~smiles softly~ I'm still here ... sloughing my way along ... one foot in front of the other. Straining with all of my might to keep my eyes forward ... to keep lifting one foot and placing it ahead ... and then the other.
Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Reading so many people's thoughts causes many of my own to rush up and assail me ... the good ... the beautiful ... the bad ... the confusing ... the overwhelming. I am not sure any more if it's best not to speak or to go ahead and share from this broken place. What do I really have to say anyway? I wonder. I lack perspective right now ... in what I should and shouldn't say. Of course there is no derth of things that I CAN say ... but it's the should and shouldn't that have me tripping over my own feet. ~gentle laugh~ Not a very pretty picture is it? For that I am sorry.
It's rather like a trainwreck isn't it ... all the twisted metal and damage ... but you just can't keep yourself from looking anyways. I just keep telling myself ... even this Lord, You will use one day ... one day even this struggle will somehow be turned to glorify You. And I do believe that ... I'm just ready for the someday to be NOW. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way ... you know?
My heart is heavy for a number of reasons ... though I still see the sun shinning and I do feel the warmth on my face. I am thankful.
I have started the first steps in researching for my biological parents. In and of itself a daunting prospect. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. I think it seems like the right thing to do right now and so I am slowly going to move forward with that.
The missing soldiers in Iraq have been weighing heavy on my heart. I have a POW flag that is on the way right beside my computer here at home. It's been there for almost three years. "You are not forgotten." It gets so easy to forget. I pray that I won't ... I know that those who hold our Men aren't those who believe in mercy or in adherence to the conventions of POW's that we are supposed to embrace. I pray that God will strengthen them and that our nation won't forget them in this time that I can't even begin to imagine -- being at the hands of those who believe in such a gruesome treatment of the "enemy".
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3 comments:
Caroline, thanks for your frank honesty in sharing with those of us who journey with you. The Dance - this thing we call a relationship with Jesus - is not always easy. Sometimes the music changes from fast to slow, sometimes we cannot even hear it (or at least I cannnot)but the one who "leads" can. In those times following along is awkward. We get out of step, step on his feet (laugh) or otherwise get out of sync. As long as we keep trying, stumbling and bumbling along until we learn the new step He keeps gently leading. I know it is tough now, and you are unsure of things. It's all good - just keep at it with as much trust as you can give. The Dance is not always easy, but it is always fruitful.
You are such a blessing to me. Your words bring a smile to my face, your understanding makes me think I'm not so crazy after all and well...you truly have become my best friend (outside of my husband of course). I never could have imagined how God would have connected us in those times when Johnny and I were dating and we were at odds - I love you! Hang in there.
I'm still sore over the fact that you drove through Raleigh and didn't even beep the horn.
Anyway you bless us all. You and RJ need a rest at the Thomasson retreat in Raleigh. Stay free and give me a call some time.
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