So I took some time tonight to read J & Hoddie's blogs and RJ's too ... and I realized as I was reading ... I am so proud of them. I hestitate to say that because I had nothing to do with anything that moved me that they wrote ... but just as people I have known and loved a long long time, I am so amazed by their insights, their determination and their growth -- and I am proud of them ... of the people they've become.
I have really been enjoying Hoddie's blog posts and my talks with her on the phone. I am so blown away sometimes by her professionalism and maturity and insight. I find her words to be insightful and encouraging and tempered ... it makes me wonder if I will ever grow up and find my own temperance *L*. She encourages me ... just in the living of her life and in the way that she is honest about her struggles. She doesn't overspiritualize things ... yet her life is one of spiritual committment and devotion. She is probably one of the very most REAL girlfriends I've ever had in my life. Undoubtably one of the very most faithful to me when I've been so woefully faithless to her. I don't think she will ever realize her value in my eyes and my gratitude in her devotion and long suffering of our friendship. She is a treasure that only grows more precious as I take the time to see her and listen to her. I am so thankful that she had far more determination and faith in -us- than I've had. Now I hope to begin to culture that some level of devotion and faithfulness back to her!
J ... what can I see. There was a time I saw Him with all stars ... I saw everything that I thought He could become and I saw everything He wouldn't do to make it so. Then ... I grew far away from Him and I saw only that He didn't seem to care. Seemed so out of touch. I wondered so often about all the things I -thought- He was supposed to be and I wondered if maybe I was wrong about what I projected on Him. This is not to say that He wasn't always a good person but He became so ... -far away-. I am not talking about the distance that came as He found His wife and later as I found my Husband. I am not talking about He and I not being close any more ... I mean there was just a distance ... an emotional unavailability that seemed to surround Him for so long. It was ... hard to explain. I held out so much hope ... but honestly ... I held out as much concern for Hoddie as anything. I know that she never failed to see the Man God intended Him to be ... I just wondered what it was going to take to get Him there. I pray that IF He reads these words that neither of them will be offended with me for saying this. These are just my thoughts as I've been astounded with what I now see in Him.
I have spent a great deal of time over the past few years growing to embrace a Warrior mentality. Growing to understand the need for fierce and passionate Men who were both strong and devoted. I have grown to appreciate the unflinching, unapologetic nature of a powerful Man ... of a Warrior. The Man who understands His responsibilities and meets them without flinching ... yet can hold His wife and children with the most tender of touches. The Man who is honorable ... who has integrity ... who is strong ... who is determined ... who is UNAFRAID. This is the -Man- that I've come to understand is missing in most of the world around us. So many Men are so checked out ... rather than lead ... the seek to escape ... into sports games on TV ... video games ... yard work ... work on their cars ... anything that keeps them from the intimacy that brings them a fulfillment that nothing else can. Of course they are able to avoid failing and letting someone down because they just keep themselves removed. And yet, they aren't leading ... they aren't powerful ... they are starving those around them of the very things their women and children need.
Ughh ... I'm off track. I say all this to say ... I see the Warrior in my friend that I have always suspected but not glimpsed so well until now. I see someone who is waking to a call ... to a Battle ... to a duty ... it's like He is just rising ... just stretching His limbs ... but I sense strength and determination in Him that I haven't sensed in a long time. Perhaps because we have all be so long parted. I am excited for my friend ... I am proud of Him. I see Him moving outside of Himself again ... maybe for the first time ... in a new way ... even just reading His comments to RJ and I ... I have to smile ... I know in my heart ... my friend IS a Warrior!
RJ ... who on this earth would have stood by me for 10 years but He who has a love for me that ONLY God could give a Man. I am still amazed when I look into His eyes to see the love and attraction that is reflected there. He knows every flaw ... every unfaithfulness ... every blemish ... every unattractive thing ... every failing in me ... and still ... He loves me. I have not been the wife to Him that He has deserved. I have not been the wife to Him that I can be ... that I want to be. Yet ... He is here ... He holds me ... He kisses me ... He works beside me. His complaints about me are so rare that it shames me. He has more reasons than I could ever count to be critical of me ... to complain about me ... to find fault with me ... to leave me ... and yet ... He stays ... and He loves me. I never ever thought in all my years of wanting a Husband ... of wanting someone to be FIRST with ... that I'd be the one to fail so badly ... yet I have been. And He's still here ...
This Man astounds me. I am humbled and I am shamed.
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2 comments:
It is all good C. Remember as iron sharpens iron. Friendships that truly last are neither pretty or perfect. Your assessment is sooo true. The cool thing is God's grace is still alive and well in this Warrior. Keep it up.
Aweee baby! I love you so much. I would never consider leaving you and I do not feel that you are a failure in any light. Have you and I made mistakes? Sure... but who hasn't? I honestly do not think of them however. Sure when I am angry things may come flooding back, but it is not because I have not forgiven or forgotten, but simply because I fail at being able to let my pride go, and look for easy ways to hurt back. I am sorry for those times. They are not frequent though and I do not spend my time worried about things that we have come through, but instead am delighted in the beautiful wife that I have and the strong marriage we are in together... made better because of what we have weathered. You are still my favorite friend, who I still feel I can be totally naked and unashamed with... and feel so comfortable with you by my side. NOBODY in this world could love me as good as you do, and there is not a moment that passes by that I do not fully know this and deeply appreciate you.
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