consequences of our actions. I know that sometimes there must be something accomplished in us that takes time ... and sometimes it's a painful lesson or lessons.

I want so badly to cry out to God to wash it all away. To help me to forget ... and to avoid the hurts that have come from MY actions ... however, I know that in this case, it is not going to be. I know that I must walk out of this desert one footfall at a time and I know that His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking. I know that He is prepared to feed me and quench my thirst in this desert but I also know that He isn't going to give me a nice little oasis in the middle of it to sit down and camp at. I know ... I know that I must keep walking. One footfall at a time.

I know that the Lord has given me strength from Himself and from the close fellowship of others. I know that He is providing what I need but I also know that not a single other person can step these steps for me. I know that not a single other person can keep walking even though I am tired. Even though I am hurting. I know that it is God alone who sustains me and who WILL continue to sustain me if I will set my heart and mind on HIM alone.

Yesturday we went to Dar and Andrew's church and it was fantastic. If no one else needed the message that was offered ... God knew that I did. It was about remembering and it hit home in such a powerful way. The pastor gave a great play on the word remember and re-member, addressing those who had been dis-membered from the body for some reason or another. He spoke about how remembering the words and deeds of the Lord in our past were crucial in helping us to be re-membered to the body of Christ again.

I had a tendency to look back on what the Lord has done in my life and in the lives of my friends and then stop ... and shake my head and just kinda say ... "those were the -glory- days" or some other mental phrase that dismisses those times. Maybe because they are so painful in comparison to where I stand now. Maybe because I want to side step the -responsibility- that we all claimed that we understood so well in acknowledging the call of God on our lives. Whatever the reason, I have so many times stopped short of really really remembering those times because it was just so painful and because it felt easier to avoid the responsibility that sits on those experiences.

I know that I must not only REMEMBER but to embrace those -understandings- that I have worked so hard to bury. I know there is a difference between resting on one's laurels so to speak and REMEMBERING that which compels and drives us. There was a phrase the pastor kept using yesturday and for the life of me I can't remember it ... I wish I could. Basically it was something along the lines of - failing to REMEMBER the Deeds and Promises of the Lord is setting ourselves up for failure now. That we can't remain in a right place with the Lord if we don't remember His promises and His deeds.

I can't do it justice today and I won't try any further to explain ... except to say that I feel ... lighter today. I feel a sense of deliverance today. I feel a sense of renewed purpose today. I feel a sense of hope today. I can't wash away all of the consequences of my sin ... I can't make every compulsion or weak moment of missing a -friend- away ... but I can steel myself ... and take another step out of this desert. AND I do know that when my hands get tired in the middle of this battle that God has given me the most precious gift of those who will keep my hands raised even when I am too tired in my own strength. I do know that I have allowed isolation to beat me to a pulp long enough. I do know that I am surrounded by those who are at least as strong and determined as I am and maybe more so. I do know that it's a fight now and for a long time it wasn't even a fight ... it was a slaughter.