I feel like the waves keep washing over my head ... like the shimmering hope in my desert is only a mirage ... ten steps closer today but the hope still seems just as far away. I long for an absolution that doesn't come. I am torn inside by a shame that is unrelenting ... it's kept me quiet ... reclusive ... ashamed ... hidden for so long. And I still don't understand it.
I read the blogs of others going through times of great confusion ... I see the struggles ... I feel them ... I hear the hurting cries ... deep inside of me ... I so understand ... and yet ... I often feel entirely alone which is utterly unfair because the Lord has been so faithful when I have been woefully unfaithful. He has surrounded me with such a host ... the most beautiful ... forgiving ... loving ... faithful friends ... and most of the time I think to myself ... if they only REALLY knew me ... if they only REALLY knew what I have done ... they would understand why there isn't music ... why there isn't Dance ... why there is only desert ...
I just sat and talked to RJ about this blog post ... about what I want to say ... and even know the fear stings my fingers and I can't seem to make myself even type the words ... I can't seem to MAKE myself explain ... confess ... offer you PROOF that I'm not deserving of ya'll's kindness and support ... I am afraid. I am afraid that those of you how know me know such much about my past sins that adding to the list is even more than you could bear ... and the fear keeps me in my desert while everyone else sails on their oceans ... that's the biggest thing you know ... the fear of not being loved.
I guess this started with my Mother's Day post ... the inevitible tripping along until I just fall flat on my face and come out with it. I see so much ALLUSION in the blogs of those we are connected with ... I see so much that can be inferred ... I see so much that is left unsaid ... for people to only wonder the worst ... but in my case ... that feels so false to me. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or maybe some brilliant psychiatrist would say that this confession I'm trying so hard to make is just another way of punishing myself and pushing people away ... so fearful am I of not being loved or of being abandoned by those I love.
I am neither brilliant or a psychiatrist. Mostly I am a wimp. Mostly I am a fraud. It just feels so wrong to read your encouragement to me when YOU don't have any idea what I am struggling with. I long to be able to sit in a room with all of you at once and to be able to pour out my guts to you. Then I would not have to have this additional struggle of a very public confession or the continued agony of feeling like I can't truly take your words to heart. God what a crappy place between the rock and the wall ...
I want to take on your loving kindness ... I want to embrace your exhortations ... I want to BELIEVE the good ... I want to taste it ... savor it like cold watermelon on a hot day ... I want to drink it into my soul ... I want to own it ... all of the beauty that ya'll offer me ... but I can't ... I just can't. I read ... and I cry ... I wrestle ... and I mourn ... and I can not find peace. I read my Bible ... I can -talk- about Biblical things with others ... I can give opinions or even some convictions ... but without telling the -whole- story ... I feel that I can't really tell you where I've been and without you knowing where I've been I feel that I can't really accept everything that you guys so richly and generously offer me.
I choose the music of courage and warfare for my website. I understand the concept of Warrior in crazy ways from reading so many martial arts texts ... and yet ... I find myself a coward among Lions ... and I don't even know how to overcome it ... I don't know how to make myself -do- whatever it is that I must do for me to be able to walk in the freedom I so envy in everyone around me.
I look at everyone else and they -look- so unencumbered and I feel that I am walking around dragging the anchor of hell with every step. Grotesque I know ... but I've run out of pretty ways to explain it ... pretty pictures that go easy on the eye ... and don't offend anyone's delicate sensibilites. And inside my heart wars with the forbidden and there is no one I can even tell ... it's not proper you know ... struggle ... victory is proper ... but struggle ... why that's just not Christian is it? We are supposed to be over it ... it's supposed to be done ... left behind ... no turning back ... no sneak peeks over the shoulder ... I am a ruined pillar of salt. I don't mean to seem bitter ... I am angry at me ... THIS is me. THIS is my fault. It's just so hard to keep trudging on ... picking myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and cowboying up ... when inside ... I equally mourn and cower in shame and regret. And everything that I read ... everywhere in our small corner of blogland is all about victory.
Tonight ... I long for a victory that I haven't yet worked hard enough for ... I haven't yet passed the time to experience ... I haven't served my discipline ... my consequences. I WISH I were in a church that I could go to and confess to and be given SOMETHING ... ANYTHING that I could put my hand to for a tangible act of repentence and contrition but that's just not the way it is. So instead ... I grapple ... and I wrestle ... and I cry ... alot. And every day I drag myself out of the hole of my shame ... and I force myself to answer the phone when Helen or Johnny calls ... and I force myself to read your blogs ... and I force myself to write something ... even if it's mostly just pathetic babbling and sounds far more woe is me than I feel. I imagine that brilliant but elusive psychiatrist would probably say that shame and self pity may be close familial connections ... but I can tell you ... for me ... right now ... it's not self pity ... it's self loathing that smacks me clean in the face when I manage to force myself to look in the mirror. I don't feel sorry for me ... I feel disgusted with me ... I feel shamed ... and I feel regret ...
I wish ... oh God I wish ... I could take it all back ... and then there is the true glaring question ... do I wish I could take it all back because of how it hurts God to sin against Him ... or just because it hurts me so badly right now ... serving the consequences of my sin?
And I remain ... too much of a coward to confess ... did I mention trainwreck lately?
nakedness
I am a newborn in Your eyes
as naked as creation day
and all I can feel is the coldness
of unrelenting winter in the spring of my birth
Catching her
And He was catching her as she was falling,
tumbling again from the dizzy heights
of lofty dreams and haunted nightmares
having bought more delusions,
than her frail arms could carry
daring to defy,
she had peered over the edge once more.
laden as she was with her pricey bouquet of seductive whispers
the gravity of reality, a sucking siren's call
pulling her over into helpless plummet,
the flowers of her self deception showering into emptiness,
she crashes anew into the safety of His actuality.
her own untrustworthy emotions still
wet in her eyes.
spring
the sun came up this morning
pulling itself up with agonizing slowness
spilling over the steep horizon with brilliant fanfare
to chase away my insinuating companion
shrouded in his mystery
even as he was whispering fears
to chill my heart
bring tears to my eyes.
the dawn burst forth illuminating
tiny shoots of green
3 comments:
Caroline - You ARE an amazing women, an incredible friend, and a priceless gift from God. I know when you look in the mirror you are ashamed, but when God looks at you, He seems you for who He made you to be. He knew before the foundation of the earth every sin you would commit, just like he knew all of my sins, and yet He sent Christ to cover it all. He loves you, not because of what you have or haven't done for Him, but because He created you. None of us have room to throw any stones, sin is sin - period! Sin (little lie to big murder)seperates us from the Father, but The Blood redeems it all, it covers it all and The Blood doesn't distinguish between sin, it just covers it! I love you more than you will ever know. It has nothing to do with what you have or haven't done for me, it has nothing to do with your eloquent words (though they are very eloquent and I am jeolous evertime I read them- longing to be so graceous with my thoughts), it has nothing to do with how you look, where you live, or who you know, but it has everything to do with the covenant relationship God ordained long before we ever knew each other. God knew I would need you in my life and I am glad He did. I love you so much. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, but more importantly the way God sees you.
Well, Caroline
We will let our love for you and RJ cover whatever your situation is right now. I am just going to say that when I see you, I see the person who can challenge me to be more than what I have settled for. I don't know how to tell you to work though this season of your life. But I will say this. When it is over, you will come out of it not even smelling like smoke and your clothes will not be burned. This is a fiery trial that you are in the middle of, but take heart cause Jesus is walking around in the fire with you. I believe that when you do come out, your issues of abandonment and rejection will be done with forever. It has been a process I believe that He has brought you through and this is another step to complete the healing process.
Sometimes He calms the storm and in others He calms US in the storm. Hang on girl... We have your back.
I think you are just better at being transparent than I am... I can say this, there is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING that would surprise me, shock me, or make me not love and accept you. Really, nothing! I know my dark nature, and I know what I am capable of, thus I know what you are capable of. You probably don't believe me, but it's true! The best part is that I know Jesus, and I know what HE is capable of... forgiveness, restoration, redemption.
Last year I spent almost the whole year studying Hosea, meditating on God's love for an unfaithful wife who had been rescued from prostitution and left Him anyways... He determined in His heart to go to her and not only take her back but to ROMANCE HER and win her heart. Wow. He's doing that with me, romancing me and winning my trust again, as I was pretty much mad at Him and definitely not trusting Him and His perfect love and plan for me. I pray He will win yours back too and restore you to the love relationship He intends to have with you.
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