Got some extra prayers???

Hey ya'll. I'm unsure where to put this ... on my blog or here ... but I guess I'll put it in both places to cover it all and so my request can be seen by my amazing friends!

Some of ya'll know that I've had uveitis for the past four years or so ... which requires me to get steriod injections into my eyeballs to keep it from causing permanent blindness. Last Monday (a week and change ago) I had to go in to get another shot ... my right eye is almost completely clouded over with cells and my vision in both eyes is suffering tremendously. I was informed at that appointment that they could no longer give me the steriod injections ... there is ongoing permanent damange occuring in my eyes and they strongly insisted on a more agressive treatment. Previously the doctors had hoped that they uveitis which is an auto-immune deficiency disease, would simply burn itself out as it sometimes does. It hasen't.

Starting 10 days ago, I have embarked on an aggressive and potentially highly risky treatment schedule that involves a projected two year cycle of chemotherapy and immunosuppressants. Additionally I am on an aggressive course of steriods to attempt to deal with the current flare in my right eye that prevents it from dialating at this point. The goal is to take my immune system down to zero ... as one of my kids said ... "Oh you are going to have medically induced AIDS" ... and in a sense he is correct.

The course of treatment ...the timeline and potential side effects is daunting at best ... horrific at worst ... in my mind if not in my body yet. I have many fears and whys swirling inside me concerning this ... some dreams I think I'm going to have to let go of ... and alot to come to grips with in the course of feeling so incredibly vulnerable. I covet your prayers guys ... more than I can say.

I am struggling with this aweful sense of failure and I find that I'm having a hard time sharing this news with anyone ... I am humiliated and I can't really explain why. I guess a part of me feels like ... it's always me ... needing something ... screwing something up ... failing. Just before I went to the doctor this time I REALLY thought God had healed my eyes ... so ... it's an especially tough blow to find that it wasn't so ... yet. I felt more sure that I ever have in my life about physical healing ... so ... I just don't fully -get- it.

My church has been AMAZING! They have been positive ... supportive ... encouraging ... unflinching! We have to miss church half the month while we are at work but managed to get there last Wednesday night ... I needed that so badly ... God is so very good ... even when we don't understand.

Anyways ... that's where I'm at ya'll ... and again ... here I am ... humbled ...

I love ya'll!

Paul Potts

This is Paul Potts. He was bullied and picked on tremendously when he was growing up and as a result ... he lacked self confidence. He had performed in four amateur productions singing opera before this audition on the British equivalent of American Idol ... however he never believed enough in himself to think that he could actually make a career as a singer. He simply said that growing up his voice was his only friend. He took three months of opera lessons because he loved it ... then summoned up the courage to audition on The X Factor.

Watch the judges faces when he comes out and announces that he is going to be singing opera ... then watch their reactions as he performs! I watched this clip at a church my family attended when on the road to my uncle's funeral in Florida. At my brother's suggestion my Mom, Daddy, brother and I went to a non-denominational church outside of Savannah Georgia.

The Pastor that day spoke about the gifts and talents that God puts inside of each of us ... that we must summon the FAITH and courage to express. He talked about how we may not LOOK like we have a great deal to offer based on the world's standards but that God puts amazing gifts inside each of us. You can't always judge a book by it's cover!

Please watch ... this is one amazing video!

C.

Twittering and other rambling ...

Ok I got this flipping Twitter thing turned on ... maybe it's late or I hooked it up wrong or something BUT ... I'm totally lost dudes! ~laughs~ Perhaps it will blossom in time to actually make some sense to me. Hopefully my cell bill won't blow up from all the txting!

Today was an exciting day ... RJ up at 4:45am to go to morning prayer with the Mens and we were back at the church tonight for Womens Warrior time and Praise and Worship practice of RJ. It was a great time all in all ... AND we got rid of two of our 6 kitties tonight. I was sad to see them go but it is TIME and necessary!

It's been great having the time to read blogs from Cubbie, Jan & Greg, and John and Helen lately! It's especially neat to read blogs about what is happening in other churches ... the sameness of the messages ... the confirmation of God's heart for our world. I've had a lot on my heart prayer wise lately ... so I can't wait to read the good reports from everyone concerning what God's doing in your parts of the world. Love you guys!

Caroline

Okay Okay Okay ...

You high tech people have me completely comfabulated and I am feeling every bit of my 40 years as I try to figure out feedburners, feedreaders, and this flipping twitter thingie. I did some tweaks on my blog settings soooooo maybe that will allow this feedie thing ya'll want and if not ... please give me the Feeder for Dummies version of instructions so I can make you guys happy! ~grins~

As to the twitter thing ... I confess ... I just do NOT get it. I went to the site ... and joined with a name ... but I have NO idea what the purpose of it is and how it is something that seems even remotely more than a whole lot of effort. Maybe I am missing the point. Soooo for the Fullers who are so twitterpatted that you are true believers converts ... could you elaborate a bit on what's the point and how it works ... again ... the Twitter for Dummies version with examples would be great. Hoddie ... I watched the little blurb video on your blog for twitter and yep ... I still didn't get it ... doh! So can you work with me here? Just a little guys? I'm game but I'm missing the deal somehow.

Are these little twitter things on a specific site that you have to visit ... do they come to you as emails ... what's the deal?

C

Just can't do it justice ...

Ughhh ... chruch this morning was fantastic ... Pastor Whitt's message was challenging and right on time. I find myself completely frustrated in this moment however because try as I might ... I can't seem to convey what I want to about what I -got- from it all. My perspective on many things is changing ... my entire perspective for even attending chruch is changing ... my expectation levels are changing and my purpose is changing and I can't figure out any good way to adequately convey that to the people I most want to share it with ... ya'll!

Admittedly ... for years I've attended to church on the basis of getting my needs met ... of getting FED myself. I wanted a church home that would meet all my needs and this morning ... Pastor Whitt dropped a bomb on that type of thinking for me ... again! ~laughs~ Slowly I am starting to see the church as not a place but a person ... the bride of Christ. I am starting to see meetings of our body as a time to join together ... to cry out to God, stand in the gap for our city and for those who don't know Him, to seek direction about our particular part of the body's assignment in the Body of Christ. I am seeing church as less of the place that is responsible for feeding me and more of a responsibilty I bear with everyone else in advancing God's Body in the neighborhood, city, region, state, country, world .... .

I am starting to view corporate worship as a time to praise God and push back the enemy with those praises on behalf of those who don't know Him yet and less as my little intimate dance with God where He speaks to me. My intimate time with my husband isn't in front of a group of people ... it's in the privacy of our bedroom (or other private location) ... yet for years I've seen corporate worship as a time of personal ministry to me specifically and if I didn't get that ministry -touch- then I was bummed. I am starting to see that my worship corporately helps set the tone for those who are lost or hurting within the service to experience a touch from God ... not as MY time ... but as something I do on behalf of others in our services. It's part of my warfare ... it's part of my responsibility to help beat back the darkness in the "atmosphere" so that others can have glimpses of the light of God.

I am starting to see my corporate worship as not only warfare but something we do on behalf of those who don't yet know how ... and when the liberty of the spirit comes and settles in the corporate setting ... people are touched by God in ways that startle me. My kids love coming to our church ... yet often the sermons are pretty intense and practical driven and they lack a real understanding of worship. As we take them time after time though ... they are learning how to worship God ... their lives are being transformed ... messages that on the surface would seem to have little relevance or effect on their lives SPEAK to them. I believe that comes in large measure because of the mantle those in our church have taken up to pray and worship on their behalf ... breaking through resistance and helping to create a spiritual atmosphere that ministers the Lord's touch to our kids and others who have previously had no connection to church.

I believe that the genuine heart praise that people in our church offer up ... not just after they FEEL God themselves but on behalf of others is a profound change rendering exercise. Entering in to worship with purpose ... to praise and touch the Lord ... to invite Him into our midst in glory ... so that He is free to move -- is a great shift in my thinking from the mindset of ... "Ok God ... He's the rocking worship (throw hands up) touch ME." The place normally for me to get a ministering touch from God is in my private time with Him ... not for me to be consumer greedy on Sunday mornings. It's not that God can't touch me AND everyone else that doesn't know how to seek Him on their own ... it's that the shift in perspective is crucial. Instead of getting up on Sunday mornings and heading to the corporate meeting of the body going ... "Ok God ... speak to me, motivate me, teach me, annoint me, give me give me gimmie ... " , it becomes about my responsibility ... my privilege ... my duy ... and my honor to serve IN the house of God WITH the Body of Christ.

To worship ... pray ... cry out to God on behalf of a people who are hurting ... lost ... dying ... IS the heart of God for those people. God loves those hurting, dying, lost people in our neighborhoods, cities, state, country and world that many of us don't even see as we go about our busy lives. Look at the old testiment prophets and leaders ... often they cried out to God on BEHALF of the people ... much less often are they quoted crying out to God on their own behalf. Don't get me wrong ... I'm thankful for David's psalms of crying out to God ... I need examples of those who know how to cry out to God in their own times of crisis! But my Christian life has been focused entirely too much on ME ... on my little things ... my feelings ... my emotions ... and it's really a season for me of ... -getting over myself- and realizing that there is work to do and a hurting world that needs Jesus and that I have a duty as a Warrior and part of the Body of Christ.

I could fill every single gathering with my own demands, needs, and perspective but I am seeing how having a Christ driven perspective for the heart of God's people changes lives ... brings about excitement, anticpation and responsibility that doesn't make us a fat and happy little congregation that hunkers down in the walls of the building praying to be taken on home to be with the Lord. It gives us purpose ... and it changes lives!

Good gravy what a babble ... I pray that it makes some little bit of sense ... this is probably a better 3 hour conversation at Starbucks than blog post kinda thing ... but ... maybe you guys can -get- me in there somewhere.

Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Thought someone might enjoy this one as well ... gangster/folk rap battle ...

Flight of the Conchords- Business Time

Hope your Wednesday was BUSY!

What's in it for us?

Mostly Tuesday mornings are a massive pain at work ... we have copious amounts of paperwork to complete ... tons of i's to dot and t's to cross ... but yesturday something amazing happened ...

at 4:45am 5 of my boys got up ... showered, dressed, made their beds, cleaned their rooms, completed their chores, and walked out of the cottage with RJ at 5:15am to be a Men's Prayer by 6am. MY BOYS! The same ones who always want to know what's in it for them ... where are their interests served. The same boys who normally are so battered and conditioned by life to look out for themselves ... the same ones who often barely drag out of bed for the 7:25am school bus. The same ones who are just coming to know God in any way shape or form ... who consistently have made horrible decisions about their lives ... who have been in jail ... been regular drug users ... been in gangs ... have frequently had sex in the bathroom AT SCHOOL with their girlfriends ... who fight way way WAY more than they know how to walk away ... who have professed atheism ... one who was at one time practicing Satanic worship ... who have been abused ... abandoned ... been victimizers & victims ... . The same ones who were up late on Monday night after their opening Basketball team loss ... who in their minds have EVERY reason in the world to be selfish ...

they were up at 4:45am to go to intercessory prayer with the RealMen group at our church, C3Greensboro. They were downing coffee like seasoned veterans and they were praying and sharing what they felt God put on their hearts with 56 other grown men ... most of whom are phenominal prayer warriors. And they were happy and excited to be there ...

I remember those days of all night prayer in college ... the mornings at the Baptist church downtown Boone when we would drag in and pray ... and be happy to be there and praying ...

and then I look at myself now and i wonder ... what happened to that joy ... that excitement when we had a chance to meet with God ... that sense of expectation and wonder and awe that He would speak to us ... instruct us ... answer us ... hold us ... challenge us ...

and then I look at my boys ... and I am humbled ... and I wonder ...

When did growing up mean growing stale with God ... growing apathetic ... growing fat and lazy spiritually ... growing selfish ... sitting around wondering what I was going to get out of worship or church or the message. Looking for MY prophetic word or MY encouragement ... ?? When did it become ok to wallow ... to throw my own "it's just not fresh anymore" pity parties ... indulging my flesh when I wanted to and then having the audacity to turn around and whine because God just wasn't motivating me any more.

I look at my boys ... and I realize it's all a matter of choice. Would I fight harder if it was my life on the line or the lives of those I love. Yes of course I would ... so why don't I see the urgency in my life??? Why is it so easy to tell myself that it's just a day ... no big deal ... ? Why is it now ok in my life to be so casual with God that I refuse to let that sense of urgency and purpose rise up in me and roar? We used to live with it ... used to let it guide us ... used to let it push us to stay up late ... risk rejection ... deny ourselves ...

Now I feel like some old glory days athelete looking back and talking about "when we were on fire" ... and reliving those stories of exploits and daring as though it's all I have to my spiritual credit. When did risks just not become worth it ... ? When did I decide to just ... be grown, settled, and content with the status quo? When did I become so important to myself that my comfort and my -needs- and my feelings supercede my need to press INTO God and fight the good fight?

I wonder about it all ... then think about the looks on the faces of my ragtag boys as they get excited about the privledge of getting up at 4:45am to go pray ...

Caroline

Pressing in ...

Tonight we took all 8 of our boys to our church ... it was the most amazing experience I've ever had with young people. I'm almost too overwhelmed to talk about it ... one of my boys who has adamently said He doesn't believe in God at all got saved tonight. Another who has never openly made any positive comment about God make a declaration of faith as well. Our boys raised their hands ... praised God with all their hearts ... participated in deep prayer for each other and our city ... then came home and wanted to pray for each other again before we could get them to go to bed.

I'm humbled to see how AWESOME the hand of God is ... and to realize how profoundly important our responsibility in their lives is. For those of you who still pray for us ... for those of you who prayed for us today ... I can't thank you enough. Today there are blossoms on the vine ... and I pray that God will show us how to protect, nurture, encourage, and guide those blossoms into amazing fruit. I have this feeling in my heart that some of you are going to be meeting our boys soon ... I can hardly wait for that day!

I love you guys ... across miles ... and time ... and I'm so thankful that for God ... there IS NO time or distance! You are precious friends who have been points of inspiration to us when You've had no idea that you were ... and I am so grateful to be able to call you family ... in frequent contact and in times of separation. You guys are amazing!

Caroline

The Long Sleep ...

It's been an insane 6 months or so for RJ and I ... much much work ... some struggles ... some victories ... . I've missed you guys very much ... it's just been hard to find the energy to sit down and start sharing but last night on the way home from Women's prayer ... I basically realized it's spring again ... and a year ago I started this blog to keep myself focused ... I still need that focus. I still need your voices in my life! I'll write more soon and probably do some redesign ... and I'll try to rouse RJ from His slumber as well and get him back in the writing mode.

love,

Caroline

It's Sunday ...

No fancy titles tonight nor any really catchy themes unfortunately! ~laughs~ It's been a while since I've posted though so I feel obligated to -pony up- something lest I begin to worry everyone.

So it's been crazy lately and I feel drained ... lots going on here with our kids at work ... with work itself ... with our friends ... and with me. I haven't been sleeping much and that stinks but it'll work itself out I am sure.

We went to church this morning and it was definitely the highlight of my week ... well that and last Wednesday night at church. You know ... it's been so long ... so incredibly long since -church- was home. We went YEARS with no church and trying to find out way through just the encouragement of friends and our praise CD's and what we -knew- to do. I am convinced the greatest point of suffering for us in the last ten years has been the lack of a good church home.

Granted ... we didn't have a great many choices in Havelock and the area after the -big burn- with FCF and the ensuing fallout ... but since then ... it's just been a long long valley that eventually gave way to a desert that was completely overwhelming. We didn't even really bother to try to find a church here when we moved ... just like we gave up on church in Havelock. We can only attend every other week so that's a daunting point in terms of trying to get committed and build relationships ... BUT ... we are finally home!

I love ... LOVE LOVE LOVE our church! I love the people ... I love the variety ... I love the music ... I love the ministerial staff ... I love the Word that is brought forth and expounded on ... I love Paster Whit ... I love that HE is finally someone that I think that I can -trust- from the pulpit again. We haven't had the opportunity or FOUND the opportunity in years to find a church that truly encourages and feeds us as well as clicks with our own convictions. Christian City Church of Greensboro is finally that place we believe. For years I've walked into church with more armour on mentaly, spiritually, and emotionally than anyone ought to have to. I have analyzed every jot and tittle ... every time of ministry ... every word spoken in the pulpit ... EVERYTHING to the point that it was an exercise in misery ... not a time of spiritual renewal.

Pastor Whit got the same level of skepticism and guardedness that I've given every other Pastor that I've encountered for the last 10 or more years. I basically walked in and said to myself but to him - "I dare you to prove that you can be trusted". I tore apart everything that took place in corporate ministry. I riffled through the webpages ... I looked ... I searched ... I WAITED for the shoe to drop. I don't mean that I've looked for problems with other people or whether or not there are ever difficulties but I mean ... I have examined the voice of the Man ... because I don't think I can stand to be burned like we were before.

Every test ... every question ... every point that means EVERYTHING to me ... God has answered at CCC. Paster Whit touched on church authority and trust on Wednesday night ... I bawled my head off. He spoke about trust being essential in allowing a Paster to lead the congregation. He spoke about needing to believe in the vision that God gives him as the leader of the chruch and the elders in confirmation of that vision. Normally this whole topic would have sent me to through the door without even bothering to hear the rest. I have been unable to trust ... utterly. HOWEVER ... He also spoke about the importance of ceasing that trust when there is a check in your spirit or there is a violation of your conscience taking place. This was freedom on a platter for me! I NEEDED to hear this from the Paster so badly. He stressed that it's important not to let our belief that we know what is best for the running of the church become a point of contention when it didn't match what he felt was the leading of the Lord for our church -- (hello John & Helen!) but he also pointed out that you can not blindly obey a man when there is a violation of true conscience or a serious check in your spirit.

Today he spoke about taking our cares to the Lord. This is a theme that he has been expounding on for several weeks. He was speaking of about Hannah and Eli in the temple and how Hannah took her cares to God ... NOT to the Priest necessarily. She let the Priest know that she was troubled but she WENT to the ALTER to take her burden to the Lord ... she knew that her problem was a God sized problem ... not a Man sized problem. He made the point that so many times we don't take God sized problems to God ... we mope around ... hoping someone at church will notice and that we can be ministered to. Or that we fall into being disgruntled and complaining and always seeking -counsel- but really seeking attention. He pointed out that many times we need to simply take things before the LORD ... and that it's great when a Pastor or minister knows that we are struggling to support us in prayer but that EVERYTHING doesn't need to be known in detail by the Ministry team. THIS was important to me because it shows me that he trusts GOD to be in control ... that he doesn't feel that he must be.

The church is very large ... which at first bothered me. There are about 700 people there on Sundays ... sometimes as many as 1,000. I felt that it would be so hard for us to get involved because of our schedule and it's so easy to be lost in a large crowd. Not so. We spoke to Paster Whit after service Wednesday night ... and this morning he remembered EXACTLY what we had told him and was surprised that we were there. He thought we were working this weekend. May not seem like much ... but it impressed me.

The church is great ... we leave encouraged ... challenged ... and ready to face our Giants. The messages are relevant and that push us ... while being comforting and inspirational at the same time. We've heard several people in leadership speak and that too has been great. Each person has brought solid word and insight. The worship is amazing ... it's ... Home. I am thankful.

As for the rest of my wrestlings this week ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... or maybe I'll just keep taking them to the alter and watch the Lord work as my faith grows.

Speaking of Faith ... Paster Whit touched on that this morning too ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... it was good stuff.

Anyways ... I love you guys. I'm still here ... we are still fighting ... but we know we aren't alone!

Bringing a weekend Warrior to a professional Fight ...

It's been a tough few weeks ... tougher than most ... when I haven't really understood the reason why. Things have been screwy in ways that make no sense and have left me questioning every emotion I feel and every -interpretation- of other's words that I perceive. Any break down in communication that could go wrong, has gone wrong. It's divide and conquer at it's simpliest ... yet most effective. I finally talked to Hoddie yesturday and the pieces just started falling together as we spoke. After we got off the phone, I heard God say ... this Caroline, is what happens when you bring a weekend Warrior to a professional fight. Can I say - ugh ... it was a kick in the gut. One that I sorely needed.

I was reminded of the movie 300 ... it's out on video now if you didn't have a chance to see it in the theaters. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie when the 300 Spartans are leaving out with Leonidas towards the Gates of Thermopalye ... and they meet up with their fellow countrymen, the Arkadians. Their leader complains forcefully that Leonidas only brought 300 men and that the Spartan contribution was not nearly as great as their own. Leonidas responds to the accusations:

Spartan King Leonidas: You there! What is your profession? [points to Arkadian soldier behind Daxos]
Arkadian soldier #1: A potter, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: Hm... and you, Arkadian - what is your profession? [points to another soldier]
Arkadian soldier #2: I'm a blacksmith, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: [turns to his soldiers] Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: Harooh! Harooh! Harooh! [simultaneous, followed and preceded by immediate silence]
Spartan King Leonidas: [turning to Daxos] You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.

Spartans were born for battle, bred for battle, and trained for battle every day of their lives. They were soliders first and all else a distant second. Battle was in their soul ... they were fearless, merciless, and unflinching in the face of the enemy.

I have been an Arkadian in a Spartan needed battle. We are in our own -Hot Gates- right now and I've been a mild mannered CCW by day and a sometimes reckless solider at night. THIS battles calls for the Spartan in me ... and I have responded with an out of shape, poorly equipped Arkadian. There is no excuse. There is no pacifying answer.

For such a time as this ... it is time to lay down the toys ... and take up the seriousness of the call ,.. on this earth AND in the heavenlies! I know that it's time to echo the words and sentiment of Leonidas in this battle - "This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. This is where they die. ... Give them nothing! But take from them everything!" And the words of Queen Gorgo - "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrifice. The price is paid in blood."

It's true, our blood price has been paid ... but that does not mean that there is no demand upon us to fight for the freedom to claim the victory Jesus won. We have battles to wage in the heavenlies for the souls of those who would know HIM and be HIS ... these battles aren't over in an hour and they aren't always pretty. That which is free for the taking from our Savoir cost Him everything ... how can I be willing to pay less of a price.

We sit and speak of spiritual things ... so casually ... so cavalierly as though it's just some simple little moment or two of prayer. The attack is real. The battle is real. And my own casual non-challance has brought me to my knees rather than on my feet ... sword and shield at the ready. My talk is the cheapest of rags this day ... it's training day ... today ... and every day. Though they make their bed in hell ... we will go after them ... praying for them ... reaching to them ... interceeding on their behalf ... standing in the gap ... head bloodied but un bowed ....

It's time to live the words ...

Take my quiz!

~laughing~ too funny! I found this goofy quiz thing and made one since I can't sleep for some reason ... thanks Jan for hitting it up! It just was one of those silly things I had so much fun doing ... anyone else up for creating one? I am down for getting quizzed on you guys! Pulllllleasssssssseeeeeeeeeee???? (NO I am not getting paid to solict traffic ~snickers~) I just thought it was fun and I REALLY needed a laugh today!

Ever just felt tired and frustrated?

~laughs~ Nawwww ... not you guys! ~sighs~ I am so tired right now ... my house is a wreck and I feel like all I do is clean up after cats. For someone who is NOT a reknowned housekeeper it stinks to begin with ... but to feel like you are cleaning up constantly after ANIMALS is another. Don't get me wrong ... I love my babies but ... holy enchilada batman ... they make such a mess. I'm not talking about the hair ... I'm talking about the fact that since we only LIVE in this house half the month ... it's THEIR house! Which means when we are gone ... they have full run of the joint ... and the STRANGEST things are treasures to a cat. I have walked around my house tonight picking up hair bows, Christmas bows (BIG FAVORITE), milk tops, bottle caps, assorted pieces of fluff, 47 hundred pre-made cat toys, cellophane wraps, bits of toilet paper and paper towels (yes they shredded an ENTIRE roll this week but that's usual), match sticks, ... pretty much every stupid thing under the sun and THEY have the audacity to sit and watch me and look offended that I am fooling with their supreme organizational masterpiece.

We have Nick in the guest room so there is stuff in boxes lining the hall of my already small house ... we pack and unpack every week so that's a chore in and of itself ... there are laundry baskets everywhere ... there were dirty dishes to tackle from when we left last week ... those STUPID 12 can boxes that soda come in to crush, a million and one pieces of junk mail to wade through after I JUST did that ... floors (only one room in our house is carpeted, all the rest are hardwood floors) to be cleaned that I haven't gotten to yet, a kitchen floor that NEVER looks clean because of course, it's the site of the daily, nay hourly cat fest complete with halftime food soccer and goalie action for entertainment, the fridge needs cleaning out ... AGAIN because of course I bought food we didn't eat and it's gone bad, cabinets to try to fit MORE food into and new drinking glasses with almost NO space ... books to put away with maxed out bookshelves ... strange fluids to clean up on the floors because cats throw up and they like to share that with as many rooms as possible (WHILE doing it ... so that everyone else can see the spectacularness of their show), a leaking toilet that I have to get fixed, NO room in the bathroom and about a jillion things to put away ... and ... I'm overwhelmed.

Add to that ... a new crack in our brand new car's windshield to get replaced, a great deal of personal crises and frustrations with our friends here ... trying to get to see my Mom and Dad sometime in the next century and already overwhelming fall plans ...

I would love to cry but there are no tears. I have been on two -emergency- errands this week to help out friends that live like ... 40 mins away ... and that has been taxing as well as just watching people we love struggle. I feel like Satan is just standing over the pot of our lives and stirring it with his little finger and laughing. Now I know that may sound silly ... it's just this feeling that I have. Nick, Rich and I fasted this weekend and it's like ... voila ... hell hath come for a visit!

I know that all this seems silly and trivial and I sound like a superficial blowhard ... I'm just venting ... I love my babies ... I love my friends ... I am happier than I have been in a while on one hand ... but on the other ... I feel like our lives are just being ... whipped into a frenzy because of our recent stands on spiritual things and frankly ... I'm losing my wind ... AND it's just too early in the -game- for me to be winded. I can think of a thousand things I am doing wrong or not doing enough of ... but in the end ... right now I'm just tired ...

love you guys!

Just a glimpse

So I'm still working on coming to terms with the new hair do thingie ... ~laughs~ Sometimes I'm ok with it and sometimes I'm thinking ... what have I done to myself. I've not come as far as I'd like in the self esteem department and believe me ... not having any hair as a woman is SOMETHING to overcome all by itself.

The strangest thing is ... I hate the feeling and I look at pictures and think ... "who is that woman" but other people CONSTANTLY tell me that I should keep it cut really short. I am thinking to myself ... "what in the world is wrong with you people???" It just doesn't feel like me yet but I have a feeling that by the time it DOES feel like me ... it will have grown out tremendously!

In the meantime ... I just remind myself how short my showers are and how much money I am saving on expensive shampoo and conditioner. ~laughing~ I have never been one to be overly fixated on looks ... maybe because I've never felt like I had anything much to offer in the looks department but boy let me tell you ... vanity takes on a whole new perspective when you are trying real hard not to look like you are batting for the -other team- so to speak. I find myself wearing much more feminine things ... less bulky t'shirts and more makeup and jewlery just so I won't be mistaken for some boy or some well ... *coughs* you know.

It's all been an adventure of sorts and I've been blessed with many affirming friends so I am very thankful! It's been a busy few weeks here at the house but I am hoping that things will settle down soon. We can't keep this all night long every night pace up forever, to be sure! We go back to work on Tuesday and I am sure it's going to be some more adjustments there as we got new boys in during the last week while we've been off.

You guys please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We love you all very much and miss you more than you can imagine. Soon guys ... we have to stop talking and start really planning to get together. I need dates ... I can make the arrangements but you guys need to start giving me real dates that you can get together so we can make this happen! We have access to the mountain home in Black Mountain, right outside of Asheville for mega cheap - $200 a week total with sleeping facilities for 19 and a kitchen to cook all our meals in. It has a huge back screened and glassed in porch with windows that open out the entire length and sides of it. It's a fantastic place with great location and enough solitude to really enjoy yourself. Alternatively ... we can always go the beach route and I can look into getting a place during the fall when the rent is cheaper for a week down there should everyone's schedule permit. Just let me know so I can get to working on it.

There's one in every house!

This is my baby Craver. He was a feral kitten, literally dying the day our boys found him outside the cottage. He was captured (they thought this was a generous thing) because he couldn't outrun our boys due to his pitiful condition. They came bursting into the cottage proudly holding this little ball of fluff that was so encrusted with congestion that his nose was totally sealed over with it and both eyes were nearly glued shut. He could barely breathe and he was terrified.

At the time we already had 5 cats and were NOT in the market for an addition to the family but one look at the poor thing and it was clear ... he was about 24 hours away from being history. So ... of course, we went into emergency vet mode, drug out all of our kitten saving supplies, cleaned the poor thing's face, and started dropper feeding him. He was between 3 and 4 weeks old then. He made it through the first night but it was fairly clear he wasn't going to last without serious meds so it was another HUGE chunk of change down the tubes for unexpected vet bills and viola ... the boy is a fighter! He survived.

And now ... we live in the constant grips of STORM CRAVER. I have never had such a hyper adolescent cat! He will be 1 in the late fall and I am telling you ... he is a destruction machine! ~laughing~ Feral cats are difficult to socialize and maintain if they are more than 6 weeks old when they are handled by humans. If they are even as much as 8 to 10 weeks old it's a good bet they will never be totally socialized at all. We've had good luck with both of our straight out of the wild ferals ... mostly due to the fact that we have so many socialized cats already that do must of the work keeping the little dickens in line! Young Master Craver however is just the epitome of -teenage- boy. He is filled with boundless energy that few of our more older and sedate cats appreciate. He compensates for their lack of zeal by waging intricate and highly technical sneak attacks on the most unsuspecting of them ... relying craftily on his ultra stealth and wiry speed to extract him from the claws of some of our more substantial babies who would happily rip him to bits like an inviting couch cushion if they could only maneuver their bulk with half his speed. He lives to spy the unsuspecting elder just lounging in the sun partaking in a few moments of their normal 20 hours of sleep a day ... and then moves in for the trauma. He lives for chaos and the ensuing grand mal proportion seizure he inspires in his unsuspecting victims seems to be his sustaining addiction. My poor babies.

Nothing is safe from my maniac boy ... he equal opportunity attacks wall hangings, boxes, dirty clothes, claw posts, my chair, the blinds ... you name it. Cats are suposed to sleep around 20 hours a day but I am thinking he has a secret stash of caffiene that he's mainlining these days. Add to that ... our second youngest, Nala (we believe his sister from another litter) is in heat and now ... he's discovered sex drive. We can't get her fixed when she is in a heat cycle so that's added a whole new element to the mix ... ~laughing~

I guess this was just the long way of saying ... I can't get any sleep ... Storm Craver is in full effect and there is no place I can hide. I put Nala in the room with me to protect her virtue and she squals like no tommorrow cause she NEEDS! I put Craver in the room with me to leave Nala unmolested and everything that can even be remotely mistaken for a toy is fodder for his limitless energy and if he can find nothing else ... he plants himself on my legs and chases his tail ... for HOURS. I am so tired ... ~pitiful whine inserted here~ ....

oh ... did I mention we cheered the sun up again this morning after a night of devastating spades ... experimental mojitos and melonballs, serious amounts of pizza, cheesecake, dr. pepper, and *coughs* Marlboros. Yes ... I started smoking at the end of last summer ... *sighs* ... we can discuss my quitting another day. Right now ... I feel the little hairs standing up on the back of my neck and I have this sinking feeling that something is about to jump on me ...

It's all good!

WOW ... I've been so busy lately that I am totally slacking in blog land. Kinda selfish of me in the sense that I feel deprived if you guys don't blog every day ... not that I assume that you're reading MY blog every day ... but I can't demand more than I'm willing to give ... right? ~grins~

Anyways ... we've had a great last few weeks ... a challenging but promising group of boys at the cottage ... a fantastic house guest and spades so hard core that someone might get a contusion one of these nights in the heat of the battle! ~laughing~ We've had some of our old residents come back to visit ... one of our cat's fathers on an extended visit ... more old friends coming this weekend ... a room to paint ... lots of socializing to do ... church ... jujitsu ... and did I mention spades?

In the midst of it all ... of the goodness and the blessed reprieve from my own desert slough ... I did find myself this morning with an I wish list. Not that I'm discontent ... just that I have a few longings that I really hope get fulfilled ... I'd like to think that doesn't mean I'm greedy! ~winks~

My wish list ...

*Reaffirming our wedding vows on our 10th anniversary in December with the Rev. Kevin Thomasson officiating and just our friends present ...

*One long balmy but not hot night on a porch (beach or mountains) with one pipe, two double old fashioned glasses, one bottle of Caol Ila, plenty of 7-up on ice, a pack of Nat Sherman's, some good Scots-Irish music, and conversation with my friend Reed Thomas ... I don't think there is anyone I'd enjoy that time with more ...

*One really balls-to-the-wall Boston trip with Molly and Dan and RJ complete with Fenway Park, a dip in the north Atlantic ... and all the other trimmings ...

*One weekend getaway for just the girls with Jan, Helen, Dar, Cindy, and Julie ... no kids and enough cash to do some impulse spending!

*An endless supply of Brouwerij Westvleteren (Sint-Sixtusabdij van Westvleteren), a beach house, one long weekend, great deck chairs, and Greg and Dan to discuss the finner points of BEER while I just sit at the feet of the Masters and take notes ~laughing~ I can not imagine what the two of them could unearth about beer, life, and quantum physics ...

*A missions trip to Asia with RJ, John & Helen, Dan & Molly, Greg & Jan, Andrew & Dar, Kevin & Christina, Kevin & Bond, Brian & Ashely (RJ's jujitsu sensei & his wife), Shane & Rachel, Rodney & Kim, and Reed & Tab ... I can NOT imagine what an amazing time that would be!

*An afternoon spying on John, Kevin, Reed, Rodney, and Andrew with their kids at the park ... with NO wives present ... ~laughing~ This image just cracks me up for some reason!

*A Shama Shama throw down night of prayer, praise, and ministry with all of the above mentioned folks ... plus THE RICKY, Nick, Monique, Baily, Caleb, and any of the other kids who can stay up that long!

These are just a few ... and I will note that I exercised CONSIDERABLE restraint in not listing Starbucks in any of my wishes *grins* ...

Anyways ... anyone else have a few to add?

The Fourth of July

Sometimes the best times come in the most unexpected packages or places. Yesturday we spent the day with Ricky, Sheri (his daughter), Tori (his daughter), Shane, Rachel, Nick, and Dan. We went to the church picnic in the park first and then headed back to Shane and Rachel's place. The guys got fresh cuts and we braved huge crowds to go watch fireworks at the lake. I think it was a lake ... we never got close enough to see the water! ~laughs~ Later, the fuzz busted up our home fireworks display due to the lateness of the hour but we had a great day none the less. Check out the montage if you wanna see the pics!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My finished Midori

Okay ... finally a real finished picture of my girl. The kanji on the side represent loyalty and passion.

I'm already wondering if there is anything else that I can get! ~laughing~ Actually I think RJ will be next with more work on his back and probably some Warrior stuff added to his arms ... should be pretty neat ... some of the coolest stuff is done in black and grey so I am thinking that's what he'll do.

*Update on the tattoo shop deal with Shane ... we went to look at the place that we believe that God is going to be opening up the doors for ... it was FAR and ABOVE anything to do with the current shop that has fallen through for Shane's shop. One of the things I spoke to he and Rachel about on Sunday was that the current shop is too secluded ... there isn't a way to easily socialize which I believe is going to be a huge part of Shane's ministry use of his business. Shane would be isolated in the back behind two closed doors. The place we looked at tonight has an OPEN floor plan with perfect space for EVERY THING! The plumbing is even already done to accomidate their needs! And perfect places to chill and share with folks who come back to just connect a little bit. We prayed last night that if the current shop wasn't the place that God would give us HIS best ... not what we thought was best ... and tonight ... well ... let's just say ... GOD IS GOOD all the time! We all joined hands and prayed at the new place tonight and asked that if this was the place ... that He would deliver it into Shane's hands and that Shane would give every effort within it to Him. It was amazing. Shane and Ricky were both in tears. Good stuff ...

Wine, Pipes, Tattoos and other objectionable things ...

I considered starting out this post saying ... "So I was sitting on the porch the other night sipping a glass of wine while RJ smoked his pipe and we discussed our newest plans for tattoos ... " but that wouldn't be the truth so I'll just say ... I imagined the scenario in the course of reading several other blogs recently ...

Which started me thinking about the -rules- so to speak. When we were in college (and over 21) several of us would have considered it a big issue or a matter of concern if someone were drinking. It was semi-considered a -sign- of trouble ... a hint of a deeper problem ... a rebellion of sorts. Same with smoking a cigar, pipe, or cigarette and well, tattoos hadn't come into fashion really so much yet so that wasn't something I think that we thought much about. You guys remember how it was though ... you didn't just tell people you had a tasty dark ale while watching a great old movie like Casablanca last night on TV ... either you didn't mention it at all which held a sort of hidden shame or deliciousness or you announced it boldly and dared someone to question it and still probably felt some sort of inner turmoil about it -- maybe secretly wondering whether it was really ok or not. The whole -what's my motivation- ruthless self examination that we constantly engaged in -- some for the good, some for the bad.

At any rate ... the -rules-. I used to think the rules were good. I used to think they were NECESSARY ... INTREGAL ... in the life of a Christian ... ESPECIALLY a young Christian. After all, if we didn't help them out with all the rules, they might slide right on back into sin ... not part from their evil friends and lifestyles and well, we truly cared for them so what gift did we give? RULES. Not grace and teaching and understanding about personal conviction and God's power to hold and mold those who give themselves to HIM ... but RULES.

Rules are safe -- right? Rules help you know where the boundaries are and help you to avoid trouble. Rules keep us on the path. To a point, that's very true. Parents laydown rules for children in order to nurture, discipline, and teach them the right paths and the safe roads. Funny thing is ... most of the time ... you don't see children in a group setting dictating too many rules on other children. Now occassionally you might get the "ohhhhhhhhh you aren't supposed to do that" from some child or another but who told them? It usually isn't enlightened advice peer to peer that sticks with young children. It's PARENTAL advice, guidance, and voice that molds and impacts young children most. Yes, there are exceptions and bad behavoir is certainly imitated among young kids but GOOD behavior and modeling comes from a parental figure ... not a peer figure.

As a child grows up ... then they are more inclined to take advice from peers than their parents and often suffer for those mistakes. Then ... eventually they get to be adults and realize how brilliant their parents actually were and have a whole new level of respect for them. Right?

What I'm driving at here is ... I think too often ... we jump in to play God in the lives of new or young Christians ... weighing them down with OUR rules ... taught to US other by other peers or in some cases by a personal conviction of our Father Authority figure - the Lord. We fail many times to consider that our rules MIGHT not be someone else's rules. We are so anxious to see success as WE perceive it that we want to do God's job for Him, you know ... give Him a hand in taking care of the flock. What we don't realize is that many times we burden young Christians with the rules that seem important to us but that are superficial to the Lord. Speak to a new Christian about the Lord's heart ... speak to him about learning to hear the Lord's voice in his Bible and private times ... and you are equipping him FAR more effectively than our list of Judeo-Christian socially accepted mores and rules. Sometimes in spite of all our lip service to God's power, we behave as though He is incapable of holding, keeping, or maintaining His own. Ultimately we forget that GOD is in control and that we aren't always needed as the well meaning but self appointed police force / parental brigade to new Christians.

This is not to say that I don't think accountability is important but if all your accountability relationship with someone is ... is rules ... then it's hardly as effective and meaningful as it's supposed to be. Accountability asks a person if God has spoken to them on a matter and asks what God's heart might be on a matter ... RULES ... well ... they just give rigid marks that are often more obstacle oriented than grace oriented.

I see a great deal more merit these days in allowing God's power and grace to do the convicting on a believer's life than imparting or inflicting MY rules ... maybe even my God given rules upon them. For example ... our friends Shane and Rachel. If you've been following my blog you know who they are. Shane is a new Christian who just gave his life to the Lord about 2 months ago. He doesn't know alot of the rules yet and frankly, I thank god for that. If someone had grabbed Shane the day he got saved and said, you know, you are living in sin with Rachel and you guys have to cut that out or you won't be right with God, I think it would have changed the course of his entire walk with God so far.(Shane was married prior and they can't get married until all the court stuff is finished, but they absolutely plan on it) It would have certainly been a burden, a worry, and a source of great conflict in his new life with the Lord. Instead, people ministered love, acceptance, and grace to him. They have started teaching him about the nature of God and about how to hear the Lord's voice, both in the Bible and his private times with God. He didn't get ruled to death ... literally ... in the midst of his new life. Interesting thing is ... without all those rules, he is making changes in his life and lifestyle. He is editing his language for example ... not because he was told to but because God is living inside of him and is convicting him. The Lord is doing the work ... not man's rules.

The funny thing to me is ... if you read what our friends are saying now ... they seem to enjoy their liberty in the Lord while not taking advantage of it. Their hearts are keen and open to the Lord ... their relationships with Him are intimate. They love with GRACE ... not the hand of authority or RULE ... they minister grace, forgiveness, and compassion while imparting deep truths that truly help through life's tough challenges and faith crises. They take the time to ask "What's God sayign to you about this" or to share their own struggles and lessons the Lord has shown them ... and less time telling me that my glass of wine is the gateway to damnation and that no self respecting God-fearing Christian woman would have a tattoo. They minister WHO God is ... NOT requirements for righteousness that God may or may not have given them ... they know now that in light of requirements and rules ... we all fall short. They understand more that grace is the extension that gives us hope, that gives us LIFE ... and that causes us to truly grow in the Lord and in HIS freedom.

Good gravy I am a babbler!