It's Sunday ...

No fancy titles tonight nor any really catchy themes unfortunately! ~laughs~ It's been a while since I've posted though so I feel obligated to -pony up- something lest I begin to worry everyone.

So it's been crazy lately and I feel drained ... lots going on here with our kids at work ... with work itself ... with our friends ... and with me. I haven't been sleeping much and that stinks but it'll work itself out I am sure.

We went to church this morning and it was definitely the highlight of my week ... well that and last Wednesday night at church. You know ... it's been so long ... so incredibly long since -church- was home. We went YEARS with no church and trying to find out way through just the encouragement of friends and our praise CD's and what we -knew- to do. I am convinced the greatest point of suffering for us in the last ten years has been the lack of a good church home.

Granted ... we didn't have a great many choices in Havelock and the area after the -big burn- with FCF and the ensuing fallout ... but since then ... it's just been a long long valley that eventually gave way to a desert that was completely overwhelming. We didn't even really bother to try to find a church here when we moved ... just like we gave up on church in Havelock. We can only attend every other week so that's a daunting point in terms of trying to get committed and build relationships ... BUT ... we are finally home!

I love ... LOVE LOVE LOVE our church! I love the people ... I love the variety ... I love the music ... I love the ministerial staff ... I love the Word that is brought forth and expounded on ... I love Paster Whit ... I love that HE is finally someone that I think that I can -trust- from the pulpit again. We haven't had the opportunity or FOUND the opportunity in years to find a church that truly encourages and feeds us as well as clicks with our own convictions. Christian City Church of Greensboro is finally that place we believe. For years I've walked into church with more armour on mentaly, spiritually, and emotionally than anyone ought to have to. I have analyzed every jot and tittle ... every time of ministry ... every word spoken in the pulpit ... EVERYTHING to the point that it was an exercise in misery ... not a time of spiritual renewal.

Pastor Whit got the same level of skepticism and guardedness that I've given every other Pastor that I've encountered for the last 10 or more years. I basically walked in and said to myself but to him - "I dare you to prove that you can be trusted". I tore apart everything that took place in corporate ministry. I riffled through the webpages ... I looked ... I searched ... I WAITED for the shoe to drop. I don't mean that I've looked for problems with other people or whether or not there are ever difficulties but I mean ... I have examined the voice of the Man ... because I don't think I can stand to be burned like we were before.

Every test ... every question ... every point that means EVERYTHING to me ... God has answered at CCC. Paster Whit touched on church authority and trust on Wednesday night ... I bawled my head off. He spoke about trust being essential in allowing a Paster to lead the congregation. He spoke about needing to believe in the vision that God gives him as the leader of the chruch and the elders in confirmation of that vision. Normally this whole topic would have sent me to through the door without even bothering to hear the rest. I have been unable to trust ... utterly. HOWEVER ... He also spoke about the importance of ceasing that trust when there is a check in your spirit or there is a violation of your conscience taking place. This was freedom on a platter for me! I NEEDED to hear this from the Paster so badly. He stressed that it's important not to let our belief that we know what is best for the running of the church become a point of contention when it didn't match what he felt was the leading of the Lord for our church -- (hello John & Helen!) but he also pointed out that you can not blindly obey a man when there is a violation of true conscience or a serious check in your spirit.

Today he spoke about taking our cares to the Lord. This is a theme that he has been expounding on for several weeks. He was speaking of about Hannah and Eli in the temple and how Hannah took her cares to God ... NOT to the Priest necessarily. She let the Priest know that she was troubled but she WENT to the ALTER to take her burden to the Lord ... she knew that her problem was a God sized problem ... not a Man sized problem. He made the point that so many times we don't take God sized problems to God ... we mope around ... hoping someone at church will notice and that we can be ministered to. Or that we fall into being disgruntled and complaining and always seeking -counsel- but really seeking attention. He pointed out that many times we need to simply take things before the LORD ... and that it's great when a Pastor or minister knows that we are struggling to support us in prayer but that EVERYTHING doesn't need to be known in detail by the Ministry team. THIS was important to me because it shows me that he trusts GOD to be in control ... that he doesn't feel that he must be.

The church is very large ... which at first bothered me. There are about 700 people there on Sundays ... sometimes as many as 1,000. I felt that it would be so hard for us to get involved because of our schedule and it's so easy to be lost in a large crowd. Not so. We spoke to Paster Whit after service Wednesday night ... and this morning he remembered EXACTLY what we had told him and was surprised that we were there. He thought we were working this weekend. May not seem like much ... but it impressed me.

The church is great ... we leave encouraged ... challenged ... and ready to face our Giants. The messages are relevant and that push us ... while being comforting and inspirational at the same time. We've heard several people in leadership speak and that too has been great. Each person has brought solid word and insight. The worship is amazing ... it's ... Home. I am thankful.

As for the rest of my wrestlings this week ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... or maybe I'll just keep taking them to the alter and watch the Lord work as my faith grows.

Speaking of Faith ... Paster Whit touched on that this morning too ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... it was good stuff.

Anyways ... I love you guys. I'm still here ... we are still fighting ... but we know we aren't alone!

Bringing a weekend Warrior to a professional Fight ...

It's been a tough few weeks ... tougher than most ... when I haven't really understood the reason why. Things have been screwy in ways that make no sense and have left me questioning every emotion I feel and every -interpretation- of other's words that I perceive. Any break down in communication that could go wrong, has gone wrong. It's divide and conquer at it's simpliest ... yet most effective. I finally talked to Hoddie yesturday and the pieces just started falling together as we spoke. After we got off the phone, I heard God say ... this Caroline, is what happens when you bring a weekend Warrior to a professional fight. Can I say - ugh ... it was a kick in the gut. One that I sorely needed.

I was reminded of the movie 300 ... it's out on video now if you didn't have a chance to see it in the theaters. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie when the 300 Spartans are leaving out with Leonidas towards the Gates of Thermopalye ... and they meet up with their fellow countrymen, the Arkadians. Their leader complains forcefully that Leonidas only brought 300 men and that the Spartan contribution was not nearly as great as their own. Leonidas responds to the accusations:

Spartan King Leonidas: You there! What is your profession? [points to Arkadian soldier behind Daxos]
Arkadian soldier #1: A potter, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: Hm... and you, Arkadian - what is your profession? [points to another soldier]
Arkadian soldier #2: I'm a blacksmith, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: [turns to his soldiers] Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: Harooh! Harooh! Harooh! [simultaneous, followed and preceded by immediate silence]
Spartan King Leonidas: [turning to Daxos] You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.

Spartans were born for battle, bred for battle, and trained for battle every day of their lives. They were soliders first and all else a distant second. Battle was in their soul ... they were fearless, merciless, and unflinching in the face of the enemy.

I have been an Arkadian in a Spartan needed battle. We are in our own -Hot Gates- right now and I've been a mild mannered CCW by day and a sometimes reckless solider at night. THIS battles calls for the Spartan in me ... and I have responded with an out of shape, poorly equipped Arkadian. There is no excuse. There is no pacifying answer.

For such a time as this ... it is time to lay down the toys ... and take up the seriousness of the call ,.. on this earth AND in the heavenlies! I know that it's time to echo the words and sentiment of Leonidas in this battle - "This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. This is where they die. ... Give them nothing! But take from them everything!" And the words of Queen Gorgo - "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrifice. The price is paid in blood."

It's true, our blood price has been paid ... but that does not mean that there is no demand upon us to fight for the freedom to claim the victory Jesus won. We have battles to wage in the heavenlies for the souls of those who would know HIM and be HIS ... these battles aren't over in an hour and they aren't always pretty. That which is free for the taking from our Savoir cost Him everything ... how can I be willing to pay less of a price.

We sit and speak of spiritual things ... so casually ... so cavalierly as though it's just some simple little moment or two of prayer. The attack is real. The battle is real. And my own casual non-challance has brought me to my knees rather than on my feet ... sword and shield at the ready. My talk is the cheapest of rags this day ... it's training day ... today ... and every day. Though they make their bed in hell ... we will go after them ... praying for them ... reaching to them ... interceeding on their behalf ... standing in the gap ... head bloodied but un bowed ....

It's time to live the words ...

It's all good!

WOW ... I've been so busy lately that I am totally slacking in blog land. Kinda selfish of me in the sense that I feel deprived if you guys don't blog every day ... not that I assume that you're reading MY blog every day ... but I can't demand more than I'm willing to give ... right? ~grins~

Anyways ... we've had a great last few weeks ... a challenging but promising group of boys at the cottage ... a fantastic house guest and spades so hard core that someone might get a contusion one of these nights in the heat of the battle! ~laughing~ We've had some of our old residents come back to visit ... one of our cat's fathers on an extended visit ... more old friends coming this weekend ... a room to paint ... lots of socializing to do ... church ... jujitsu ... and did I mention spades?

In the midst of it all ... of the goodness and the blessed reprieve from my own desert slough ... I did find myself this morning with an I wish list. Not that I'm discontent ... just that I have a few longings that I really hope get fulfilled ... I'd like to think that doesn't mean I'm greedy! ~winks~

My wish list ...

*Reaffirming our wedding vows on our 10th anniversary in December with the Rev. Kevin Thomasson officiating and just our friends present ...

*One long balmy but not hot night on a porch (beach or mountains) with one pipe, two double old fashioned glasses, one bottle of Caol Ila, plenty of 7-up on ice, a pack of Nat Sherman's, some good Scots-Irish music, and conversation with my friend Reed Thomas ... I don't think there is anyone I'd enjoy that time with more ...

*One really balls-to-the-wall Boston trip with Molly and Dan and RJ complete with Fenway Park, a dip in the north Atlantic ... and all the other trimmings ...

*One weekend getaway for just the girls with Jan, Helen, Dar, Cindy, and Julie ... no kids and enough cash to do some impulse spending!

*An endless supply of Brouwerij Westvleteren (Sint-Sixtusabdij van Westvleteren), a beach house, one long weekend, great deck chairs, and Greg and Dan to discuss the finner points of BEER while I just sit at the feet of the Masters and take notes ~laughing~ I can not imagine what the two of them could unearth about beer, life, and quantum physics ...

*A missions trip to Asia with RJ, John & Helen, Dan & Molly, Greg & Jan, Andrew & Dar, Kevin & Christina, Kevin & Bond, Brian & Ashely (RJ's jujitsu sensei & his wife), Shane & Rachel, Rodney & Kim, and Reed & Tab ... I can NOT imagine what an amazing time that would be!

*An afternoon spying on John, Kevin, Reed, Rodney, and Andrew with their kids at the park ... with NO wives present ... ~laughing~ This image just cracks me up for some reason!

*A Shama Shama throw down night of prayer, praise, and ministry with all of the above mentioned folks ... plus THE RICKY, Nick, Monique, Baily, Caleb, and any of the other kids who can stay up that long!

These are just a few ... and I will note that I exercised CONSIDERABLE restraint in not listing Starbucks in any of my wishes *grins* ...

Anyways ... anyone else have a few to add?

My finished Midori

Okay ... finally a real finished picture of my girl. The kanji on the side represent loyalty and passion.

I'm already wondering if there is anything else that I can get! ~laughing~ Actually I think RJ will be next with more work on his back and probably some Warrior stuff added to his arms ... should be pretty neat ... some of the coolest stuff is done in black and grey so I am thinking that's what he'll do.

*Update on the tattoo shop deal with Shane ... we went to look at the place that we believe that God is going to be opening up the doors for ... it was FAR and ABOVE anything to do with the current shop that has fallen through for Shane's shop. One of the things I spoke to he and Rachel about on Sunday was that the current shop is too secluded ... there isn't a way to easily socialize which I believe is going to be a huge part of Shane's ministry use of his business. Shane would be isolated in the back behind two closed doors. The place we looked at tonight has an OPEN floor plan with perfect space for EVERY THING! The plumbing is even already done to accomidate their needs! And perfect places to chill and share with folks who come back to just connect a little bit. We prayed last night that if the current shop wasn't the place that God would give us HIS best ... not what we thought was best ... and tonight ... well ... let's just say ... GOD IS GOOD all the time! We all joined hands and prayed at the new place tonight and asked that if this was the place ... that He would deliver it into Shane's hands and that Shane would give every effort within it to Him. It was amazing. Shane and Ricky were both in tears. Good stuff ...

One Night With the King

Yesturday RJ and I went to church with Shane (our tattoo artist). It was like coming home after being away for a long time. He has been going to the Rock of Greensboro, now called Christian City Church and it was a wonderful experience for RJ and I and our boys from the cottage. It was really neat to see all of the people that Shane has started bringing to church ... we all sat together in one section which pretty much could easily be labled the -tattoo- section. ~laughing~

Most of the folks sitting in our section had piercings, tattoos, different hair or some other socially -outspoken- visual statement, for lack of a better term. We were all treated so warmly ... with so much genuine caring and welcome that it was like a breath of fresh air. The church is very multi-cultural and relevant but it's clearly also a place that welcomes -who so ever would cometh-. It was something else to see some of what our society would view as -radicals- praising God and learning about Him.

I suppose that I would have always thought of myself as one who would be the -nilla- or boring, plain section of the church by visual standards until I came home yesturday and looked in the mirror. I had to laugh, considering what a picture RJ and I must make these days. Me with fuzz on top of my hair, three earrings in one ear, two in the other, rings on my fingers and toes, a silver anklet, and two tattoos barely visible at the hem of my shorts. RJ with two gauged earrings in his ears, no hair, and tattoos in several places including his legs, and a goatee. ~grins~ I suppose to others we don't look so plain or -blend- as easily as we used to. At any rate, it was a fanstastic service and I can't wait to go back.

The message was "For Such A Time As This" and it was highly inspiring as well as challenging. If you haven't taken the time to see "A Night With the King", it might be an interesting sit down for -date night- or some other time. A lot of people think it's a chick flick but I think the message is profound regardless of gender, so guys, perhaps you'll score points with the Mrs. if you sit down and watch it with her! ~winks~

As I was thinking of the message today on my cherished drive to Starbucks for my daily fix of Iced Venti Caramel Macchiato, I confess that I had to wonder how it really applies to my life (both the message yesturday and the message of Esther). The sermon was delivered by an interesting and charismatic fellow named -Rock- and he spoke about the importance of understanding that God will use your gifts and talents for such a time as this to do His work in the Kingdom. He will use whatever means are needed to fulfill his work and that everyone has a purpose that God intends to use in His work. I think the message really spoke to Shane a good deal partially because not many people see a -tattoo artist- as someone who could be used greatly in the Kingdom, you know? I see it as an open mission field personally though and he is certainly bringing people to church and sharing with them. At any rate, Rock also talked about winning our entire generation to the Lord and this obviously ties in with God using whatever talents and gifts that we have in winning this generation to Him.

So ... I look around me and then I read the story of Esther again before starting this blog ... and I confess ... I'm no further along in some aspects of understanding what this really means for me ... but I'm definitely open to hearing from the Lord about it. ~grins~ In the book of Esther we see that there was a time (12 months) of preparation before she was to see the King ... including being oiled with perfumes and myrrh. Of course, we are told that in the Bible oil may be used to signify cleansing, self purification, and annointing. Also of course we know that it was used as a cosmetic because of the arid conditions of the region to keep skin supple and moist. At any rate, we see the time of preparation and then we see that she has ONE night, or ONE occassion in which to be choosen by the King. She will either have his favor or she won't. Interestingly, the Lord, through her obedience gives her favor with the King and she then comes into a position of power.

I have to wonder ... what is my -for such a time as this- Assignment. Is it to reach the kids in our care for the Lord? Is it to follow the part of my heart that longs to go overseas? Is it to discover some hidden thing that I've yet to uncover about myself ... a gift or talent and to use it? I don't know ... yet ...

What is yours?

Words of Inspiration ...

As I was researching quotes for my blog banner ... I started wondering about the quotes that others find inspirational ... from movies to books to public addresses. So ... I'm opening up the floor for contributions. What are some of your favorite quotes (aside from the Bible) that inspire or give you cause to pause and reflect? I'll share a few of mine here ...

-It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. *Anais Nin

-I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. *Anaïs Nin

-War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. *John Stuart Mill

-Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.*A Few Good Men

-Truth is generally the best vindication against slander.*Abraham Lincoln

-When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.*Anais Nin

-And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.*Friedrich Nietzsche

-It is one thing to show a man that he is in error, and another to put him in possession of truth.*John Locke

-Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one. *Friedrich Nietzsche

-You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.*Friedrich Nietzsche

-After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.*Friedrich Nietzsche

- Power Corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.*Lord Acton

-Come quickly! I am tasting stars!*Dom Perignon

-You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.*Margaret Thatcher

-"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."*Galileo Galilei

-"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
*Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

-"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." Sir Winston Churchill

-In True Love one finds Courage*Asian saying

- To see what is right and not to do it is want of courage.*Confucius

-Silence is a true friend who never betrays*Confucious

Nothing At All

Let the whole world fall away
And fall into my arms
Stay with me
I don't know how long we've got left
And so I'm asking you
To forgive me
I learn as I go
To float far away
Into silence
And just watch your face
And find some kind of grace
In that quiet bliss
Where will we go when we get old
When the bustle and the noise
Get too frightening
When each and every angry word
Is banished to the past
That's when I think…
We'll learn as we go
To float far away
Into silence
And I'll watch your face
And read of patience and grace
In each line there
Will you walk into the grave with me
Will you leave this empty world
Soft and wistful
To sink into the dark, dank earth
And never reappear would be blissful
To float far away
Into eternal space
And God's silence
Where I'll watch your face
And find patience and grace
In each line there
Can I stay and say nothing at all.
Work each day, all for nothing at all.
The few words I say they mean nothing at all.
Drift away into nothing at all.
Find the grace to be nothing at all.
Fade away and end up nothing at all. At all, at all, at all.
-Rob Dougan

Waiting for perfection ...

Sometimes I think too much energy and time has been wasted in my life -waiting for perfection- and excusing anything that comes short as simply not perfect yet so it doesn't matter. Sound goofy? Yeah ... I guess it kinda does. I'll try to explain a little bit ...

I've been interested in Asian painting for a while now ... sumi-e (Japanese) and Chinese brush painting. I've spent a pathetic amount of money on books, brushes, rice paper, ink, ink stones, palettes, and paints. I've sat down and STARTED many things. I have not a single solitary picture that I've actually kept to show for my work and efforts. This is not to say that I've spent hours every day at my painting ... but it is to say that I can't even settle on a single piece as remotedly successful even as a -first work-. I have all kinds of fancy rice paper and stuff for when I finally get good enough to actually -create- something worth saving ... but I haven't even been able to be satisfied with the stuff I've done on my cheaper practice paper. I've saved nothing.

I have gone through almost an entire set of paints, a whole ink stick and a whole roll of practice paper. But when I look at it ... I can't find anything redeeming in what I paint. To me it's all glaring imperfection and it's all trash. I spent time ... really trying to create or follow the instructions but at the end of the time ... I only see trash ... nothing worth saving.

It's the same with my poetry. I will write for a season ... decide that it's mostly all garbage and never share it with anyone. I just throw it away or hide it on my computer and never look at it again. It's never good enough to share. It's never anything that I feel that I can -risk- opening up myself for rejection over ... so I reject it first.

I've decided that my artistic frustration/intolerance/cowardous/criticalness is perhaps symptomatic of the rest of my life. Art is a personal creation ... it's an expression of self right? If we aren't happy with ourselves ... we'll never be happy with our creations. Or at least I think that may be true for me. I tend to view myself the way I view my artistic efforts. I reject myself ... I discount me ... I find the imperfections in me and condemn them and myself ... before anyone else can. If that makes sense. I am not kind to myself. Or perhaps I am too indulgent of mistakes as eraseable. Or maybe I'm too afraid of having my mistakes seen so I try to hide them.

Now perhaps I just lack artistic flare. Perhaps I lack that -something- that allows an artist to be free and creative. But perhaps too, I am simply a coward. I am afraid of just being who I am or of just putting down my interpretation on paper ... because then ... someone can critique it and destroy it. If I'm not brave enough to embrace myself ... AND my artistic work ... then I don't give myself room to experience the joy that is supposed to be found in creating something.

I was thinking ... I don't expect much from me ... and perhaps I don't find anything redeeming in my artwork or poetry because then ... failure hurts less. Insults, critical comments, disagreement seems removed and is less personal. And maybe too ... if I always view things as being painted on a canvas that can simply be thrown away when I screw up (which of course I expect to) then ... I don't always make the best decisions. I don't look at the outcomes as being more important ... when sometimes they certainly are. I tend to view too many things as inevitable failure from the start or something that I can simply ball up and throw away or hide on my computer or in a notebook. I don't want the pressure nor do I have the confidence always for a -live- show. Funny how that seems to be ...

More from the Hagakure ...

A few more interesting passages from the Hagakure ...

A Samurai with no group and no horse is not a samurai at all.
p. 32

In China there once was a man who liked pictures of dragons, and his clothing and furnishings were all designed accordingly. His deep affection for dragons was brought to the attention of the dragon god, and one day a real dragon appeared before his window. It is said that he died of fright. He was probably a man who always spoke big words but acted differently when facing the real thing.
p. 38

There is a way of bringing up the child of a samurai. From the time of infancy one should encourage bravery and avoid trivilally frightening or teasing the child. If a person is affected by cowardice as a child, it remains a lifetime scar. It is a mistake for parents to thoughtlessly make their children dread lightening, or to have them not go into dark places, or to tell them frightening things in order to stop them from crying. Furthermore, a child will become timid if he is scolded severely.
One should not allow bad habits to form. After a bad habit is ingrained, although you admonish the child he will not improve. As for such things as proper speaking and good manners, gradually make the child aware of them. Let him not know avariance. Other than that, if he is of normal stature, he should develop wll by the way he is brought up.
Moreover, the child of parents who have a bad relationship will be unfillial. This is natural. Even the birds and beasts are affected by what they are used to seeing and hearing from the time they are born. Also, the relationship between father and child may deteriorate because of a mother's foolishness. A mother loves her child above all things, and will be partial to the childn who is corrected by his father. If she becomes the child's ally, there will be discord between father and son. Because of the shallowness of her mind, a woman sees the chld as her support in old age.
P. 40

To hate injustice and stand on righteousness is a difficult thing. Furthermore, to think that being righteous is the best you can do and to do one's utmost to be righteous will, on the contrary, bring many mistakes. The Way is a higher place then righteousness. This is very difficult to discover, but it is the highest wisdom. When seen from this standpoint, things like righteousness are rather shallow. If one does not understand this on his own, it cannot be known. There is a method of getting to this Way, however, even if one cannot discover it by himself. This is found in consulting with others. Even a person who has not attained the Way sees others from the side. It is like the saying from the game of go: "He who sees from the side has eight eyes." The saying, "Thought by thought, we see our own mistakes", also means that the highest Way is in discussions with others. Listening to the old stories and reading books are for the purpose of sloughing off one's own discriminations and attaching oneself to that of the ancients.
p.26

It's this last quote that reminded me most of the Bible. Though the "Way" spoke of is the Way of the Samurai - Bushido ... I find some applicable parallels to the Bible as the Way in these words. I was first reminded of Romans, Chapter 7.

7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."8 But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I then thought of this passage
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. (Isaiah 64:6)

For the sake of brevity ~laughs~ I'll not include the entire text of an interesting page I found but will reference it here, for any who are interested - Filthy Rags

Basically what I thought was interesting is the fact that the samurai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo comes to the same conclusion in some respects as the writers of the Bible. In our own strength ... in our own way ... righteousness apart from God -- THE WAY is not enough. Even someone who doesn't know the Lord can see the Lord in us. Can learn of the Lord THROUGH us ... and can come to learn of THE TRUE WAY. Our own indignation at injustice is not enough nor is our own resolve to do what is right. Invariably ... we fail on our own power when it comes to executing righteousness. THE WAY of the Lord is far above our righteousness and often defies our understanding ... consider Cubbie's discussions on Dark Grace or Helen's ponderings of the Lord's directives.

While I don't subscribe to the believe that the highest Way is in discusisons with others ... I do agree that discussion can be challenging and enlightening in terms of understanding what the Lord is saying to us and in hearing His voice. It can also come by personal enlightenment however, sometimes our discussions based on personal enlightenment can round out what we believe that the Lord is privately speaking to us. And of course lastly, reading the Bible and scholars of the past is our way of putting off our own discriminations and learning THE WAY that those who walked with the Lord understood.

Just a little food for thought ...

It's Done ...

So ... it's done. The pinkness is gone ... and I'm bald. I can't begin to describe the chorus of emotions that are clamouring inside of me. I can't explain how exposed I feel ... how naked ... how ugly actually.

I can't take it back though ... so I find a way now to mush forward. It's been far more of a sacrifice than I thought. Far more. It was a good week though ... lots of fun with friends ... so much goofing around and joking that tonight was all the more shocking I guess, in it's stark anti-climatic finish. Zip ... it's gone. No novelty ... nothing to deflect the shock ... just ... nothing. ~soft smile~

I'm sure I'll finish my crying by the end of the week ... and it's certainly pushing me to find perspective. There are so many more important things in the world than hair right? So many more crucial things that how someone looks. I am guessing it's easier somehow when a really gorgeous person shaves their hair ... because they still have lots of physical bonuses ... I however am not loaded with physical bonuses to compensate ... yeah ... tough night.

Two last pictures of the pink mohawk crew ... for posterity ...

Classic!

No one says it quit the way Dennis Miller does!

My girl ...

Any one have any idea who in the world this might be?

Without giving it totally away ... I write this post with tears in my eyes. In fact ... right now I can't write it ... I'm going to have to step away from this one for a while just because I'm so overwhelmed with emotion ...

So I'll let you guys take a guess or two at who this gorgeous, talented, intelligent, God-loving young woman is ...

while I just go and thank God a few moments ...

DO SOMETHING

Memorial Day. This Memorial Day we still have at least 2 American Soldiers who are MIA and presummed held by the enemy. There are 3,441 confirmed by the DoD (Department of Defense) Men and Women of our Armed Services in the Iraq War who have died. Around 60,000 died in the Vietnam War, over 135,000 were wounded and there are still 2,099 still unaccounted for (POW/MIA). In the Korean War, 33, 686 died in a combat related death, 92, 134 were wounded, 8,175 unaccounted for included over 4,000 MIAs, and there were 7,225 POWs. In WWII almost 400,000 died and 700,000 were wounded. In WWI over 100,000 died and over 200,000 were wounded.

We all know 591 POW/MIAs came home during Operation Homecoming, but did you know that in September 1972, the General of the N. Vietnamese Army, Gen. Quang, told the North Vietnamese Politburo that they (the North Vietnamese) were holding 1,205 Americans as POWs and only 368 had been acknowledged or were to be acknowledged to the American authorities? The document was uncovered just after Clinton's first inauguration and the first thing his administration did with the document was classify it.

Our nation can never honor enough those who have sacrified their lives for the freedoms we enjoy today. We can never thank their families enough. And we can never thank our Veterans enough for their sacrificial service to our country. As the Average American grows more and more apathetic and indifferent if not outright hostile towards those who serve our country, it's incumbent on us more than ever before to DO something to support our Men and Women of the United States Armed Forces who currently serve as well as the many Veterans who have given so much for US!

PRAY! PRAY! And then, PRAY! I beg you to pray for our marines, soldiers, sailors, and airmen! Pray for those who are returning from War that no amount of military training can prepare you for. Pray for our MIA's and POW's -- that God will supernaturally intervene. Pray for the those still on the ground, facing death with every roll of the tires on their vehicles and in every exposed contact with a national.

ADOPT A SOLDIER, MARINE, SAILOR, or AIRMAN. If you can't commit to adopting one regularly ... then I invite you to join Rich and I in supporting the 5 troops that we have adopted on behalf of our boys in Emergency Care. We send them packages and mail monthly if not more but postage is VERY expensive. We have had many items donated that we can't send yet because we just don't have the funds. The average cost of shipping one package is $25. DO something ... join together with others to donate or adopt a troop as a family project. Let me know if you need links to good places to get an assigned military member.

VISIT a VA facility with your family or alone and THANK THEM! SUPORPRT Legislation and News media outlets that are supportive of our troops and are not seeking to subvert their safety and compromise their mission. Write a letter to your representatives in Government to urge them to pass the bills that will fund our troops so that they may have the equipment and supplies they desperately need.

This year ... do more than take a few moments to consider what holiday allows us to be home from work and soaking up the sun ... barbequing with family and stuff. Really commit to doing something to support those who make our days off in leisure possible. Those who are laying their lives on the line for the defense of our country all over the world. They keep a watch so that we can close our eyes in safety and peace.

Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and curse the Marines; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
-A Few Good Men

From Hagakure - The Book of the Samurai

Hagakure means "hidden by the leaves" or "hidden leaves". It's a collection of writings or a philosophy if you will by the Samurai Yamamoto Tsunetomo. He never saw actual warfare and after the death of his daimyō (master - a great feudal leader - leading figure of a clan - literally means "great name") he was unable to commit the ritual form of suicide following the death of one's master, called junshi, because it was outlawed by his Lord (daimyō). He then became a Buddhist monk and lived out his days writing in near seclusion.

From the Hagakure-

Every morning one should first do reverence to his master and parents and then to his patron deities and guardian Buddhas. If he will only make his master first in importance, his parents will rejoice and the gods and Buddhas will give their assent. For a warrior there is nothing other than thinking of his master. If one creates this resolution within himself, he will always be mindful of the master's person and will not depart from him even for a moment.

Moreover, a woman should consider her husband first, just as he considers his master first.

Pretty interesting in it's own right huh? Now what if we applied a little poetic license and some of that samurai determination and it read a little something like this ...

Every morning one should first do reverence to the Lord and then to others. If he will only make the Lord first in importance, others will give their assent. For a warrior there is nothing other than thinking of the Lord. If one creates this resolution within himself, he will always be mindful of the Lord's person and will not depart from Him even for a moment.

Sounds simple but the message is deep. Very deep. A disciplined life for the Warrior and a determination to always meditate on the Lord keeps us loyal and obedient.

Another --

Being a retainer is nothing other than being a supporter of one's lord, entrusting matters of good and evil to him, and renouncing self interest. If there are but two or three men of this type, the fief will be secure.

If one looks at the world when affairs are going smoothly, there are many who go about putting in their appearance, being useful by their wisdom, discriminations, and artfulness. However, if the lord should retire or go into seclusion, there are many who will quickly turn their backs on him and ingratiate themselves to the man of the day. Such a thing is unpleasant even to think about. Men of high position, low position, deep wisdom and artfulness all feel that they are the ones working righteously, but when it comes to the point of throwing away one's life for his lord, will get weak in the knees. This is rather disgraceful. The fact that a useless person often becomes a matchless warrior at such times is because he has already given up his life and has become one with his lord. ...

Loyalty is said to be important in the pledge between lord and retainer. Though it may seem unattainable, it is right before your eyes. If you once set yourself to it, you will become a superb retainer at that very moment.

Applicable to the modern Christian Warrior? I think so ...

The Way of the Warrior - Bushido

For those of you who are feeling a more Warrior bent to your lives these days ... indulge me a bit? For those who just aren't -feeling it- ... my apologies. This is just one of those posts I feel that I need to make.

As I've mentioned before ... I've studied a good deal about Warriors and Warfare in the past few years. I've studied Asian models of Warriors as well as Greek and Roman models of Warriors. I've looked closely at words such as Hero, honor, obligation, integrity, committment and such. I've looked at how those words apply to the life of a Warrior. My personal favorite IN SPITE of the strong Asian leanings is the life of the Samurai. Not all Men or Warriors of the ancient cultures are selfless ... some more determined by selfish forces than altruistic ones and certainly the Samurai are no exception. However ... I'd like to look at a few parallels if you can set aside the obvious religious or philosophical differences in motivation to see the common ground.

Bushido, literally translated "Way of the Warrior," developed in Japan between the Heian and Tokugawa Ages (9th-12th century). It was a code and way of life for Samurai, a class of warriors similar to the medieval knights of Europe. It was influenced by Zen and Confucianism, two different schools of thought of those periods. Bushido is not unlike the chivalry and codes of the European knights. "It puts emphasis on loyalty, self sacrifice, justice, sense of shame, refined manners, purity, modesty, frugality, martial spirit, honor and affection" (Nippon Steel Human Resources Development Co., Ltd. 329).

From Buddhism, Bushido gets its relationship to danger and death. The samurai do not fear death because they believe as Buddhism teaches, after death one will be reincarnated and may live another life here on earth. The samurai are warriors from the time they become samurai until their death; they have no fear of danger. Through Zen, a school of Buddhism one can reach the ultimate "Absolute." Zen meditation teaches one to focus and reach a level of thought words cannot describe. Zen teaches one to "know thyself" and do not to limit yourself. Samurai used this as a tool to drive out fear, unsteadiness and ultimately mistakes. These things could get him killed.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

For the Christian, we too have motivation that enables us to not fear death and to drive out fear, unsteadiness, and cowardly acts. We have the absolute of all absolutes ... we have an understanding of who our God is ... and of the price ALREADY paid for us by our Lord and Christ, Jesus. We have the same foundational motivations as the samurai though we derive that foundation in completely different ways religiously and philosophically.

Shintoism, another Japanese doctrine, gives Bushido its loyalty and patriotism. Shintoism includes ancestor-worship which makes the Imperial family the fountain-head of the whole nation. It awards the emperor a god-like reverence. He is the embodiment of Heaven on earth. With such loyalty, the samurai pledge themselves to the emperor and their daimyo or feudal landlords, higher ranking samurai. Shintoism also provides the backbone for patriotism to their country, Japan. They believe the land is not merely there for their needs, "it is the sacred abode to the gods, the spirits of their forefathers . . ." (Nitobe, 14). The land is cared for, protected and nurtured through an intense patriotism.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

While more asian philosophies and religious beliefs give the samurai a basis of loyalty and patriotism, we again have the ultimate source of motivation for loyalty. A loving God who has sought us, redeemed us, loves us and will spend eternity with us. A God who deals in grace and mercy is the highest motivational source of loyalty and we believe that our land isn't merely here to be robbed but that it is a part of God's creation and founded on Christian principles.

Confucianism gives Bushido its beliefs in relationships with the human world, their environment and family. Confucianism's stress on the five moral relations between master and servant, father and son, husband and wife, older and younger brother, and friend and friend, are what the samurai follow. However, the samurai disagreed strongly with many of the writings of Confucius. They believed that man should not sit and read books all day, nor shall he write poems all day, for an intellectual specialist was considered to be a machine. Instead, Bushido believes man and the universe were made to be alike in both the spirit and ethics.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

Christians also have strong mandates for the moral relationships in our lives ... including honoring our parents, obeying our parents, loving our spouses, and our relationships with our children and our friends. These are not foreign concepts within the Bible nor within the life of a believer who is dedicated to the word of God.

Along with these virtues, Bushido also holds justice, benevolence, love, sincerity, honesty, and self-control in utmost respect. Justice is one of the main factors in the code of the samurai. Crooked ways and unjust actions are thought to be lowly and inhumane. Love and benevolence were supreme virtues and princely acts. Samurai followed a specific etiquette in every day life as well as in war. Sincerity and honesty were as valued as their lives. Bushi no ichi-gon, or "the word of a samurai," transcends a pact of complete faithfulness and trust. With such pacts there was no need for a written pledge; it was thought beneath one's dignity. The samurai also needed self-control and stoicism to be fully honored. He showed no sign of pain or joy. He endured all within--no groans, no crying. He held a calmness of behavior and composure of the mind neither of which should be bothered by passion of any kind. He was a true and complete warrior.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

While I don't think this especially exemplifies the complete life of the Christian man with regards to emotions and with no mention of Faith or relationship to God ... I do think it's important and profound in defining what a Warrior should be. In times of battle a Warrior must suspend some of his emotions and he must endure what must be endured.

Interestingly, samurai were also known for their poetry and their love of the arts. I am not sure how a completely stoic man can embrace the arts with any love or passion but they were expected to. ~laughs~ There are many other facets of the samurai life that I do not subscribe to and were in deed hard to interpret even for the Samurai. The practice or relationship of shudo or bidō is of course, unacceptable to me. (Endorsed homosexuality among Warriors ... similar to the Greeks). And seppuku - ritual suicide to restore or protect one's honor as a warrior is certainly not necessary to the Christian who by grace may restore right standing with God through the blood of Jesus. Seppuku is also difficult in concept because it sometimes wars with other tennets of Bushido in terms of obligation or honoring parents. Is it more shameful to commit seppuku because of a botched decision in battle ... thereby leaving one's family without a protector and provider or is it better to live with one's shame and still provide for one's obligations?

My point in examinging this is not to give a history lesson on Japanese culture in the Samurai period but to examine concepts that make up the Warrior that we have little teaching on in our own culture. Our culture aside from military training is pretty vague about what morals or codes should guide a Warrior. We are not a Warrior society. Right? The Bible is a great basis for the codes of the Warrior without a doubt ... it'd be great if someone would write a book organizing some of those guidelines - using scripture to prescribe the Way of the Christian Warrior. I think it's difficult because we don't see NT Christianity as a warfare focused formula for life. And in some ways it's not ... still, it's helpful to look at the Warrior side of things in light of how we might gird ourselves for the fight that we will face in the Spirit.

I think that taking a look at other Warrior cultures can be a type of parable or analogy that is helpful in giving us a different perspective of the -fight- and the importance of the principles that make up the Man or Woman Warrior.

Or maybe it's just late and I'm babbling because I can't seem to communicate what I'm trying to say ... maybe I'll abandon this tommorrow ... or maybe I'll gut it out for another post or two. I dunno.

Another few steps in the desert ...

~smiles softly~ I'm still here ... sloughing my way along ... one foot in front of the other. Straining with all of my might to keep my eyes forward ... to keep lifting one foot and placing it ahead ... and then the other.

Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Reading so many people's thoughts causes many of my own to rush up and assail me ... the good ... the beautiful ... the bad ... the confusing ... the overwhelming. I am not sure any more if it's best not to speak or to go ahead and share from this broken place. What do I really have to say anyway? I wonder. I lack perspective right now ... in what I should and shouldn't say. Of course there is no derth of things that I CAN say ... but it's the should and shouldn't that have me tripping over my own feet. ~gentle laugh~ Not a very pretty picture is it? For that I am sorry.

It's rather like a trainwreck isn't it ... all the twisted metal and damage ... but you just can't keep yourself from looking anyways. I just keep telling myself ... even this Lord, You will use one day ... one day even this struggle will somehow be turned to glorify You. And I do believe that ... I'm just ready for the someday to be NOW. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way ... you know?

My heart is heavy for a number of reasons ... though I still see the sun shinning and I do feel the warmth on my face. I am thankful.

I have started the first steps in researching for my biological parents. In and of itself a daunting prospect. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. I think it seems like the right thing to do right now and so I am slowly going to move forward with that.

The missing soldiers in Iraq have been weighing heavy on my heart. I have a POW flag that is on the way right beside my computer here at home. It's been there for almost three years. "You are not forgotten." It gets so easy to forget. I pray that I won't ... I know that those who hold our Men aren't those who believe in mercy or in adherence to the conventions of POW's that we are supposed to embrace. I pray that God will strengthen them and that our nation won't forget them in this time that I can't even begin to imagine -- being at the hands of those who believe in such a gruesome treatment of the "enemy".

Somewhere Out There ...

I have a biological mother who I have never seen nor spoken to that I can recall. I was adopted when I was 7 weeks old, I have no idea how much time I spent with my biological mother ... I'm told, it's likely she never saw me after she gave birth to me.

I have very very mixed feelings about this Mother's Day ... not helped at all by the fact that RJ is still up in Michigan and I really need him here with me. He will be home tommorrow.

Mother's Day ... I spent this week with two phenominal moms. My adopted mother who has been the only Mama I have ever known ... and Helen. It was great to get to spend time with my Mama ... we talked briefly about my adoption but nothing that hasn't been said before ... just remembering how chaotic it was to get a name, put together a nursery and buy clothes for a little girl in one week. ~soft laugh~ That's all the notice they got that they were going to get me. Talk about your instant families huh? Anyway ... it was fantastic to spend time with my Mama and get to talk and talk to her ... do some shopping ... more talking ... more shopping ... you know the drill. I then went to J & H's for Saturday and Sunday morning and then stopped back by my Mama and Daddy's to pick up a few things before heading on home to Thomasville.

It was hard to leave them ... both J & H and my Mama and Daddy. I have this acute need for family right now ... and spending the next 24 hours alone really seems like a nightmare eternity for me. So ... I was driving home and thinking about mother's day. RJ and I don't have any kids ... and I don't have any biological relatives that I know of anywhere in the world. Now, on the one hand that doesn't sound so bad ... until you really start to think about it. Yes, I've had parents that have loved me faithfully and without reservation my entire life ... but consider this ... for all you guys who have children and biological families ... consider just for a moment ... what it might feel like to have NO biological connection with ANYONE in the world. No parents and siblings to look at to see your own features or genetic traits. No children to see your own faces in ... or your own habits in. No one in the world connected to you in any way by blood.

I used to sort of have this common reality with my brother until he got married and had two little girls ... he now has a blood connection. Sometimes I want to ask him so badly ... "what does it feel like to have a blood connection with someone?" ... For someone who has never had that ... it's almost taken on mystical proportions in my own thinking ... I just want to ask someone sometimes who understands ... though my brother probably wouldn't understand. He's a guy and he's never been as outwardly vocal about being adopted anyway.

So it's Mother's Day ... and every one of my friends have turned out to be the most wonderful parents ... and I'm not a parent. My arms ache to hold a baby that came from me ... to know that bond ... to taste it for the first time in my entire life ... but there is no baby. I ache to share that miracle with my husband ... to get a mother's day flower or a goofy hand drawn card from my child ... but there is no child. After almost ten years of marriage ... no children ... no blood connection ... ~sighs~

I don't ever say it ... how I feel ... about being childless and biologically unconnected ... not really how I feel. Not about how lost I still feel at my age ... not about how I ache from an abandonment I've never understood. Not how I feel like I'll never be loved enough. Not about how I am sure anyone who does say they love me will certainly leave me ... or that God will take them away. Not about my failure to even give my husband a child. Not really ... sometimes there just aren't any words.

Don't get me wrong. I believe God gave me the best parents I could have ever hoped for. I believe He designed my family in a unique and purposeful way. I had a great childhood and I am very very thankful. But just because I am thankful ... and just because I believe God gave me my family in a special way ... does not erase the REST of how I feel.

I think I realized driving home today ... that I feel like a failure. And I think I always have ... maybe that's why I try so hard ... and then fail so miserably. Why else would I be so alone (biologically) in the world? It's not really what I think consciously most of the time ... but unconsciously ... maybe that IS how I feel sometimes. I realized today that I'm always waiting for the rejection ... kind of with my shoulders hunched to absorb the blow of rejection that I know will come. I think I'm not worthy of love or worth loving. And if the rejection doesn't come ... sometimes I still get so afraid of it ... that I just run away so that it doesn't get me first ... so if I control the loss ... it might be somehow less painful to me. But I'm always sure it's coming. It's really humiliating to say that ... even just type it. Rather pathetic really but today is a brutal day anyways so maybe if I'm honest about it ... something will break. And maybe ... I dunno ...

The craziest part? God has given me the most amazing husband who has never, ever, ever rejected me ... and yet ... I still wake up so many times and think ... maybe it will happen today.

Prolly I'll be deleting this pretty quickly ... I dunno ... it was probably way too much for a blog ...

A few words to my fellow Warriors ...

Hoddie, if ever there was a gift in my life that I didn't deserve ... besides RJ ... it's you. You have the spirit of a LION and I can never EVER EVER thank You enough for everything that you've given to me. You have a tenacity that calls to my own spirit and makes it impossible to forget who I'm meant to be ... I love you for not flinching ... for not falling back ... for never EVER failing to jump into the fray with me. You are the Jesus with skin to me that will NOT let me quit even when everything in me screams to give up. I could not possibly love you more!

J., You and Cubbie have always been the Warriors of my own heart in so many ways. I thank God for you my Mighty in Battle Brother. You have no idea what the love and support of your family has meant to me and You have no idea what YOUR own never say die spirit has inspired in my own. When I pray for you these days ... I have this very vivid image of you in full battle armour ... sweating ... dirty ... a bit breathless ... but ever on point ... your sword in hand ... ready ... . I remember one time you telling me that you will do whatever you have to do to protect your family and that I was included in that family ... and I feel the prayers of your Warrior spirit and I know that you've come to feel again that fire and passion and steel determination that is YOU. I am proud of you my precious friend and Brother. I respect you ... more than you know.

Cubbie ... lately you've been drilling me so hard I've been dumb and speechless. I can't express to you how profoundly God is using you in my life ... how much you are His mouthpiece to me as I struggle through some of the hardest stuff in my life. Stuff you and I haven't talked about ... I know you have no idea ... which tells me more than anything that Holy Spirit is using you in a mighty way. J and I laughed about it today ... how on point you've been. I didn't realize until recently how much I have needed you in my life still Cubbie and how thankful I am that God is so faithful to bring us to the place we need to be in ... whenever we are ready to hear Him. I hear Him in you ... and I love you both for the speaking!

Reed ... like water to a thirsty soul ... you have NO idea how your words have given me life lately. The first time you posted to my blog I had been looking for you on the net ... I was unable to find you but ... funny ... Daddy God had other plans. How I long to sit across from you with a cup of coffee or a mountain dew and some sunflower seeds and just pour my heart out ... because you ... how do I explain ... ? It feels like Daddy God is speaking to me himself with loving mercy and grace when I read your words. I can't explain it but everytime I read a post from you ... to anyone ... my eyes fill with tears and I can't seem to contain them. I still need you in my life ... probably more than I needed all those challenging intellectual debates of the past ... . You have a profound gentleness and wisdom in your words my friend ... I beg you to never forget that balm that a few words from you might be to a thirsty, hurting soul.

Rodney ... isn't it funny that sometimes God's gifts come to us in the most unusual ways. I feel like God has given me a new gift ... in your words to me. You have been more encouraging and comforting to me in a very difficult time than you can begin to imagine. YOU remind me that God still loves me enough to bring not only old friends into my path but to also give new voices to challenge and lovingly guide me along. I can never thank you properly ... but please know that your words are like gold to me ... precious and treasured.

Jan and Greg ... You remind me daily of the love and mercy and grace of God. I can't tell you how good it has been to see the pictures of your family and read about how your life is. It blesses me ... it makes me grateful ... that you still love me ... thank you.

I am humbled ... and thankful tonight ...

litergical expressions to God

I have spent the morning reading various websites that you guys have included in your favorites and I have a question for ya'll ... just a curiousity but I'd appreciate your feedback ...

How important are litergical expressions in your relationship with God?

Most of us "cut our teeth" so to speak on a free style of worship and church that does not embrace much of litergical experience. There are times after having been raised in the Methodist church that I tend to disdain the repetitions and order of the service week after week as boring. HOWEVER, I also can see some of the point that under the guise of reaching out or being "seeker friendly" many churches that I know of or have attended today have completely thrown out any litergical experience as stilted or not giving a free flow to the Holy Spirit.

I believe that as times change so do some of God's methods but I have to wonder how the "great" protestant leaders of our past found there way to inspire the freedoms we have today without jammin or "moving" praise and worship and in the midst of a litergical order within the chruch every time they met. Are there keys ... or insights that we have thrown out in our "free style worship" that could teach us and comfort us today? I have to wonder as I consider all the various things I read this morning.

There was a time when I reveled in the "freedom" of the Spirit and loved a service that was so "God directed" that we never knew where it was going. Clearly a strict litergical formate, in my mind at least doesn't give much room for some serious corporate manifestion of the Spirit. I always have sort of discounted that approach as worshipping the order rather than the living God while I see alot of people who dismiss a free flowing service as worshipping the "experience" rather than our Lord and Savior, Jesus and our Father, God. So I am pondering now ... where do the two meet and is it wise to simply give ourselves over to format OR whatever goes?

I do find that I miss and long for the discipline of some sort of ritual or reverent approach to God. I find myself thinking wanting to wash and take off all of my jewlery before I go into an intense time of prayer or study. I find myself longing for some sort of differentiation in my time with God from the whole Jesus is my Buddy mentality. When I look at the old scriptures and some of the wording of the old Creeds ... I realize that I have so personalized God that I have lost some of the Old Testament awe and fear and trembling of an AWESOME GOD. I tend to look at my relationship with the Lord strictly on casual terms and I don't find myself wholly comfortable with that either. It sometimes feels like we have made God such an intimate Father that we have lost some of that reverence that makes us truly fall to our knees in awe and trembling of the Magnificence of God. Does anyone else know what I mean?

I don't feel that it's coming out well but perhaps I will develop a better way to express it later. I think there is something about waking up and reciting and creed and taking communion daily ... alone with God before I enter into my personal prayers that appeals to me. It feels respectful and I am finding a longing for that. There was a time when I would daily take communion and recite the Apostles Creed at the beginning of my prayer time ... I would sprinkle a few drops of annointing oil into the juice or wine and it was a very personal yet holy and reverent time. The soberness of the ceremony coupled with my personal prayer time reminded me of both God's intimacy with His people AND His own worthiness to be worshipped and respected.

Worship began out of a reverent and holy act TOWARDS God ... not for what we felt afterward or even during ... but as an act of awe and respect and adoration to our God. Sometimes it feels so ... casual now that maybe it does seem almost a bit profane. I realize we no longer need ritual or priests or sacrifices of animals to come to the Father ... but I do wonder if we don't approach the Lord a bit insultingly casual at times.

Amazing God ...

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and
You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and
You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and
You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

-Chris Tomlin

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same ...

Tonight Exit Rite came to church to lead worship for the kids and they sang this song. It's not the first time I heard it but tonight when I heard that phrase ... You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same ... I broke down in tears. It just really hit me that nothing I've done has escaped my Father's gaze. Nothing I've felt in my heart has been a mystery or a suprise to Him ... AND HE LOVES ME THE SAME! He loves me the same then as He does now.

I don't mean to say that He approves of the sin in our lives but the fact (yes I've heard this a million times before but hearing it and realizing it are often two very different things) that He LOVES me the same ... regardless of where I am ... it astounds me.

The other day I was on the phone with Hoddie talking about a struggle I was having over how to let some things go and she prayed for me ... when she started praying Psalm 139 I was dumbstruck ... it was like I heard the words for the first time as she prayed them and I realized then too a glimpse of His message to me ...

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there ...

if I say surely the darkness will hide me and light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you.

Yes I've heard it, I've read it, I've said it to other people but it's dawning on me now in a new way ... in a way that is humbling and comforting and astounding all at the same time.

He sees ... He has always seen ... and He loves me the same ... it's never changed ...