Hey ya'll. I'm unsure where to put this ... on my blog or here ... but I guess I'll put it in both places to cover it all and so my request can be seen by my amazing friends!
Some of ya'll know that I've had uveitis for the past four years or so ... which requires me to get steriod injections into my eyeballs to keep it from causing permanent blindness. Last Monday (a week and change ago) I had to go in to get another shot ... my right eye is almost completely clouded over with cells and my vision in both eyes is suffering tremendously. I was informed at that appointment that they could no longer give me the steriod injections ... there is ongoing permanent damange occuring in my eyes and they strongly insisted on a more agressive treatment. Previously the doctors had hoped that they uveitis which is an auto-immune deficiency disease, would simply burn itself out as it sometimes does. It hasen't.
Starting 10 days ago, I have embarked on an aggressive and potentially highly risky treatment schedule that involves a projected two year cycle of chemotherapy and immunosuppressants. Additionally I am on an aggressive course of steriods to attempt to deal with the current flare in my right eye that prevents it from dialating at this point. The goal is to take my immune system down to zero ... as one of my kids said ... "Oh you are going to have medically induced AIDS" ... and in a sense he is correct.
The course of treatment ...the timeline and potential side effects is daunting at best ... horrific at worst ... in my mind if not in my body yet. I have many fears and whys swirling inside me concerning this ... some dreams I think I'm going to have to let go of ... and alot to come to grips with in the course of feeling so incredibly vulnerable. I covet your prayers guys ... more than I can say.
I am struggling with this aweful sense of failure and I find that I'm having a hard time sharing this news with anyone ... I am humiliated and I can't really explain why. I guess a part of me feels like ... it's always me ... needing something ... screwing something up ... failing. Just before I went to the doctor this time I REALLY thought God had healed my eyes ... so ... it's an especially tough blow to find that it wasn't so ... yet. I felt more sure that I ever have in my life about physical healing ... so ... I just don't fully -get- it.
My church has been AMAZING! They have been positive ... supportive ... encouraging ... unflinching! We have to miss church half the month while we are at work but managed to get there last Wednesday night ... I needed that so badly ... God is so very good ... even when we don't understand.
Anyways ... that's where I'm at ya'll ... and again ... here I am ... humbled ...
I love ya'll!
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4 comments:
We've got your back. You are in our prayers and we are believing God to finish what He started.
Praying, C! Maybe even putting some shama shamas into it...
just saw the info. on your website. Jennifer and I will continue to lift you up as well. Whenever there seems to be break-through it seems the enemy is right there to try to trip us up, have us give up or become disillusioned. (Give up on God) As you stated in your letter it appears that you are seeing God as your loving Father even though you don't understand. Even as I am writing I think of the story of Lazarus. Mary wanted him healed, God wanted to raise him from the dead. Continue to TRUST God in the midst of your circumstances. Graham Cooke writes and asks us to ask God what He wants to be for us in the now. So God, I am asking you to show Caroline what you want to be for her right now where she is. I pray for your love and tenderness to surround and engulf her. I pray every insecurity would fall and everything you thing about Caroline and say about Caroline would come to the forefront of her mind and spirit. I thank you that you have not fallen asleep at the wheel and you have not missed it, but that you are in full control of the situation and the enemy is at your mercy as to how far he can go. (Like Job) I pray peace and rest to come right now! Jesus, Rise up and take your place of Authority over this disease and we ask you just like children ask for what they need to heal Caroline. Your name is Mighty and we call on you to come in your power. You are worthy and will receive all glory and honor in Jesus' Name. A-men.
Be encouraged - God thinks about you every moment of everyday without ceasing. You are always loved by him. Adam
Hey, Dear Caroline...I just found your blog again...been missin' ya...(get on facebook, ok? I OWN you, by the way... :)
Just wanting an update...how are you, now? What's been going on since April? I had no idea, but will be praying now...Call or write soon. I love you dearly. Dar
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