The Christian acceptability of mourning and other musings ...

RJ and I talked this morning about my blog entry from yesturday ... He has some really interesting things to say on the topic of mourning and it's acceptability in our -Christian- culture as well as our society in general. His synopsis was based on an article that he was reading recently about the Western uncomfortableness with mourning.

Mourn: 1. To feel or express deep regret for: mourned the wasted years.
2. To grieve over (someone who has died).
3. To utter sorrowfully.

In other cultures there are often distinctive periods ascribed to mourning and there is great respect for a family or a person mourning a great or deep loss. Expressions of sorrow don't make people in other cultures such as Asian for instance as uncomfortable as they do people in the West. Granted Asian people are rather reserved in some respects and are reknowned for their dignity and poise in the face of great hardships, however, they are in general, as a culture respectful and understanding of mourning periods. They do not expect people to quickly get over grief and they don't expect people to behave as though great loss is quickly behind them. They mourn with dignity, however they are supported in their mourning.

In Western culture ... especially American culture ... we want people to be over grief quickly. We are uncomfortable with symptoms of grief and sorrow. We dance around the pain of someone who has experienced a great loss because we are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, we often feel almost -put out- by someone's struggle with mourning. It's because we always feel that we must have SOMETHING to say, I think, that we find ourselves impatient with those who seem to be suffering and I submit that sometimes we are possibly misguided. I believe that in general we do want to make people feel better but our hurry to increase our comfort and to ease our uneasiness can often inadvertently alienate the one who is trying to make their way through a personal agony.

Most people in America report that the acceptable period for mourning or expressing sorrow over great loss or pain is over far more quickly than the person involved is relieved of their own burden to process and talk about the situation. Often we rush people ... saying to ourselves that dewelling on a mistake or a loss or sorrow is counterproductive to their lives and their need to move on. And of course, there is always that dreaded ... not knowing what to SAY that makes us accutely uncomfortable ourselves.

I think we can be especially guilty of this within the -church- as well. We as so quick to try to offer spiritual succor in the form of exhortations to move on ... to not look back ... to just give it over to Jesus and never look back ... that we unintentionally isolate and alienate someone who is deeply hurting and mourning. We inadvertently push for a Victory in the midst of a great defeat ... we are quick to pull a scripture or two that while well intentioned and TRUE ... may seem more like hollow platitutudes and can even seem condemning for the one who just can't wrap their heart and head around all of that victory in the midst of their own personal heartache. We mean so well ... we love so much ... we want to alieviate hurt and suffering ... but I think sometimes we unknowingly create a fake it 'til you make it environment for a wounded person. Again, I suspect that SOME of it isn't only that we love someone but I think we have to search our own hearts as well and make sure that some of our hurry with a hurting person isn't founded in our own discomfort with travail.

I was reading a blog that I found a link to by someone in our small blogosphere here and the person is clearly hurting. A mourning period is in effect if you will. And there were many well meaning people who shared vigorous and inspiring words of inspiration from the Bible to this man. However, it was clear from his responses that he wasn't ignorant of the scriptures and that at this time ... they weren't powerfully comforting to him inspite of the fact that he clearly WISHED that they were. He just isn't there yet. I'm not saying it's not appropriate to remind a struggling person that we are ultimately overcomers by the blood of Jesus ... not at all. What I am saying is that the man obviously knew how he SHOULD feel if he could just apply those beautiful and dynamic scriptures but he couldn't. As a result sometimes well meaning exhortations only end up providing more self condemnation and guilt because the hurting person just can't figure out WHY they can't simply drop the hurt and embrace the victory.

Finally at the end of 10's of responses ... a man (I assume it was a man) just simply said, "how I wish I could hug you" or something to that effect. He simply said he was sorry for the man's pain and that he knew that healing was a process and that he too grieved with his friend for the pain and struggle that he was enduring. Of all the things that were said ... this truly seemed to minister grace and a soothing balm to his tortured heart. It was as though he was suddenly relieved of some of the Christian guilt we -accidently- sometimes place on our own wounded.

Don't get me wrong. To everything there is a season and for every circumstance there must be an individual response. There is a time for attempting to correct. There is a time for exhorting in love. There is a time for restoration. There is a time to mourn. There is a time to cry .... AND there is a time to laugh. At time to dance and a time to be happy. (No, I refuse to launch into the whole song ~soft laugh~ though I confess it's tickling the back of my brain as I type this).

I guess sometimes I find myself guilty of uttering the same scriptures and phrases that I MEAN to be comforting without considering that sometimes ... I don't have to say a whole of anything at all. OR ... instead of being still until I really hear what it is the Lord would have me say ... sometimes it ends up being really off the wall.

I say all of this to say a few points of clarification about my own desert experience right now. I realize that my words shared here can seem to be very forlorn and lonely. Maybe even a bit defeatist. I assure you, they aren't meant to be. I am working through an enormously difficult situtation and I've struggled with making a -private- journal in which to document this ... however I think I am afraid of where I could wander to or what I could actually justify if I don't have some sort of accountability so ... I've opted to try to work out some things here. This is a work in progress and even on the days when I seem the most defeated ... I laugh ... I love ... I am grateful ... and I DO KEEP WALKING. I realize it's uncomfortable to watch someone else's pain ... but I want to tell you guys ... who I do love so very much ... please don't feel that you have to always respond or to tell me how much worth you see in me. It's not that I don't appreciate these statements ... they are beautiful and golden to me ... representing the hope that causes me to press on.

However, this isn't a quick process and I don't want you guys to feel like you have to tell me every day that I'm not a scumbag. I don't want to wear out my welcome or exhaust my family with some sort of -expectation- or -need- to be encouraged or reassured every day. I KNOW that you guys love me. How do I know? You are still here. period.

I need to press through this ... and sometimes I just need to write it ... so I don't want you to feel any sort of obligation to always have to respond with deep reassurance. My reassurance is that you are still here at all. That you haven't written me off as a great lost shama shama cause. I need to be able to vent and process here and I don't want to feel a pressure from the pit to cut that short because I am afraid that I'll be thought of as beating a dead horse. I don't want to be tortured with the guilt of feeling like the Christian failure because my struggle wasn't over yesturday. Believe me ... I want this struggle over. I laugh ... I spend amazing time with RJ and then ... in a moment alone ... in the strangest times ... I am slammed upside the head with the reminder of ... with the consequences of my sin ... and frankly it sucks. So please know ... no one wants this over faster than me. No one is more sick of it than me. Please know this.

It's not that I don't want to hear your thoughts ... the good, the bad ... the challenging ... the simple ... even if it's just a note that says ... "I'm still here" ... I covet your presence in my life right now more than you can imagine. I just don't want you to feel that you have to say something deep or reassuring every day.

I am still walking ... another 10 steps today ... another few small victories ... another day that I didn't just give up completely and stay in bed ... hiding ... ~soft smile~ so that makes today a great day ... and I am trying very hard to find the ways that I can rejoice in it ... . I am defining and mapping out a personal journey here but also, please know ... it's not my all consumption. It's not my constant focus. In fact sometimes the only times I really allow myself to dwell on it is here ... I write it and then ... shut off the puter and try to go find life ... if that makes sense.

I am so blessed ...

When Love Calls You Home

Commissioned

Waiting on the edge of your prodigle heart

Wanting for someone to save you from yourself

Out there on the edge dangling somewhere in the darkness

Doubting if anybody really cares

But then Love reached through the shadows

Whispering your name

And nothing will ever be the same again

Chorus:

For when Love calls you home

Forgiveness embraces a past you once owned

And all the mistakes that carried your name are gone

Cos that's what happens when Love calls you home

Craddled in Your mercy that has no limit

I've finally found a place where I belong

Now I can't imagine one moment without you in it

It's hard to believe I tried to make it on my own

But You picked me up from the ruins of my broken life

And when every chance was spent

You gave me one more try

Chorus