How Great ...

So I'm sitting here fighting tears with all that is within me as I make CD's to send to our -adopted- troops overseas in the war. I got a letter from one yesturday and I plan to transcribe it here because ... nothing does it justice like his words. I cried for two hours when I read it ...

Every song that plays has such a different feel to it as I burn this CD when I consider that it will be heard (hopefully they will listen, pray that they do) by men fighting every day a half a world away. Newsong's version of How Great Thou Art just played and it was all I could do not to just collapse on the floor. I can't begin to explain how profoundly this project to support the troops has affected me. As I read more and more about the -unpopularity- of this war and how people are starting to treat our troops ... I feel more of a burden now than I did 4 years ago to support our troops. They are coming home with scars ... with things in their heads that only God can give them peace about ... and they are coming home more and more vilified and that breaks my heart!

This is just unspeakably hard for me right now ... wrestling with my own relationship with God and trying at the same time to figure out what He would have me say and send to these guys ... it's ... hitting me in a way that I really can't explain. I hear this music and think what will it say to them and at the same time ... it's like it's speaking to me too ... for the first time. It feels imperative ... I don't know how else to put it. I feel like something inside of me is colliding and it's ... beyond words right now. I don't know how else to try to describe it ... and I know this babbling just doesn't do it justice.

I am so thankful for Helen ... for Dar ... for Cubbie ... for Johnny ... they are encouraging me more right now than they have ANY IDEA ... more than I think ever in my life. I don't feel alone ... but I feel ... a grieving inside of me ... a calling ... a screaming ... a pleading? The thought that I am not alone is very comforting right now ... though nothing really touches me too close to take away this ... THIS ... and I don't think anything is supposed to. I just feel blindsided by it all though ... and I'm scared ... but there is this joy there too ... clawing it's way out of me from somewhere ... and then the tears start again ...

God ... help me ...