Even in the Storm

Got some extra prayers???

2008-04-09T13:48:00.002-04:00

Hey ya'll. I'm unsure where to put this ... on my blog or here ... but I guess I'll put it in both places to cover it all and so my request can be seen by my amazing friends!

Some of ya'll know that I've had uveitis for the past four years or so ... which requires me to get steriod injections into my eyeballs to keep it from causing permanent blindness. Last Monday (a week and change ago) I had to go in to get another shot ... my right eye is almost completely clouded over with cells and my vision in both eyes is suffering tremendously. I was informed at that appointment that they could no longer give me the steriod injections ... there is ongoing permanent damange occuring in my eyes and they strongly insisted on a more agressive treatment. Previously the doctors had hoped that they uveitis which is an auto-immune deficiency disease, would simply burn itself out as it sometimes does. It hasen't.

Starting 10 days ago, I have embarked on an aggressive and potentially highly risky treatment schedule that involves a projected two year cycle of chemotherapy and immunosuppressants. Additionally I am on an aggressive course of steriods to attempt to deal with the current flare in my right eye that prevents it from dialating at this point. The goal is to take my immune system down to zero ... as one of my kids said ... "Oh you are going to have medically induced AIDS" ... and in a sense he is correct.

The course of treatment ...the timeline and potential side effects is daunting at best ... horrific at worst ... in my mind if not in my body yet. I have many fears and whys swirling inside me concerning this ... some dreams I think I'm going to have to let go of ... and alot to come to grips with in the course of feeling so incredibly vulnerable. I covet your prayers guys ... more than I can say.

I am struggling with this aweful sense of failure and I find that I'm having a hard time sharing this news with anyone ... I am humiliated and I can't really explain why. I guess a part of me feels like ... it's always me ... needing something ... screwing something up ... failing. Just before I went to the doctor this time I REALLY thought God had healed my eyes ... so ... it's an especially tough blow to find that it wasn't so ... yet. I felt more sure that I ever have in my life about physical healing ... so ... I just don't fully -get- it.

My church has been AMAZING! They have been positive ... supportive ... encouraging ... unflinching! We have to miss church half the month while we are at work but managed to get there last Wednesday night ... I needed that so badly ... God is so very good ... even when we don't understand.

Anyways ... that's where I'm at ya'll ... and again ... here I am ... humbled ...

I love ya'll!

Paul Potts

2008-03-21T02:30:00.002-04:00

This is Paul Potts. He was bullied and picked on tremendously when he was growing up and as a result ... he lacked self confidence. He had performed in four amateur productions singing opera before this audition on the British equivalent of American Idol ... however he never believed enough in himself to think that he could actually make a career as a singer. He simply said that growing up his voice was his only friend. He took three months of opera lessons because he loved it ... then summoned up the courage to audition on The X Factor.

Watch the judges faces when he comes out and announces that he is going to be singing opera ... then watch their reactions as he performs! I watched this clip at a church my family attended when on the road to my uncle's funeral in Florida. At my brother's suggestion my Mom, Daddy, brother and I went to a non-denominational church outside of Savannah Georgia.

The Pastor that day spoke about the gifts and talents that God puts inside of each of us ... that we must summon the FAITH and courage to express. He talked about how we may not LOOK like we have a great deal to offer based on the world's standards but that God puts amazing gifts inside each of us. You can't always judge a book by it's cover!

Please watch ... this is one amazing video!

C.

Twittering and other rambling ...

2008-03-18T23:41:00.002-04:00

Ok I got this flipping Twitter thing turned on ... maybe it's late or I hooked it up wrong or something BUT ... I'm totally lost dudes! ~laughs~ Perhaps it will blossom in time to actually make some sense to me. Hopefully my cell bill won't blow up from all the txting!

Today was an exciting day ... RJ up at 4:45am to go to morning prayer with the Mens and we were back at the church tonight for Womens Warrior time and Praise and Worship practice of RJ. It was a great time all in all ... AND we got rid of two of our 6 kitties tonight. I was sad to see them go but it is TIME and necessary!

It's been great having the time to read blogs from Cubbie, Jan & Greg, and John and Helen lately! It's especially neat to read blogs about what is happening in other churches ... the sameness of the messages ... the confirmation of God's heart for our world. I've had a lot on my heart prayer wise lately ... so I can't wait to read the good reports from everyone concerning what God's doing in your parts of the world. Love you guys!

Caroline

Okay Okay Okay ...

2008-03-16T19:35:00.002-04:00

You high tech people have me completely comfabulated and I am feeling every bit of my 40 years as I try to figure out feedburners, feedreaders, and this flipping twitter thingie. I did some tweaks on my blog settings soooooo maybe that will allow this feedie thing ya'll want and if not ... please give me the Feeder for Dummies version of instructions so I can make you guys happy! ~grins~

As to the twitter thing ... I confess ... I just do NOT get it. I went to the site ... and joined with a name ... but I have NO idea what the purpose of it is and how it is something that seems even remotely more than a whole lot of effort. Maybe I am missing the point. Soooo for the Fullers who are so twitterpatted that you are true believers converts ... could you elaborate a bit on what's the point and how it works ... again ... the Twitter for Dummies version with examples would be great. Hoddie ... I watched the little blurb video on your blog for twitter and yep ... I still didn't get it ... doh! So can you work with me here? Just a little guys? I'm game but I'm missing the deal somehow.

Are these little twitter things on a specific site that you have to visit ... do they come to you as emails ... what's the deal?

C

Just can't do it justice ...

2008-03-16T18:52:00.003-04:00

Ughhh ... chruch this morning was fantastic ... Pastor Whitt's message was challenging and right on time. I find myself completely frustrated in this moment however because try as I might ... I can't seem to convey what I want to about what I -got- from it all. My perspective on many things is changing ... my entire perspective for even attending chruch is changing ... my expectation levels are changing and my purpose is changing and I can't figure out any good way to adequately convey that to the people I most want to share it with ... ya'll!

Admittedly ... for years I've attended to church on the basis of getting my needs met ... of getting FED myself. I wanted a church home that would meet all my needs and this morning ... Pastor Whitt dropped a bomb on that type of thinking for me ... again! ~laughs~ Slowly I am starting to see the church as not a place but a person ... the bride of Christ. I am starting to see meetings of our body as a time to join together ... to cry out to God, stand in the gap for our city and for those who don't know Him, to seek direction about our particular part of the body's assignment in the Body of Christ. I am seeing church as less of the place that is responsible for feeding me and more of a responsibilty I bear with everyone else in advancing God's Body in the neighborhood, city, region, state, country, world .... .

I am starting to view corporate worship as a time to praise God and push back the enemy with those praises on behalf of those who don't know Him yet and less as my little intimate dance with God where He speaks to me. My intimate time with my husband isn't in front of a group of people ... it's in the privacy of our bedroom (or other private location) ... yet for years I've seen corporate worship as a time of personal ministry to me specifically and if I didn't get that ministry -touch- then I was bummed. I am starting to see that my worship corporately helps set the tone for those who are lost or hurting within the service to experience a touch from God ... not as MY time ... but as something I do on behalf of others in our services. It's part of my warfare ... it's part of my responsibility to help beat back the darkness in the "atmosphere" so that others can have glimpses of the light of God.

I am starting to see my corporate worship as not only warfare but something we do on behalf of those who don't yet know how ... and when the liberty of the spirit comes and settles in the corporate setting ... people are touched by God in ways that startle me. My kids love coming to our church ... yet often the sermons are pretty intense and practical driven and they lack a real understanding of worship. As we take them time after time though ... they are learning how to worship God ... their lives are being transformed ... messages that on the surface would seem to have little relevance or effect on their lives SPEAK to them. I believe that comes in large measure because of the mantle those in our church have taken up to pray and worship on their behalf ... breaking through resistance and helping to create a spiritual atmosphere that ministers the Lord's touch to our kids and others who have previously had no connection to church.

I believe that the genuine heart praise that people in our church offer up ... not just after they FEEL God themselves but on behalf of others is a profound change rendering exercise. Entering in to worship with purpose ... to praise and touch the Lord ... to invite Him into our midst in glory ... so that He is free to move -- is a great shift in my thinking from the mindset of ... "Ok God ... He's the rocking worship (throw hands up) touch ME." The place normally for me to get a ministering touch from God is in my private time with Him ... not for me to be consumer greedy on Sunday mornings. It's not that God can't touch me AND everyone else that doesn't know how to seek Him on their own ... it's that the shift in perspective is crucial. Instead of getting up on Sunday mornings and heading to the corporate meeting of the body going ... "Ok God ... speak to me, motivate me, teach me, annoint me, give me give me gimmie ... " , it becomes about my responsibility ... my privilege ... my duy ... and my honor to serve IN the house of God WITH the Body of Christ.

To worship ... pray ... cry out to God on behalf of a people who are hurting ... lost ... dying ... IS the heart of God for those people. God loves those hurting, dying, lost people in our neighborhoods, cities, state, country and world that many of us don't even see as we go about our busy lives. Look at the old testiment prophets and leaders ... often they cried out to God on BEHALF of the people ... much less often are they quoted crying out to God on their own behalf. Don't get me wrong ... I'm thankful for David's psalms of crying out to God ... I need examples of those who know how to cry out to God in their own times of crisis! But my Christian life has been focused entirely too much on ME ... on my little things ... my feelings ... my emotions ... and it's really a season for me of ... -getting over myself- and realizing that there is work to do and a hurting world that needs Jesus and that I have a duty as a Warrior and part of the Body of Christ.

I could fill every single gathering with my own demands, needs, and perspective but I am seeing how having a Christ driven perspective for the heart of God's people changes lives ... brings about excitement, anticpation and responsibility that doesn't make us a fat and happy little congregation that hunkers down in the walls of the building praying to be taken on home to be with the Lord. It gives us purpose ... and it changes lives!

Good gravy what a babble ... I pray that it makes some little bit of sense ... this is probably a better 3 hour conversation at Starbucks than blog post kinda thing ... but ... maybe you guys can -get- me in there somewhere.

Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

2008-03-13T05:49:00.001-04:00

Thought someone might enjoy this one as well ... gangster/folk rap battle ...

Flight of the Conchords- Business Time

2008-03-13T05:46:00.001-04:00

Hope your Wednesday was BUSY!

What's in it for us?

2008-03-12T07:13:00.003-04:00

Mostly Tuesday mornings are a massive pain at work ... we have copious amounts of paperwork to complete ... tons of i's to dot and t's to cross ... but yesturday something amazing happened ...

at 4:45am 5 of my boys got up ... showered, dressed, made their beds, cleaned their rooms, completed their chores, and walked out of the cottage with RJ at 5:15am to be a Men's Prayer by 6am. MY BOYS! The same ones who always want to know what's in it for them ... where are their interests served. The same boys who normally are so battered and conditioned by life to look out for themselves ... the same ones who often barely drag out of bed for the 7:25am school bus. The same ones who are just coming to know God in any way shape or form ... who consistently have made horrible decisions about their lives ... who have been in jail ... been regular drug users ... been in gangs ... have frequently had sex in the bathroom AT SCHOOL with their girlfriends ... who fight way way WAY more than they know how to walk away ... who have professed atheism ... one who was at one time practicing Satanic worship ... who have been abused ... abandoned ... been victimizers & victims ... . The same ones who were up late on Monday night after their opening Basketball team loss ... who in their minds have EVERY reason in the world to be selfish ...

they were up at 4:45am to go to intercessory prayer with the RealMen group at our church, C3Greensboro. They were downing coffee like seasoned veterans and they were praying and sharing what they felt God put on their hearts with 56 other grown men ... most of whom are phenominal prayer warriors. And they were happy and excited to be there ...

I remember those days of all night prayer in college ... the mornings at the Baptist church downtown Boone when we would drag in and pray ... and be happy to be there and praying ...

and then I look at myself now and i wonder ... what happened to that joy ... that excitement when we had a chance to meet with God ... that sense of expectation and wonder and awe that He would speak to us ... instruct us ... answer us ... hold us ... challenge us ...

and then I look at my boys ... and I am humbled ... and I wonder ...

When did growing up mean growing stale with God ... growing apathetic ... growing fat and lazy spiritually ... growing selfish ... sitting around wondering what I was going to get out of worship or church or the message. Looking for MY prophetic word or MY encouragement ... ?? When did it become ok to wallow ... to throw my own "it's just not fresh anymore" pity parties ... indulging my flesh when I wanted to and then having the audacity to turn around and whine because God just wasn't motivating me any more.

I look at my boys ... and I realize it's all a matter of choice. Would I fight harder if it was my life on the line or the lives of those I love. Yes of course I would ... so why don't I see the urgency in my life??? Why is it so easy to tell myself that it's just a day ... no big deal ... ? Why is it now ok in my life to be so casual with God that I refuse to let that sense of urgency and purpose rise up in me and roar? We used to live with it ... used to let it guide us ... used to let it push us to stay up late ... risk rejection ... deny ourselves ...

Now I feel like some old glory days athelete looking back and talking about "when we were on fire" ... and reliving those stories of exploits and daring as though it's all I have to my spiritual credit. When did risks just not become worth it ... ? When did I decide to just ... be grown, settled, and content with the status quo? When did I become so important to myself that my comfort and my -needs- and my feelings supercede my need to press INTO God and fight the good fight?

I wonder about it all ... then think about the looks on the faces of my ragtag boys as they get excited about the privledge of getting up at 4:45am to go pray ...

Caroline

Pressing in ...

2008-03-05T22:27:00.002-05:00

Tonight we took all 8 of our boys to our church ... it was the most amazing experience I've ever had with young people. I'm almost too overwhelmed to talk about it ... one of my boys who has adamently said He doesn't believe in God at all got saved tonight. Another who has never openly made any positive comment about God make a declaration of faith as well. Our boys raised their hands ... praised God with all their hearts ... participated in deep prayer for each other and our city ... then came home and wanted to pray for each other again before we could get them to go to bed.

I'm humbled to see how AWESOME the hand of God is ... and to realize how profoundly important our responsibility in their lives is. For those of you who still pray for us ... for those of you who prayed for us today ... I can't thank you enough. Today there are blossoms on the vine ... and I pray that God will show us how to protect, nurture, encourage, and guide those blossoms into amazing fruit. I have this feeling in my heart that some of you are going to be meeting our boys soon ... I can hardly wait for that day!

I love you guys ... across miles ... and time ... and I'm so thankful that for God ... there IS NO time or distance! You are precious friends who have been points of inspiration to us when You've had no idea that you were ... and I am so grateful to be able to call you family ... in frequent contact and in times of separation. You guys are amazing!

Caroline

The Long Sleep ...

2008-03-05T11:22:00.002-05:00

It's been an insane 6 months or so for RJ and I ... much much work ... some struggles ... some victories ... . I've missed you guys very much ... it's just been hard to find the energy to sit down and start sharing but last night on the way home from Women's prayer ... I basically realized it's spring again ... and a year ago I started this blog to keep myself focused ... I still need that focus. I still need your voices in my life! I'll write more soon and probably do some redesign ... and I'll try to rouse RJ from His slumber as well and get him back in the writing mode.

love,

Caroline

It's Sunday ...

2007-08-20T01:45:00.000-04:00

No fancy titles tonight nor any really catchy themes unfortunately! ~laughs~ It's been a while since I've posted though so I feel obligated to -pony up- something lest I begin to worry everyone.

So it's been crazy lately and I feel drained ... lots going on here with our kids at work ... with work itself ... with our friends ... and with me. I haven't been sleeping much and that stinks but it'll work itself out I am sure.

We went to church this morning and it was definitely the highlight of my week ... well that and last Wednesday night at church. You know ... it's been so long ... so incredibly long since -church- was home. We went YEARS with no church and trying to find out way through just the encouragement of friends and our praise CD's and what we -knew- to do. I am convinced the greatest point of suffering for us in the last ten years has been the lack of a good church home.

Granted ... we didn't have a great many choices in Havelock and the area after the -big burn- with FCF and the ensuing fallout ... but since then ... it's just been a long long valley that eventually gave way to a desert that was completely overwhelming. We didn't even really bother to try to find a church here when we moved ... just like we gave up on church in Havelock. We can only attend every other week so that's a daunting point in terms of trying to get committed and build relationships ... BUT ... we are finally home!

I love ... LOVE LOVE LOVE our church! I love the people ... I love the variety ... I love the music ... I love the ministerial staff ... I love the Word that is brought forth and expounded on ... I love Paster Whit ... I love that HE is finally someone that I think that I can -trust- from the pulpit again. We haven't had the opportunity or FOUND the opportunity in years to find a church that truly encourages and feeds us as well as clicks with our own convictions. Christian City Church of Greensboro is finally that place we believe. For years I've walked into church with more armour on mentaly, spiritually, and emotionally than anyone ought to have to. I have analyzed every jot and tittle ... every time of ministry ... every word spoken in the pulpit ... EVERYTHING to the point that it was an exercise in misery ... not a time of spiritual renewal.

Pastor Whit got the same level of skepticism and guardedness that I've given every other Pastor that I've encountered for the last 10 or more years. I basically walked in and said to myself but to him - "I dare you to prove that you can be trusted". I tore apart everything that took place in corporate ministry. I riffled through the webpages ... I looked ... I searched ... I WAITED for the shoe to drop. I don't mean that I've looked for problems with other people or whether or not there are ever difficulties but I mean ... I have examined the voice of the Man ... because I don't think I can stand to be burned like we were before.

Every test ... every question ... every point that means EVERYTHING to me ... God has answered at CCC. Paster Whit touched on church authority and trust on Wednesday night ... I bawled my head off. He spoke about trust being essential in allowing a Paster to lead the congregation. He spoke about needing to believe in the vision that God gives him as the leader of the chruch and the elders in confirmation of that vision. Normally this whole topic would have sent me to through the door without even bothering to hear the rest. I have been unable to trust ... utterly. HOWEVER ... He also spoke about the importance of ceasing that trust when there is a check in your spirit or there is a violation of your conscience taking place. This was freedom on a platter for me! I NEEDED to hear this from the Paster so badly. He stressed that it's important not to let our belief that we know what is best for the running of the church become a point of contention when it didn't match what he felt was the leading of the Lord for our church -- (hello John & Helen!) but he also pointed out that you can not blindly obey a man when there is a violation of true conscience or a serious check in your spirit.

Today he spoke about taking our cares to the Lord. This is a theme that he has been expounding on for several weeks. He was speaking of about Hannah and Eli in the temple and how Hannah took her cares to God ... NOT to the Priest necessarily. She let the Priest know that she was troubled but she WENT to the ALTER to take her burden to the Lord ... she knew that her problem was a God sized problem ... not a Man sized problem. He made the point that so many times we don't take God sized problems to God ... we mope around ... hoping someone at church will notice and that we can be ministered to. Or that we fall into being disgruntled and complaining and always seeking -counsel- but really seeking attention. He pointed out that many times we need to simply take things before the LORD ... and that it's great when a Pastor or minister knows that we are struggling to support us in prayer but that EVERYTHING doesn't need to be known in detail by the Ministry team. THIS was important to me because it shows me that he trusts GOD to be in control ... that he doesn't feel that he must be.

The church is very large ... which at first bothered me. There are about 700 people there on Sundays ... sometimes as many as 1,000. I felt that it would be so hard for us to get involved because of our schedule and it's so easy to be lost in a large crowd. Not so. We spoke to Paster Whit after service Wednesday night ... and this morning he remembered EXACTLY what we had told him and was surprised that we were there. He thought we were working this weekend. May not seem like much ... but it impressed me.

The church is great ... we leave encouraged ... challenged ... and ready to face our Giants. The messages are relevant and that push us ... while being comforting and inspirational at the same time. We've heard several people in leadership speak and that too has been great. Each person has brought solid word and insight. The worship is amazing ... it's ... Home. I am thankful.

As for the rest of my wrestlings this week ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... or maybe I'll just keep taking them to the alter and watch the Lord work as my faith grows.

Speaking of Faith ... Paster Whit touched on that this morning too ... maybe I'll write more tommorrow ... it was good stuff.

Anyways ... I love you guys. I'm still here ... we are still fighting ... but we know we aren't alone!

Bringing a weekend Warrior to a professional Fight ...

2007-08-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

It's been a tough few weeks ... tougher than most ... when I haven't really understood the reason why. Things have been screwy in ways that make no sense and have left me questioning every emotion I feel and every -interpretation- of other's words that I perceive. Any break down in communication that could go wrong, has gone wrong. It's divide and conquer at it's simpliest ... yet most effective. I finally talked to Hoddie yesturday and the pieces just started falling together as we spoke. After we got off the phone, I heard God say ... this Caroline, is what happens when you bring a weekend Warrior to a professional fight. Can I say - ugh ... it was a kick in the gut. One that I sorely needed.

I was reminded of the movie 300 ... it's out on video now if you didn't have a chance to see it in the theaters. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie when the 300 Spartans are leaving out with Leonidas towards the Gates of Thermopalye ... and they meet up with their fellow countrymen, the Arkadians. Their leader complains forcefully that Leonidas only brought 300 men and that the Spartan contribution was not nearly as great as their own. Leonidas responds to the accusations:

Spartan King Leonidas: You there! What is your profession? [points to Arkadian soldier behind Daxos]
Arkadian soldier #1: A potter, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: Hm... and you, Arkadian - what is your profession? [points to another soldier]
Arkadian soldier #2: I'm a blacksmith, sir.
Spartan King Leonidas: [turns to his soldiers] Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: Harooh! Harooh! Harooh! [simultaneous, followed and preceded by immediate silence]
Spartan King Leonidas: [turning to Daxos] You see, old friend? I brought more soldiers than you did.

Spartans were born for battle, bred for battle, and trained for battle every day of their lives. They were soliders first and all else a distant second. Battle was in their soul ... they were fearless, merciless, and unflinching in the face of the enemy.

I have been an Arkadian in a Spartan needed battle. We are in our own -Hot Gates- right now and I've been a mild mannered CCW by day and a sometimes reckless solider at night. THIS battles calls for the Spartan in me ... and I have responded with an out of shape, poorly equipped Arkadian. There is no excuse. There is no pacifying answer.

For such a time as this ... it is time to lay down the toys ... and take up the seriousness of the call ,.. on this earth AND in the heavenlies! I know that it's time to echo the words and sentiment of Leonidas in this battle - "This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. This is where they die. ... Give them nothing! But take from them everything!" And the words of Queen Gorgo - "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrifice. The price is paid in blood."

It's true, our blood price has been paid ... but that does not mean that there is no demand upon us to fight for the freedom to claim the victory Jesus won. We have battles to wage in the heavenlies for the souls of those who would know HIM and be HIS ... these battles aren't over in an hour and they aren't always pretty. That which is free for the taking from our Savoir cost Him everything ... how can I be willing to pay less of a price.

We sit and speak of spiritual things ... so casually ... so cavalierly as though it's just some simple little moment or two of prayer. The attack is real. The battle is real. And my own casual non-challance has brought me to my knees rather than on my feet ... sword and shield at the ready. My talk is the cheapest of rags this day ... it's training day ... today ... and every day. Though they make their bed in hell ... we will go after them ... praying for them ... reaching to them ... interceeding on their behalf ... standing in the gap ... head bloodied but un bowed ....

It's time to live the words ...

Take my quiz!

2007-08-01T13:02:00.000-04:00

~laughing~ too funny! I found this goofy quiz thing and made one since I can't sleep for some reason ... thanks Jan for hitting it up! It just was one of those silly things I had so much fun doing ... anyone else up for creating one? I am down for getting quizzed on you guys! Pulllllleasssssssseeeeeeeeeee???? (NO I am not getting paid to solict traffic ~snickers~) I just thought it was fun and I REALLY needed a laugh today!

Ever just felt tired and frustrated?

2007-08-01T05:20:00.000-04:00

~laughs~ Nawwww ... not you guys! ~sighs~ I am so tired right now ... my house is a wreck and I feel like all I do is clean up after cats. For someone who is NOT a reknowned housekeeper it stinks to begin with ... but to feel like you are cleaning up constantly after ANIMALS is another. Don't get me wrong ... I love my babies but ... holy enchilada batman ... they make such a mess. I'm not talking about the hair ... I'm talking about the fact that since we only LIVE in this house half the month ... it's THEIR house! Which means when we are gone ... they have full run of the joint ... and the STRANGEST things are treasures to a cat. I have walked around my house tonight picking up hair bows, Christmas bows (BIG FAVORITE), milk tops, bottle caps, assorted pieces of fluff, 47 hundred pre-made cat toys, cellophane wraps, bits of toilet paper and paper towels (yes they shredded an ENTIRE roll this week but that's usual), match sticks, ... pretty much every stupid thing under the sun and THEY have the audacity to sit and watch me and look offended that I am fooling with their supreme organizational masterpiece.

We have Nick in the guest room so there is stuff in boxes lining the hall of my already small house ... we pack and unpack every week so that's a chore in and of itself ... there are laundry baskets everywhere ... there were dirty dishes to tackle from when we left last week ... those STUPID 12 can boxes that soda come in to crush, a million and one pieces of junk mail to wade through after I JUST did that ... floors (only one room in our house is carpeted, all the rest are hardwood floors) to be cleaned that I haven't gotten to yet, a kitchen floor that NEVER looks clean because of course, it's the site of the daily, nay hourly cat fest complete with halftime food soccer and goalie action for entertainment, the fridge needs cleaning out ... AGAIN because of course I bought food we didn't eat and it's gone bad, cabinets to try to fit MORE food into and new drinking glasses with almost NO space ... books to put away with maxed out bookshelves ... strange fluids to clean up on the floors because cats throw up and they like to share that with as many rooms as possible (WHILE doing it ... so that everyone else can see the spectacularness of their show), a leaking toilet that I have to get fixed, NO room in the bathroom and about a jillion things to put away ... and ... I'm overwhelmed.

Add to that ... a new crack in our brand new car's windshield to get replaced, a great deal of personal crises and frustrations with our friends here ... trying to get to see my Mom and Dad sometime in the next century and already overwhelming fall plans ...

I would love to cry but there are no tears. I have been on two -emergency- errands this week to help out friends that live like ... 40 mins away ... and that has been taxing as well as just watching people we love struggle. I feel like Satan is just standing over the pot of our lives and stirring it with his little finger and laughing. Now I know that may sound silly ... it's just this feeling that I have. Nick, Rich and I fasted this weekend and it's like ... voila ... hell hath come for a visit!

I know that all this seems silly and trivial and I sound like a superficial blowhard ... I'm just venting ... I love my babies ... I love my friends ... I am happier than I have been in a while on one hand ... but on the other ... I feel like our lives are just being ... whipped into a frenzy because of our recent stands on spiritual things and frankly ... I'm losing my wind ... AND it's just too early in the -game- for me to be winded. I can think of a thousand things I am doing wrong or not doing enough of ... but in the end ... right now I'm just tired ...

love you guys!

Just a glimpse

2007-07-23T04:07:00.000-04:00

So I'm still working on coming to terms with the new hair do thingie ... ~laughs~ Sometimes I'm ok with it and sometimes I'm thinking ... what have I done to myself. I've not come as far as I'd like in the self esteem department and believe me ... not having any hair as a woman is SOMETHING to overcome all by itself.

The strangest thing is ... I hate the feeling and I look at pictures and think ... "who is that woman" but other people CONSTANTLY tell me that I should keep it cut really short. I am thinking to myself ... "what in the world is wrong with you people???" It just doesn't feel like me yet but I have a feeling that by the time it DOES feel like me ... it will have grown out tremendously!

In the meantime ... I just remind myself how short my showers are and how much money I am saving on expensive shampoo and conditioner. ~laughing~ I have never been one to be overly fixated on looks ... maybe because I've never felt like I had anything much to offer in the looks department but boy let me tell you ... vanity takes on a whole new perspective when you are trying real hard not to look like you are batting for the -other team- so to speak. I find myself wearing much more feminine things ... less bulky t'shirts and more makeup and jewlery just so I won't be mistaken for some boy or some well ... *coughs* you know.

It's all been an adventure of sorts and I've been blessed with many affirming friends so I am very thankful! It's been a busy few weeks here at the house but I am hoping that things will settle down soon. We can't keep this all night long every night pace up forever, to be sure! We go back to work on Tuesday and I am sure it's going to be some more adjustments there as we got new boys in during the last week while we've been off.

You guys please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We love you all very much and miss you more than you can imagine. Soon guys ... we have to stop talking and start really planning to get together. I need dates ... I can make the arrangements but you guys need to start giving me real dates that you can get together so we can make this happen! We have access to the mountain home in Black Mountain, right outside of Asheville for mega cheap - $200 a week total with sleeping facilities for 19 and a kitchen to cook all our meals in. It has a huge back screened and glassed in porch with windows that open out the entire length and sides of it. It's a fantastic place with great location and enough solitude to really enjoy yourself. Alternatively ... we can always go the beach route and I can look into getting a place during the fall when the rent is cheaper for a week down there should everyone's schedule permit. Just let me know so I can get to working on it.

There's one in every house!

2007-07-19T16:00:00.000-04:00

This is my baby Craver. He was a feral kitten, literally dying the day our boys found him outside the cottage. He was captured (they thought this was a generous thing) because he couldn't outrun our boys due to his pitiful condition. They came bursting into the cottage proudly holding this little ball of fluff that was so encrusted with congestion that his nose was totally sealed over with it and both eyes were nearly glued shut. He could barely breathe and he was terrified.

At the time we already had 5 cats and were NOT in the market for an addition to the family but one look at the poor thing and it was clear ... he was about 24 hours away from being history. So ... of course, we went into emergency vet mode, drug out all of our kitten saving supplies, cleaned the poor thing's face, and started dropper feeding him. He was between 3 and 4 weeks old then. He made it through the first night but it was fairly clear he wasn't going to last without serious meds so it was another HUGE chunk of change down the tubes for unexpected vet bills and viola ... the boy is a fighter! He survived.

And now ... we live in the constant grips of STORM CRAVER. I have never had such a hyper adolescent cat! He will be 1 in the late fall and I am telling you ... he is a destruction machine! ~laughing~ Feral cats are difficult to socialize and maintain if they are more than 6 weeks old when they are handled by humans. If they are even as much as 8 to 10 weeks old it's a good bet they will never be totally socialized at all. We've had good luck with both of our straight out of the wild ferals ... mostly due to the fact that we have so many socialized cats already that do must of the work keeping the little dickens in line! Young Master Craver however is just the epitome of -teenage- boy. He is filled with boundless energy that few of our more older and sedate cats appreciate. He compensates for their lack of zeal by waging intricate and highly technical sneak attacks on the most unsuspecting of them ... relying craftily on his ultra stealth and wiry speed to extract him from the claws of some of our more substantial babies who would happily rip him to bits like an inviting couch cushion if they could only maneuver their bulk with half his speed. He lives to spy the unsuspecting elder just lounging in the sun partaking in a few moments of their normal 20 hours of sleep a day ... and then moves in for the trauma. He lives for chaos and the ensuing grand mal proportion seizure he inspires in his unsuspecting victims seems to be his sustaining addiction. My poor babies.

Nothing is safe from my maniac boy ... he equal opportunity attacks wall hangings, boxes, dirty clothes, claw posts, my chair, the blinds ... you name it. Cats are suposed to sleep around 20 hours a day but I am thinking he has a secret stash of caffiene that he's mainlining these days. Add to that ... our second youngest, Nala (we believe his sister from another litter) is in heat and now ... he's discovered sex drive. We can't get her fixed when she is in a heat cycle so that's added a whole new element to the mix ... ~laughing~

I guess this was just the long way of saying ... I can't get any sleep ... Storm Craver is in full effect and there is no place I can hide. I put Nala in the room with me to protect her virtue and she squals like no tommorrow cause she NEEDS! I put Craver in the room with me to leave Nala unmolested and everything that can even be remotely mistaken for a toy is fodder for his limitless energy and if he can find nothing else ... he plants himself on my legs and chases his tail ... for HOURS. I am so tired ... ~pitiful whine inserted here~ ....

oh ... did I mention we cheered the sun up again this morning after a night of devastating spades ... experimental mojitos and melonballs, serious amounts of pizza, cheesecake, dr. pepper, and *coughs* Marlboros. Yes ... I started smoking at the end of last summer ... *sighs* ... we can discuss my quitting another day. Right now ... I feel the little hairs standing up on the back of my neck and I have this sinking feeling that something is about to jump on me ...

It's all good!

2007-07-18T12:40:00.000-04:00

WOW ... I've been so busy lately that I am totally slacking in blog land. Kinda selfish of me in the sense that I feel deprived if you guys don't blog every day ... not that I assume that you're reading MY blog every day ... but I can't demand more than I'm willing to give ... right? ~grins~

Anyways ... we've had a great last few weeks ... a challenging but promising group of boys at the cottage ... a fantastic house guest and spades so hard core that someone might get a contusion one of these nights in the heat of the battle! ~laughing~ We've had some of our old residents come back to visit ... one of our cat's fathers on an extended visit ... more old friends coming this weekend ... a room to paint ... lots of socializing to do ... church ... jujitsu ... and did I mention spades?

In the midst of it all ... of the goodness and the blessed reprieve from my own desert slough ... I did find myself this morning with an I wish list. Not that I'm discontent ... just that I have a few longings that I really hope get fulfilled ... I'd like to think that doesn't mean I'm greedy! ~winks~

My wish list ...

*Reaffirming our wedding vows on our 10th anniversary in December with the Rev. Kevin Thomasson officiating and just our friends present ...

*One long balmy but not hot night on a porch (beach or mountains) with one pipe, two double old fashioned glasses, one bottle of Caol Ila, plenty of 7-up on ice, a pack of Nat Sherman's, some good Scots-Irish music, and conversation with my friend Reed Thomas ... I don't think there is anyone I'd enjoy that time with more ...

*One really balls-to-the-wall Boston trip with Molly and Dan and RJ complete with Fenway Park, a dip in the north Atlantic ... and all the other trimmings ...

*One weekend getaway for just the girls with Jan, Helen, Dar, Cindy, and Julie ... no kids and enough cash to do some impulse spending!

*An endless supply of Brouwerij Westvleteren (Sint-Sixtusabdij van Westvleteren), a beach house, one long weekend, great deck chairs, and Greg and Dan to discuss the finner points of BEER while I just sit at the feet of the Masters and take notes ~laughing~ I can not imagine what the two of them could unearth about beer, life, and quantum physics ...

*A missions trip to Asia with RJ, John & Helen, Dan & Molly, Greg & Jan, Andrew & Dar, Kevin & Christina, Kevin & Bond, Brian & Ashely (RJ's jujitsu sensei & his wife), Shane & Rachel, Rodney & Kim, and Reed & Tab ... I can NOT imagine what an amazing time that would be!

*An afternoon spying on John, Kevin, Reed, Rodney, and Andrew with their kids at the park ... with NO wives present ... ~laughing~ This image just cracks me up for some reason!

*A Shama Shama throw down night of prayer, praise, and ministry with all of the above mentioned folks ... plus THE RICKY, Nick, Monique, Baily, Caleb, and any of the other kids who can stay up that long!

These are just a few ... and I will note that I exercised CONSIDERABLE restraint in not listing Starbucks in any of my wishes *grins* ...

Anyways ... anyone else have a few to add?

The Fourth of July

2007-07-06T00:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the best times come in the most unexpected packages or places. Yesturday we spent the day with Ricky, Sheri (his daughter), Tori (his daughter), Shane, Rachel, Nick, and Dan. We went to the church picnic in the park first and then headed back to Shane and Rachel's place. The guys got fresh cuts and we braved huge crowds to go watch fireworks at the lake. I think it was a lake ... we never got close enough to see the water! ~laughs~ Later, the fuzz busted up our home fireworks display due to the lateness of the hour but we had a great day none the less. Check out the montage if you wanna see the pics!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My finished Midori

2007-07-04T00:36:00.000-04:00

Okay ... finally a real finished picture of my girl. The kanji on the side represent loyalty and passion.

I'm already wondering if there is anything else that I can get! ~laughing~ Actually I think RJ will be next with more work on his back and probably some Warrior stuff added to his arms ... should be pretty neat ... some of the coolest stuff is done in black and grey so I am thinking that's what he'll do.

*Update on the tattoo shop deal with Shane ... we went to look at the place that we believe that God is going to be opening up the doors for ... it was FAR and ABOVE anything to do with the current shop that has fallen through for Shane's shop. One of the things I spoke to he and Rachel about on Sunday was that the current shop is too secluded ... there isn't a way to easily socialize which I believe is going to be a huge part of Shane's ministry use of his business. Shane would be isolated in the back behind two closed doors. The place we looked at tonight has an OPEN floor plan with perfect space for EVERY THING! The plumbing is even already done to accomidate their needs! And perfect places to chill and share with folks who come back to just connect a little bit. We prayed last night that if the current shop wasn't the place that God would give us HIS best ... not what we thought was best ... and tonight ... well ... let's just say ... GOD IS GOOD all the time! We all joined hands and prayed at the new place tonight and asked that if this was the place ... that He would deliver it into Shane's hands and that Shane would give every effort within it to Him. It was amazing. Shane and Ricky were both in tears. Good stuff ...

Wine, Pipes, Tattoos and other objectionable things ...

2007-07-03T17:51:00.000-04:00

I considered starting out this post saying ... "So I was sitting on the porch the other night sipping a glass of wine while RJ smoked his pipe and we discussed our newest plans for tattoos ... " but that wouldn't be the truth so I'll just say ... I imagined the scenario in the course of reading several other blogs recently ...

Which started me thinking about the -rules- so to speak. When we were in college (and over 21) several of us would have considered it a big issue or a matter of concern if someone were drinking. It was semi-considered a -sign- of trouble ... a hint of a deeper problem ... a rebellion of sorts. Same with smoking a cigar, pipe, or cigarette and well, tattoos hadn't come into fashion really so much yet so that wasn't something I think that we thought much about. You guys remember how it was though ... you didn't just tell people you had a tasty dark ale while watching a great old movie like Casablanca last night on TV ... either you didn't mention it at all which held a sort of hidden shame or deliciousness or you announced it boldly and dared someone to question it and still probably felt some sort of inner turmoil about it -- maybe secretly wondering whether it was really ok or not. The whole -what's my motivation- ruthless self examination that we constantly engaged in -- some for the good, some for the bad.

At any rate ... the -rules-. I used to think the rules were good. I used to think they were NECESSARY ... INTREGAL ... in the life of a Christian ... ESPECIALLY a young Christian. After all, if we didn't help them out with all the rules, they might slide right on back into sin ... not part from their evil friends and lifestyles and well, we truly cared for them so what gift did we give? RULES. Not grace and teaching and understanding about personal conviction and God's power to hold and mold those who give themselves to HIM ... but RULES.

Rules are safe -- right? Rules help you know where the boundaries are and help you to avoid trouble. Rules keep us on the path. To a point, that's very true. Parents laydown rules for children in order to nurture, discipline, and teach them the right paths and the safe roads. Funny thing is ... most of the time ... you don't see children in a group setting dictating too many rules on other children. Now occassionally you might get the "ohhhhhhhhh you aren't supposed to do that" from some child or another but who told them? It usually isn't enlightened advice peer to peer that sticks with young children. It's PARENTAL advice, guidance, and voice that molds and impacts young children most. Yes, there are exceptions and bad behavoir is certainly imitated among young kids but GOOD behavior and modeling comes from a parental figure ... not a peer figure.

As a child grows up ... then they are more inclined to take advice from peers than their parents and often suffer for those mistakes. Then ... eventually they get to be adults and realize how brilliant their parents actually were and have a whole new level of respect for them. Right?

What I'm driving at here is ... I think too often ... we jump in to play God in the lives of new or young Christians ... weighing them down with OUR rules ... taught to US other by other peers or in some cases by a personal conviction of our Father Authority figure - the Lord. We fail many times to consider that our rules MIGHT not be someone else's rules. We are so anxious to see success as WE perceive it that we want to do God's job for Him, you know ... give Him a hand in taking care of the flock. What we don't realize is that many times we burden young Christians with the rules that seem important to us but that are superficial to the Lord. Speak to a new Christian about the Lord's heart ... speak to him about learning to hear the Lord's voice in his Bible and private times ... and you are equipping him FAR more effectively than our list of Judeo-Christian socially accepted mores and rules. Sometimes in spite of all our lip service to God's power, we behave as though He is incapable of holding, keeping, or maintaining His own. Ultimately we forget that GOD is in control and that we aren't always needed as the well meaning but self appointed police force / parental brigade to new Christians.

This is not to say that I don't think accountability is important but if all your accountability relationship with someone is ... is rules ... then it's hardly as effective and meaningful as it's supposed to be. Accountability asks a person if God has spoken to them on a matter and asks what God's heart might be on a matter ... RULES ... well ... they just give rigid marks that are often more obstacle oriented than grace oriented.

I see a great deal more merit these days in allowing God's power and grace to do the convicting on a believer's life than imparting or inflicting MY rules ... maybe even my God given rules upon them. For example ... our friends Shane and Rachel. If you've been following my blog you know who they are. Shane is a new Christian who just gave his life to the Lord about 2 months ago. He doesn't know alot of the rules yet and frankly, I thank god for that. If someone had grabbed Shane the day he got saved and said, you know, you are living in sin with Rachel and you guys have to cut that out or you won't be right with God, I think it would have changed the course of his entire walk with God so far.(Shane was married prior and they can't get married until all the court stuff is finished, but they absolutely plan on it) It would have certainly been a burden, a worry, and a source of great conflict in his new life with the Lord. Instead, people ministered love, acceptance, and grace to him. They have started teaching him about the nature of God and about how to hear the Lord's voice, both in the Bible and his private times with God. He didn't get ruled to death ... literally ... in the midst of his new life. Interesting thing is ... without all those rules, he is making changes in his life and lifestyle. He is editing his language for example ... not because he was told to but because God is living inside of him and is convicting him. The Lord is doing the work ... not man's rules.

The funny thing to me is ... if you read what our friends are saying now ... they seem to enjoy their liberty in the Lord while not taking advantage of it. Their hearts are keen and open to the Lord ... their relationships with Him are intimate. They love with GRACE ... not the hand of authority or RULE ... they minister grace, forgiveness, and compassion while imparting deep truths that truly help through life's tough challenges and faith crises. They take the time to ask "What's God sayign to you about this" or to share their own struggles and lessons the Lord has shown them ... and less time telling me that my glass of wine is the gateway to damnation and that no self respecting God-fearing Christian woman would have a tattoo. They minister WHO God is ... NOT requirements for righteousness that God may or may not have given them ... they know now that in light of requirements and rules ... we all fall short. They understand more that grace is the extension that gives us hope, that gives us LIFE ... and that causes us to truly grow in the Lord and in HIS freedom.

Good gravy I am a babbler!

A Heck of a Day at Sea ...

2007-07-03T14:06:00.000-04:00

So the last 48 hours have been quite a ride but you know ... that really IS how God rolls ... never predictable ... always astounding! Check out RJ's blog for the lowdown on church Sunday ... it was phenominal!

The REST of the story is that after our long lunch with Shane and Rachel we went home and I started researching their case through the North Carolina Real Estate Commission. I crafted a letter for him to send to his realator and we are believing for supernatural favor in the entire situation. Whether it's a new building that is more condusive to ministry or it's the existing building that gets re-zoned. We spent all day on Monday at the existing shop (not open for business) with Shane and Ricky and tons of people who just dropped by to check on the status of the shop, sorting receipts and working on our strategy. We dropped letters off at the real estate office AND sent them certified mail so please please please be praying.

The coolest thing was getting to SEE the changes that the Lord has made in Shane in EVERY way. He was sharing the Lord with everyone who came around ... not in a pushy way but in an -I am completely unashamed and committed- way. He has a friend that we met a few years ago named Red who is very close to him and VERY VERY anti-Christian on the surface. He is bitter and angry and defensive ... but honestly, when I see him ... I see a hurt little child who is afraid that he is going to lose all his friends to God. I think he was trying to be kinda hostile towards us yesturday but I didn't see it ... all I could see was hurt and fear. Shane just took him around back and talked to him about God and it was really fantastic. Red is afraid that he will lose all his friends and you know ... he's afraid of what he'd have to change and all that to be a Christian but ... it's clear, God is walking him down.

Anyways ... along with all our time at the shop working on the financial stuff ... we hooked up with one of our former residents, Nick. We have had many kids that impacted our lives over the last 3 years but I don't think anyone has touched us in quite the way that Nick did. We STILL have a picture of Nick on the fridge at the cottage. When he came to us he had long hair, he was angry, smoking lots of dope, and completely resistant. He was with us an unusual 119 ... we are only supposed to have them for 60 days but this really worked out in a fantastic way for us to ge to keep him so long. Long story sorta short, he returned to his family but still struggled with a number of issues and ended up going to Job Corps for a while but he has never really -found- his place so to speak.

We reconnected with him about a year ago through myspace which we frequently use to try to keep up with some of our kids ... but we only just exchanged a few messages in passing. He was busy and well you know ... one's former house parents may tend to cramp one's style. Anyways ... a few weeks ago I was reading his myspace and realized that he had enlisted in the United States Marine Corps and would be leaving soon. I sat and cried when I read it ... for a number of reasons ... pride and fear mostly I suppose. Of course the military has a very special place in my heart but it's always personal for me when we know someone going in. At any rate, we messaged Nick to get in touch with us and finally exchanged numbers and agreed to meet before he leaves in a couple of weeks. Well he called yesturday as we were leaving to go to the shop, so RJ went to pick him up while I met up with Shane and Ricky to start work.

During the course of our time hanging out and working I realized that Nick had already quit his job to go into the Corps but his departure date had been delayed. He was living in an apartment with no electricity and had been for two weeks. He didn't even have a job so I have no idea how he was eating ... he's already too skinny! ~laughs~ ... I had a quick conference with RJ which essentially consisted of me saying ... "Rich, Nick's electricity has already been turned off and he has been living there for two weeks with no phone and no electric" ... to which RJ responded by looking at Nick and saying, "So you'll be staying with us for a few weeks huh?". God, I love that man! Soooooooooo we have a house guest for a couple of weeks until he leaves for MEPS ... I am so happy to have him here ... he's a great young man now at 19 and he's so excited about going into the Corps. I believe that he is making a great decision for himself and that he needs this to gain a sense of accomplishment that he hasn't been able to attain previously.

The pic is of RJ and Nick this morning in front of the house. The way the Lord works ... it's indeed mysterious sometimes. Pray for us please ... for the tattoo ministry ... for Nick getting ready to go ... and that we will have the chance to say the things that God would have us say to Nick during this time before he goes.

I love you guys!

The next big -thing- ...

2007-06-30T21:40:00.000-04:00

So today RJ and I splurged in a big way and bought almost $500 worth of paint and painting supplies. The paint is mostly Ralph Lauren and it's supposed to be quite the challenge to work with ... but hey we figure ... having NEVER painted a single room we have lived in ... why start small right?? ~laughing~

I was telling RJ last week while we were at work that I have never painted a single room that I've lived in my entire life. We moved a bit growing up but I was never allowed to pick the colors of my room and even as an adult, I have never moved into a residence and painted a room the way I really wanted it to be. My sister, Jennifer is a champ at this. She paints immediately when she moves in or gets an idea and I've always admired her courageous spirit. Maybe I'm just lazy and it always seemed to be so much work ... or many it's just that I always simply accepted what was there and worked around it. Last week I finally told Rich that I was sick of always having white walls and of never putting my real -mark- on our home. So ... we started planning ...

We have lived in this house for three years ... when we first moved in it seemed plenty big. Of course now, it feels way too small. We only have two bedrooms in this house and it's laid out in a pretty strange way. I won't get into all the deficits ... there are things I love about this house. We rent it because it's on the grounds where we work, but we have always been free to decorate it however we wished ... we just haven't done much beyond hang pictures and get furniture. Anyways ... we have used the second bedroom as a -guest room- for three years. Only we've had guests to spend the night a mere twice since we moved in. Once my sister and once my parents. Otherwise, the room acts as a command center for our going back and forth to work baggage. We just come home from a week at work and dump everything in there and live out of our suitcases in that room. The second room is the ONLY room in the house that our 5 furry babies have NO access to.

Now for those of you who don't live in a home managed by cats ... you can't really understand what I am getting at here. Our cats live here more than we do and frankly ... they let us know frequently that they are being highly generous by letting us stay here part of the time. Nothing is sacred to them and no surface is safe. I can't have any live plants in the house because they will eat them in a most disturbingly short time period. I can't leave unfinished things lying around because as they chase each other around the house, any surface is fair game and anything sitting out may well be an obstacle that gets clipped by a flying paw or tail with no looking back. We always come home from work to stuff being on the floor and I basically have to put away or put up very securely anything that I really must save from the potential destruction that is our wild kingdom. The cats are also kinda spiteful and they get annoyed when we aren't home enough so some damage is strictly to announce their general or specific displeasure with us. At any rate ... I can't leave stuff out that is valuable and I can't leave any projects ... -in process- so to speak because they have this uncanny way of sensing what is important and well ... standing there looking at you while they inch it off a table one nudge at a time, their definant gaze never leaving your face.

Soooo ... long story shortened a bit ... I want a study. I want a place to paint and write and read that isn't in the grand safari traffic pattern. I have very expensive painting materials that I must pack up and un pack every time I use them and that makes for a less than inspirational environment believe me. I already have to spend time mixing my ink and getting into the right mood but who wants to unpack everything from being fully put away before even starting on a project? And of course my babies feel that they need creative outlets too or simply MUST taste the colors on my palette so ... I can never really paint in peace elsewhere in our house. Mostly I hike it all to work and try to creat there. Rich and I agreed that after three years of no real company ... keeping a feline free bedroom just isn't a high priority for us. We want that space. I NEED that space ... and I need it cat free! ~grins~

After some debate and misgivings because I've never really designed or decorated a room just for me or rather for US ... that will have a specific purpose ... we have made the big decisions. Our king sized bed is so old it pathetic but we've hesitated to part with it because of course, it's big enough to share with all our furry babies. It's going. We are moving the kingsized bed to the curb, moving the brand new queen sized bed into our room ... gutting the small second bedroom and making an Asian themed study/ reading room/ art room. And I'm thrilled. We are painting that room red with black trim and I'm going to put tatami mat on the floor, a bonsai (Japanese cherry blossom), some Japanese art that I have, a low table for painting, a chair and good lighting for reading ... and bookshelves in there. I can't wait!

Since we are in for a penny now with one paint job on our plate ... we figured ... hey let's just dive in ... so we are painting our bedroom also ... it will be a light purple with a suede finish and dark trim. Likewise, we are going to paint the dinning room a bamboo green with dark trim also with a suede finish and our family room is going to be dark blue accent walls with opposing white walls for the Navy theme that we already have going there. It's going to be a huge undertaking but ... I figure ...we may as well go ahead and make it what we want it to be. We don't plan on moving soon and I think our home needs to be more -ours- and less like a motel we come and stay at every other week.

Today we bought all the paints, tons of storage bins for our junk that is now going to have to be carefully sorted, discarded, or stored in the attic as we are going to be losing our junk room now. There is a lot to be done ... but I am pleased that I am finally stepping out to put my mark on a space ... and I'm praying that it doesn't look hideous when I am done. If it does ... thankfully RJ isn't a complainer and he has been very supportive so ... we'll figure out a way to fix it!

Wish us luck!

By request ... the bleeding tat ...

2007-06-29T10:20:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted a pic of my finished -Konnichiwa- tat ... but I'll post this one for Dan's gratuitous viewing pleasure ... this was taken on a break DURING the tattoo session ... she looks much better now. ~laughing~ Later today I'll maybe post a new picture of her as this one doesn't show a lot of her features.

Also maybe I'll post a classic picture of Shane hard at work on my girl ... he really enjoys his work ... .

I'm not going to lie ... this one HURT. Because I got the first part of it about a month before the second part, the skin was still very tender ... I haven't ever cried before when getting my other tats but this time, I cried ... actually I screamed. It was very tense and this was during the first 5 minutes of him starting to work. RJ said that he was sure I'd never get through it ... I had about 6 hours to go on the tat when I was really hurting ... so things weren't looking good. ~laughs~ Anyways ... I'll post her finished soon!

Woot Sox!

2007-06-28T22:41:00.000-04:00

~laughing~ Ok ... Dan got it right ... it's music that is traditionally tied to the RedSox. Last night while RJ was too sick to move, we watched Fever Pitch on HBO. In short it's about a RedSox obsessed man who has to decide what is really important in life. It's a really cute movie but I think RJ and I enjoyed it most because our very close friends here in T'ville, Dan and Molly are die hard Rox Sox fans.

Okay, okay ... they aren't as die hard as the guy in the movie but they are very loyal. And I confess ... I just haven't -gotten- it until last night. They speak about the Red Sox and seeing a home game in Fenway Park -- Molly still has that Boston accent when she says it so it's Paak with no r. I just always nod and listen politely but I think ... while I wasn't looking ... that they've infected me! ~laughing~

Of course I've always been a huge football fan and fondly recall all of our outtings to see the Mountaineers play all over the place (remember West Virginia anyone???) but I confess, I've NEVER been to a major league or even a college baseball game. No home town minor league games. Zero ... zip ... zilch. But ... I am feeling this longing growing in my heart to see a game in Fenway Park of the Red Sox. It's kinda funny really but I found myself watching the movie and thinking about the way Dan and Molly's faces light up when they talk about Fenway Park and Boston and the Red Sox and I just ... want to go now. It's an historical experience and I've already found myself looking at silly Fenway Park trivia online so that I'd be prepared if we ever get to go.

It seems that we need to make a decision to at least go next year because it's not for certain how much longer the originial Fenway Park will be used before they knuckle under and build a new venue for them. Of course ... Dan and Molly can discuss this at great length - I've seen them ~grins~ ... but I definitely want to go to get the whole flavor of that great American pasttime. It appears to be WAY more than a baseball game and much of a life experience!

We may have a chance to go up to Boston in the fall and I am excited about that. I've never been and it's always been a city that really interests me. Of course ... in the fall there won't be any games for the Sox but ... it would be a great time with Dan and Molly to show us around, I am sure.

So enjoy the ode to the Sox music a little longer ... til I find my next source of inspiration!

bright blessings ya'll!

Anyone ... anyone ... anyone???

2007-06-26T21:02:00.000-04:00

Ok so ... in the spirit of trying to liven things up while I'm doing sick duty here at the Outman Infirmary ... I decided to play with my music a little bit. Anyone have any idea what the theme or significance is of the music I put on my player today? ~grins~

Love Ya'll!

C

What in the World?

2007-06-26T12:17:00.000-04:00

Cubby is down ... Courtney is down ... and now Rich? Rich and I have been at the doctor's all morning. He has pneumonia and is flat on his back. He RARELY gets sick but when he does it's usually a doozie! We are supposed to go on our mission trip next week and that is looking next to impossible now and it's just the worst feeling to see him so sick and helpless. He feels maybe the worst I've ever seen him feel aside from his horrible ear infection about 6 years ago. Please be remembering us, Courtney and Cubby in your prayers. I am not sure what is going on ... but this seems a bit much for such a small group of friends. We love you guys!

C

One Night With the King

2007-06-25T12:33:00.000-04:00

Yesturday RJ and I went to church with Shane (our tattoo artist). It was like coming home after being away for a long time. He has been going to the Rock of Greensboro, now called Christian City Church and it was a wonderful experience for RJ and I and our boys from the cottage. It was really neat to see all of the people that Shane has started bringing to church ... we all sat together in one section which pretty much could easily be labled the -tattoo- section. ~laughing~

Most of the folks sitting in our section had piercings, tattoos, different hair or some other socially -outspoken- visual statement, for lack of a better term. We were all treated so warmly ... with so much genuine caring and welcome that it was like a breath of fresh air. The church is very multi-cultural and relevant but it's clearly also a place that welcomes -who so ever would cometh-. It was something else to see some of what our society would view as -radicals- praising God and learning about Him.

I suppose that I would have always thought of myself as one who would be the -nilla- or boring, plain section of the church by visual standards until I came home yesturday and looked in the mirror. I had to laugh, considering what a picture RJ and I must make these days. Me with fuzz on top of my hair, three earrings in one ear, two in the other, rings on my fingers and toes, a silver anklet, and two tattoos barely visible at the hem of my shorts. RJ with two gauged earrings in his ears, no hair, and tattoos in several places including his legs, and a goatee. ~grins~ I suppose to others we don't look so plain or -blend- as easily as we used to. At any rate, it was a fanstastic service and I can't wait to go back.

The message was "For Such A Time As This" and it was highly inspiring as well as challenging. If you haven't taken the time to see "A Night With the King", it might be an interesting sit down for -date night- or some other time. A lot of people think it's a chick flick but I think the message is profound regardless of gender, so guys, perhaps you'll score points with the Mrs. if you sit down and watch it with her! ~winks~

As I was thinking of the message today on my cherished drive to Starbucks for my daily fix of Iced Venti Caramel Macchiato, I confess that I had to wonder how it really applies to my life (both the message yesturday and the message of Esther). The sermon was delivered by an interesting and charismatic fellow named -Rock- and he spoke about the importance of understanding that God will use your gifts and talents for such a time as this to do His work in the Kingdom. He will use whatever means are needed to fulfill his work and that everyone has a purpose that God intends to use in His work. I think the message really spoke to Shane a good deal partially because not many people see a -tattoo artist- as someone who could be used greatly in the Kingdom, you know? I see it as an open mission field personally though and he is certainly bringing people to church and sharing with them. At any rate, Rock also talked about winning our entire generation to the Lord and this obviously ties in with God using whatever talents and gifts that we have in winning this generation to Him.

So ... I look around me and then I read the story of Esther again before starting this blog ... and I confess ... I'm no further along in some aspects of understanding what this really means for me ... but I'm definitely open to hearing from the Lord about it. ~grins~ In the book of Esther we see that there was a time (12 months) of preparation before she was to see the King ... including being oiled with perfumes and myrrh. Of course, we are told that in the Bible oil may be used to signify cleansing, self purification, and annointing. Also of course we know that it was used as a cosmetic because of the arid conditions of the region to keep skin supple and moist. At any rate, we see the time of preparation and then we see that she has ONE night, or ONE occassion in which to be choosen by the King. She will either have his favor or she won't. Interestingly, the Lord, through her obedience gives her favor with the King and she then comes into a position of power.

I have to wonder ... what is my -for such a time as this- Assignment. Is it to reach the kids in our care for the Lord? Is it to follow the part of my heart that longs to go overseas? Is it to discover some hidden thing that I've yet to uncover about myself ... a gift or talent and to use it? I don't know ... yet ...

What is yours?

Words of Inspiration ...

2007-06-23T11:50:00.000-04:00

As I was researching quotes for my blog banner ... I started wondering about the quotes that others find inspirational ... from movies to books to public addresses. So ... I'm opening up the floor for contributions. What are some of your favorite quotes (aside from the Bible) that inspire or give you cause to pause and reflect? I'll share a few of mine here ...

-It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. *Anais Nin

-I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. *Anaïs Nin

-War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature, and has no chance of being free unless made or kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. *John Stuart Mill

-Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.*A Few Good Men

-Truth is generally the best vindication against slander.*Abraham Lincoln

-When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.*Anais Nin

-And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.*Friedrich Nietzsche

-It is one thing to show a man that he is in error, and another to put him in possession of truth.*John Locke

-Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one. *Friedrich Nietzsche

-You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.*Friedrich Nietzsche

-After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.*Friedrich Nietzsche

- Power Corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.*Lord Acton

-Come quickly! I am tasting stars!*Dom Perignon

-You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.*Margaret Thatcher

-"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."*Galileo Galilei

-"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
*Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

-"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." Sir Winston Churchill

-In True Love one finds Courage*Asian saying

- To see what is right and not to do it is want of courage.*Confucius

-Silence is a true friend who never betrays*Confucious

Nothing At All

2007-06-22T21:31:00.000-04:00

Let the whole world fall away
And fall into my arms
Stay with me
I don't know how long we've got left
And so I'm asking you
To forgive me
I learn as I go
To float far away
Into silence
And just watch your face
And find some kind of grace
In that quiet bliss
Where will we go when we get old
When the bustle and the noise
Get too frightening
When each and every angry word
Is banished to the past
That's when I think…
We'll learn as we go
To float far away
Into silence
And I'll watch your face
And read of patience and grace
In each line there
Will you walk into the grave with me
Will you leave this empty world
Soft and wistful
To sink into the dark, dank earth
And never reappear would be blissful
To float far away
Into eternal space
And God's silence
Where I'll watch your face
And find patience and grace
In each line there
Can I stay and say nothing at all.
Work each day, all for nothing at all.
The few words I say they mean nothing at all.
Drift away into nothing at all.
Find the grace to be nothing at all.
Fade away and end up nothing at all. At all, at all, at all.
-Rob Dougan

Waiting for perfection ...

2007-06-20T21:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think too much energy and time has been wasted in my life -waiting for perfection- and excusing anything that comes short as simply not perfect yet so it doesn't matter. Sound goofy? Yeah ... I guess it kinda does. I'll try to explain a little bit ...

I've been interested in Asian painting for a while now ... sumi-e (Japanese) and Chinese brush painting. I've spent a pathetic amount of money on books, brushes, rice paper, ink, ink stones, palettes, and paints. I've sat down and STARTED many things. I have not a single solitary picture that I've actually kept to show for my work and efforts. This is not to say that I've spent hours every day at my painting ... but it is to say that I can't even settle on a single piece as remotedly successful even as a -first work-. I have all kinds of fancy rice paper and stuff for when I finally get good enough to actually -create- something worth saving ... but I haven't even been able to be satisfied with the stuff I've done on my cheaper practice paper. I've saved nothing.

I have gone through almost an entire set of paints, a whole ink stick and a whole roll of practice paper. But when I look at it ... I can't find anything redeeming in what I paint. To me it's all glaring imperfection and it's all trash. I spent time ... really trying to create or follow the instructions but at the end of the time ... I only see trash ... nothing worth saving.

It's the same with my poetry. I will write for a season ... decide that it's mostly all garbage and never share it with anyone. I just throw it away or hide it on my computer and never look at it again. It's never good enough to share. It's never anything that I feel that I can -risk- opening up myself for rejection over ... so I reject it first.

I've decided that my artistic frustration/intolerance/cowardous/criticalness is perhaps symptomatic of the rest of my life. Art is a personal creation ... it's an expression of self right? If we aren't happy with ourselves ... we'll never be happy with our creations. Or at least I think that may be true for me. I tend to view myself the way I view my artistic efforts. I reject myself ... I discount me ... I find the imperfections in me and condemn them and myself ... before anyone else can. If that makes sense. I am not kind to myself. Or perhaps I am too indulgent of mistakes as eraseable. Or maybe I'm too afraid of having my mistakes seen so I try to hide them.

Now perhaps I just lack artistic flare. Perhaps I lack that -something- that allows an artist to be free and creative. But perhaps too, I am simply a coward. I am afraid of just being who I am or of just putting down my interpretation on paper ... because then ... someone can critique it and destroy it. If I'm not brave enough to embrace myself ... AND my artistic work ... then I don't give myself room to experience the joy that is supposed to be found in creating something.

I was thinking ... I don't expect much from me ... and perhaps I don't find anything redeeming in my artwork or poetry because then ... failure hurts less. Insults, critical comments, disagreement seems removed and is less personal. And maybe too ... if I always view things as being painted on a canvas that can simply be thrown away when I screw up (which of course I expect to) then ... I don't always make the best decisions. I don't look at the outcomes as being more important ... when sometimes they certainly are. I tend to view too many things as inevitable failure from the start or something that I can simply ball up and throw away or hide on my computer or in a notebook. I don't want the pressure nor do I have the confidence always for a -live- show. Funny how that seems to be ...

More from the Hagakure ...

2007-06-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

A few more interesting passages from the Hagakure ...

A Samurai with no group and no horse is not a samurai at all.
p. 32

In China there once was a man who liked pictures of dragons, and his clothing and furnishings were all designed accordingly. His deep affection for dragons was brought to the attention of the dragon god, and one day a real dragon appeared before his window. It is said that he died of fright. He was probably a man who always spoke big words but acted differently when facing the real thing.
p. 38

There is a way of bringing up the child of a samurai. From the time of infancy one should encourage bravery and avoid trivilally frightening or teasing the child. If a person is affected by cowardice as a child, it remains a lifetime scar. It is a mistake for parents to thoughtlessly make their children dread lightening, or to have them not go into dark places, or to tell them frightening things in order to stop them from crying. Furthermore, a child will become timid if he is scolded severely.
One should not allow bad habits to form. After a bad habit is ingrained, although you admonish the child he will not improve. As for such things as proper speaking and good manners, gradually make the child aware of them. Let him not know avariance. Other than that, if he is of normal stature, he should develop wll by the way he is brought up.
Moreover, the child of parents who have a bad relationship will be unfillial. This is natural. Even the birds and beasts are affected by what they are used to seeing and hearing from the time they are born. Also, the relationship between father and child may deteriorate because of a mother's foolishness. A mother loves her child above all things, and will be partial to the childn who is corrected by his father. If she becomes the child's ally, there will be discord between father and son. Because of the shallowness of her mind, a woman sees the chld as her support in old age.
P. 40

To hate injustice and stand on righteousness is a difficult thing. Furthermore, to think that being righteous is the best you can do and to do one's utmost to be righteous will, on the contrary, bring many mistakes. The Way is a higher place then righteousness. This is very difficult to discover, but it is the highest wisdom. When seen from this standpoint, things like righteousness are rather shallow. If one does not understand this on his own, it cannot be known. There is a method of getting to this Way, however, even if one cannot discover it by himself. This is found in consulting with others. Even a person who has not attained the Way sees others from the side. It is like the saying from the game of go: "He who sees from the side has eight eyes." The saying, "Thought by thought, we see our own mistakes", also means that the highest Way is in discussions with others. Listening to the old stories and reading books are for the purpose of sloughing off one's own discriminations and attaching oneself to that of the ancients.
p.26

It's this last quote that reminded me most of the Bible. Though the "Way" spoke of is the Way of the Samurai - Bushido ... I find some applicable parallels to the Bible as the Way in these words. I was first reminded of Romans, Chapter 7.

7What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet."8 But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from law, sin is dead. 9Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. 10I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.
11For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. 12So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. 13Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I then thought of this passage
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. (Isaiah 64:6)

For the sake of brevity ~laughs~ I'll not include the entire text of an interesting page I found but will reference it here, for any who are interested - Filthy Rags

Basically what I thought was interesting is the fact that the samurai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo comes to the same conclusion in some respects as the writers of the Bible. In our own strength ... in our own way ... righteousness apart from God -- THE WAY is not enough. Even someone who doesn't know the Lord can see the Lord in us. Can learn of the Lord THROUGH us ... and can come to learn of THE TRUE WAY. Our own indignation at injustice is not enough nor is our own resolve to do what is right. Invariably ... we fail on our own power when it comes to executing righteousness. THE WAY of the Lord is far above our righteousness and often defies our understanding ... consider Cubbie's discussions on Dark Grace or Helen's ponderings of the Lord's directives.

While I don't subscribe to the believe that the highest Way is in discusisons with others ... I do agree that discussion can be challenging and enlightening in terms of understanding what the Lord is saying to us and in hearing His voice. It can also come by personal enlightenment however, sometimes our discussions based on personal enlightenment can round out what we believe that the Lord is privately speaking to us. And of course lastly, reading the Bible and scholars of the past is our way of putting off our own discriminations and learning THE WAY that those who walked with the Lord understood.

Just a little food for thought ...

It's Done ...

2007-06-11T23:47:00.000-04:00

So ... it's done. The pinkness is gone ... and I'm bald. I can't begin to describe the chorus of emotions that are clamouring inside of me. I can't explain how exposed I feel ... how naked ... how ugly actually.

I can't take it back though ... so I find a way now to mush forward. It's been far more of a sacrifice than I thought. Far more. It was a good week though ... lots of fun with friends ... so much goofing around and joking that tonight was all the more shocking I guess, in it's stark anti-climatic finish. Zip ... it's gone. No novelty ... nothing to deflect the shock ... just ... nothing. ~soft smile~

I'm sure I'll finish my crying by the end of the week ... and it's certainly pushing me to find perspective. There are so many more important things in the world than hair right? So many more crucial things that how someone looks. I am guessing it's easier somehow when a really gorgeous person shaves their hair ... because they still have lots of physical bonuses ... I however am not loaded with physical bonuses to compensate ... yeah ... tough night.

Two last pictures of the pink mohawk crew ... for posterity ...

Classic!

2007-06-11T12:39:00.000-04:00

No one says it quit the way Dennis Miller does!

And ... I'm Back!

2007-06-11T11:20:00.001-04:00

It's been a heck of a week here ... lots going on ... and finally ... midori is finished WOOT! On friday RJ and I went to have the rest of my tat done which took about 6 hours and then headed up to the mountians to spend a couple of days with 3 other couples we work with. The pic on the left is from friday ... Shane really gets into his work! ~laughing~

It was cool to get to spend time talking to him ... he has been regularly going to church and he loved the bible we got him. It's neat to see what the Lord is doing in his life!

We had a great time in the moutians ... aside from the pain of my tat. We got lots of strange looks from people in Black Mountain with our strange, unconventional hair but it was cool to have some fellowship with our co-workers. We don't get much of a chance to hang out together so it was great to get to let our hair down.

We are reaching the countdown phase to our trip to Myrtle Beach for the missions trip over July 4th. Hopefully that will go well. I am sure I"ll have more to share later today ... just trying to get my bearings right now.

Bright blessings ya'll!

It's Just hair ... right? right??? RIGHT?????

2007-06-07T01:00:00.000-04:00

Ok ... so ... that's me. Yeah ... ~coughs~ tonight ... at 1:02am. Sometimes there just aren't any words are there? I can only imagine your retinas burning on Thursday when you tune in for my lastest bizarro post and find this! ~laughing~

My hair is fast going ... on Monday ... it all goes. Until then ... it's a mostly pink mohawk that has succeded in making me look even more nutty than I even imagined. ~smiles~

Why the hair cut? No, no, no ... I'm not headed to rehab like Brittany or anything ... and no I wasn't cutting out my spectacular hair extensions. I shaved my head in support of one of the ladies that we work with here. She has breast cancer and is losing her hair this week. I have been wrestling with this for a while. I knew that I felt like I was supposed to cut it ... but I wasn't sure that I could really make myself do it. You guys might remember when my Mom had cancer ... I told her then ... that when the time came, that I'd shave my head with her so that she wouldn't have to go through being bald alone. She never ended up losing all of her hair because her chemo was cut short.

For a woman I can think of no more difficult thing than losing one's hair. You know ... a woman's hair is her glory and all that stuff ... and Lord knows that men love a woman's hair. So in addition to the fight for your life, when you have breast cancer especially ... including all of the trauma of losing your breast ... you lose the beauty of your hair. No changing your mind ... no turning back ... nothing. If you go with modern treatment ... the hair goes.

When I told our co-worker, Marisa that I was going to shave my head to support her ... that it would be a reminder every day to pray for her and to remember just a tiny piece of what she is going through ... I think she was really shocked ... but touched. Hopefully it will offer her some measure of comfort or ease that we will be bald together and we can share fashion head ware! ~smiles~ I am not stupid enough to think that cutting one's hair means that one understands what it's like to have cancer ... the fears or the struggles ... I know it doesn't mean that I understand anything but one single vanity. But I do know what it's like to be told that you have cancer ... in my case, I was blessed that it was a misdiagnosis. I know what it's like to have someone you love struggle with cancer, and people you love die from cancer. It's a horrible disease. No doubt. But ... I can make a gesture of support ... so ... I can't take it back now ... .

We aren't allowed to have radical color in our hair for work or anything like that ... so I colored it pink - for breast cancer awareness ... it was my way of trying to have some fun and work my way up to the big loss. Tonight I took the second step and had the sides and back completely shaved to a mohawk. Dan and RJ both shaved their hair into mohawks also in support. It was pretty funny actually. This weekend we are all going up to the mountain house for a get away weekend (with 4 couples from work) and then ... on Monday before we return to work, I'll have to shave this off and pretty much keep it covered until it grows out a bit.

And update on -Konnichiwa- : Shane had to cancel our appointment last week to finish her. He was sick, but we are supposed to finish up on Friday before we head up to the mountain house. He did tell me on the phone last week that he has started going to church! I was so excited about that ... I went and got him a new bible from RJ and I ... hopefully it will be used! He was very excited and we talked a while about all that has been going on with him. He is really happy with the church he is going to ... it's a non-denominational church in Greensboro and he feels VERY accepted there.

I'll try to write more tommorrow and bring everyone up to date on the rest of everything that's been going on. I've been off my blogging lately ... hopefully I'll get my groove back!

Monique ...

2007-06-01T19:16:00.000-04:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Konnichiwa II

2007-05-31T11:25:00.000-04:00

So I leave in a few moments to get more work done on Midori. I have been thinking a great deal about my last session with Shane and I feel like I am supposed to give him a CD with the Rescue song on it (the one that is playing here on my blog with the introduction). I don't know why exactly but I feel that I'm supposed to so I've burned a copy and I'm going to take it with me today.

I am praying that he isn't offended and that maybe sometime he'll listen to it. I think he will ... he's not easily offended but you know how the best intentions sometimes go. Anyways ... I put a number of songs on it ... so I hope it will encourage him in some way. Of course, I titled the CD - "I Dare You" ~laughing~ so I guess sublty isn't my strong suit ... but anyways ...

be praying for me today please. More pain ... and more opportunity ...

Blessings!

My girl ...

2007-05-30T18:56:00.001-04:00

Any one have any idea who in the world this might be?

Without giving it totally away ... I write this post with tears in my eyes. In fact ... right now I can't write it ... I'm going to have to step away from this one for a while just because I'm so overwhelmed with emotion ...

So I'll let you guys take a guess or two at who this gorgeous, talented, intelligent, God-loving young woman is ...

while I just go and thank God a few moments ...

Add another POW/MIA from the Iraq War to the previous list

2007-05-28T15:52:00.000-04:00

SSG Matt Maupin was born on July 13, 1983 in Batavia, Ohio. He was a 3.5 grade-point-average student and football player at Glen Este High School in Union Township, Clermont County, Ohio. He graduated in 2001 and joined the U.S. Army Reserve and was assigned to the Army Reserve's 724th Transportation Company, from Bartonville, Illinois.
On April 9, 2004, Maupin's fuel convoy came under attack near the Baghdad International Airport. He was reported as disappeared (technically missing in action) along with Sgt. Elmer Krause and a small group of private military contractors from Kellogg, Brown and Root, which included hostage Thomas Hamill, who was later rescued.

On April 16, 2004, the face of Maupin was broadcast on a videotape by the Arabic-language TV network Al-Jazeera. The tape, reportedly delivered to the U.S. embassy in Doha, Qatar, raised hopes that Maupin was still alive. In the video, the soldier identified himself as "Private First Class Keith Matthew Maupin," a standard procedure followed by prisoners of war which protect their rights under the Third Geneva Convention.

On June 28, 2004, Al-Jazeera reported that Maupin was executed by a group identifying itself as the Persistent Power Against the Enemies of God and the Prophet. The method of execution in the alleged report was a gunshot to the head.

Maupin has been promoted twice since he was declared missing in action, first from Private First Class to Specialist, and then to Sergeant. As of April 6, 2005 he is the only U.S. soldier unaccounted for in Iraq.
http://www.bluestarmothers.org/documents/maupin.htm

His parent's website is: http://www.yellowribbonsupportcenter.com/index_pow.html

DO SOMETHING

2007-05-28T12:22:00.000-04:00

Memorial Day. This Memorial Day we still have at least 2 American Soldiers who are MIA and presummed held by the enemy. There are 3,441 confirmed by the DoD (Department of Defense) Men and Women of our Armed Services in the Iraq War who have died. Around 60,000 died in the Vietnam War, over 135,000 were wounded and there are still 2,099 still unaccounted for (POW/MIA). In the Korean War, 33, 686 died in a combat related death, 92, 134 were wounded, 8,175 unaccounted for included over 4,000 MIAs, and there were 7,225 POWs. In WWII almost 400,000 died and 700,000 were wounded. In WWI over 100,000 died and over 200,000 were wounded.

We all know 591 POW/MIAs came home during Operation Homecoming, but did you know that in September 1972, the General of the N. Vietnamese Army, Gen. Quang, told the North Vietnamese Politburo that they (the North Vietnamese) were holding 1,205 Americans as POWs and only 368 had been acknowledged or were to be acknowledged to the American authorities? The document was uncovered just after Clinton's first inauguration and the first thing his administration did with the document was classify it.

Our nation can never honor enough those who have sacrified their lives for the freedoms we enjoy today. We can never thank their families enough. And we can never thank our Veterans enough for their sacrificial service to our country. As the Average American grows more and more apathetic and indifferent if not outright hostile towards those who serve our country, it's incumbent on us more than ever before to DO something to support our Men and Women of the United States Armed Forces who currently serve as well as the many Veterans who have given so much for US!

PRAY! PRAY! And then, PRAY! I beg you to pray for our marines, soldiers, sailors, and airmen! Pray for those who are returning from War that no amount of military training can prepare you for. Pray for our MIA's and POW's -- that God will supernaturally intervene. Pray for the those still on the ground, facing death with every roll of the tires on their vehicles and in every exposed contact with a national.

ADOPT A SOLDIER, MARINE, SAILOR, or AIRMAN. If you can't commit to adopting one regularly ... then I invite you to join Rich and I in supporting the 5 troops that we have adopted on behalf of our boys in Emergency Care. We send them packages and mail monthly if not more but postage is VERY expensive. We have had many items donated that we can't send yet because we just don't have the funds. The average cost of shipping one package is $25. DO something ... join together with others to donate or adopt a troop as a family project. Let me know if you need links to good places to get an assigned military member.

VISIT a VA facility with your family or alone and THANK THEM! SUPORPRT Legislation and News media outlets that are supportive of our troops and are not seeking to subvert their safety and compromise their mission. Write a letter to your representatives in Government to urge them to pass the bills that will fund our troops so that they may have the equipment and supplies they desperately need.

This year ... do more than take a few moments to consider what holiday allows us to be home from work and soaking up the sun ... barbequing with family and stuff. Really commit to doing something to support those who make our days off in leisure possible. Those who are laying their lives on the line for the defense of our country all over the world. They keep a watch so that we can close our eyes in safety and peace.

Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and curse the Marines; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
-A Few Good Men

Dance as David Did????

2007-05-27T12:05:00.000-04:00

This isn't a joke ... as shocking as the pictures of a Hasidic Jewish man seems in martial arts stances ... it's legit! The above pictures are of Grandmaster Yehoshua Sofer who is a world reknowned martial artist who has several world leaders' personal protection/security personnel under his instruction and guidance from the President of Moldova to the Prime-Minister of Israel. He often oversees high profile events from behind the scenes. He is a multi-disciplinarian martial artist who holds 7th degree black belts in Korean Kuk Sool Won, Hapkido (think Steven Segal here) and a 6th degree black belt in TukGong Musool (designed for elite military and intelligence agents in S. Korea). He also holds a 3rd degree black belt in Taekwondo as well as black belts in Taesoodo and Tangsoodo. In his youth he experimented with western boxing, Full Contact kickboxing, Choy Lay Fut, Tai Mantis, White Crane and Hung Gar styles of Kung Fu. Above all of these disciplines however, he is the founder of two Abir schools in Israel which are based on the principles of Israelite Warriors of Ancient times.

Abir בִּיר is a Hebrew word meaning powerful, a warlord, palace guard, protector of royalty, warrior, bodyguard, or a defender. It is derived from the three letter Hebrew root א-ב-ר, which means to soar above protectively. Biblical references for the word include the following sections of the Tanakh (an acronym that identifies the entire Hebrew -Bible- including the Torah תורה, Nevi'im נביאים, and Ketuvim כתובים) Genesis 49:24, Psalms 76:6, and Psalms 68:31.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abir_(martial_art)

While there aren't exact details of a martial art or system of fighting there are Biblical, Midrashic (Midrash is a Hebrew word referring to a method of exegesis of a Biblical text), and Rabbinic accounts that testify to fighting and combat styles used by the ancient Israelites as well as legendary depictions of Israelite combatants.

For example, According to Sefer haYashar (midrash) 56:9, it was no less than the request of Jacob on his deathbed to his son Judah that the Hebrew combat art be passed down to his progeny forever:
ויאמר יעקב אל יהודה: ידעתי בני כי גביר לאחיך אתה ומלך עליהם ובניך ימלכו על בניהם עד עולם.
אך למד נא את בניך קשת וכל כלי מלחמה למען ילחמו את מלחמות אחיהם המלך בכל אויביו

And Jacob spoke to Judah: 'I know, my son, that you are a master to your brothers and king over them, and your sons will reign over their sons forever. However, please teach your sons qashath [the Hebrew weaponless combat art] and every weapon of war, in order that they will fight the wars of their brother the king, against all his enemies.

It is regarding this timeless request of Jacob that King David, in the book of 2nd Samuel, was referring to in the opening line of his dirge over the deaths of King Saul and Jonatan his son:
יז וַיְקֹנֵן דָּוִד, אֶת-הַקִּינָה הַזֹּאת, עַל-שָׁאוּל, וְעַל-יְהוֹנָתָן בְּנוֹ. 17
17 And David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son,
יח וַיֹּאמֶר, לְלַמֵּד בְּנֵי-יְהוּדָה קָשֶׁת, הִנֵּה כְתוּבָה, עַל-סֵפֶר הַיָּשָׁר. 18
18 and said: [It is mandatory] to teach the sons of Judah qoshath—behold, it is written in the book of Yashar

The nation had just suffered a terrible defeat at the hands of the Philistines, in which both king and crown prince had perished. The wise king knew the only answer was to train the army in the foundation of Hebrew warriorship, Qesheth--the tradition of the Avoth (forefathers).
This fighting tradition was the very distinguishing mark of a Hebrew from an Egyptian. When Yoseph, whose identity was unknown to his brothers, orders that Shim`on be incarcerated (Bareshith 42:18-24) and his guards attempt to seize him, Shim`on lets out a roar that utterly confounds and frightens them. Finally, Yoseph orders his own son Manashe to arrest Shim`on: Manashe deals him a blow that humbles Shim`on instantly. As he is being taken away before his astonished brothers, Shim`on calls out to them (Sepher HaYashar, parasha Miqetz):
איש מכם אל יאמר כי מכת מצרי הוא, אין זאת כי אם מכת בית אבי
Let none on you say that was the strike of an Egyptian; this is none other but a strike from the house of my father.

In the book of Samuel, David the son of Yishai and his men are said to have been fierce warriors able to take on hundreds of men. David's chief of the captains, Josheb-bas-sheboth killed 800 men in a battle (2 Sam. 23:8). Another commander, Abishai, killed 300 men in a fight (2 Sam. 23:18), and Jashobeam, another "mighty man" of David, killed 300 in one battle (1 Chron. 11:11).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abir_(martial_art)

Aluf Abir (grandmaster in Hebrew) has organized the Abir martial arts training based on bits and pieces of the art handed down through hidden, ancient Jewish communities. These techniques were used by his Israelite ancestors, to which there are direct references in the Bible, Talmud, and the Midrash, particularly Sepher HaYashar (Book of Jasher).

Abir is based on fighting techniques that he learned from his grandfather and father. The history is the idea that at one time ancient Israel had a martial art form using both hand to hand and weapons combat. As with all fighting styles, these techniques were both borrowed and learned from various cultures that the Isaelites encountered as well as creating their own using religious and cultural symbols. While all Jewish communities did not continue to train in these fighting styles, it is believed that some exotic Jewish communities in Arabia and in parts of Asia continued to maintain elements of the techniques, which for some become elements of ethnic Jewish dance.

The Twelve Tribes Principles and The Ten Emanations (These are very esoteric and intricate educational tools to understand the nature of combined movement and force in an application of the other principles directed into specific points of energy, mass or “targets” as well as the use of telepathy and hypnosis to direct or disable one's adversary)

This science as described in great depth in sources found throughout The Holy Torah are taught to “performers” of Abir, who regardless of their background in Jewish study and Torah Life, commitment/observance (or the lack of these) can begin training in this dance form that houses a deadly form…or formless system of self defense that is as effective today as it was in defeating the ancient military forces of Median, Ai, Eglon, Lah’ish, Canaanim, Khittim, Amorim, Prizim, Yebusim and Girgashim.

An Abir can be viewed as one who defends the palace that houses the Neshama (the soul), the Ruah (spirit), and the Gouf (physical body) within a circumference that is called one's Dalled (four) Amoth (designated spaces used as measurements) as commanded by G-d to defend; because inside a true Abir is housed a living Torah, for through its study the Abir seeks to internalize its wisdom, to become holy, pure, and to exemplify the very virtues that indeed describe the Abir of Israel that comprises the initials of this ancient Hebrew word (Aleph, Bet, Yod, Resh).

The Abir approach is based on a combination of the following elements.
Judaic principles found in the Torah
The Ancient Hebrew alphabet.
Philosophical principles and movements based on symbols surrounding the 12 Tribes of Israel.
Techniques passed down by Jewish communities such as the (Habbani Jews and Daghestani Jews)
Jewish dances from various exotic or ancient communities, which anciently were a part of the ancient Abir combat system.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abir_(martial_art)

The Hebrew Alphabet consists of 22 consonants and five word ending letters bringing them to a total of 27 letters in all that are assigned 7 special categories.
They are;
Choking
Locking
Throwing
Take downs
Primary initiated attacks or
Secondary responsive attacks and
a natural flowing blend consisting of any two of these six categories or any one or more combined with another letter

This gives a unique and familiar way to quickly assimilate complex dynamic martial arts combat techniques using these most familiar visual memory tools that give us 189 techniques. These 189 techniques are then learnt in conjunction with an additional 176 techniques that are designed to solve the most commonly encountered types of attacks with effective counters to various applications of those same seven categories performed.

Smikha level
The Musmakh (Instructor) refines his skills by learning an additional 248 techniques corresponding to the number of organs within the human body. This gives us the total of 613 (Taryag) techniques that correspond to the 613 positive and negative precepts that Jews must observe and keep in accordance with Jewish Law as required of us by The Creator in the Torah.

Recoil Principle
It maintains that every return action of a limb returns as if propelled by the laws of gravity toward the torso with greater speed and virtually no stress in direct opposition to the same limbs stressful energy employed to launch an attack directed away from the torso. Recoil attacks are therefore the preferred choice of attack since they are stealth weapons which strike the indefensible anterior zone at the opponent’s hind or blindside while positioned directly in front of them face to face.

The Haetz-Lula’ah (Arrow-loop)
Full- circle/never-lock striking with the arms or legs This is a totally unique method of striking. Use of the arm/leg as the striking surface is not limited to a specific area of the hand/foot but actually employs any surface from the fingers/toes to the elbow/knee at any angle along its circumference.
A strike can be initiated at point zero with the fingers pressing into the opponents liver only to curl in thus striking in deeper with the back hand and pressing consistently deeper as it flows into a driving lateral elbow strike across the gallbladder and pericardium to the spleen points in one circular scooping motion. Conversely, this attack which was executed with the right arm directed right to left could have equally been initiated at point zero with the elbow at the opponent’s kidney or liver culminating with the fingers in a left to right motion. Limbs stick to the never-lock principle to avoid joint damage due to hyperextension. The Arrow when launched as a frontal attack is actually vertical or horizontal and travels in a broad or narrow circle as opposed to the classical front kick which snaps between two stopping motions and moves in a short half circle if we look at it from the side view. The classical front kick and the side kick, whether snapping or thrusting, come to two full stops along the way to their completion and endanger the knee joint by exposing it to hyperextension when the leg is locked straight at the end of its trajectory. Another danger is encountered when such techniques are aimed at higher target zones as the body is placed in a very compromising balancing act that exposes the groin to counterattack, and the lower back to severe injury when and if impact is made. When contact with its target is missed there is even more danger of tearing the muscles ligaments or tendons.

Takedown and submission hold
With The Arrow, the leg never fully extends or hyper extends since it is never theoretically straightened. From the very initiation of each wipping circular motion, The Arrow never stops. On the contrary, it continues to build momentum and speed and can strike its target with virtually any part of the leg from the knee down to the toes depending only on the distance from the opponent and whether contact is made on the more vertical, horizontal or lateral phase of its circular axis. The ball of the foot, instep, inner or outer blades of the feet, ankle, shins or knee are all satisfactory striking surfaces as are the back, sides, and bottom of the heel when striking at various angles, to the sides or to the rear. The leg need not be stretched out since care is taken not to straighten the leg and full power is only achieved when the Arrow is launched with total relaxation. In fact, the act of releasing this deadly weapon tends to relax the limbs while strengthening them and gaining flexibility and mobility of the muscles, ligaments, tendons and joints with each additional execution. Ruakh Khayuth or Life -spirit pumped into the limb directed by Rahtson (guiding will) is all that is needed to launch this deadly weapon in an instant with maximum power.

18 Khai Rikudim
These are the 18 choreographed fighting dances that tie together the 12 tribes movement and fighting attributes (12 weaponless and 6 weapons forms) necessary to master Abir's 613 techniques. These 613 can be built upon to incorporate thousands more and are a mere guide to the keys behind achieving a balanced harmonious life steeped in holiness and purity with an integrated mastery of ones spiritual and physical matter (or khomer) embodying the virtues that make up the initials of an Abir.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abir_(martial_art)

Pretty interesting stuff. Unfortunately not a lot has been written about this martial arts form yet and there is a good dose of skepticism outside of the Jewish community as to it's validity. Surprisingly, some of the most vocal defenders are Arabs who will honestly say that it's a legit martial arts form but they are happy that others don't wish to take it seriously because of it's serious contention as a hard core fighting style. They are happy that Jews aren't interested in learning it. It has also been defended by a number of Rabbis and those who are familiar with the Holy Texts in the native language of Hebrew which I thought was pretty cool.

From the official Abir website:

What is an ABIR®?

ABIR®: Hebrew word meaning omni-powerful, a warlord, palace guard, protector of royalty, warrior, or bodyguard, a defender of those important to the very preservation of the nation and it's subjects, for without the people of Israel, there are no others to guard and keep the laws of The Holy Torah….the very reason that The Holy One, Blessed be He, in all of His loving kindness, created this universe and all things in it.

An ABIR® can be viewed as one who defends the palace that houses the Neshama (the soul), the Ruah (spirit), and the Gouf (physical body) within a circumference that is called one's Dalled (four) Amoth (designated spaces used as measurements) as commanded by G-d to defend; because inside a true ABIR® is housed a living Torah, for through it's study the ABIR® seeks to internalize it's wisdom, to become holy, pure, and to exemplify the very virtues that indeed describe the ABIR® of Israel that comprises the initials of this ancient Hebrew word (ALEF, BETH,YOUD, RESH) אביר .

The first letter א stands for אמונה (Emunah), this means FAITH and means that the ABIR® is faithful to The Al-mighty One and is himself worthy of his fellow people's belief in him since he is truthful.

ביטחון (Bitakhon), signifies the second letter בwhich stands for Trust. Trust is also Security and the Abir® trusts in G-d above all. He is secure since he provides an atmosphere of trust and security because the ABIR® is trustworthy himself.

The letter י stands for יראה (Yirah), meaning FEAR signifying the ABIR®'S fear and reverence of G-d. An ABIR® fears nothing and nobody else …but he is feared by the wicked who have wronged or threaten the weak, elderly, helpless, righteous or otherwise innocent for the ABIR® embodies רחמנות (rahmanuth) which means compassion and mercy.

It is spelled with the ר (resh)
representing the last initial. If one seeks peace and harmony, surely the last person he/she can expect to confront in battle would be a kindred soul who is compassionate and merciful .It is for this reason that this initial so befits being last in order. There are three types of people an ABIR® has no mercy for-
they are:

murderers, swindlers, and evildoers

The ABIR® guards The King (or מלך “melekh” in Hebrew) who represents The Creator who is The King of the universe. However in modern times students of ABIR® the ancient Israelite warrior or “martial” art can also see themselves protecting the essence of their own internal being in proper safety and balance as the'' king'' in his palace (the body) since the word for king in Hebrew has three letters that signify three of the human body's most vital internal organs.

The Brain מח (moakh) מ

The Heart לב (lev) ל

The Liver כבד (kahved) ך

These three organs represent life itself within a physical body as they should appear in proper order. The brain represents authority or control by virtue of it's intellect and reason over the emotions represented by the heart and the liver which is the “motor” that generates force in the lower of the three organs that are all located in the center of one's body. The heart is just to the left and the liver is just to the right while the brain is directly in the center at the “crown“ illustrating its ideal vantage point to direct the lower two organs. This is a concept in the Torah which teaches us that a true leader must act with wisdom above emotion or force. Nowhere is this clearer than when at war. When we reverse the first two letters in the Hebrew with the heart placed above the mind, we have למך (lemekh) which means a fool .

The above example is a typical demonstration of how Jewish tradition and wisdom are intertwined with the esoteric side of ABIR® The Warrior Art. While the concept is mystical in nature, one can see purity of logic in a form of wisdom simple enough for anyone to apply in combat as well as in one's daily life. ABIR® makes continuous use of the Hebrew aleph-bet as without this, one could not receive the many beautiful lessons, concepts, laws and basic principles dressed so elegantly in the language of the ancient Israelite.

http://www.abirwarriorarts.com/definition_Abir.htm

(to be continued ...)

From Hagakure - The Book of the Samurai

2007-05-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

Hagakure means "hidden by the leaves" or "hidden leaves". It's a collection of writings or a philosophy if you will by the Samurai Yamamoto Tsunetomo. He never saw actual warfare and after the death of his daimyō (master - a great feudal leader - leading figure of a clan - literally means "great name") he was unable to commit the ritual form of suicide following the death of one's master, called junshi, because it was outlawed by his Lord (daimyō). He then became a Buddhist monk and lived out his days writing in near seclusion.

From the Hagakure-

Every morning one should first do reverence to his master and parents and then to his patron deities and guardian Buddhas. If he will only make his master first in importance, his parents will rejoice and the gods and Buddhas will give their assent. For a warrior there is nothing other than thinking of his master. If one creates this resolution within himself, he will always be mindful of the master's person and will not depart from him even for a moment.

Moreover, a woman should consider her husband first, just as he considers his master first.

Pretty interesting in it's own right huh? Now what if we applied a little poetic license and some of that samurai determination and it read a little something like this ...

Every morning one should first do reverence to the Lord and then to others. If he will only make the Lord first in importance, others will give their assent. For a warrior there is nothing other than thinking of the Lord. If one creates this resolution within himself, he will always be mindful of the Lord's person and will not depart from Him even for a moment.

Sounds simple but the message is deep. Very deep. A disciplined life for the Warrior and a determination to always meditate on the Lord keeps us loyal and obedient.

Another --

Being a retainer is nothing other than being a supporter of one's lord, entrusting matters of good and evil to him, and renouncing self interest. If there are but two or three men of this type, the fief will be secure.

If one looks at the world when affairs are going smoothly, there are many who go about putting in their appearance, being useful by their wisdom, discriminations, and artfulness. However, if the lord should retire or go into seclusion, there are many who will quickly turn their backs on him and ingratiate themselves to the man of the day. Such a thing is unpleasant even to think about. Men of high position, low position, deep wisdom and artfulness all feel that they are the ones working righteously, but when it comes to the point of throwing away one's life for his lord, will get weak in the knees. This is rather disgraceful. The fact that a useless person often becomes a matchless warrior at such times is because he has already given up his life and has become one with his lord. ...

Loyalty is said to be important in the pledge between lord and retainer. Though it may seem unattainable, it is right before your eyes. If you once set yourself to it, you will become a superb retainer at that very moment.

Applicable to the modern Christian Warrior? I think so ...

The Way of the Warrior - Bushido

2007-05-26T02:21:00.000-04:00

For those of you who are feeling a more Warrior bent to your lives these days ... indulge me a bit? For those who just aren't -feeling it- ... my apologies. This is just one of those posts I feel that I need to make.

As I've mentioned before ... I've studied a good deal about Warriors and Warfare in the past few years. I've studied Asian models of Warriors as well as Greek and Roman models of Warriors. I've looked closely at words such as Hero, honor, obligation, integrity, committment and such. I've looked at how those words apply to the life of a Warrior. My personal favorite IN SPITE of the strong Asian leanings is the life of the Samurai. Not all Men or Warriors of the ancient cultures are selfless ... some more determined by selfish forces than altruistic ones and certainly the Samurai are no exception. However ... I'd like to look at a few parallels if you can set aside the obvious religious or philosophical differences in motivation to see the common ground.

Bushido, literally translated "Way of the Warrior," developed in Japan between the Heian and Tokugawa Ages (9th-12th century). It was a code and way of life for Samurai, a class of warriors similar to the medieval knights of Europe. It was influenced by Zen and Confucianism, two different schools of thought of those periods. Bushido is not unlike the chivalry and codes of the European knights. "It puts emphasis on loyalty, self sacrifice, justice, sense of shame, refined manners, purity, modesty, frugality, martial spirit, honor and affection" (Nippon Steel Human Resources Development Co., Ltd. 329).

From Buddhism, Bushido gets its relationship to danger and death. The samurai do not fear death because they believe as Buddhism teaches, after death one will be reincarnated and may live another life here on earth. The samurai are warriors from the time they become samurai until their death; they have no fear of danger. Through Zen, a school of Buddhism one can reach the ultimate "Absolute." Zen meditation teaches one to focus and reach a level of thought words cannot describe. Zen teaches one to "know thyself" and do not to limit yourself. Samurai used this as a tool to drive out fear, unsteadiness and ultimately mistakes. These things could get him killed.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

For the Christian, we too have motivation that enables us to not fear death and to drive out fear, unsteadiness, and cowardly acts. We have the absolute of all absolutes ... we have an understanding of who our God is ... and of the price ALREADY paid for us by our Lord and Christ, Jesus. We have the same foundational motivations as the samurai though we derive that foundation in completely different ways religiously and philosophically.

Shintoism, another Japanese doctrine, gives Bushido its loyalty and patriotism. Shintoism includes ancestor-worship which makes the Imperial family the fountain-head of the whole nation. It awards the emperor a god-like reverence. He is the embodiment of Heaven on earth. With such loyalty, the samurai pledge themselves to the emperor and their daimyo or feudal landlords, higher ranking samurai. Shintoism also provides the backbone for patriotism to their country, Japan. They believe the land is not merely there for their needs, "it is the sacred abode to the gods, the spirits of their forefathers . . ." (Nitobe, 14). The land is cared for, protected and nurtured through an intense patriotism.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

While more asian philosophies and religious beliefs give the samurai a basis of loyalty and patriotism, we again have the ultimate source of motivation for loyalty. A loving God who has sought us, redeemed us, loves us and will spend eternity with us. A God who deals in grace and mercy is the highest motivational source of loyalty and we believe that our land isn't merely here to be robbed but that it is a part of God's creation and founded on Christian principles.

Confucianism gives Bushido its beliefs in relationships with the human world, their environment and family. Confucianism's stress on the five moral relations between master and servant, father and son, husband and wife, older and younger brother, and friend and friend, are what the samurai follow. However, the samurai disagreed strongly with many of the writings of Confucius. They believed that man should not sit and read books all day, nor shall he write poems all day, for an intellectual specialist was considered to be a machine. Instead, Bushido believes man and the universe were made to be alike in both the spirit and ethics.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

Christians also have strong mandates for the moral relationships in our lives ... including honoring our parents, obeying our parents, loving our spouses, and our relationships with our children and our friends. These are not foreign concepts within the Bible nor within the life of a believer who is dedicated to the word of God.

Along with these virtues, Bushido also holds justice, benevolence, love, sincerity, honesty, and self-control in utmost respect. Justice is one of the main factors in the code of the samurai. Crooked ways and unjust actions are thought to be lowly and inhumane. Love and benevolence were supreme virtues and princely acts. Samurai followed a specific etiquette in every day life as well as in war. Sincerity and honesty were as valued as their lives. Bushi no ichi-gon, or "the word of a samurai," transcends a pact of complete faithfulness and trust. With such pacts there was no need for a written pledge; it was thought beneath one's dignity. The samurai also needed self-control and stoicism to be fully honored. He showed no sign of pain or joy. He endured all within--no groans, no crying. He held a calmness of behavior and composure of the mind neither of which should be bothered by passion of any kind. He was a true and complete warrior.
http://mcel.pacificu.edu/as/students/bushido/bindex.html

While I don't think this especially exemplifies the complete life of the Christian man with regards to emotions and with no mention of Faith or relationship to God ... I do think it's important and profound in defining what a Warrior should be. In times of battle a Warrior must suspend some of his emotions and he must endure what must be endured.

Interestingly, samurai were also known for their poetry and their love of the arts. I am not sure how a completely stoic man can embrace the arts with any love or passion but they were expected to. ~laughs~ There are many other facets of the samurai life that I do not subscribe to and were in deed hard to interpret even for the Samurai. The practice or relationship of shudo or bidō is of course, unacceptable to me. (Endorsed homosexuality among Warriors ... similar to the Greeks). And seppuku - ritual suicide to restore or protect one's honor as a warrior is certainly not necessary to the Christian who by grace may restore right standing with God through the blood of Jesus. Seppuku is also difficult in concept because it sometimes wars with other tennets of Bushido in terms of obligation or honoring parents. Is it more shameful to commit seppuku because of a botched decision in battle ... thereby leaving one's family without a protector and provider or is it better to live with one's shame and still provide for one's obligations?

My point in examinging this is not to give a history lesson on Japanese culture in the Samurai period but to examine concepts that make up the Warrior that we have little teaching on in our own culture. Our culture aside from military training is pretty vague about what morals or codes should guide a Warrior. We are not a Warrior society. Right? The Bible is a great basis for the codes of the Warrior without a doubt ... it'd be great if someone would write a book organizing some of those guidelines - using scripture to prescribe the Way of the Christian Warrior. I think it's difficult because we don't see NT Christianity as a warfare focused formula for life. And in some ways it's not ... still, it's helpful to look at the Warrior side of things in light of how we might gird ourselves for the fight that we will face in the Spirit.

I think that taking a look at other Warrior cultures can be a type of parable or analogy that is helpful in giving us a different perspective of the -fight- and the importance of the principles that make up the Man or Woman Warrior.

Or maybe it's just late and I'm babbling because I can't seem to communicate what I'm trying to say ... maybe I'll abandon this tommorrow ... or maybe I'll gut it out for another post or two. I dunno.

The Tats ...

2007-05-25T11:52:00.000-04:00

As the only Shama Shama (I think this is a safe bet) to have tats ... I figured I'd share my ink ... including my gorgeous Konnichiwa (Midori) though she isn't finished yet ... I go back next Thursday to have her finished ...

Tat #1 : On my lower back ... this was the first -

The Original Picture:

The Tat:

Unfortunately with this picture you can't see the detail in the bottom flower but it's definitely a painful and memorable experience that your lower back inked! Time to complete - 2 1/2 hours

Tat #2 - left thigh -

The original picture:

The Tat:

We changed her hair color and again ... a lot of the detail is lost in shrinking the picture and with the low light in the room but she's my mermaid. Time to complete: 6 1/2 hours.

Tat #3 - right thigh -

The original picture:

The tat - in progress:

Her makeup has to be finished and there is some background color, design in her kimono and four kanji characters that will be added .. two characters for Loyalty and two characters for Sensuality ... together they carry a very deep meaning for me. I love this tat the best ... obviously it has lots of detail but it's far from finished. Time so far - 4 1/2 hours. It's maybe halfway done.

Could I? ... (and other ramblings)

2007-05-25T09:52:00.000-04:00

Obviously the things you like reflect who you are on some level right? I was lying on the couch this morning with my feet in RJ's lap (yes yes I know, oh the life of a Princess right? ~laughing~) and I was thinking about a variety of topics from ... who the heck is Mike Huckabee to something that transpired last night at the dojo for RJ's jujitsu class. And then, out of the blue I was thinking about my favorite movies. I'll list them here ...

300 - If you haven't seen it ... you gotta see it! I didn't like the obviously computer generated effects or the strange -erotica scenes but ... with lines like this ... I can't help but love it :

Leonidas: "This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!"

Leonidas: " The world will know that freemen stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many, and that before this battle is done, that even a god king can bleed."

Dillios: " The enemy outnumber us a paltry 3 to 1, a match for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a world brighter than anything we can imagine, Give thanks, men, to Leonidas and the brave 300! TO VICTORY! "

Stelios: "It is an honor to die at your side."
Leonidas: "It is an honor to have lived at yours."

Queen Gorgo: "Spartan!"
King Leonidas: "Yes, my lady?"
Queen Gorgo: "Come back with your shield, or on it"

Messenger: "A thousand nations of the Persian empire descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun!"
Stelios: "Then we will fight in the shade"

Xerxes: "I will erase Sparta from the histories... The world will never even know you existed at all."
King Leonidas: "The world will know that free men stood against a tyrant, that few stood against many."

Messenger: "Who does this woman think she is that she can speak among men?"
Queen Gorgo: "Because only Spartan women give birth to real men."

Queen Gorgo: "Freedom is not free, it requires great sacrafice. The price is paid in blood."

King Leonidas: "My children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan law and by Spartan law we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breaths to defend it!"

Fearless - phenominal Jet Li movie ... in my opinion one of the best martial arts movies that have ever been made

Gladiator - a must see ... I could watch it once a week or more

Hero - watch WITH the subtitles to catch it all ... It's a brain teaser of sorts but great action scenes for the genre and definitely a movie that has to be followed closely to -get- it ... again, another great martial arts movie

House of the Flying Daggers - Again, great martial arts movie with an intriquing storyline between the two main characters.

A Few Good Men - What is there to say? "You want me on that wall ... You NEED ME ON THAT WALL"! Good googly goo!

The Pianist - gut wrenching drama about a Jewish piano player during WWII ... hauntingly beautiful

Schindler's List - a must see ... WWII movie about a German who saves many Jews from the death camps

Top Gun - sue me ... it's THE BEST recruiting movie for the US NAVY ever!

Officer and a Gentleman - Just whoa! And I'm not even a Richard Gere fan! ~laughing~

The Guardian - powerful movie ... redemption of the fallen man through courage, faith, and friendship - gave me new respect for the Coasties!

The Shawshank Redemption - Tim Robbins, bless his anti-war protesting self and Morgan Freeman are really breathtaking.

Memoirs of a Geisha - my one true -chick flick- favorite - but what a beauiful movie!

Ok so ... it's a strange list perhaps and by no means is it complete. I could go on and on ... but what really go me to thinking about this is a proposition one of Sensei's instructors gave me last night. Since RJ has been going to jujitsu Brian has been teasing me about starting classes too ... and I've just been laughing and shrugging it off. I mean ... people my size ... WOMEN my size don't -do- martial arts ... right?

Yesturday in RJ's first class, while he was in the locker room changing out of his gi ... one of the real -tough- guys in his class was sitting on the mat stretching out ... He takes Tae Kwon Do, Brazillian Jujitsu and Japanese jujitsu (RJ's class). So we are sitting there in silence as I wait for RJ to get out of class ... and all of a sudden he comes out with, "So when are going to get you out here?" Of course I just laughed. I mean this guy is very serious about his martial arts and he's pretty impressive. They've all seen me a good bit as I go with RJ to class most days and watch but ... I was completely shocked when he asked me about actually -doing- it. I tried to blow it off but he looked squarely at me and said ... "you can do this -- if you want it ... many people aren't in great shape when they start ... but you CAN do this".

So then last night at RJ's second class for the day ... I'm sitting there watching a big group of very intimidating men taking their class and I look over to see this 5'2" very thick woman standing in the doorway next to Sensei ... in a white gi! I was thinking to myself ... there is NO WAY this woman is going to take this class with all of this super in shape guys. She easily weighs 170lbs. Her gi wasn't tied with her belt and I'm just watching ... when she pulls out her BLACK BELT and starts tying her gi. Turns out ... she is one of the school's instructors! ~laughing~ I'm sitting there thinking ... "No Way!"

In the middle of class as Sensei is walking through the groups of people practicing knife attack defenses, he stops beside me long enough to say ... "Makes you wanna get out here with a knife doesn't it Caroline?" I just laughed.

After class this woman black belt makes her way over to where I am again waiting for RJ to change into his street clothes ... there are a couple of men still grappling and she sits down a few chairs from me and comes out with, "So are you here considering taking a class?" Again, I just laughed and she goes, "I'm serious. You can do this you know -- if you want it." I was like ... "ummm no way, I could NEVER do that stuff." She looks at me dead serious and says ... "I'll make a deal with you ... you wear some sweats and a t'shirt and come to class and I'll work with you personally ... slowly." I was ... flabberghasted. She said, "You want to do this, you know you do. Everyone does at some point in their lives. It's one thing to watch it ... but to DO IT ... you CAN DO THIS".

So I left asking myself ... "Could I do this? ME??? I've never ever done anything so physical ... and I surely can't get out there with all those completely in shape people and even try to do this" ... but there is this soft voice inside of me going ... "but maybe ... "

So I listed the movies that I love to illustrate something ... there's a theme if you can find it ... that resides deep inside of me ... and I wonder this morning ... Could I?

The Christian acceptability of mourning and other musings ...

2007-05-23T17:52:00.000-04:00

RJ and I talked this morning about my blog entry from yesturday ... He has some really interesting things to say on the topic of mourning and it's acceptability in our -Christian- culture as well as our society in general. His synopsis was based on an article that he was reading recently about the Western uncomfortableness with mourning.

Mourn: 1. To feel or express deep regret for: mourned the wasted years.
2. To grieve over (someone who has died).
3. To utter sorrowfully.

In other cultures there are often distinctive periods ascribed to mourning and there is great respect for a family or a person mourning a great or deep loss. Expressions of sorrow don't make people in other cultures such as Asian for instance as uncomfortable as they do people in the West. Granted Asian people are rather reserved in some respects and are reknowned for their dignity and poise in the face of great hardships, however, they are in general, as a culture respectful and understanding of mourning periods. They do not expect people to quickly get over grief and they don't expect people to behave as though great loss is quickly behind them. They mourn with dignity, however they are supported in their mourning.

In Western culture ... especially American culture ... we want people to be over grief quickly. We are uncomfortable with symptoms of grief and sorrow. We dance around the pain of someone who has experienced a great loss because we are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, we often feel almost -put out- by someone's struggle with mourning. It's because we always feel that we must have SOMETHING to say, I think, that we find ourselves impatient with those who seem to be suffering and I submit that sometimes we are possibly misguided. I believe that in general we do want to make people feel better but our hurry to increase our comfort and to ease our uneasiness can often inadvertently alienate the one who is trying to make their way through a personal agony.

Most people in America report that the acceptable period for mourning or expressing sorrow over great loss or pain is over far more quickly than the person involved is relieved of their own burden to process and talk about the situation. Often we rush people ... saying to ourselves that dewelling on a mistake or a loss or sorrow is counterproductive to their lives and their need to move on. And of course, there is always that dreaded ... not knowing what to SAY that makes us accutely uncomfortable ourselves.

I think we can be especially guilty of this within the -church- as well. We as so quick to try to offer spiritual succor in the form of exhortations to move on ... to not look back ... to just give it over to Jesus and never look back ... that we unintentionally isolate and alienate someone who is deeply hurting and mourning. We inadvertently push for a Victory in the midst of a great defeat ... we are quick to pull a scripture or two that while well intentioned and TRUE ... may seem more like hollow platitutudes and can even seem condemning for the one who just can't wrap their heart and head around all of that victory in the midst of their own personal heartache. We mean so well ... we love so much ... we want to alieviate hurt and suffering ... but I think sometimes we unknowingly create a fake it 'til you make it environment for a wounded person. Again, I suspect that SOME of it isn't only that we love someone but I think we have to search our own hearts as well and make sure that some of our hurry with a hurting person isn't founded in our own discomfort with travail.

I was reading a blog that I found a link to by someone in our small blogosphere here and the person is clearly hurting. A mourning period is in effect if you will. And there were many well meaning people who shared vigorous and inspiring words of inspiration from the Bible to this man. However, it was clear from his responses that he wasn't ignorant of the scriptures and that at this time ... they weren't powerfully comforting to him inspite of the fact that he clearly WISHED that they were. He just isn't there yet. I'm not saying it's not appropriate to remind a struggling person that we are ultimately overcomers by the blood of Jesus ... not at all. What I am saying is that the man obviously knew how he SHOULD feel if he could just apply those beautiful and dynamic scriptures but he couldn't. As a result sometimes well meaning exhortations only end up providing more self condemnation and guilt because the hurting person just can't figure out WHY they can't simply drop the hurt and embrace the victory.

Finally at the end of 10's of responses ... a man (I assume it was a man) just simply said, "how I wish I could hug you" or something to that effect. He simply said he was sorry for the man's pain and that he knew that healing was a process and that he too grieved with his friend for the pain and struggle that he was enduring. Of all the things that were said ... this truly seemed to minister grace and a soothing balm to his tortured heart. It was as though he was suddenly relieved of some of the Christian guilt we -accidently- sometimes place on our own wounded.

Don't get me wrong. To everything there is a season and for every circumstance there must be an individual response. There is a time for attempting to correct. There is a time for exhorting in love. There is a time for restoration. There is a time to mourn. There is a time to cry .... AND there is a time to laugh. At time to dance and a time to be happy. (No, I refuse to launch into the whole song ~soft laugh~ though I confess it's tickling the back of my brain as I type this).

I guess sometimes I find myself guilty of uttering the same scriptures and phrases that I MEAN to be comforting without considering that sometimes ... I don't have to say a whole of anything at all. OR ... instead of being still until I really hear what it is the Lord would have me say ... sometimes it ends up being really off the wall.

I say all of this to say a few points of clarification about my own desert experience right now. I realize that my words shared here can seem to be very forlorn and lonely. Maybe even a bit defeatist. I assure you, they aren't meant to be. I am working through an enormously difficult situtation and I've struggled with making a -private- journal in which to document this ... however I think I am afraid of where I could wander to or what I could actually justify if I don't have some sort of accountability so ... I've opted to try to work out some things here. This is a work in progress and even on the days when I seem the most defeated ... I laugh ... I love ... I am grateful ... and I DO KEEP WALKING. I realize it's uncomfortable to watch someone else's pain ... but I want to tell you guys ... who I do love so very much ... please don't feel that you have to always respond or to tell me how much worth you see in me. It's not that I don't appreciate these statements ... they are beautiful and golden to me ... representing the hope that causes me to press on.

However, this isn't a quick process and I don't want you guys to feel like you have to tell me every day that I'm not a scumbag. I don't want to wear out my welcome or exhaust my family with some sort of -expectation- or -need- to be encouraged or reassured every day. I KNOW that you guys love me. How do I know? You are still here. period.

I need to press through this ... and sometimes I just need to write it ... so I don't want you to feel any sort of obligation to always have to respond with deep reassurance. My reassurance is that you are still here at all. That you haven't written me off as a great lost shama shama cause. I need to be able to vent and process here and I don't want to feel a pressure from the pit to cut that short because I am afraid that I'll be thought of as beating a dead horse. I don't want to be tortured with the guilt of feeling like the Christian failure because my struggle wasn't over yesturday. Believe me ... I want this struggle over. I laugh ... I spend amazing time with RJ and then ... in a moment alone ... in the strangest times ... I am slammed upside the head with the reminder of ... with the consequences of my sin ... and frankly it sucks. So please know ... no one wants this over faster than me. No one is more sick of it than me. Please know this.

It's not that I don't want to hear your thoughts ... the good, the bad ... the challenging ... the simple ... even if it's just a note that says ... "I'm still here" ... I covet your presence in my life right now more than you can imagine. I just don't want you to feel that you have to say something deep or reassuring every day.

I am still walking ... another 10 steps today ... another few small victories ... another day that I didn't just give up completely and stay in bed ... hiding ... ~soft smile~ so that makes today a great day ... and I am trying very hard to find the ways that I can rejoice in it ... . I am defining and mapping out a personal journey here but also, please know ... it's not my all consumption. It's not my constant focus. In fact sometimes the only times I really allow myself to dwell on it is here ... I write it and then ... shut off the puter and try to go find life ... if that makes sense.

I am so blessed ...

When Love Calls You Home

Commissioned

Waiting on the edge of your prodigle heart

Wanting for someone to save you from yourself

Out there on the edge dangling somewhere in the darkness

Doubting if anybody really cares

But then Love reached through the shadows

Whispering your name

And nothing will ever be the same again

Chorus:

For when Love calls you home

Forgiveness embraces a past you once owned

And all the mistakes that carried your name are gone

Cos that's what happens when Love calls you home

Craddled in Your mercy that has no limit

I've finally found a place where I belong

Now I can't imagine one moment without you in it

It's hard to believe I tried to make it on my own

But You picked me up from the ruins of my broken life

And when every chance was spent

You gave me one more try

Chorus

The Ugly Truth

2007-05-23T00:15:00.000-04:00

I read ... I cry ... I cringe ... I cry ... I strain to hear the music ... I long to Dance (my sweet friend, Reed) ... but inside ... all I hear is the cacophony of my sin and regret and hurt slamming in my ears ... not that I can actually dance mind you, but I am not sure dancing is possible from the music inside of me right now.

I feel like the waves keep washing over my head ... like the shimmering hope in my desert is only a mirage ... ten steps closer today but the hope still seems just as far away. I long for an absolution that doesn't come. I am torn inside by a shame that is unrelenting ... it's kept me quiet ... reclusive ... ashamed ... hidden for so long. And I still don't understand it.

I read the blogs of others going through times of great confusion ... I see the struggles ... I feel them ... I hear the hurting cries ... deep inside of me ... I so understand ... and yet ... I often feel entirely alone which is utterly unfair because the Lord has been so faithful when I have been woefully unfaithful. He has surrounded me with such a host ... the most beautiful ... forgiving ... loving ... faithful friends ... and most of the time I think to myself ... if they only REALLY knew me ... if they only REALLY knew what I have done ... they would understand why there isn't music ... why there isn't Dance ... why there is only desert ...

I just sat and talked to RJ about this blog post ... about what I want to say ... and even know the fear stings my fingers and I can't seem to make myself even type the words ... I can't seem to MAKE myself explain ... confess ... offer you PROOF that I'm not deserving of ya'll's kindness and support ... I am afraid. I am afraid that those of you how know me know such much about my past sins that adding to the list is even more than you could bear ... and the fear keeps me in my desert while everyone else sails on their oceans ... that's the biggest thing you know ... the fear of not being loved.

I guess this started with my Mother's Day post ... the inevitible tripping along until I just fall flat on my face and come out with it. I see so much ALLUSION in the blogs of those we are connected with ... I see so much that can be inferred ... I see so much that is left unsaid ... for people to only wonder the worst ... but in my case ... that feels so false to me. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or maybe some brilliant psychiatrist would say that this confession I'm trying so hard to make is just another way of punishing myself and pushing people away ... so fearful am I of not being loved or of being abandoned by those I love.

I am neither brilliant or a psychiatrist. Mostly I am a wimp. Mostly I am a fraud. It just feels so wrong to read your encouragement to me when YOU don't have any idea what I am struggling with. I long to be able to sit in a room with all of you at once and to be able to pour out my guts to you. Then I would not have to have this additional struggle of a very public confession or the continued agony of feeling like I can't truly take your words to heart. God what a crappy place between the rock and the wall ...

I want to take on your loving kindness ... I want to embrace your exhortations ... I want to BELIEVE the good ... I want to taste it ... savor it like cold watermelon on a hot day ... I want to drink it into my soul ... I want to own it ... all of the beauty that ya'll offer me ... but I can't ... I just can't. I read ... and I cry ... I wrestle ... and I mourn ... and I can not find peace. I read my Bible ... I can -talk- about Biblical things with others ... I can give opinions or even some convictions ... but without telling the -whole- story ... I feel that I can't really tell you where I've been and without you knowing where I've been I feel that I can't really accept everything that you guys so richly and generously offer me.

I choose the music of courage and warfare for my website. I understand the concept of Warrior in crazy ways from reading so many martial arts texts ... and yet ... I find myself a coward among Lions ... and I don't even know how to overcome it ... I don't know how to make myself -do- whatever it is that I must do for me to be able to walk in the freedom I so envy in everyone around me.

I look at everyone else and they -look- so unencumbered and I feel that I am walking around dragging the anchor of hell with every step. Grotesque I know ... but I've run out of pretty ways to explain it ... pretty pictures that go easy on the eye ... and don't offend anyone's delicate sensibilites. And inside my heart wars with the forbidden and there is no one I can even tell ... it's not proper you know ... struggle ... victory is proper ... but struggle ... why that's just not Christian is it? We are supposed to be over it ... it's supposed to be done ... left behind ... no turning back ... no sneak peeks over the shoulder ... I am a ruined pillar of salt. I don't mean to seem bitter ... I am angry at me ... THIS is me. THIS is my fault. It's just so hard to keep trudging on ... picking myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and cowboying up ... when inside ... I equally mourn and cower in shame and regret. And everything that I read ... everywhere in our small corner of blogland is all about victory.

Tonight ... I long for a victory that I haven't yet worked hard enough for ... I haven't yet passed the time to experience ... I haven't served my discipline ... my consequences. I WISH I were in a church that I could go to and confess to and be given SOMETHING ... ANYTHING that I could put my hand to for a tangible act of repentence and contrition but that's just not the way it is. So instead ... I grapple ... and I wrestle ... and I cry ... alot. And every day I drag myself out of the hole of my shame ... and I force myself to answer the phone when Helen or Johnny calls ... and I force myself to read your blogs ... and I force myself to write something ... even if it's mostly just pathetic babbling and sounds far more woe is me than I feel. I imagine that brilliant but elusive psychiatrist would probably say that shame and self pity may be close familial connections ... but I can tell you ... for me ... right now ... it's not self pity ... it's self loathing that smacks me clean in the face when I manage to force myself to look in the mirror. I don't feel sorry for me ... I feel disgusted with me ... I feel shamed ... and I feel regret ...

I wish ... oh God I wish ... I could take it all back ... and then there is the true glaring question ... do I wish I could take it all back because of how it hurts God to sin against Him ... or just because it hurts me so badly right now ... serving the consequences of my sin?

And I remain ... too much of a coward to confess ... did I mention trainwreck lately?

nakedness

I am a newborn in Your eyes

as naked as creation day

and all I can feel is the coldness

of unrelenting winter in the spring of my birth

Catching her

And He was catching her as she was falling,

tumbling again from the dizzy heights

of lofty dreams and haunted nightmares

having bought more delusions,

than her frail arms could carry

daring to defy,

she had peered over the edge once more.

laden as she was with her pricey bouquet of seductive whispers

the gravity of reality, a sucking siren's call

pulling her over into helpless plummet,

the flowers of her self deception showering into emptiness,

she crashes anew into the safety of His actuality.

her own untrustworthy emotions still

wet in her eyes.

spring

the sun came up this morning

pulling itself up with agonizing slowness

spilling over the steep horizon with brilliant fanfare

to chase away my insinuating companion

shrouded in his mystery

even as he was whispering fears

to chill my heart

bring tears to my eyes.

the dawn burst forth illuminating

tiny shoots of green

Another few steps in the desert ...

2007-05-19T16:40:00.000-04:00

~smiles softly~ I'm still here ... sloughing my way along ... one foot in front of the other. Straining with all of my might to keep my eyes forward ... to keep lifting one foot and placing it ahead ... and then the other.

Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Reading so many people's thoughts causes many of my own to rush up and assail me ... the good ... the beautiful ... the bad ... the confusing ... the overwhelming. I am not sure any more if it's best not to speak or to go ahead and share from this broken place. What do I really have to say anyway? I wonder. I lack perspective right now ... in what I should and shouldn't say. Of course there is no derth of things that I CAN say ... but it's the should and shouldn't that have me tripping over my own feet. ~gentle laugh~ Not a very pretty picture is it? For that I am sorry.

It's rather like a trainwreck isn't it ... all the twisted metal and damage ... but you just can't keep yourself from looking anyways. I just keep telling myself ... even this Lord, You will use one day ... one day even this struggle will somehow be turned to glorify You. And I do believe that ... I'm just ready for the someday to be NOW. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way ... you know?

My heart is heavy for a number of reasons ... though I still see the sun shinning and I do feel the warmth on my face. I am thankful.

I have started the first steps in researching for my biological parents. In and of itself a daunting prospect. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. I think it seems like the right thing to do right now and so I am slowly going to move forward with that.

The missing soldiers in Iraq have been weighing heavy on my heart. I have a POW flag that is on the way right beside my computer here at home. It's been there for almost three years. "You are not forgotten." It gets so easy to forget. I pray that I won't ... I know that those who hold our Men aren't those who believe in mercy or in adherence to the conventions of POW's that we are supposed to embrace. I pray that God will strengthen them and that our nation won't forget them in this time that I can't even begin to imagine -- being at the hands of those who believe in such a gruesome treatment of the "enemy".

Somewhere Out There ...

2007-05-13T17:35:00.000-04:00

I have a biological mother who I have never seen nor spoken to that I can recall. I was adopted when I was 7 weeks old, I have no idea how much time I spent with my biological mother ... I'm told, it's likely she never saw me after she gave birth to me.

I have very very mixed feelings about this Mother's Day ... not helped at all by the fact that RJ is still up in Michigan and I really need him here with me. He will be home tommorrow.

Mother's Day ... I spent this week with two phenominal moms. My adopted mother who has been the only Mama I have ever known ... and Helen. It was great to get to spend time with my Mama ... we talked briefly about my adoption but nothing that hasn't been said before ... just remembering how chaotic it was to get a name, put together a nursery and buy clothes for a little girl in one week. ~soft laugh~ That's all the notice they got that they were going to get me. Talk about your instant families huh? Anyway ... it was fantastic to spend time with my Mama and get to talk and talk to her ... do some shopping ... more talking ... more shopping ... you know the drill. I then went to J & H's for Saturday and Sunday morning and then stopped back by my Mama and Daddy's to pick up a few things before heading on home to Thomasville.

It was hard to leave them ... both J & H and my Mama and Daddy. I have this acute need for family right now ... and spending the next 24 hours alone really seems like a nightmare eternity for me. So ... I was driving home and thinking about mother's day. RJ and I don't have any kids ... and I don't have any biological relatives that I know of anywhere in the world. Now, on the one hand that doesn't sound so bad ... until you really start to think about it. Yes, I've had parents that have loved me faithfully and without reservation my entire life ... but consider this ... for all you guys who have children and biological families ... consider just for a moment ... what it might feel like to have NO biological connection with ANYONE in the world. No parents and siblings to look at to see your own features or genetic traits. No children to see your own faces in ... or your own habits in. No one in the world connected to you in any way by blood.

I used to sort of have this common reality with my brother until he got married and had two little girls ... he now has a blood connection. Sometimes I want to ask him so badly ... "what does it feel like to have a blood connection with someone?" ... For someone who has never had that ... it's almost taken on mystical proportions in my own thinking ... I just want to ask someone sometimes who understands ... though my brother probably wouldn't understand. He's a guy and he's never been as outwardly vocal about being adopted anyway.

So it's Mother's Day ... and every one of my friends have turned out to be the most wonderful parents ... and I'm not a parent. My arms ache to hold a baby that came from me ... to know that bond ... to taste it for the first time in my entire life ... but there is no baby. I ache to share that miracle with my husband ... to get a mother's day flower or a goofy hand drawn card from my child ... but there is no child. After almost ten years of marriage ... no children ... no blood connection ... ~sighs~

I don't ever say it ... how I feel ... about being childless and biologically unconnected ... not really how I feel. Not about how lost I still feel at my age ... not about how I ache from an abandonment I've never understood. Not how I feel like I'll never be loved enough. Not about how I am sure anyone who does say they love me will certainly leave me ... or that God will take them away. Not about my failure to even give my husband a child. Not really ... sometimes there just aren't any words.

Don't get me wrong. I believe God gave me the best parents I could have ever hoped for. I believe He designed my family in a unique and purposeful way. I had a great childhood and I am very very thankful. But just because I am thankful ... and just because I believe God gave me my family in a special way ... does not erase the REST of how I feel.

I think I realized driving home today ... that I feel like a failure. And I think I always have ... maybe that's why I try so hard ... and then fail so miserably. Why else would I be so alone (biologically) in the world? It's not really what I think consciously most of the time ... but unconsciously ... maybe that IS how I feel sometimes. I realized today that I'm always waiting for the rejection ... kind of with my shoulders hunched to absorb the blow of rejection that I know will come. I think I'm not worthy of love or worth loving. And if the rejection doesn't come ... sometimes I still get so afraid of it ... that I just run away so that it doesn't get me first ... so if I control the loss ... it might be somehow less painful to me. But I'm always sure it's coming. It's really humiliating to say that ... even just type it. Rather pathetic really but today is a brutal day anyways so maybe if I'm honest about it ... something will break. And maybe ... I dunno ...

The craziest part? God has given me the most amazing husband who has never, ever, ever rejected me ... and yet ... I still wake up so many times and think ... maybe it will happen today.

Prolly I'll be deleting this pretty quickly ... I dunno ... it was probably way too much for a blog ...

A few words to my fellow Warriors ...

2007-05-11T20:48:00.000-04:00

Hoddie, if ever there was a gift in my life that I didn't deserve ... besides RJ ... it's you. You have the spirit of a LION and I can never EVER EVER thank You enough for everything that you've given to me. You have a tenacity that calls to my own spirit and makes it impossible to forget who I'm meant to be ... I love you for not flinching ... for not falling back ... for never EVER failing to jump into the fray with me. You are the Jesus with skin to me that will NOT let me quit even when everything in me screams to give up. I could not possibly love you more!

J., You and Cubbie have always been the Warriors of my own heart in so many ways. I thank God for you my Mighty in Battle Brother. You have no idea what the love and support of your family has meant to me and You have no idea what YOUR own never say die spirit has inspired in my own. When I pray for you these days ... I have this very vivid image of you in full battle armour ... sweating ... dirty ... a bit breathless ... but ever on point ... your sword in hand ... ready ... . I remember one time you telling me that you will do whatever you have to do to protect your family and that I was included in that family ... and I feel the prayers of your Warrior spirit and I know that you've come to feel again that fire and passion and steel determination that is YOU. I am proud of you my precious friend and Brother. I respect you ... more than you know.

Cubbie ... lately you've been drilling me so hard I've been dumb and speechless. I can't express to you how profoundly God is using you in my life ... how much you are His mouthpiece to me as I struggle through some of the hardest stuff in my life. Stuff you and I haven't talked about ... I know you have no idea ... which tells me more than anything that Holy Spirit is using you in a mighty way. J and I laughed about it today ... how on point you've been. I didn't realize until recently how much I have needed you in my life still Cubbie and how thankful I am that God is so faithful to bring us to the place we need to be in ... whenever we are ready to hear Him. I hear Him in you ... and I love you both for the speaking!

Reed ... like water to a thirsty soul ... you have NO idea how your words have given me life lately. The first time you posted to my blog I had been looking for you on the net ... I was unable to find you but ... funny ... Daddy God had other plans. How I long to sit across from you with a cup of coffee or a mountain dew and some sunflower seeds and just pour my heart out ... because you ... how do I explain ... ? It feels like Daddy God is speaking to me himself with loving mercy and grace when I read your words. I can't explain it but everytime I read a post from you ... to anyone ... my eyes fill with tears and I can't seem to contain them. I still need you in my life ... probably more than I needed all those challenging intellectual debates of the past ... . You have a profound gentleness and wisdom in your words my friend ... I beg you to never forget that balm that a few words from you might be to a thirsty, hurting soul.

Rodney ... isn't it funny that sometimes God's gifts come to us in the most unusual ways. I feel like God has given me a new gift ... in your words to me. You have been more encouraging and comforting to me in a very difficult time than you can begin to imagine. YOU remind me that God still loves me enough to bring not only old friends into my path but to also give new voices to challenge and lovingly guide me along. I can never thank you properly ... but please know that your words are like gold to me ... precious and treasured.

Jan and Greg ... You remind me daily of the love and mercy and grace of God. I can't tell you how good it has been to see the pictures of your family and read about how your life is. It blesses me ... it makes me grateful ... that you still love me ... thank you.

I am humbled ... and thankful tonight ...

A rainy day at the beach ...

2007-05-09T18:18:00.000-04:00

is better than ANY day at work, according to my brother Paul. ~laughs~

We've had some rain and some sun on day one here at Atlantic Beach so I guess I really can't complain! It's a glorious late afternoon outside right now and I'm just chillin with my Daddy and Mama. I just got finished showing Mama every's blogs and she loved getting to see the pictures of everyone.

Daddy is getting more and more quiet with each time that I see him. He seems to be in good spirits but is so confused alot of the time ... that really stinks. I wish there were something that I could do for him but right now ... all I can do is love on him and shed my tears in private. It's so insane ... watching someone just slip away.

I haven't had a chance to really gather my thoughts together for any real meaningful post ... yeah yeah ... I know ... what a shocker. BUT I have to say that Cubby's series on Egypt has had my in tears so badly that I've yet to finish a post. Every sentence is like a sledge hammer to me ... and I know that I have to sit down and face it ... and really examine what the Lord is showing to me ... but have you ever just had those times when things hurt so bad when you look them full in the face that you'd RATHER see through a glass darkly? If so ... welcome to my world!

I love you guys ... I love the presence of you in my life ... even know after all this time ... I realize ... there is no time or distance in the true meaning of the word friend ... and FAMILY.

Konnichiwa

2007-05-04T06:10:00.000-04:00

As I sit here with blood and plasma trickling down my leg, I have to confess that I am not quite sure why I thought I needed another tattoo. She's halfway finished but it's such an intricate piece Shane couldn't do it all in one day so now I have to wait three weeks before I can go back and go through this ALL over again. I really wanted to get it done in one sitting but it just wasn't in the cards for last night. When it gets totally completed I'll post a pic up here of her and freak everyone out! ~laughing~

It was interesting being in Shane's shop with him yesturday. He's a very interesting guy ... and has always been great to RJ and I but you get the feeling he is sort of dangerous too. Anyways ... as we talked last night before and while he was working I learned so much about him. He told me about his relationship with the Lord and why he only let's religion touch him but so much. He had a very difficult childhood with an extreme amount of abuse from his mother. She married a man that ended up saving Shane from so much stuff and even starting going to church with Shane. Six months after they starting going to church, he was killed in a trucking accident. Shane was only 11 years old but it was the only joy and hope he had had and he hasn't ever been able to understand how God could take away his stepfather when Shane needed him so badly ... and leave Shane, a little boy, defenseless and alone.

As he told me the story I just starting crying. It was such a stark reminder sometimes of how hard it is to understand when we see young kids go through so much stuff. There aren't always easy answers to "defend" God in situations like that. Sure when you aren't faced with a person in pain, asking the question ... we can spout off all sorts of apologetics or philosophy or doctrine but in the face of a hurting person who is now an angry, hurting adult ... those flip explanations sort of ring hollow to me. Jesus was such a simple man in all of his complexity. Last night ... I didn't know what Jesus would do if He had been there sitting visibly in the chair beside me. I just didn't know. So I did the only thing I could think of to do and that was listen ... and cry some ... and tell him that I was so sorry that he had had such a difficult life but in spite of that, I saw some really fantastic things in him.

I didn't give him the big "come to Jesus" spiel ... I didn't press for some "decision" ... Shane told me that he prays every single night but that he doesn't want a shove it down your throat religion ... I just tried to be a friend. As I lay on the table getting my tattoo another friend of his came in who is a Christian as well ... and they talked about a number of their friends who are ... and I realized that God has him surrounded so to speak. He is knocking on his door. I just can't help but wonder if I squandered the opportunity yesturday to impart something significant ... I just for the life of me couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't seem so flip after hearing his story.

Anyways ... everytime he changed gloves and started working on my girl he'd say "Konnichiwa" and we'd all crack up. In my defense I was delirious from the pain ... and all I can think this morning as I look down at the seran wrap covered ooze is ... Konnichiwa which means good day in Japanese. I hope your day is blessed beyond measure!

Please watch

2007-04-27T11:23:00.001-04:00

Repost due to traffic! :)

2007-04-26T16:38:00.001-04:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I scrounged around and found a bunch of reject pictures that no one managed to steal from me in my active days as -clique paparazzi- and spent the better part of a day scanning and uploading these ... hopefully they will bless ya'll as they did RJ and I while we worked on this. If there aren't many pictures of you it isn't because I don't love you dearly it's cause your pics were obviously the most sought after and you'll have to look around at the rest of the clique for the guilty party! ~grins~

I love ya'll! I have about 50 to 100 more pics to upload but I can't get to them tonight ... so stay tuned!

litergical expressions to God

2007-04-25T12:54:00.000-04:00

I have spent the morning reading various websites that you guys have included in your favorites and I have a question for ya'll ... just a curiousity but I'd appreciate your feedback ...

How important are litergical expressions in your relationship with God?

Most of us "cut our teeth" so to speak on a free style of worship and church that does not embrace much of litergical experience. There are times after having been raised in the Methodist church that I tend to disdain the repetitions and order of the service week after week as boring. HOWEVER, I also can see some of the point that under the guise of reaching out or being "seeker friendly" many churches that I know of or have attended today have completely thrown out any litergical experience as stilted or not giving a free flow to the Holy Spirit.

I believe that as times change so do some of God's methods but I have to wonder how the "great" protestant leaders of our past found there way to inspire the freedoms we have today without jammin or "moving" praise and worship and in the midst of a litergical order within the chruch every time they met. Are there keys ... or insights that we have thrown out in our "free style worship" that could teach us and comfort us today? I have to wonder as I consider all the various things I read this morning.

There was a time when I reveled in the "freedom" of the Spirit and loved a service that was so "God directed" that we never knew where it was going. Clearly a strict litergical formate, in my mind at least doesn't give much room for some serious corporate manifestion of the Spirit. I always have sort of discounted that approach as worshipping the order rather than the living God while I see alot of people who dismiss a free flowing service as worshipping the "experience" rather than our Lord and Savior, Jesus and our Father, God. So I am pondering now ... where do the two meet and is it wise to simply give ourselves over to format OR whatever goes?

I do find that I miss and long for the discipline of some sort of ritual or reverent approach to God. I find myself thinking wanting to wash and take off all of my jewlery before I go into an intense time of prayer or study. I find myself longing for some sort of differentiation in my time with God from the whole Jesus is my Buddy mentality. When I look at the old scriptures and some of the wording of the old Creeds ... I realize that I have so personalized God that I have lost some of the Old Testament awe and fear and trembling of an AWESOME GOD. I tend to look at my relationship with the Lord strictly on casual terms and I don't find myself wholly comfortable with that either. It sometimes feels like we have made God such an intimate Father that we have lost some of that reverence that makes us truly fall to our knees in awe and trembling of the Magnificence of God. Does anyone else know what I mean?

I don't feel that it's coming out well but perhaps I will develop a better way to express it later. I think there is something about waking up and reciting and creed and taking communion daily ... alone with God before I enter into my personal prayers that appeals to me. It feels respectful and I am finding a longing for that. There was a time when I would daily take communion and recite the Apostles Creed at the beginning of my prayer time ... I would sprinkle a few drops of annointing oil into the juice or wine and it was a very personal yet holy and reverent time. The soberness of the ceremony coupled with my personal prayer time reminded me of both God's intimacy with His people AND His own worthiness to be worshipped and respected.

Worship began out of a reverent and holy act TOWARDS God ... not for what we felt afterward or even during ... but as an act of awe and respect and adoration to our God. Sometimes it feels so ... casual now that maybe it does seem almost a bit profane. I realize we no longer need ritual or priests or sacrifices of animals to come to the Father ... but I do wonder if we don't approach the Lord a bit insultingly casual at times.

meh ...

2007-04-25T07:44:00.000-04:00

Well ... still no rest for the weary. We didn't get off of work yesturday and I don't know at this point when we will. Definitely on the 8th of May but I was really hoping for a few days off this week.

I am tired. This morning I'm discouraged and kinda down. I'm having a hard time this morning and I hate it. I don't have any great spiritual words or anything very profound to say ... I'm just ... trying to ride out the waves and hold on!

Just rambling ...

2007-04-23T21:18:00.000-04:00

So it looks like we might actually get some time off tommorrow ... I am trying not to get too excited because we don't know the particulars yet but ... I'm hopeful ... especially since the cats are in a full blown insurrection at the house ... they have taken over completely and I'm pretty sure they are about to demand a password before they let us back in!

Today I went over to visit them and work on some finances and I walked into a house blanketed with the lovely view of shredded papertowels that I had thoughtlessly left out over the weekend. Of course they also found some more pictures to chew on ... what IS it about cats and chewing on pictures? They also have unplugged all sorts of stuff from the back of our home computer and I tell you, I can't figure out WHERE in the world they are finding all of my old socks to pull out and drag around the house. Fortunately, Nicolai hasn't really gotten good and mad yet because the water tank/dish was still upright and normally he goes ahead and expresses his considerable displeasure by toppling that over onto the big food bowl, thereby obstructing everyone's eating schedule and ensuring they are all extra grumpy and giving me really annoyed looks when I go home! They miss us and we miss them so I am glad to have the prospect of going home for a few days. YAH!!!

Today Rich took his first jujitsu class and it was really neat ... of course I went and warmed a seat! (Hey, I'm doing my part here!) It was a cool place and his sensei seems like a really neat guy. He definitely seems to be strong in his faith and I really hope that turns out to be true. As much as I hate to say it ... I so don't want to meet another impressive younger man who seems to be all about the Lord but it turns out to be just words. I have had it with that ... surely there are Godly Pastors and men who are younger than 50 years old! ~soft laugh! What I mean to say is ... Juan was a man's man ... in every sense of the word and he really inspired the young men in our church ... but then ... well ... anyways ... I am hopeful but I realize that no one is perfect. He is a professing Christian and he wasn't ashamed to speak about it with Rich and I right away so I am trying to remember Johnny's statement from yesturday about taking people where they are at ... and not being too critical. I guess I just don't want another -leader- to burn us in some way.

Anyways ... the class was great and as I said, his sensei seemed cool. He asked me if I was going to join them and I was like ... "are you nuts!???" but He told Rich ... "We'll get her out here with us eventually!" ... I have to think ... THAT will be a MIRACLE! They were rolling around on the floor ... grappling and huffing and puffing and doing all this stuff and I'm thinking ... there's no way I could do that mess! ~laughing! At this point I'm just glad Rich is so happy and I am happy to be a cheerleader for now!

I am scheduled to get my new tatoo in about 10 days ... on the 3rd ... so if anyone is going to try to talk me out of it ... now's the time! I am getting a Japanese woman on my right thigh to go with my mermaid which is on my left. Yeah yeah ... not ya'll's thing ... I know ... but I'm excited about it. Well ... not the pain part ... BUT ... I am excited about the tat.

I think I'm going to get to see J & H when I go down to the beach in a few weeks to see my parents. Rich is flying up to see his mom and dad and I am not made for flight sooooo I'm going to the beach with my parents. My mom needs a lot more help with my daddy now that his alzheimer's is really kicking so I think she is really happy that I'm coming down. It gets stressful around them some now ... they are so much older and set in their ways ... it gets hard to have to always make sure we do things a certain way with them but ... in the end ... I am thankful for this time with my daddy so ... we just work hard not to stay up too late or do too much stuff that makes them nervous ... (like the computer -- go figure ~shrugs~). It's not easy seeing my daddy now ... it always makes me sad ... but I am glad too that I have a chance to love on him and sit and hang out with him ... which I didn't get much chance to do in times past.

Blah ... I'm just rambling tonight. Maybe because Rich is sitting here rubbing my back and it feels so good ... I just keep typing nonesense so he won't stop! ~grins~ I'll close for now ... we have a busy day tommorrow with team meetings and general staff in the morning soooo ... I reckon I need extra beauty sleep!

Love you guys!

Amazing God ...

2007-04-22T20:23:00.000-04:00

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and
You know them by name
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and
You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and
You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

-Chris Tomlin

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same ...

Tonight Exit Rite came to church to lead worship for the kids and they sang this song. It's not the first time I heard it but tonight when I heard that phrase ... You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same ... I broke down in tears. It just really hit me that nothing I've done has escaped my Father's gaze. Nothing I've felt in my heart has been a mystery or a suprise to Him ... AND HE LOVES ME THE SAME! He loves me the same then as He does now.

I don't mean to say that He approves of the sin in our lives but the fact (yes I've heard this a million times before but hearing it and realizing it are often two very different things) that He LOVES me the same ... regardless of where I am ... it astounds me.

The other day I was on the phone with Hoddie talking about a struggle I was having over how to let some things go and she prayed for me ... when she started praying Psalm 139 I was dumbstruck ... it was like I heard the words for the first time as she prayed them and I realized then too a glimpse of His message to me ...

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there ...

if I say surely the darkness will hide me and light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you.

Yes I've heard it, I've read it, I've said it to other people but it's dawning on me now in a new way ... in a way that is humbling and comforting and astounding all at the same time.

He sees ... He has always seen ... and He loves me the same ... it's never changed ...

BCH Friends and Family Day

2007-04-21T17:30:00.000-04:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The 12

2007-04-20T14:08:00.000-04:00

I can't even begin to express how beautiful it is to see everyone's words ... to feel connected again to people who I have loved for so long ... to see the commonness we share after years ... way way too many years of silence.

I am sitting here in tears as I think about how precious you guys are to me ... and how much your words daily or weekly lift my spirits ... challenge me ... give me hope ... give me courage ...

Jesus didn't travel alone though He was certainly a man alone in one sense. He traveled with his 12. Those who ate with Him, communed with Him, fellowshipped with Him, laughed with Him, and cried with Him. Such a powerful example of the importance of fellowship ... they traveled together with Him everywhere!

Why then is it so easy to buy the lies of independence. I am not speaking of individual relationships with God or with one's spouse. Of course those are first and primary, however I am speaking of the type of intimate fellowship that draws us in and on to great things in the Lord and in our lives. I have struggled so much this week with -needing- others. I have told myself so many times that I should just be able to weather this storm ... and navigate this desert by myself. After all ... I am the one who walked into it ... and I'm the one who camped out here for so long. It's MY problem and I need to find a way ... only that's not what I hear in inspirational messages around me.

I look at the life of Jesus ... Son of God ... fully divine and fully man ... and I see ... He needed friends. He surrounded Himself with close friends. I have somehow bought the lie of independence ... it's prevalent in our culture. We don't get to know our neighbors now. We don't get to know anyone very well ... we don't want to offend ... to step on toes. We don't correct anyone else's children and we don't get involved. Too ... the whole independence message conveniently sidesteps the possibility for accountability so we end up being able to -do what we want- in our annonimity rather than having to -answer to- those who love us ... those who are God's hands, feet, and mouth in our earthly lives. If I am not known ... then I can not be confronted about my sins or my straying ... it's no one else's business ... right?

One of the things I loved about way back in the day was ... nothing was just your own business. ~laughs~ Yes moderation and self control are needed but there is something undeniable about that just in your face ... your business is my business thing when it comes to loving your friends ... really hard core gut loving them. How many interventions did we have to go on? I don't mean looking back and realizing mistakes but ... how many trips out to whereever because there was a need ... to step into the fray for our -family-.

No doubt there is a time to sit back and pray and interceed and let God handle it ... but how many times today do we use that as an excuse for inaction ... veiled beneath -deep spiritual maturity-? Are we still ready to drive where we need to go? Are we ready to stay up all night in intercession? Are we ready to go and pull someone from the fire when it might mean a long drive and more work because we have work, families and committments?

I have known men in my life who have been physical Warriors. They have been strong and powerful and unafraid. And I have known in my life spiritual Warriors ... who have been equally strong, powerful and unafraid. I have known those who would stop at nothing to step into the gap and pull someone out ... because they were that powerful in the Lord.

Adam, Andrew, Billy, Brian, Dar, Kevin, Helen, Julie, Johnny, RJ, ... all Warriors that I have had the honor of knowing and loving ... and being known and loved by. I am sure that Christina and Jennifer are both just as powerful as their husbands! I have to laugh as I look at this list ... 12.

I am blessed!

btw ... where in the world IS Chilly B? We need to find him!

Taking each other for granted ...

2007-04-19T06:44:00.000-04:00

Last night RJ and I tackled another section of our devotion book ... it was intense ... but beautiful and essential at the same time. After the short reading there are questions to discuss with each other ... here are last night's questions:

What specifically does having a "happy marriage" mean to you?

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What can I do to bring happiness to your life?

It's easy to give a trite little pat answer to these questions and smile and go on your way. It's harder after almost 10 years of marriage to honestly sit down and answer those questions from the heart. RJ and I answered from the heart last night. We talked a great deal about taking each other for granted simply because we are together almost all the time. We work together every day and we are off together (well, ok it's been a while since we've been off) ... and yet ... we realize that we have grown complacent in so many ways and with that comes selfishness.

One of the key things that we recognized in ourselves was a selfishness and indifference or a taking for granted our relationship with each other and thereby not putting in the effort we once did in serving and appreciating each other. Patience is in much shorter supply. And even sometimes there have been resentments that crop up over each of our selfish decisions.

This is not to say that we have a marriage that is full of strife or arguing. To the contrary ... RJ and I never have huge fights and we don't go to bed "angry" at each other. Still ... there is a real lacking in our zeal and appreciation and love for each other that we both miss and want to rediscover in our relationship. We don't sacrifice for each other the way we once did and we both realized that last night. It wasn't an easy conversation because the Lord really revealed to us some shortcomings that we haven't wanted to face or talk about. You know, if you admit it ... talk about it ... process it ... then you are accountable to change it. Sometimes I think we'd rather continue on auto-pilot or "glide" mode than to have to face the fact that there is work we need to do.

We talked alot about first loves and being first in each other's lives. We talked about self seeking actions and about self sacrificing ones. We talked about having appreciation and love and patience with each other like we once did. We talked about having an ACTIVE love verses a taken for granted, passive love. It was probably the best conversation, as uncomfortable as it was to see some of the stuff the Lord revealed to us about ourselves, that we've had in years. But last night as we went to bed and I was cuddled next to RJ there was an intimacy that I haven't felt in a long, long time. An appreciation and a closeness that made me realize how much we have just been settling for "life" or "living" rather than savoring "love" and "loving".

I realize that a great marriage takes work ... it takes dedication ... it takes renewing one's mindset to keep love fresh and vibrant and growing. RJ and I talked about how much we had both changed in 10 years but it's been I can't count how many years since I have really taken the time to talk to RJ about his views or his interests or his dreams. We just go along ... doing our "thing" ... but not talking like we did in those days when we couldn't stand to be apart for even an hour. In some ways I know him better than any other soul on earth ... and in other ways ... it's time to get to know him all over again.

I realized that I'm not willing to settle for security and comfort growing old with my buddy. I want to savor all of my life with me lover, my best friend ... and that means seeing him with those same eyes that I had for him in the days when he was my all consumption ... it means hearing him with those same ears ... it means treating him in those special ways that SHOW him that he is so important and special to me.

Challenge Anyone?

2007-04-18T18:57:00.000-04:00

Ok ... a challenge for those of you following along at home! ~grins~

RJ and I are starting a daily couple's bible study. It's called NightLight by Dr. James and Shirley Dobson. We have done two nights worth and it's really good. They are short ... only meant to take up about 10 mins of time but the questions are great -- if you are willing to be really honest with each other. It's designed to be a daily course of lessons for 6 months ... all with really solid lessons and very interesting short story segments.

My challenge? Will anyone join us in this study or another couple's study for enrichment and accountability purposes? I'd love it if we all could start doing one ... either the same one or different ones ... just doing something as a couple every day to enrich our marriages and our lives.

So ... any takers? If necessary I'll buy the book and send it to you ... just let me know.

Ugh!

2007-04-18T16:12:00.000-04:00

Today has been a day of warfare ... of struggle ... of hope ... and dispair for me.

Last night I got another letter from one of the troops we are supporting overseas. Another 19 year old Marine who seems to be a Christian. His letter was short but I was moved to tears. He noted that he thinks that God is the only thing getting him through this right now. He asked for our prayers that he would be sustained and for prayers for others trying to navigate being in Iraq with many personal issues and conflicts taking place at home.

I decided after reading his letter to have a time of prayer this morning ... and to open it up to anyone else on campus (staff) who wanted to come. I called each cottage and issued a very casual invitation. I figured that at least putting it out there would hold Rich and I accountable for keeping the prayer time we had agreed upon.

So dawn comes and I'm of course so exhausted that I can barely get out of bed. I am tired and RJ gets up to get the kids off to school even though I had planned on it. I finally got up about 8 am because we had to take our van to have the tires rotated and the oil changed. I got the van dropped off and RJ came to pick me up to come home and put away groceries. (Wed. is grocery delivery day every week.) ... I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.

We set our time of prayer for the 11am to noon hour and about 10 mins to 11 am I was dying my stomach hurt so badly. I could barely stand up ... but we pushed ahead. At 11am we put on the worship tape we had decided on and starting praying. A few moments later one other couple (a young couple who are new to campus) came. We don't know them very well but it really -felt- like they were supposed to be there. No one else came and I was kind of glad. I made the invitation very informal and with no pressure because I felt like God would draw who He wished to come.

We prayed and worshipped together for the whole hour and it was great. Boy did time fly and my stomach didn't hurt at all and I don't feel the least bit sleepy. It has been longer than I can recall since I've been able to spend an hour in prayer and worship. Just an hour. As we were praying I realized that I don't even know where my bible is. I haven't gotten a new bible since RJ and I got married and it's been so long since I've opened one I don't even know where mine is. If I have needed one I've used a student bible or RJ's.

So after prayer, I talked to RJ and decided to go and get a new bible. The first Christian bookstore I went to is closing and had NO bibles in stock any longer. I came home and looked for other Christian bookstores. The closest I could find initially was over an hour away. I couldn't find a single bookstore in High Point so I ended up deciding to go to another little town where the parent store to the one that is closing here, is located. I got directions online after calling the bookstore and getting no help direction wise from them. I took off with my directions from online only to follow them to the letter and find myself on a country deadend road. I called RJ completely frustrated to re-mapquest the directions and to call the store again but only ended up totally confused and more frustrated. I finally just hung up and set off to back track and try to find it based on the scant information I had pieced together.

I finally found the bookstore and it was much nicer than I had expected. I looked and looked at the selection of bibles ... I wanted a navy blue one like I had in college ... I loved that bible so much. Of course I couldn't find one that I liked that was blue with silver pages so ... I ended up getting a burgandy and black one that was pretty neat. The engraver arrived just in time to put my name on it so that was pretty cool.

So I have a new bible and we spent an hour in prayer and worship this morning. All good stuff but none without some resistence so to speak. I am strongly at war right now within myself and I hate it. I want to hate those things that war within me more ... I want to dispise them ... I am not there yet but I am trying ... step by step by step ...

I wish this were all easier ... but it's not ... nothing about this fight is easy for me right now ...

Just because ...

2007-04-16T22:09:00.001-04:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pictures

2007-04-16T14:42:00.000-04:00

If you guys want to see pics of my family ... scroll ALL the way down to the bottom and click the video montage that Rich (RJ) made of the whole gang ...

The Boston Marathon

2007-04-16T13:55:00.000-04:00

What a morning. I just sat and watched my brother complete the 111th Boston Marathon in the worst weather conditions since 1977. He finished in 3 hours 10 minutes and 44 seconds. It wasn't his best marathon finish but it was phenominal none the less. The conditions were horrible today for an outside run ... temperatures in the 30's ... and very windy. As I sat and watched everyone finishing ... scanning the crowds looking for my brother ... I was struck dumb at the literal force of will that those runners displayed.

I can't fathom running 26.2 miles ... not even for the life of someone I love. I know that I simply physically could not do it. I don't know that I have ever worked that hard ... with that amount of determination for anything in my life. It humbles me enormously. It also shames me in a way.

I have given up more goals than I have ever achieved in my life. Yet I watched my brother at 41 years old finish 1978th overall. He was the 1857th male to finish the race. And he was 487th in his age group in his third EVER marathon. I don't even think I can fathom the depth of committment that it takes to force yourself to keep running inspite of every rebelling fiber in your body. I don't think that I can wrap my mind around what that takes ... I know I can't. And it makes me look at myself with some measure of disgust.

How easily I give up and I've never been asked to do anything so phenominal as a 26.2 mile race in under 3 hours or 4 hours or 5 hours or any other number. I don't even know how long it would take me to even WALK that far. Way too long for sure.

I am struck with my laziness today. With my lack of inner drive ... my lack of will and determination. I without fail give up long before it hurts to the degree that those runners must have hurt today. How can I ever think that I could do or be someone special or significant in this world. I am too easily defeated. I don't even know how to find inner resolve. I am like a dog returning to my vomit on my best day.

20, 614 people started the Boston Marathon this morning. 4,577 men ran in my brother's age group. He finished 487th. I am so proud of him! I don't think I've ever done anything that has made someone else proud. What an eyeopener!

Peaceful Islam?

2007-04-14T10:21:00.000-04:00

I've been participating on a discussion board about the peacefulness or lack of peacefulness taught in the Qur'an.

The Qur'an is a book containing the literal Word of Allah. It was transmitted from Allah to an angel of His (Gabriel), and from the angel to the Messenger of Allah who delivered it to us. The Qur'an covers a wide variety of topics, including evidence to support its claim of being the Word of the Creator, stories of earlier generations, rules which humanity is asked to obey, and information about the Hereafter. The Qur'an claims that it is protected from change by other than Allah, and this is confirmed by its 1400 year history. The earliest copies and the latest copies are the same.

The Sunnah is the term used to describe how the Messenger of Allah (saas) lived his life. The Messenger's life is an example for all Muslims, or those who accept Islam, to follow. Whatever the Messenger (saas) did, said, or approved of is a source of Islam just as much as the Qur'an. The Messenger's role is not overemphasized: his life was dictated by what the Creator desired, and the Messenger did not add or subtract to Islam according to his own personal whim. His life was such that his wife called him "a walking Qur'an."

The Qur'an and Sunnah are the only two mediums by which Allah has directly taught us about Islam. This leads us to the following simple but critical principle:
-from Ten Misconceptions About Islam http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/notislam/misconceptions.html

It is important when understanding the Qu'ran to know that the Sura's are not ordered in a first to last revelation sequence. They are ordered according to the instructions of Mohammed and aren't an example of chronological revelations. This is a chart that shows the Sura's as they are number as well as what order Mohammed received them in:

http://www.submission.org/suras/app23.html

Each sura, or chapter, is generally known by a name derived from a key word in the text of that chapter (see List of chapter names). The chapters are not arranged in chronological order (i.e. in the order in which Islamic scholars believe they were revealed) but roughly descending by size, to aid oral memory (e.g. see Sura 54 Ayah 17).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qur

Here are the posts that I made on the discussion forum in response to assertions that there are possibly peace loving devout Muslims.

First post:

One of the main problems I have with people who say that only a small part of Muslims are extreme is the Quran and the teachings of Mohammed. I am not saying that there aren't peace loving Muslims but I'm saying ... they really don't understand a lot of the teachings of Mohammed or don't choose to follow them if they are.

In the first part of Mohammed's life He preached about peace and harmony. That was His message. The problem with Mohammed's teachings is that His entire message was based on a current revelation superseding a previous one. So as His life progresses His revelations become more hostile and militant. He then says earlier revelations about peace and harmony are superseded by His revelations of jihad and war. By the end of His life He was on a killing spree and His teachings at that time supported that. With the stress on the fact that the revelations later in His life cancelled out the earlier revelations.

This is a problem for any Muslim who wishes to claim a devote status with Mohammed as the prophet. They can't embrace peace and harmony as a part of their religious doctrine because Mohammed expressly does not teach by the end of His life that that is the way. It's almost like a Christian who only reads the Old Testament and bases their whole belief system on the first part of the book. The ironic thing is ... for the Christian, peace and harmony come in the second half of the book. For the Muslim, war and killing come at the second half of the book. But to really understand the tenants of each religion one must read the whole. Not just a part.

This would work fine if Mohammed made provision for His early teachings to mingle with His later teachings but He did not. Therefore, there is a serious quandary for the -peace loving- Muslim. One can't base their Christian life wholly on the 10 Commandments and one can't well base a devoted Muslim life on the first suras but ignoring the last ones.

This is the thing that -radical- Muslims understand. They -are- the ones most following the teachings of the Quran and of the Prophet. Based on His life and His own declarations that the last revelations supersede the first.

The Sacred month for the sacred month and all sacred things are (under the law of) retaliation; whoever then acts aggressively against you, inflict injury on him according to the injury he has inflicted on you and be careful (of your duty) to Allah and know that Allah is with those who guard (against evil). (2:194)

"Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not." (2:216)

"Soon shall We cast terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers, for that they joined companions with Allah, for which He had sent no authority: their abode will be the Fire: And evil is the home of the wrong-doers!" (3:151)

"How many a township have We destroyed! As a raid by night, or while they slept at noon, Our terror came unto them. No plea had they, when Our terror came unto them, save that they said: Lo! We were wrong-doers." (7:4-5)

"Remember thy Lord inspired the angels (with the message): 'I am with you: give firmness to the Believers: I will instil terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them.'" (8:12)

So when the Sacred Months have passed, then fight the Mushrikun [unbelievers] wherever you find them, and capture them and besiege them, and lie inwait for them in each and every ambush. But if they repent and perform the Salah [Islamic prayers five times daily], and give the Zakah [alms asrequired by Islamic law], then leave their way free. Verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (9:5)

Arab-American psychologist Wafa Sultan has pointed out that the prophet of Islam said: "I was ordered to fight the people until they believe in Allah and his Messenger." Sultan has called on Islamic teachers to review their writings and teachings and remove every call to fight people who do not believe as Muslims.[66] Dr. Sultan is now in hiding, fearing for her life and the safety of her family after appearing on the al-Jazeera TV show. [67]Muslims for a Safe America have opened a dialogue on some of the issues raised by Dr. Sultan.[68]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticism_of_the_Qur%27an

Allah will bestow a vast reward on those who fight in religious wars. Sura 4, 74

Have no unbelieving friends. Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them. 89If the unbelievers do not offer you peace, kill them wherever you find them. Against such you are given clear warrant. 91Sura 4, 89-91

Second Post:

As Utar pointed out Solaris, no one denies the eye for an eye teachings of the Old Testament. HOWEVER, as I think You well know, the New Testament is the -New Covenant- that God made with His people it advocates NOTHING of violence. In fact, the New Testament scripture shows Jesus saying this: "You have heard that it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth". But I say to you, do not resist an evildoer. If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."- (Matthew 5:38-39, NRSV)

I am not trying to debate religion here in so much as I am saying that -peace loving- Muslims seem to be unaware of their own history of their prophet.

Mohammed Himself moved through four stages of position on the issue of violence throughout His life. It is undeniable if you understand Islam that He taught that His revelations were progressive and that they canceled out previous revelations.

The Four Stages:

Stage One: No Retaliation

When Muhammad began preaching Islam in 610 A. D. in Mecca, his fellow tribesmen (Koreish) became increasingly hostile toward him because of his condemnation of their idolatry. The chapters (suras) of the Koran which originated during the 13 years Muhammad continued to live in Mecca, contain no instruction about fighting, in spite of the severe persecution suffered by his small band of followers. Why? Simply because his few followers stood no chance to win in a physical conflict. Thus it was a wise survival strategy to avoid violent confrontations. Few verses will serve to illustrate this teaching.

In Sura 73:10,11 Muhammad urges his followers to be patient toward those who deny the truth: "And have patience with what they say, and leave them with noble (dignity). And leave me (alone to deal with) those in possession of the good things of life, who (yet) deny the truth, and bear with them for a little while.

"In Sura 52:45,47,48 the prophet admonishes to leave the unbelievers alone and to wait patiently for the Lord to punish them: "So leave them alone until they encounter that day of theirs, wherein they shall (perforce) swoon (with terror) ... And verily, for those who do wrong, there is another punishment besides this... Now await in patience the command of thy Lord, for verily thou art in Our eyes."

Stage Two: Defensive Fighting is Permitted

On July 15, 622, the increasing opposition forced Muhammad and his followers to flee from Mecca to Medina, a distance of 250 miles North. This is an important date, known as the Hegira, because it marks the beginning of the Moslem calendar. In Medina Muhammad was recognized as a prophet and was able to consolidate his power. His followers began looting the Meccan caravans passing through Medina. This practice eventually led to several battles between the Koreish tribes of Mecca and his followers.

Muhammad gained the first victory in the Battle of Badr in 624 with an army of 305, mostly citizens of Medina, over a Koreish force twice as large. He conquered several Jewish and Christian tribes and ordered and watch in person the massacred of 600 Jews in one day. It was at this time that Muhammad instructed his followers to defend themselves by fighting and killing.

An example of this instruction is found in Sura 22:39-41 where permission is given to engage in defensive fighting : "To those against whom war is made, permission is given (to fight), because they are wronged, and verily, God is most powerful for their aid." Again in Sura 22:58 rewards are promised to those who die in jihad: "Those who leave their homes in the cause of God, and are then slain or die, on them will God bestow verily a goodly provision." The promise of paradise to those who die fighting for Allah, has inspired countless Muslin through the centuries to become martyrs for their faith. It is this promise that inspires devout Muslims young men and women today to become suicide bombers for the cause of Allah.

Stage Three: Defensive fighting is Commanded

A few months after granting permission to fight in self-defense, Muhammad instructed his followers in making war as a religious obligation. At first the enemies were the idol worshippers of the Koreish tribe in Mecca, but later it included the Jews and Christians who did not accept Muhammad as prophet.

This teaching is found in numerous verses of the Koran. Richard Bailey lists 32 passages, annotating them with valuable comments. For the sake of brevity I refer only to four of them. In Sura 2:190 instruction is given to fight until persecution is stopped and Islam is established: "Fight in the cause of God those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for God loveth not transgressors. And slay them wherever ye catch them, and turn them out from where they have turned you out; for tumult and oppression are worse than slaughter."

In Sura 2:216 Muslims are commanded to fight for the cause of Allah, even if they do not like, because Allah knows what is best for them: "Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But God knoweth, and ye know not." Statements such as these make it abundantly clear that for a devout Muslims who follows the teachings of the Koran, fighting to advance the cause of Islam is a divine obligation that can hardly be ignored.

In Sura 8:12,13 Muslims are instructed to cut the necks and fingers of those who opposed God and to never turn their back on unbelievers: "Remember thy Lord inspired the angels (with the message): 'I am with you: give firmness to the believers. I will instill terror into the hearts of the unbelievers. Smite ye above their necks and smite all their fingertips off them. This because they contended against God and His Apostle. If any contend against God and his Apostle, God is strict in punishment ... O ye who believe! When ye meet the unbelievers in hostile array, never turn your backs to them. If any do turn his back to them on such a day –unless it be in a stratagem of war, or to retreat to a troop (of his own) – he draws on himself the wrath of God, and his abode is hell, – an evil refuge (indeed)! It is not ye who slew them; it was God.

"The instruction is clear. When in combat, there is no room for second thought. Muslim soldiers are to finish the job by smiting the head and cutting the fingers of their enemies. The intent of these amputations was to make it impossible for the victims ever to fight again.

Sura 61:4,11-13 teaches that God loves those who fight in His cause with determination. He will give them victory, forgiveness of sins and admission to the pleasure of paradise: "Truly God loves those who fight in His cause in battle array, as if they were a solid cemented structure ... that ye believe in God and His Apostle, and that ye strive (your utmost) in the cause of God, with your property and your persons. That will be best for you, if ye but knew! He will forgive you your sins, and admit you to gardens [Paradise] beneath which rivers flow, and to beautiful mansions in gardens of eternity. That is indeed the supreme achievement. And another (favor will He bestow), which ye do love–help from God and a speedy victory. So give the glad tidings to the believers.

"One of the benefits of fighting for the cause of Islam is the permission to take captured women as concubines, in addition to several legitimate wives. Sura 33:50: says: "O Prophet! We have made lawful to thee thy wives to whom thou hast paid their dowers, and those whom thy right hand possesses out of the prisoners of war whom God has assigned to thee ... For the believers (at large), We know that We have appointed for them as to their wives and the captives whom their right hands possess ..." The notion that God would assign captured women as concubines to Muslim believers who fight for His cause, hardly reflect high moral standards of the Islam faith. Polygamy and servile concubinage have destroyed the dignity of women and the beauty of the home. In this areas the infinite superiority of Christianity is clearly evident.

By teaching that those who die fighting for the cause of Allah will have their sins forgiven and are admitted into the pleasure of Paradise, the Koran has inspired Muslims throughout the centuries to fight unto death for the cause of Allah. Today it is inspiring young Palestinians become suicide bombers. For them a "martyr's death" is the surest and quickest way to a better life of comforts, prosperity, and pleasures in Paradise. "Suicide bombers" see themselves as carrying out the teaching of the Koran, while serving their communities and acquiring admission in paradise.

Sura 55:52-58 describes Paradise as a place where there "will be fruits of every kind, two and two... They will recline on carpets, whose inner linings will be of rich brocade. The fruit of the gardens will be near (and easy to reach)... In them will be (maidens), chaste, restraining their glances, whom no man or Jinn before them has touched ... like unto rubies and coral." The sensual element pollutes even Islam's vision of Paradise. Believers are promised not only blooming gardens, abundant food, fresh fountains, but also beautiful virgins. Seventy-two beautiful virgins will be created for the enjoyment of the meanest believer. A moment of pleasure will be prolonged a thousand years. This pleasure-oriented Paradise differs radically from the Biblical view of the world to come as this planet earth restored to its original perfection for the habitation of the redeemed who will engage in productive activities and the elevating worship of God.

Stage Four: Offensive War is Commanded Against the Pagans, Christians and Jews.

The final phase of Muhammad's teaching on warfare developed after he conquered Mecca in 630 A. D. Most of the pagans living in the city became Muslims. At that time Muhammad was able to take over the city and cleanse the Ka'aba (sacred shrine) of some 360 idols resident there.

At this point it became evident to Muhammad that Jews and Christians would not accept him as prophet, so they became part of the list of Islam's enemies to be conquered. Thus, warfare was no longer to be a defensive fighting, but an aggressive Jihad against all unbelievers. This is the final teaching of the Koran which is still in force today and has inspired the recent acts of terrorism.

There are several texts commanding offensive warfare to kill the pagans, Jews, and Christians. Among them Sura 9:5 stands out for its explicit injunction to slay the infidels: "When the forbidden months are past, then fight and slay the pagans wherever ye find them, and seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem (of war). But if they repent, and establish regular prayers and practice regular charity [becomeMoslem], then open the way for them." The best way for people to save their lives, was by renouncing their religion and adopting the Islam faith. In some instances conquered people could save their lives by paying a heavy tribute and becoming submissive to Muslim rulers.

In the same chapter, Sura 9:29-31, Muslims are commanded to fight Jews and Christians until they are subdued. Those who submitted themselves to Muslim rulers were to be subjected to a heavy tribute. The reason is because God's curse is upon them: "Fight those who believe not in God nor the last day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by God and His Apostle, nor acknowledge the religion of truth, (even if they are) of the people of the Book [Christians and Jews], until they pay the jizya [tribute] with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued. The Jews call Uzair [Ezra] a son of God, and the Christians call Christ the Son of God ... God's curse be on them."

Sura 5:36-38 prescribes four types of punishments for those who oppose Allah and his prophet, Muhammad: "The punishment of those who wage war against God and His Apostle, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land. That is their disgrace in this world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the hereafter, except for those who repent before they fall into your power. In that case, know that God is oft-forgiving, most merciful. O ye who believe! Do your duty to God. Seek the means of approach unto Him, and strive with might and main in His cause, that ye may prosper.

"The four types of punishments (cutting off the head, crucifixion, maiming, or exile), which were to be applied according to the circumstances, reveal the ruthless methods used by Muslims invaders to advance their religion. Such methods stand in stark contrast to the teachings of Jesus to win men and women for the Kingdom of God by proclaiming the Good News of God's saving grace through the atoning sacrifice of Christ.

The Teachings on Holy Warfare in Muhammad's Traditions ("Hadith")

The teachings of the Koran on the use of the sword to advance the cause of Islam, are corroborated by the collections of traditions ("Hadith") concerning the teaching of Muhammad. The nine volumes by Iman Bukhari are generally regarded as the most authentic of the Hadith literature. In volume 4 alone Richard Bailey found 283 passages teaching holy warfare (Jihad) to advance the cause of Islam. For the sake of brevity I will quote only four of them.

Muhammad said, "A single endeavor (of fighting) in Allah's cause in the forenoon or in the afternoon is better than the world and whatever is in it" (4:50). Again he said, "Know that Paradise is under the shades of swords." (4:73). For Muhammad fighting for the cause of Allah was a way of life. He said, "My livelihood is under the shade of my spear, and he who disobeys my orders will be humiliated by paying Jizya" ( 4:162b).

The "Jizya" is the poll tax paid by subjugated peoples in return for their right to exist. Muhammad said, "I have been ordered to fight with the people till they say, 'None has the right to be worshiped but Allah,' and whoever says, 'None has the right to be worshiped but Allah,' his life and property will be saved by me except for Islamic law, and his accounts will be with Allah (either to punish him or to forgive him.)" (4:196 ). The order is clear. Muslims had to fight people until they became Muslims.
-http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/696408/posts

All of this information is supported by FACT from History. Mohammed lived the Quran and one only needs to study His own life to understand that He became a progressively militant person and taught that to Muslims as the way. One can not base a relgion on the teachings of a Prophet and then only accept part of what He teaches when He is supposed to be the holy mouthpiece of Allah.

As to the Bilble vs the Quran for violence? Aside from the point I made about there being a clear and dividing line between Old and New Testament for followers of the Bible and of Christianity. Here are a few stats:

Number of Cruel or Violent Passages:
Bible: 842
Quran: 333

Taking into account the size of both works:
Bible: 842, total verses- 31102 percent- 2.71
Quran: 333, total verses- 6236 percent - 5.34

When expressed as a percentage of cruel or violent verses (at least as marked in the SAB/Q), the Quran has about twice that of the Bible. (5.34 vs. 2.71%)*http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty/bible_quran.html

However, regardless of the number of violent passages, one must look at the message of the Prophet as a whole. Jesus came to finish the Bible and to set the tone for Christianity - forgiveness and non-violence. Mohammed says that Allah wants more and more violence throughout His life and depicts that in His life to an undeniable level.

It isn't just about the words of the holy book it's what is ultimately taught as the -way- of one's follwers. One can not read the Quran and truly study Mohammed's life and conclude that the Muslim way is peace. Perhaps if one isn't a -good- Muslim one could claim peace.

The really disturbing thing here is that I know some very wonderful Muslim people. I also know that most of them could tell me little to nothing about Mohammed's actual life or teachings beyond what is found in the Quran. The Quran is written in beautiful and sometimes confusing verse. The life of the Prophet as He models the will of Allah for the Muslim is not ambiguous or vague. No other leader of a major world religion practiced or taught the amount of violence that Mohammed represented and set out for the followers of Allah to follow.

Now we can point at -other- holy books all day and find violent verses or point out hypocrites through history or we can honestly look at the religion in question and what it's most revered prophet actually taught and lived. Just because other holy books contain violence DOES NOT mean that it's relevent to what Islam DOES teach. This topic is specifically about what Islam is. i didn't take anything out of context to try to misquote or misrepresent. One is free to examine Mohammed's life and teaching for themselves. History is very clear on His actions and teachings.

Third Post:

Oh but Solaris, you have NO idea what religion I was raised around. You have no idea what my religious background is at all.Yes Christ came to "fulfill" the law. Are you aware of what Law that was? According to Christianity the Law being spoken of here was the law that required a BLOOD SACRIFICE for atonement of sin. He was sent to be the ultimate blood atoning sacrifice and thereby fulfill the law that God had required of blood atonement from the beginning of the Old Testament.

There was no LAW regarding the waging of war. Those were the dictates of God to the people regarding their behavior to try to stop the need for a blood atonement. Jesus clearly says in the New Testament that He brings a new teaching that is one of peace. He clearly shows through progressive revelation in the Bible that peace and love and forgiveness was the way that God wished His people to go. The Prophet or Savior Jesus led a life that exemplifies peace, forgiveness and love and THAT is what He taught His followers.

Conversely Mohammed taught a progressive revelation also and His progression was TOWARDS, not AWAY from violence.

It is undeniable that if one follows Jesus His teachings were of peace. If one follows Mohammed His teachings are of violence. You just can't deny that IF you are reading the texts and histories.

This isn't about supporting prejudice against Muslims but this is about the truths of Mohammed and the Muslim religion. As any peaceful Muslim and they say that the Quran is confusing and contradictory. This is their explanation for -throwing away- the violent passages and directives. Clearly however, to be a real follower of the Quran you can not throw out the later revelations of Mohammed that call for violence just as the Christian can't throw out the last teachings of their Prophet/Savior Jesus. Each prophet or prophetic message supersedes the last.

What you don't want to accept is that what you are labeling as extreme is in fact just devout following of the Quran and of Mohammed. To the Muslim who understands the Quran it is NOT extreme. It IS the teachings of their Holy Prophet.

I am not promoting my -opinion- only. I encourage you to RESEARCH what I've written. Not just write it off with ... oh your words are just words. That is the most non-argument or non-basis for dismising what I've said that you could possibly offer. If you disagree with me ... then base it on facts. On YOUR understanding of the Quran. Show me where I am wrong. I invite you. Show me something besides a dismissal based on the fact that you assume that I wasn't raised Muslim so I couldn't possibly understand.

Just for your infomation - my nephew is 1/2 Iraqi (His first middle name is Mohammed and His second middle name is Younis) and His father is Iraqi (who happens to be named Mohammed) so I am more well versed than you might think in what is taught to Muslims. That however shouldn't be the basis of your refute of my assertions. Give me some research. Give me some history. Give me some fact that shows that I'm misrepresenting the Quran and Mohammed.

End of posts

It seems that no one else wishes to engage in the discussion at this point however, I think it's vital that people understand more than a spin doctoring to make Islam more -agreeable- in western society.

Peace in the Storm?

2007-04-11T11:03:00.000-04:00

Lately I feel like all I've been waiting from the Lord is peace ... peace in this storm that I have created. But today ... I had to ask ... is peace really what the Lord is calling me to right now? Or ... is it something more ferocious ... something more brutal ... something more aggressive than simply peace? I keep thinking of the movie 300 ... of the Spartans determination to FIGHT to be free. They didn't give up when the odds were overwhelming ... and they didn't just sit around wishing for peace or reprieve. They fought ... and fought ... because they knew that their lives ... their freedom depended upon it.

I want peace because peace is easy ... Warfare is not. I want peace because it sounds so beautiful and melodic and heavenly. However beautiful wishing for peace is ... one can't declare peace or truce in the middle of a war ... that isn't for a soldier to decide. It isn't for me to decide. The enemy has no interest in peace ... only destruction and I have this sense in my heart that it's way way too early for me to be asking God for peace talks in my life. I have been longing in the enemy camp too long and any escape from captivity requires aggression ... resolve ... determination ... pro-activity ... not rest ... not yet.

I want peace because I am tired ... but ... somehow ... I think God is in a warring mode.

X Target off my list of potential shopping sites

2007-04-09T15:30:00.000-04:00

http://content.hamptonroads.com/story.cfm?story=122500&ran=29340

This is absurd! In my eyes this is nothing but another attempt to shame our servicemen and women who are wearing their uniforms. There was NO evidence of recruiting and Target shamelessly touts on their websites all of their support of our service personnel ... apparently until they walk into the door with their uniform on. According to one of the posters to the article, her daughter worked there and was told during orientation that they didn't want to offend others by having military personnel there in uniform so they routinely ask them to leave!

Yet the profits of these companies sit squarely on the shoulders of our men and women in the service who serve and protect our free market economy and who keep the costs for these companies low by fighting the wars that protect our oil and trade routes. This is gross to me!

bleh!

Sometimes it's time to shout!

2007-04-09T14:02:00.000-04:00

While reading the -political- news lately and following the news on the situation in the Middle East I have finally come to a strong conviction. It's time to start -shouting-. It's not enough that we debate amongst ourselves and it's not enough that we buy the appropriate support paraphernalia to load on our cars to speak for us about the causes that we feel strongly about. It's time to do more. At least for me. I am sick of watching fanatics and misguided peaceniks speaking -for- me as an American citizen. I am sick of watching other people talk while I just wrestle and stew.

I finally did something today that I have never done before in my memory. I sat down and composed a letter to my elected officials in Washington to voice my support of their votes on the Supplemental War funding bill. No, it may not make an earthshattering difference ... especially since they voted the way I wanted them to vote. But they need to know that they are being heard, and watched, and that those who elected them are watching when it comes time for RE-ELECTION! This is the message that I sent to my three representatives-

My husband and I are regularly voting constituents from your North Carolina district. We live in the Thomasville, NC area and work at ---------------.

I wanted to take the time to write and thank you for your nay vote on the atrocious war funding bill with timeline and excessive pork entitlements that was voted on March 29th. It is beyond comprehension and unconscionable to undermine our mission in the Middle East and our troops with this type of display at home. We could do nothing more demoralizing to our troops and more encouraging to those we stand opposed to than to declare timelines and hold funding hostage in order to politicize this war campaign even further.

Our men and women of the United States Armed forces DESERVE our loud and united support for their mission and our enemies MUST see that they face the UNITED determination of our country in standing strong to our commitments. Faced with our unflinching resolve, they will grow disheartened. With the actions of many within the political sphere at this time, we are only disheartening our own and thus giving more fuel and momentum to those who would gladly slaughter our men and women in a holy war that simply grants them a faster paradise.

We must raise our voices and insist that the media and the politicians who care more about winning party votes and further elections stop using this war and our men and women AND the integrity of our country as pawns and bargaining chips. We hurt ourselves far more at home with our own media and the words of our own elected officials than any action that our enemies have taken against us thus far. We must change the tide of this situation in the Middle East by showing a stalwart and resolute face to the world, not the self destructing and effacing face that they are now seeing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from our global media access.

The actions of Britain in the recent hostage situation should show us more than ever that we stand as a power alone and we are still the only hope that many disenfranchised and oppressed people have. If we leave Iraq and the Middle East to it's own devices we have made the deaths of our men and women a death in senseless vain. We have failed in our duty to them to complete the mission that they gave the ultimate sacrifice for. We ARE failing in this mission when we fail to stand properly against the forces that would make us a simpering, apologetic country that cedes our powers to the United Nations and political correctness of those here at home who would gladly give over our freedoms to occupying powers without a second thought.

I leave you with my thanks for your stand and my prayers for your continued stand and courage on these matters that so greatly press us on all sides. I also leave you with these words --

“War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.”

John Stuart Mill
English economist & philosopher (1806 - 1873)

Caroline and Richard Outman

I would hope that everyone who reads this blog would take the time to write SOMETHING by way of support to their representatives so that it can be clear to them how those they represent feel.

If you need to know who your representatives are and how to contact them ... go to http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/ and fill in your information. I have never felt as strongly as I do now that I'm sick of people who don't represent my views being given the only platform that is heard for views. I am sick of letting my silence give an ambiguous message. I want to be clear to those that have been elected to represent me, how I feel so that they may be mindful of it when they consider their own political futures and the future of our country!

Rome wasn't built ...

2007-04-09T12:22:00.000-04:00

in a day. ~smiles~ How I wish that the consequences of our actions could just be swept away in the time it takes ... in the blink of an eye it takes for the Lord to apply the blood of Jesus to the sin itself. I know that sometimes we are given the grace of having those consequences swept away in the flood of forgiveness however, I know too that sometimes the lessons aren't the ones that are painless. Sometimes the lesson is in the consequences and we must press on rather than pray for a flood to wash away the consequences of our actions. I know that sometimes there must be something accomplished in us that takes time ... and sometimes it's a painful lesson or lessons.

I want so badly to cry out to God to wash it all away. To help me to forget ... and to avoid the hurts that have come from MY actions ... however, I know that in this case, it is not going to be. I know that I must walk out of this desert one footfall at a time and I know that His grace is sufficient for me to keep walking. I know that He is prepared to feed me and quench my thirst in this desert but I also know that He isn't going to give me a nice little oasis in the middle of it to sit down and camp at. I know ... I know that I must keep walking. One footfall at a time.

I know that the Lord has given me strength from Himself and from the close fellowship of others. I know that He is providing what I need but I also know that not a single other person can step these steps for me. I know that not a single other person can keep walking even though I am tired. Even though I am hurting. I know that it is God alone who sustains me and who WILL continue to sustain me if I will set my heart and mind on HIM alone.

Yesturday we went to Dar and Andrew's church and it was fantastic. If no one else needed the message that was offered ... God knew that I did. It was about remembering and it hit home in such a powerful way. The pastor gave a great play on the word remember and re-member, addressing those who had been dis-membered from the body for some reason or another. He spoke about how remembering the words and deeds of the Lord in our past were crucial in helping us to be re-membered to the body of Christ again.

I had a tendency to look back on what the Lord has done in my life and in the lives of my friends and then stop ... and shake my head and just kinda say ... "those were the -glory- days" or some other mental phrase that dismisses those times. Maybe because they are so painful in comparison to where I stand now. Maybe because I want to side step the -responsibility- that we all claimed that we understood so well in acknowledging the call of God on our lives. Whatever the reason, I have so many times stopped short of really really remembering those times because it was just so painful and because it felt easier to avoid the responsibility that sits on those experiences.

I know that I must not only REMEMBER but to embrace those -understandings- that I have worked so hard to bury. I know there is a difference between resting on one's laurels so to speak and REMEMBERING that which compels and drives us. There was a phrase the pastor kept using yesturday and for the life of me I can't remember it ... I wish I could. Basically it was something along the lines of - failing to REMEMBER the Deeds and Promises of the Lord is setting ourselves up for failure now. That we can't remain in a right place with the Lord if we don't remember His promises and His deeds.

I can't do it justice today and I won't try any further to explain ... except to say that I feel ... lighter today. I feel a sense of deliverance today. I feel a sense of renewed purpose today. I feel a sense of hope today. I can't wash away all of the consequences of my sin ... I can't make every compulsion or weak moment of missing a -friend- away ... but I can steel myself ... and take another step out of this desert. AND I do know that when my hands get tired in the middle of this battle that God has given me the most precious gift of those who will keep my hands raised even when I am too tired in my own strength. I do know that I have allowed isolation to beat me to a pulp long enough. I do know that I am surrounded by those who are at least as strong and determined as I am and maybe more so. I do know that it's a fight now and for a long time it wasn't even a fight ... it was a slaughter.

PLEASE WATCH

2007-04-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Though the video starts out with some tech. difficulties, I was really moved watching this. It's a bit long but very worth watching! Give it a listen and tell me what you guys think?!

too early

2007-04-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

It's so too early to be this tired. It's too early in a fight that I don't want to face ... too early in accepting the hurt ... the consequences that come from my sin ... I am a coward. I want to run away. I am just so tired.

The Wages of Sin is death. How well I know that. In so many ways I feel like my heart is black and dying ... from the price of my sin. I am lazy. I don't want to go through this. Hasn't ten years been long enough in the desert? Now how long will I have to trudge through this desert ... trying to make my way ... trying to find Him again? Ok ... perhaps I've been camped out living in the desert for 10 years ... now I'm on the move ... but hot is hot ... and alone is alone and hurt and desolation are hurt and desolation ... and shame ... it's the same whether the location is permanent or changing from day to day.

It's just too soon to be this tired ... that's almost all I can really think right now.

How Great ...

2007-03-31T14:06:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here fighting tears with all that is within me as I make CD's to send to our -adopted- troops overseas in the war. I got a letter from one yesturday and I plan to transcribe it here because ... nothing does it justice like his words. I cried for two hours when I read it ...

Every song that plays has such a different feel to it as I burn this CD when I consider that it will be heard (hopefully they will listen, pray that they do) by men fighting every day a half a world away. Newsong's version of How Great Thou Art just played and it was all I could do not to just collapse on the floor. I can't begin to explain how profoundly this project to support the troops has affected me. As I read more and more about the -unpopularity- of this war and how people are starting to treat our troops ... I feel more of a burden now than I did 4 years ago to support our troops. They are coming home with scars ... with things in their heads that only God can give them peace about ... and they are coming home more and more vilified and that breaks my heart!

This is just unspeakably hard for me right now ... wrestling with my own relationship with God and trying at the same time to figure out what He would have me say and send to these guys ... it's ... hitting me in a way that I really can't explain. I hear this music and think what will it say to them and at the same time ... it's like it's speaking to me too ... for the first time. It feels imperative ... I don't know how else to put it. I feel like something inside of me is colliding and it's ... beyond words right now. I don't know how else to try to describe it ... and I know this babbling just doesn't do it justice.

I am so thankful for Helen ... for Dar ... for Cubbie ... for Johnny ... they are encouraging me more right now than they have ANY IDEA ... more than I think ever in my life. I don't feel alone ... but I feel ... a grieving inside of me ... a calling ... a screaming ... a pleading? The thought that I am not alone is very comforting right now ... though nothing really touches me too close to take away this ... THIS ... and I don't think anything is supposed to. I just feel blindsided by it all though ... and I'm scared ... but there is this joy there too ... clawing it's way out of me from somewhere ... and then the tears start again ...

God ... help me ...

Cubbie

2007-03-21T09:45:00.000-04:00

It's funny how God works ... how for so long you can forget something or just let it sit in the back of your mind ... and then God once again brings it right in your face and reminds you ... His gifts are important. His gifts aren't fleeting.

I got another gift last night ... I got to speak with my old dear friend Cubbie. It was so amazing to talk to Him. To hear that He's a FATHER! And to hear the happiness in His voice with His beautiful wife and family. It made me smile ... and cry ... with joy for Him and with joy for all of us ... to get to hear His -voice- again. He's so grown though! *L* ...

And then this morning as I was cruising around after putting away the groceries for the cottage and I saw His comment to J and then got to His blog ... I had to laugh. Just sit down and cry and laugh because that sense of humor that was always so beautiful ... was just right there in His links section ... . And as I laughed and laughed ... I read what He wrote about our call last night ... and His comment that we never really parted ... and now I'm crying again with the truth of that statement.

I am thankful today ... really really thankful. For my friend Cubbie, His beautiful family ... and for the ties that only God could forge that could bind all of us ornery people together for so many many years.

love to You and the family Cubbie ... they are so beautiful!

C

does saying i am proud sound patronizing?

2007-03-19T20:33:00.000-04:00

So I took some time tonight to read J & Hoddie's blogs and RJ's too ... and I realized as I was reading ... I am so proud of them. I hestitate to say that because I had nothing to do with anything that moved me that they wrote ... but just as people I have known and loved a long long time, I am so amazed by their insights, their determination and their growth -- and I am proud of them ... of the people they've become.

I have really been enjoying Hoddie's blog posts and my talks with her on the phone. I am so blown away sometimes by her professionalism and maturity and insight. I find her words to be insightful and encouraging and tempered ... it makes me wonder if I will ever grow up and find my own temperance *L*. She encourages me ... just in the living of her life and in the way that she is honest about her struggles. She doesn't overspiritualize things ... yet her life is one of spiritual committment and devotion. She is probably one of the very most REAL girlfriends I've ever had in my life. Undoubtably one of the very most faithful to me when I've been so woefully faithless to her. I don't think she will ever realize her value in my eyes and my gratitude in her devotion and long suffering of our friendship. She is a treasure that only grows more precious as I take the time to see her and listen to her. I am so thankful that she had far more determination and faith in -us- than I've had. Now I hope to begin to culture that some level of devotion and faithfulness back to her!

J ... what can I see. There was a time I saw Him with all stars ... I saw everything that I thought He could become and I saw everything He wouldn't do to make it so. Then ... I grew far away from Him and I saw only that He didn't seem to care. Seemed so out of touch. I wondered so often about all the things I -thought- He was supposed to be and I wondered if maybe I was wrong about what I projected on Him. This is not to say that He wasn't always a good person but He became so ... -far away-. I am not talking about the distance that came as He found His wife and later as I found my Husband. I am not talking about He and I not being close any more ... I mean there was just a distance ... an emotional unavailability that seemed to surround Him for so long. It was ... hard to explain. I held out so much hope ... but honestly ... I held out as much concern for Hoddie as anything. I know that she never failed to see the Man God intended Him to be ... I just wondered what it was going to take to get Him there. I pray that IF He reads these words that neither of them will be offended with me for saying this. These are just my thoughts as I've been astounded with what I now see in Him.

I have spent a great deal of time over the past few years growing to embrace a Warrior mentality. Growing to understand the need for fierce and passionate Men who were both strong and devoted. I have grown to appreciate the unflinching, unapologetic nature of a powerful Man ... of a Warrior. The Man who understands His responsibilities and meets them without flinching ... yet can hold His wife and children with the most tender of touches. The Man who is honorable ... who has integrity ... who is strong ... who is determined ... who is UNAFRAID. This is the -Man- that I've come to understand is missing in most of the world around us. So many Men are so checked out ... rather than lead ... the seek to escape ... into sports games on TV ... video games ... yard work ... work on their cars ... anything that keeps them from the intimacy that brings them a fulfillment that nothing else can. Of course they are able to avoid failing and letting someone down because they just keep themselves removed. And yet, they aren't leading ... they aren't powerful ... they are starving those around them of the very things their women and children need.

Ughh ... I'm off track. I say all this to say ... I see the Warrior in my friend that I have always suspected but not glimpsed so well until now. I see someone who is waking to a call ... to a Battle ... to a duty ... it's like He is just rising ... just stretching His limbs ... but I sense strength and determination in Him that I haven't sensed in a long time. Perhaps because we have all be so long parted. I am excited for my friend ... I am proud of Him. I see Him moving outside of Himself again ... maybe for the first time ... in a new way ... even just reading His comments to RJ and I ... I have to smile ... I know in my heart ... my friend IS a Warrior!

RJ ... who on this earth would have stood by me for 10 years but He who has a love for me that ONLY God could give a Man. I am still amazed when I look into His eyes to see the love and attraction that is reflected there. He knows every flaw ... every unfaithfulness ... every blemish ... every unattractive thing ... every failing in me ... and still ... He loves me. I have not been the wife to Him that He has deserved. I have not been the wife to Him that I can be ... that I want to be. Yet ... He is here ... He holds me ... He kisses me ... He works beside me. His complaints about me are so rare that it shames me. He has more reasons than I could ever count to be critical of me ... to complain about me ... to find fault with me ... to leave me ... and yet ... He stays ... and He loves me. I never ever thought in all my years of wanting a Husband ... of wanting someone to be FIRST with ... that I'd be the one to fail so badly ... yet I have been. And He's still here ...

This Man astounds me. I am humbled and I am shamed.

despair

2007-03-15T20:32:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here listening to the guy who led me to the Lord preaching ... it's his radio broadcast from his church. And I find myself devastated. Not because of anything except I have realized how far I have fallen. How much I have lost. How little I know about how to get it back. I am so crushed.

C

300

2007-03-13T09:34:00.000-04:00

So RJ and I went to see 300 this weekend ... after a bit of arm twisting on my part. I had read Gates of Fire by Stephen Pressfield so I was a bit more up to date on what the movie was about than RJ, however, He was a real trooper! It was fantastic! It was pretty graphic and undoubtably violent, however, I think rightly so (the violence aspect) given what occured at the -Hot Gates-.

It was a mostly computer generated movie so it had a rather strange -feel- to it, however, I really liked most of it alot. I wasn't aware at the time that 300 was based on a comic by Frank Miller about the Spartans and their stand against Xerxes at Thermopylae. I disliked some of the more graphic sexual scenes, thankfully there were only two and they didn't show actual intercourse, only erotic imagry.

I think the reason I loved the movie so much is frankly, I love the story. I love the fact that it's about a stand against an oppressor that outnumbered 300 free men of Sparta, by hundreds of thousands. In spite of overwhelming odds, those men choose to fight and die free rather than bend their knee to worship Xerxes and serve him in bondage as slaves or vassels. They explified so many things about men that I think we have -progressed- out of them. They were strong, fierce, courageous, committed, unflinching, fearsome, determined ... so many strong characteristics that we can see from men of history are not lauded any more. They are presented as barbaric and uncivilized now.

Men in our society have become so emasculated and weakened by politcally correct passivism that it's really disheartening and disturbing to me. Our -popular- media culture tells us that men who are too strong, men who are too powerful in the leadership of their families, men who are alpha are to be -corrected- ... lack sensitivity ... lack culture ... . It's become almost impossible for alpha men in our western culture to manifest their dominant and powerful leadership because we have created a culture that lauds and celebrates the weak ... the passive ... the apologetic.

Feminism has driven our culture to a point that men must apologize for being men and for having natural drives of dominance. Women must apologize for being submissive to those dominant drives and must compete on an artificially constructed -even playing field- corporately that causes them to be more stressed, more dissatisfied, more unfulfilled than they have ever been before. And then we have the children who suffer most for the skewed apologetics that our society demands of strong men now - absentee fathers, divorce rates through the roof ... mothers at work and never at home (either due to economic necessity, absentee fathers, or their own ambition) ... it's no wonder our country is in such a mess. Men can not be men ... women won't let them ... society and the media won't let them ... and they have virtually given up all of their natural dominant rights to languish in the mediocrity that our society encourages. Standing out ... working hard ... setting an example really isn't even encouraged any more. Just do -enough- and go on home. That's it.

Oh for the days of 300 ... when Men were strong and fought with no apologies to protect their families, their homes, their country ... their freedom. And when women were PROUD of that strength ... not putting themselves up to compete with it ... or squelch it because they wanted their own power.

Ughhh ... for the days when Men would face great great odds to remain free. Sometimes I wonder what this country will have to come to before Men are able or -made- to rise up as Men again ... and women will have to take their rightful place, not as competitors who can do anything a Man can do and better by god ... but as compliments ... one to the other.

taken for granted

2007-03-12T08:05:00.000-04:00

As I look over my few posts here and read J & H's responses ... I find myself crying every time. With gratitude and with shame -- equal parts. Shame that I haven't been nearly the friend that they have deserved and gratitude that somehow, some way ... they still find love in their hearts for me. I know that I need them ... not a life sucking need ... but a challenge need ... I need them because they love me enough to shoot straight with me ... I need them because in spite of all the mistakes I believe we were all God ordained to be in each other's lives.

I need them because they believe in God in me ... even when no one else in the world has a clue that HE might even be in me at all.

I have enough regrets to equal a hundred millstones I think ... and they all feel like they are tied around my neck ... but I know ... I can't give up now ... no matter what ...

This weekend was rough ... things are just so tender for me with my Mom and Dad I can't really even write about them. I need to find some new comfort/inspirational music. I've been away from listening to most Christian music for so long I don't even know who to look for. I need to tap some sources I think.

I got some plants last night for the cottage and planted them this morning after my only boy went to school. Lavender and some other decorative plants for the kitchen (if the lavender will thrive there), tulip bulbs in a big wooden barrel for the courtyard, and a wandering jew plant for the staff office. I also got another bamboo bunch to go with my new dish garden and my big teacup planter in the dinning room. Hopefully they won't die.

I also got my workspace set up in the extra bedroom to paint. I am very happy about this. I need to find a desk that I can set up at home and tackle our second bedroom to weed out the junk and make it a peaceful workspace. I may never really have any talent for this sumi-e painting but ... I want to try. I need to try.

I need to fill out some paperwork this morning for requisitions for our flower beds and for painting supplies for our rocking chairs. Hopefully we can revive them a bit and spruce up the cottage some more.

We are getting a new admission this afternoon and another new admission tommorrow so it should be a busy week coming up, with new kids to teach the ropes to! I am not so thrilled to have another 9 yeard old in the cottage because they are generally pretty difficult, however, with our low numbers, I can hardly complain *L*. At least we don't have 8 or 9 kids right now!!!!!!

I need to remember to get the book over to Marisa today too. I don't know what I will say ... breast cancer. Everything I try to think of saying seems so ... trite and frivolous. I will hopefully think of something.

I read Helen's blog and I find myself wondering ... what IS it that God has given birth to through Helen ... she is too vague! I shall have to rebuke her! Ho YES!

the flood

2007-03-11T17:24:00.000-04:00

Right now I feel like I'm in the path of a flood of thoughts ... ideas ... convictions ... desires ... I don't even know really where they are coming from. For so long I've lacked any drive at all to get things done or to try to grow. I've just been -content- for lack of a better word to just exist.

But suddenly I can't shut my eyes without floods of thoughts pouring in ... I am not even sure where to start ... so I guess I'll start here with a list ...

*Work on reunion: "Ecclesiastes Project" (more to come)

*Set up a desk at work & desk at home for my painting

*Paint rocking chairs at work

*landscaping courtyard and side porch at the cottage

*getting bills more organized and prepare to itemize - medical expenses notebook

*work on "In the Potter's Hands"

*more plants in my life

*two times a month pics of the kids for mantle

*Adopt a soldier/platoon mission

*keep up with my blog

*more family time

*visit John & Helen and Andrew& Dar very soon

*go to Cherokee and see Randy & Janet

I feel like every time I close my eyes I get some new thing growing that I need to work on ... I haven't been this inspired to actually -do- anything in years.

Now ... will I drop the ball on it all or will I actually see it come to pass ... ?

Where do i belong?

Just ... WOW

2007-03-08T10:41:00.000-05:00

Timing is such an interesting thing ... it's so easy to write off as random or chance that which is honestly very God ordained! Reading about J and Hbombs situation ... I find myself again humbled. What a tremendous job and responsibility being a parent is. What a glorious thing when a child has Christian parents.

Yes I know our goal is that our children won't sin ... but in this world ... filled with fallen man and a very sinful condition ... just as it's important to hope and pray and teach so that they won't sin or fall ... I think it's JUST as important to teach them how to cover from falling ... how to shake off the sin that so easily besets us. We have to equip today's young people not only with the guide and compass for right decisions, but the model of how to recover from wrong decisions. I have so much respect for J & H's approach to their situation. It was brave, unflinching, and it was instructive. They gave their son something very very imporant ... they gave Him godly instruction and modeled Godly sorrow and repentence WITH him.

Rich and I are going to be leaving work for a few days to head to Raleigh. Mama called last night and just kept saying, "Can you come this weekend" ... soo we decided to appeal to work to be allowed to leave for a few days. We will be leaving this afternoon and returning Sunday afternoon. I am really thankful that we are being given the time to go. I feel like Mama really needs us.

This time I am determined to pack the camera and not hide from it either! *L*. I am taking my sumi-e painting in hopes that Mama and I can work on some together. I think she might end up getting into it! She is such an amazing artist anyways. At the least, it will be something for her and I to do together! Daddy didn't recognize my voice when I called yesturday.

Hoddie, as for the Group link to the Potter's hands ... look over on the left side of my page here under links ... there is a link already set up for it ... click the link, then request to join please! Both you and J ... I'll call you tonight or tommorrow!

Gettin something started ...

2007-03-07T06:30:00.000-05:00

Soooo I couldn't sleep this morning ... too much on my mind. I decided to get up and root around the net for an interactive place to maybe start some -old school- dialouge. I checked out both MSN and Yahoo for groups or clubs space, and I think I prefer Yahoo, of the two.

So this morning I started In the Potter's Hands which is a yahoo group hopefully for us old and scattered friends to rejoin and begin to rediscover some old challenges and re-ignite some passion that has maybe slipped away for some of us.

I am hoping that someone will decide to step up and take responsibility for In the Potter's Hands as a type of ministry outreach. I do not feel at this point that I am even close to capable of trying to do more than get a fire started. I can't pretend that I'm in any place to lead ... I really really need some help following at this point.

So, I am hopeful. Maybe for the first time in a long time ... let's see where it goes ...

I'm trying to plant a seed ...

Going a Little Overboard

2007-03-06T12:11:00.000-05:00

So, there are days when things get a little crazy right? I had that kind of day the other day ... and as a result, a giant package was delivered to my door this morning. The package was from Barnes & Noble. Inside:

A Step from Heaven
Black Lotus
Chinese Mirror
Comfort Women
Customs and Etiquette of Korea
For Matrimonial Purposes
Fox Girl
Geisha
Inheritance
Lucky Gourd Shop
Memory Keeper's Daughter
My Name is Red
Snakes and Earrings
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan
The Concubine's Tattoo
The Kite Runner
The Laws of Evening
The Living Reed
The Samurai's Wife

I am expecting another package tommorrow with three more books. So ... any guesses as to what I'll be doing in the next few weeks? Honestly ... I can't wait. We are stuck at work until the 27th of March to cover for our void in teammates so this will be a great time to dive in to some serious reading. Most of the books are about Asia which really interests me. I'll write up some reviews when I'm done!

The next three books that are coming are Japanese Poetry books. Talk about some incredible stuff! WOW!!!

Some pics

2007-03-06T11:51:00.000-05:00

Above: Rich, upclose and intimidating ~laughs~

Above: Rich's most recent tat, this makes 5 for him and yes, those ARE earrings in his ears -- he got them gauged last year, those are 10's.

Above: My mermaid tattoo on my left thigh, this is #2 for me

Above: Richard and my other two favorite boys, Pppete and Nicolai

Finding my glasses

2007-03-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

So I realized today that I've made a good number of mistakes in my life ... but probably the most critical one was letting go of the very true and genuine people who have loved me for me in my life. I have spent so much time in self hate it's ironic to me how far I have pushed away those who have always truly loved me far beyond what they could see with human eyes. I have spent so much time wishing for a love and exceptance that won't come from anyone but God ... and I have lost so much of the love that I was blessed with ... because of my own self loathing and my own hurts.

It's been almost 10 years since Rich(RJ) and I have attended church. It's been almost 10 years since I've really talked to God. Amazing really. Today, I sat down and started looking for people as they came across my mind or in my heart ... people that I had lost touch with over time. And ... I started calling them ... I don't even really know why. It seems silly sometimes to say ... "Hi, haven't talked to you in 10 years, just wanted to say hey" but I think it's a start. Maybe.

I called Randy Miller who is a Pastor up in Cherokee. It seems like yesturday He was knocking on our door and grinning like a slightly mad man and inviting us (Leanne & I) to church. He sure did know way more than she and I did at the time about what God was up to. I sure hope His conversion experiences with others have been easier than the one He had to deal with, with me!

I called Helen and Johnny ... I can't quite explain the shame I feel at not having been in touch with them more. They have been the best friends that Rich and I have had together and we haven't laid eyes on them in over three years. And have talked not nearly enough. It always amazes me though that when we do talk ... we can dive right in to what is going on at the moment ... without having to have a lot of catch up ... it's like things just pick up where they left off. I am so thankful for that!

I called Juan today. It was great to talk to him and hear news about the family. So hard for me to realize that Andrew has already graduated from Highschool and is living on His own in Chicago. Holy cow kids grow up!

I called Billy & Julie and Andrew & Dar but wasn't able to get in touch with either of them. Hopefully I'll hear back from them in the next few days. It's pathetic that we live an hour from Charlotte and it's been years and years since I've seen or talked to them. Hopefully that will change.