How Great ...

So I'm sitting here fighting tears with all that is within me as I make CD's to send to our -adopted- troops overseas in the war. I got a letter from one yesturday and I plan to transcribe it here because ... nothing does it justice like his words. I cried for two hours when I read it ...

Every song that plays has such a different feel to it as I burn this CD when I consider that it will be heard (hopefully they will listen, pray that they do) by men fighting every day a half a world away. Newsong's version of How Great Thou Art just played and it was all I could do not to just collapse on the floor. I can't begin to explain how profoundly this project to support the troops has affected me. As I read more and more about the -unpopularity- of this war and how people are starting to treat our troops ... I feel more of a burden now than I did 4 years ago to support our troops. They are coming home with scars ... with things in their heads that only God can give them peace about ... and they are coming home more and more vilified and that breaks my heart!

This is just unspeakably hard for me right now ... wrestling with my own relationship with God and trying at the same time to figure out what He would have me say and send to these guys ... it's ... hitting me in a way that I really can't explain. I hear this music and think what will it say to them and at the same time ... it's like it's speaking to me too ... for the first time. It feels imperative ... I don't know how else to put it. I feel like something inside of me is colliding and it's ... beyond words right now. I don't know how else to try to describe it ... and I know this babbling just doesn't do it justice.

I am so thankful for Helen ... for Dar ... for Cubbie ... for Johnny ... they are encouraging me more right now than they have ANY IDEA ... more than I think ever in my life. I don't feel alone ... but I feel ... a grieving inside of me ... a calling ... a screaming ... a pleading? The thought that I am not alone is very comforting right now ... though nothing really touches me too close to take away this ... THIS ... and I don't think anything is supposed to. I just feel blindsided by it all though ... and I'm scared ... but there is this joy there too ... clawing it's way out of me from somewhere ... and then the tears start again ...

God ... help me ...

Cubbie

It's funny how God works ... how for so long you can forget something or just let it sit in the back of your mind ... and then God once again brings it right in your face and reminds you ... His gifts are important. His gifts aren't fleeting.

I got another gift last night ... I got to speak with my old dear friend Cubbie. It was so amazing to talk to Him. To hear that He's a FATHER! And to hear the happiness in His voice with His beautiful wife and family. It made me smile ... and cry ... with joy for Him and with joy for all of us ... to get to hear His -voice- again. He's so grown though! *L* ...

And then this morning as I was cruising around after putting away the groceries for the cottage and I saw His comment to J and then got to His blog ... I had to laugh. Just sit down and cry and laugh because that sense of humor that was always so beautiful ... was just right there in His links section ... . And as I laughed and laughed ... I read what He wrote about our call last night ... and His comment that we never really parted ... and now I'm crying again with the truth of that statement.

I am thankful today ... really really thankful. For my friend Cubbie, His beautiful family ... and for the ties that only God could forge that could bind all of us ornery people together for so many many years.

love to You and the family Cubbie ... they are so beautiful!

C

does saying i am proud sound patronizing?

So I took some time tonight to read J & Hoddie's blogs and RJ's too ... and I realized as I was reading ... I am so proud of them. I hestitate to say that because I had nothing to do with anything that moved me that they wrote ... but just as people I have known and loved a long long time, I am so amazed by their insights, their determination and their growth -- and I am proud of them ... of the people they've become.

I have really been enjoying Hoddie's blog posts and my talks with her on the phone. I am so blown away sometimes by her professionalism and maturity and insight. I find her words to be insightful and encouraging and tempered ... it makes me wonder if I will ever grow up and find my own temperance *L*. She encourages me ... just in the living of her life and in the way that she is honest about her struggles. She doesn't overspiritualize things ... yet her life is one of spiritual committment and devotion. She is probably one of the very most REAL girlfriends I've ever had in my life. Undoubtably one of the very most faithful to me when I've been so woefully faithless to her. I don't think she will ever realize her value in my eyes and my gratitude in her devotion and long suffering of our friendship. She is a treasure that only grows more precious as I take the time to see her and listen to her. I am so thankful that she had far more determination and faith in -us- than I've had. Now I hope to begin to culture that some level of devotion and faithfulness back to her!

J ... what can I see. There was a time I saw Him with all stars ... I saw everything that I thought He could become and I saw everything He wouldn't do to make it so. Then ... I grew far away from Him and I saw only that He didn't seem to care. Seemed so out of touch. I wondered so often about all the things I -thought- He was supposed to be and I wondered if maybe I was wrong about what I projected on Him. This is not to say that He wasn't always a good person but He became so ... -far away-. I am not talking about the distance that came as He found His wife and later as I found my Husband. I am not talking about He and I not being close any more ... I mean there was just a distance ... an emotional unavailability that seemed to surround Him for so long. It was ... hard to explain. I held out so much hope ... but honestly ... I held out as much concern for Hoddie as anything. I know that she never failed to see the Man God intended Him to be ... I just wondered what it was going to take to get Him there. I pray that IF He reads these words that neither of them will be offended with me for saying this. These are just my thoughts as I've been astounded with what I now see in Him.

I have spent a great deal of time over the past few years growing to embrace a Warrior mentality. Growing to understand the need for fierce and passionate Men who were both strong and devoted. I have grown to appreciate the unflinching, unapologetic nature of a powerful Man ... of a Warrior. The Man who understands His responsibilities and meets them without flinching ... yet can hold His wife and children with the most tender of touches. The Man who is honorable ... who has integrity ... who is strong ... who is determined ... who is UNAFRAID. This is the -Man- that I've come to understand is missing in most of the world around us. So many Men are so checked out ... rather than lead ... the seek to escape ... into sports games on TV ... video games ... yard work ... work on their cars ... anything that keeps them from the intimacy that brings them a fulfillment that nothing else can. Of course they are able to avoid failing and letting someone down because they just keep themselves removed. And yet, they aren't leading ... they aren't powerful ... they are starving those around them of the very things their women and children need.

Ughh ... I'm off track. I say all this to say ... I see the Warrior in my friend that I have always suspected but not glimpsed so well until now. I see someone who is waking to a call ... to a Battle ... to a duty ... it's like He is just rising ... just stretching His limbs ... but I sense strength and determination in Him that I haven't sensed in a long time. Perhaps because we have all be so long parted. I am excited for my friend ... I am proud of Him. I see Him moving outside of Himself again ... maybe for the first time ... in a new way ... even just reading His comments to RJ and I ... I have to smile ... I know in my heart ... my friend IS a Warrior!

RJ ... who on this earth would have stood by me for 10 years but He who has a love for me that ONLY God could give a Man. I am still amazed when I look into His eyes to see the love and attraction that is reflected there. He knows every flaw ... every unfaithfulness ... every blemish ... every unattractive thing ... every failing in me ... and still ... He loves me. I have not been the wife to Him that He has deserved. I have not been the wife to Him that I can be ... that I want to be. Yet ... He is here ... He holds me ... He kisses me ... He works beside me. His complaints about me are so rare that it shames me. He has more reasons than I could ever count to be critical of me ... to complain about me ... to find fault with me ... to leave me ... and yet ... He stays ... and He loves me. I never ever thought in all my years of wanting a Husband ... of wanting someone to be FIRST with ... that I'd be the one to fail so badly ... yet I have been. And He's still here ...

This Man astounds me. I am humbled and I am shamed.

despair

So I'm sitting here listening to the guy who led me to the Lord preaching ... it's his radio broadcast from his church. And I find myself devastated. Not because of anything except I have realized how far I have fallen. How much I have lost. How little I know about how to get it back. I am so crushed.

C

300

So RJ and I went to see 300 this weekend ... after a bit of arm twisting on my part. I had read Gates of Fire by Stephen Pressfield so I was a bit more up to date on what the movie was about than RJ, however, He was a real trooper! It was fantastic! It was pretty graphic and undoubtably violent, however, I think rightly so (the violence aspect) given what occured at the -Hot Gates-.

It was a mostly computer generated movie so it had a rather strange -feel- to it, however, I really liked most of it alot. I wasn't aware at the time that 300 was based on a comic by Frank Miller about the Spartans and their stand against Xerxes at Thermopylae. I disliked some of the more graphic sexual scenes, thankfully there were only two and they didn't show actual intercourse, only erotic imagry.

I think the reason I loved the movie so much is frankly, I love the story. I love the fact that it's about a stand against an oppressor that outnumbered 300 free men of Sparta, by hundreds of thousands. In spite of overwhelming odds, those men choose to fight and die free rather than bend their knee to worship Xerxes and serve him in bondage as slaves or vassels. They explified so many things about men that I think we have -progressed- out of them. They were strong, fierce, courageous, committed, unflinching, fearsome, determined ... so many strong characteristics that we can see from men of history are not lauded any more. They are presented as barbaric and uncivilized now.

Men in our society have become so emasculated and weakened by politcally correct passivism that it's really disheartening and disturbing to me. Our -popular- media culture tells us that men who are too strong, men who are too powerful in the leadership of their families, men who are alpha are to be -corrected- ... lack sensitivity ... lack culture ... . It's become almost impossible for alpha men in our western culture to manifest their dominant and powerful leadership because we have created a culture that lauds and celebrates the weak ... the passive ... the apologetic.

Feminism has driven our culture to a point that men must apologize for being men and for having natural drives of dominance. Women must apologize for being submissive to those dominant drives and must compete on an artificially constructed -even playing field- corporately that causes them to be more stressed, more dissatisfied, more unfulfilled than they have ever been before. And then we have the children who suffer most for the skewed apologetics that our society demands of strong men now - absentee fathers, divorce rates through the roof ... mothers at work and never at home (either due to economic necessity, absentee fathers, or their own ambition) ... it's no wonder our country is in such a mess. Men can not be men ... women won't let them ... society and the media won't let them ... and they have virtually given up all of their natural dominant rights to languish in the mediocrity that our society encourages. Standing out ... working hard ... setting an example really isn't even encouraged any more. Just do -enough- and go on home. That's it.

Oh for the days of 300 ... when Men were strong and fought with no apologies to protect their families, their homes, their country ... their freedom. And when women were PROUD of that strength ... not putting themselves up to compete with it ... or squelch it because they wanted their own power.

Ughhh ... for the days when Men would face great great odds to remain free. Sometimes I wonder what this country will have to come to before Men are able or -made- to rise up as Men again ... and women will have to take their rightful place, not as competitors who can do anything a Man can do and better by god ... but as compliments ... one to the other.

taken for granted

As I look over my few posts here and read J & H's responses ... I find myself crying every time. With gratitude and with shame -- equal parts. Shame that I haven't been nearly the friend that they have deserved and gratitude that somehow, some way ... they still find love in their hearts for me. I know that I need them ... not a life sucking need ... but a challenge need ... I need them because they love me enough to shoot straight with me ... I need them because in spite of all the mistakes I believe we were all God ordained to be in each other's lives.

I need them because they believe in God in me ... even when no one else in the world has a clue that HE might even be in me at all.

I have enough regrets to equal a hundred millstones I think ... and they all feel like they are tied around my neck ... but I know ... I can't give up now ... no matter what ...

This weekend was rough ... things are just so tender for me with my Mom and Dad I can't really even write about them. I need to find some new comfort/inspirational music. I've been away from listening to most Christian music for so long I don't even know who to look for. I need to tap some sources I think.

I got some plants last night for the cottage and planted them this morning after my only boy went to school. Lavender and some other decorative plants for the kitchen (if the lavender will thrive there), tulip bulbs in a big wooden barrel for the courtyard, and a wandering jew plant for the staff office. I also got another bamboo bunch to go with my new dish garden and my big teacup planter in the dinning room. Hopefully they won't die.

I also got my workspace set up in the extra bedroom to paint. I am very happy about this. I need to find a desk that I can set up at home and tackle our second bedroom to weed out the junk and make it a peaceful workspace. I may never really have any talent for this sumi-e painting but ... I want to try. I need to try.

I need to fill out some paperwork this morning for requisitions for our flower beds and for painting supplies for our rocking chairs. Hopefully we can revive them a bit and spruce up the cottage some more.

We are getting a new admission this afternoon and another new admission tommorrow so it should be a busy week coming up, with new kids to teach the ropes to! I am not so thrilled to have another 9 yeard old in the cottage because they are generally pretty difficult, however, with our low numbers, I can hardly complain *L*. At least we don't have 8 or 9 kids right now!!!!!!

I need to remember to get the book over to Marisa today too. I don't know what I will say ... breast cancer. Everything I try to think of saying seems so ... trite and frivolous. I will hopefully think of something.

I read Helen's blog and I find myself wondering ... what IS it that God has given birth to through Helen ... she is too vague! I shall have to rebuke her! Ho YES!

the flood

Right now I feel like I'm in the path of a flood of thoughts ... ideas ... convictions ... desires ... I don't even know really where they are coming from. For so long I've lacked any drive at all to get things done or to try to grow. I've just been -content- for lack of a better word to just exist.

But suddenly I can't shut my eyes without floods of thoughts pouring in ... I am not even sure where to start ... so I guess I'll start here with a list ...

*Work on reunion: "Ecclesiastes Project" (more to come)

*Set up a desk at work & desk at home for my painting

*Paint rocking chairs at work

*landscaping courtyard and side porch at the cottage

*getting bills more organized and prepare to itemize - medical expenses notebook

*work on "In the Potter's Hands"

*more plants in my life

*two times a month pics of the kids for mantle

*Adopt a soldier/platoon mission

*keep up with my blog

*more family time

*visit John & Helen and Andrew& Dar very soon

*go to Cherokee and see Randy & Janet


I feel like every time I close my eyes I get some new thing growing that I need to work on ... I haven't been this inspired to actually -do- anything in years.

Now ... will I drop the ball on it all or will I actually see it come to pass ... ?

Where do i belong?

Just ... WOW

Timing is such an interesting thing ... it's so easy to write off as random or chance that which is honestly very God ordained! Reading about J and Hbombs situation ... I find myself again humbled. What a tremendous job and responsibility being a parent is. What a glorious thing when a child has Christian parents.

Yes I know our goal is that our children won't sin ... but in this world ... filled with fallen man and a very sinful condition ... just as it's important to hope and pray and teach so that they won't sin or fall ... I think it's JUST as important to teach them how to cover from falling ... how to shake off the sin that so easily besets us. We have to equip today's young people not only with the guide and compass for right decisions, but the model of how to recover from wrong decisions. I have so much respect for J & H's approach to their situation. It was brave, unflinching, and it was instructive. They gave their son something very very imporant ... they gave Him godly instruction and modeled Godly sorrow and repentence WITH him.

Rich and I are going to be leaving work for a few days to head to Raleigh. Mama called last night and just kept saying, "Can you come this weekend" ... soo we decided to appeal to work to be allowed to leave for a few days. We will be leaving this afternoon and returning Sunday afternoon. I am really thankful that we are being given the time to go. I feel like Mama really needs us.

This time I am determined to pack the camera and not hide from it either! *L*. I am taking my sumi-e painting in hopes that Mama and I can work on some together. I think she might end up getting into it! She is such an amazing artist anyways. At the least, it will be something for her and I to do together! Daddy didn't recognize my voice when I called yesturday.

Hoddie, as for the Group link to the Potter's hands ... look over on the left side of my page here under links ... there is a link already set up for it ... click the link, then request to join please! Both you and J ... I'll call you tonight or tommorrow!

Gettin something started ...

Soooo I couldn't sleep this morning ... too much on my mind. I decided to get up and root around the net for an interactive place to maybe start some -old school- dialouge. I checked out both MSN and Yahoo for groups or clubs space, and I think I prefer Yahoo, of the two.

So this morning I started In the Potter's Hands which is a yahoo group hopefully for us old and scattered friends to rejoin and begin to rediscover some old challenges and re-ignite some passion that has maybe slipped away for some of us.

I am hoping that someone will decide to step up and take responsibility for In the Potter's Hands as a type of ministry outreach. I do not feel at this point that I am even close to capable of trying to do more than get a fire started. I can't pretend that I'm in any place to lead ... I really really need some help following at this point.

So, I am hopeful. Maybe for the first time in a long time ... let's see where it goes ...

I'm trying to plant a seed ...

Going a Little Overboard

So, there are days when things get a little crazy right? I had that kind of day the other day ... and as a result, a giant package was delivered to my door this morning. The package was from Barnes & Noble. Inside:

A Step from Heaven
Black Lotus
Chinese Mirror
Comfort Women
Customs and Etiquette of Korea
For Matrimonial Purposes
Fox Girl
Geisha
Inheritance
Lucky Gourd Shop
Memory Keeper's Daughter
My Name is Red
Snakes and Earrings
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan
The Concubine's Tattoo
The Kite Runner
The Laws of Evening
The Living Reed
The Samurai's Wife


I am expecting another package tommorrow with three more books. So ... any guesses as to what I'll be doing in the next few weeks? Honestly ... I can't wait. We are stuck at work until the 27th of March to cover for our void in teammates so this will be a great time to dive in to some serious reading. Most of the books are about Asia which really interests me. I'll write up some reviews when I'm done!

The next three books that are coming are Japanese Poetry books. Talk about some incredible stuff! WOW!!!

Some pics

Above: Rich, upclose and intimidating ~laughs~

Above: Rich's most recent tat, this makes 5 for him and yes, those ARE earrings in his ears -- he got them gauged last year, those are 10's.

Above: My mermaid tattoo on my left thigh, this is #2 for me

Above: Richard and my other two favorite boys, Pppete and Nicolai

Finding my glasses

So I realized today that I've made a good number of mistakes in my life ... but probably the most critical one was letting go of the very true and genuine people who have loved me for me in my life. I have spent so much time in self hate it's ironic to me how far I have pushed away those who have always truly loved me far beyond what they could see with human eyes. I have spent so much time wishing for a love and exceptance that won't come from anyone but God ... and I have lost so much of the love that I was blessed with ... because of my own self loathing and my own hurts.

It's been almost 10 years since Rich(RJ) and I have attended church. It's been almost 10 years since I've really talked to God. Amazing really. Today, I sat down and started looking for people as they came across my mind or in my heart ... people that I had lost touch with over time. And ... I started calling them ... I don't even really know why. It seems silly sometimes to say ... "Hi, haven't talked to you in 10 years, just wanted to say hey" but I think it's a start. Maybe.

I called Randy Miller who is a Pastor up in Cherokee. It seems like yesturday He was knocking on our door and grinning like a slightly mad man and inviting us (Leanne & I) to church. He sure did know way more than she and I did at the time about what God was up to. I sure hope His conversion experiences with others have been easier than the one He had to deal with, with me!

I called Helen and Johnny ... I can't quite explain the shame I feel at not having been in touch with them more. They have been the best friends that Rich and I have had together and we haven't laid eyes on them in over three years. And have talked not nearly enough. It always amazes me though that when we do talk ... we can dive right in to what is going on at the moment ... without having to have a lot of catch up ... it's like things just pick up where they left off. I am so thankful for that!

I called Juan today. It was great to talk to him and hear news about the family. So hard for me to realize that Andrew has already graduated from Highschool and is living on His own in Chicago. Holy cow kids grow up!

I called Billy & Julie and Andrew & Dar but wasn't able to get in touch with either of them. Hopefully I'll hear back from them in the next few days. It's pathetic that we live an hour from Charlotte and it's been years and years since I've seen or talked to them. Hopefully that will change.