taken for granted

As I look over my few posts here and read J & H's responses ... I find myself crying every time. With gratitude and with shame -- equal parts. Shame that I haven't been nearly the friend that they have deserved and gratitude that somehow, some way ... they still find love in their hearts for me. I know that I need them ... not a life sucking need ... but a challenge need ... I need them because they love me enough to shoot straight with me ... I need them because in spite of all the mistakes I believe we were all God ordained to be in each other's lives.

I need them because they believe in God in me ... even when no one else in the world has a clue that HE might even be in me at all.

I have enough regrets to equal a hundred millstones I think ... and they all feel like they are tied around my neck ... but I know ... I can't give up now ... no matter what ...

This weekend was rough ... things are just so tender for me with my Mom and Dad I can't really even write about them. I need to find some new comfort/inspirational music. I've been away from listening to most Christian music for so long I don't even know who to look for. I need to tap some sources I think.

I got some plants last night for the cottage and planted them this morning after my only boy went to school. Lavender and some other decorative plants for the kitchen (if the lavender will thrive there), tulip bulbs in a big wooden barrel for the courtyard, and a wandering jew plant for the staff office. I also got another bamboo bunch to go with my new dish garden and my big teacup planter in the dinning room. Hopefully they won't die.

I also got my workspace set up in the extra bedroom to paint. I am very happy about this. I need to find a desk that I can set up at home and tackle our second bedroom to weed out the junk and make it a peaceful workspace. I may never really have any talent for this sumi-e painting but ... I want to try. I need to try.

I need to fill out some paperwork this morning for requisitions for our flower beds and for painting supplies for our rocking chairs. Hopefully we can revive them a bit and spruce up the cottage some more.

We are getting a new admission this afternoon and another new admission tommorrow so it should be a busy week coming up, with new kids to teach the ropes to! I am not so thrilled to have another 9 yeard old in the cottage because they are generally pretty difficult, however, with our low numbers, I can hardly complain *L*. At least we don't have 8 or 9 kids right now!!!!!!

I need to remember to get the book over to Marisa today too. I don't know what I will say ... breast cancer. Everything I try to think of saying seems so ... trite and frivolous. I will hopefully think of something.

I read Helen's blog and I find myself wondering ... what IS it that God has given birth to through Helen ... she is too vague! I shall have to rebuke her! Ho YES!